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wow
the last week has been absolutely amazing.
incredible
like.. holy s**t.

So... 2 years ago when i was a freshman in high school i met the most amazing person in the whole world.
except, we broke up. I wasn't exactly ready for a relationship, i couldn't even handle a social life because of my depression and self centered-ness.
So... it took me about 8 months to get over him. We fought a lot and did a lot to push each other away.

So i found out a couple months ago that he was leaving here to go to college in Nevada, one state away but it's still a stretch.
So i thought well... we're on good terms now (finally) we've both changed a lot, so i'll invite him over before he leaves and we can end with happy memories.

So... that day came just this last sunday. He came over, we watched tv, talked, played with my puppy, cooked pies.
And ended up lying on the floor of the family room with him talking about our past, our present, our future, how we are how we feel... etc...

And before he was always the one who decided everything, i was totally non-assertive, and i still am around him. So he kept asking ME what I wanted to do. And i knew what i wanted to do.. but i couldn't because it would be wrong... so i just sat there and tried not to smile but he got the hint of course.

And so eventually i said "I want you to sit here with me and talk."

Daniel: ok

me: So why are you here right now of all places.

Daniel: because i missed you.

me:Why am i special?

Daniel: because i've always missed you, and i regretted the decision i made to break up with you almost 2 years ago

and then he asks "so what were you thinking?"

Me... "well.... I wanted to kiss you"

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It's important to realize... i've made so many decisions based off of him and what i'd do if we became friends or if he came and asked for me back and I made decisions to shut him out of my life because i thought it'd be healthier... but i always dreamed about what it'd be like for him to say those words, that he wanted me back, that it all was a mistake. I forced myself to hate him regardless, that i'd respect him as he's my FCDM instructor for band and we could be friendly, but until now i tried to shut him out.
________________________

So... he stood up, and took my hand and helped me up, put his arms around me and gave me the kiss that I'd been resenting yet hoping for for almost 2 years.
and i asked him why

and he said he has no answers

and i asked him if he's ******** around with me

and he said "I hope not"

and he said "you dont' realize until you've been through a ton of crappy relationships that you've given up on the best one"

and he said "I've been spending so much time trying to find someone who makes me happy, but i've already found her"

And... he's a really prideful person, he wouldn't cry or open up his heart unless it was something he really believed in. And even then i saw him wiping tears from his eyes.

"you were one of the best relationships i've had... I never get sad when i think of the memories we had, i don't get sad when i drive by your house or anything because it always makes me think of better things"

And we ended up in the same lazy boy that we had our first kiss in, 2 years before.

And for the last 5 days... we've been hanging out almost every day, trying to make sense of why the hell we're doing this because he's leaving in 2 weeks now. I still don't really trust him even though even in the past 5 days he's gone over and beyond anyone i've ever met to impress me. Part of me is really intimidated by the idea of being around him and being affectionate towards him after everything that has happened, but the rest of me is just immensely relieved that he's at least said he's always felt the same way i have. I've decided at this point that he's going to have to do a lot to earn my trusting his word, and we're not going to "date" as in have a committed relationship or anything... and after his 18 month pilot training in NV is up and i've graduated and there is still something there, then we'll know that if we can go through that, we can go through anything.

and if we can't, then we can move on because that's how it'll be.

He's one of the reasons why i stopped believing in love... because i've always beleived that love is only real when it is shared by both people, and if what i had with his wasn't love, then I don't know what could be.

This week has been the best week in such a long time. I think i'll be happy no matter what happens just knowing that we've finally gotten over our problems and can share affection, even if we don't end up with some magic story and a great life together or whatever.

...like 2 days ago i made a reference to us being friends and he gets this exasperated look on his face like "WTF? no I don't consider us friends"

And i'm like.. what are you talking about you're willing to kiss me but you won't be my friend?

and he said "well no i don't consider us friends"

me: then what the hell are we?

him: I don't know but it's way more than friends





3nodding oh he's sooo beautiful!

Aww, Honey I'm glad things are going so well for you.