Welcome to Gaia! ::

It was a tragic cliffhanger that had caused the world to completely stop in its steps wondering what would happen to our group of heroes—

Kadaj frowned, “Technically we’re a group of villains dragging Leon along for the hell of it.”

Ahem. Ignore him.

They had been utterly rendered to a pulp of deadness and were dragged away to a very special place that could only be that of a true fangirl secret lair. In fact, so terribly secret that is was almost impossible to reveal to the public. Remember, dear readers, that finding out where the secret lair is meant that it would no longer be a secret, and that no one would ever want to go there ever again. But please, think of the animals when I say the place that hides all fangirls!

The zoo.

“What…the hell? The zoo? Why would fangir—“

HUSH you little snot.

Ahem.

Yes, the zoo, where cute little animals frolicked day in and out to happy music that poured out rainbows on each syllable. It was a haven for fangirls, because behind each and every cage was a secret room that was filled with fangirl things. What those particularly were cannot be described because they would cause terrible diarrhea of the eyes.

The whole place controlled the entire fangirl service. Not to mention zoos were all over the place, which caused the expansion of fangirl databases everywhere. That’s why there’s a zoo in almost every town. Because the fangirls are taking over!

Anyway, back to the fact that our ‘heroes’ were severely beaten to death for their attempt in resisting the force!

“We resisted the force?”

Seriously, Kadaj…stop ruining the moment.

“Okay okay…”

The three of them sat in a terribly bright pink cage that was adorned with a thousand pictures of smiling girls with hearts and perfect handwriting that could never be called a signature no matter how much they whined that it was.

Kadaj, who had previously been contemplating the plot of the whole story, had gotten up and started to pace about the room wondering if they could get out. Of course, as soon as he stood up a gob of fangirls appeared and began to snap pictures away squealing at how delightfully hot he was.

“This is starting to creep me out…”

Yazoo nodded, “If you duck down I don’t think anyone will notice we’re in here.”

Sephiroth was leaning against the back wall staring down at the food dishes they were given. He wasn’t even sure if that was human food or not. “I believe this ‘zoo’ turns into a fangirl palooza at night. Look at all the other cages, they’ve got other people in them, too.”

Leon winced as he saw Cloud in his own cage waving happily at everyone and saying dumb things like ‘crispy critters!’ and ‘Whoo-ee’. What the hell was wrong with Cloud, and why was his brain the size of a peanut? Rhetorical question. Leon should never try to comprehend Cloud…it just wasn’t worth the effort.

“I cannot understand why these fans are spazzing over us the most.”

Kadaj stuck his head out of the bars and looked up to see what their sign said above. He snorted and brought his head back in to stare at them, “It says we’re the ‘non-believers’. Isn’t that great? They’re just eating it up like candy. Maybe we should start yelling at them and everything?”

Leon sighed and rubbed his head, “What good would that do?”

Sephiroth sat up as if the idea was ingenious, “We WANT to make a commotion, it’ll bring everyone’s attention to us. And then that’s when we attack!”

“Why do your plans always involve hurting people?” Yazoo questioned.

Sephiroth glared, “Because I hate the human existence and I’m not afraid to smack a b***h!”

“Fine. But how do we get out to attack?”

Kadaj rolled his eyes, “Oh please, look at these bars. I mean…they’re made of lace, candy sticks, and pictures of skinny bitches. How do we NOT get out?”

“Good point.”

Leon watched as the three silver-haired men stood up ready to start some business. He sat back rather wishing they had thought of a more sensible plan.

“Hey! Cloud!”

Cloud snapped his attention from the cameras and looked at Sephiroth and the two brothers, “Yes?”

“Your mother never loved you, and your father was ******** your best friend! In fact, I SLEPT with your mom more times than she ever kissed you! You don’t have any friends because they’re all DEAD.”

Cloud gave a horrified face, “How could you SAY that to me? Have you no mercy?”

“Mercy? Why should I give it to someone who wears his sister’s underwear!?”

Everyone started to listen in on the conversation. This was getting a bit…devious.

Cloud pouted and grabbed Axel, “Tell them to stop! They’re hurting my feelings!”

Axel looked over at them and smiled, “Wanna fight?”

“Ohhhh, I see, Cloud’s too much of a pansy to even fight for himself! Pah!”

Cloud started to cry, “You’re so mean!”

A few fangirls started to throw things at Sephiroth’s cage in hopes that he’d stop his bantering against Cloud.

“In fact, I think that this whole place is just FILLED with little whores who are too stupid to earn a living, so they just sell themselves!”

Now the whole crowd had snapped their attention at him, their jaws had stopped chewing their wad of gum, their over-the-top nails gleamed against their overly baked skin. A gasp came from them as if he had just taken their Hollister shirt and rubbed it in the dirt.

“That’s right, I said it.”

All of them started to nag, but it was just a wave of ‘like, oh my gawd’ in loud, gawking, horrendous tones with terrible vocals that caused even Sephiroth to wince slightly.

“Can we kill them now?” Kadaj whispered.

“Yes.”

They broke out of the cage and started to stab girls to death as if it was some type of game. Heads were hacked off, platinum blonde hair went flying, and purses fell to the ground in loud crashes as their Paris Hilton perfume broke open. Girly screams and hacky voices started to chorus out in Sephiroth’s theme song for some reason; he supposed it was just the affect he gave off on innocent victims.

It wasn’t long that the rainbow exploded girl with drab dark makeup and pale skin had came out with the large woman covered in her drapery of clothes. She held up her hand to silence the crowd.

But it was too busy screaming the chorus of Sephiroth’s theme song.

She raised her hand higher.

Annnnd they were ignoring.

“AHEM!!”

The crowd snapped their attention to her. Everyone fell silent besides those who were gagging on the floor about their lip plumper being destroyed.

“You four have disobeyed me GREATLY.”

Leon poked his head out of the cage, “Whoa whoa, I haven’t done anything.”

“Okay okay. You THREE have utterly disobeyed me!”

Leon nodded, that was better.

“I shall PUNISH you…with…THIS!”

She held up something that was wrapped in pink. The crowd of girls started to scream and began to ask if it was the new scent that Britney Spears had just came out with.

“God, it’s like they never shut up…” Kadaj growled and looked over at Yazoo. His brother, of course, was giving some flirty looks to the rainbow explosion girl. “Are you seriously hitting on Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff?”

“Why not? She’s kind of cute underneath all of those hideous accessories and terribly cut hair.”

“Whatever you say.”

Once again the fat lady raised her hand and the crowd fell silent. She ripped open the package like it was a Big Mac to her and revealed what was inside.

A CD.

She snapped her fingers and Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff grabbed the stereo. The CD was inserted and they all held their breath ready for something that could probably shatter their eardrums.

Instead they heard “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?”

“Oh, I love this song!” Kadaj peeped up over the magic music.

Yazoo watched as the whole area dimmed and the light struck on him and Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff. Together they came at each other in that slow romantic way. He grabbed her hand and pulled her close, their eyes dazzling at each other. She blinked a few times at him flirtatiously and Yazoo pulled her in for an amazing kiss.

The music stopped, then, because Sephiroth had turned it off rather angrily.

Yazoo pulled away from Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff, “You’re…not a girl!”

She ripped away her disguise…only to reveal that it was VINCENT!

“Yeah, I know I’m not.”

“AUGH what the HELL Vincent! I thought you were in love with Loz???”

“I’m head over heels for any silver-haired hottie. Get over here, I want another kiss—“

Yazoo backed away, “Noooo thank you.”

Kadaj was snorting and laughing it up but was soon grabbed by Vincent, “Ah…um…wrong guy?”

“I love you, too!”

“Auuggh!!”

Both brothers were now in a terrible predicament. The crowd of girls had encased them into a circle where Vincent had total control. They would never be able to escape.

Of course, they had forgotten about Sephiroth.

He jumped in and punched Vincent in the face rather effortlessly, “He’s down; now let’s get the hell out of here.”

“No!! You ruined our plan!! Yazoo was supposed to fall in love with him no matter what gender he was! And then you two are supposed to become accepting of his sexuality, than you’d realize that it’s better that way! And with that knowledge you two would turn over! Why does this never work?”

Sephiroth brushed dust off of his arm, “You’re thinking too much?”

“Silence! Girls, hold them down! We MUST convert them!!”

They all tensed up and prepared for battle as the mob of girls pushed the circle inward, their hands grabbing at their bodies in a frenzied panic. Of course, for Sephiroth it was like an ant crawling on him. He watched as they grabbed his waist trying to reach him.

“Um…well this is rather sad.”

He started to move through the mob as if he was in water and reached the stage again, grabbing the boom box with one hand. He pulled out the CD and threw it into some girls face, causing a rather lovely bleeding fest. He pulled out a CD from his secret chest compartment where his heart was supposed to be, and put it in.

He clicked play.

It was a song that made ALL men feel ten times more manly. In fact, it was so manly, that it couldn’t even be named, because it was just THAT good. And it rocked, causing a tremor of testosterone to skyrocket through the heavens and made several old men feel like they could go bust a move at the BINGO convention.

Everyone in the cages suddenly felt the stupid spell over them die off, and suddenly they were wondering how long it’d take to wash off all the germs they acquired from touching some other dude. No matter, they needed to beat the crap out of someone right now for their terrible incident.

They surged from the cages and began to destroy the mob of fangirls in an angered frenzy. Teeth went flying, blood soaked the cement, and a zebra got loose and began to bludgeon innocent children.

It was a real man fest.

After several hours of terrible bloody screams from high-pitched girls and Cloud doing his ‘ho’ attack, the place went utterly silent. The lions were munching away at pink infested blondes, the penguins were swimming around floating corpses, and the seals were playing around with the head of some horrifying fangirl.

The large woman stood there in the pile of dead bodies with her hand to her face, “Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff? What…have you done? What have ALL of you done?”

Vincent turned his head slightly, “Could you stop calling me that? I’m not your kid.”

Axel snorted, “She never called me any fluffy names…she was too busy in her plot to destroy us all…”

“You will all pay for this!!”

Sephiroth shook his head, “Impossible, once we kill you your headquarters will no longer have a purpose.”

He twitched his blade watching the blood spatter off of his blade onto Kadaj’s foot.

“Ew, thanks a lot…”

“Cry about it, b***h.”

Kadaj glared and watched as the large woman started to move back, “Please, can’t you reconsider? Why don’t we let you have some fun in twisting the plots? You can have all the men you want? ANYTHING?? No!! Don’t destroy me!!”

Sephiroth blinked, “I haven’t moved yet.”

“What? Oh. Sorry.”

Sephiroth moved his foot and she began to wail and scream at him. Finally, as he got somewhat closer she had turned to run, but the stage collapsed beneath her and she was stuck in a hole.

Sephiroth did a golf swing and her head flew right off, blood gushing out all over him.

The crowd of men cheered happily. It was a victory for them.

Of course, that was when a mob of FBI agents came swarming the place along with SWAT and other such powerful people. They were all taken to court and persecuted for their mass murder.

And so they sat in prison—once again behind bars.

“I’m starting to see a theme, here,” Sephiroth mumbled.

Cloud played with his shirt, “Well…at least we did something good, right? We’ll only be in here for the rest of our lives.”

Leon had his head in his hands, “Yeah…in here without women for the rest of our lives. Great idea in destroying them all! I mean, couldn’t have tried to keep a few around for entertainment or anything.”

All the guys around them felt their lives suddenly crack. No women? What? Had they really killed that many fangirls? This was an all male prison??

Sephiroth groaned, “I say we break out—“

“And do what? Look for some hooches to satisfy our manly behaviors?” Kadaj asked confused at how breaking out would even help.

“Maybe?”

A large shadow casted over them and they all looked up to see a rather butch looking man.

“Cloud?”

Cloud gulped and raised his eyebrow slightly.

The large man smiled, “I hear you want to help me in the showers.” He chuckled dirtily.

Cloud gapped, “C-Cloud? Oh no, my name’s Claude. You might want to ask that guy in the other cell! I think his name is Cloud!”

“Suit yourself, bunny.”

He went off and everyone shuddered several times before looking at Cloud. The blonde had the most terrified look on his face.

“I can’t believe I would lie about my own name. Especially saying it’s Claude. Ugh. Reminds me of Cannon Ten.”

“But we destroyed them…along with the rest of the female population.”

“We didn’t kill THAT many girls,” Yazoo hissed and chewed on a piece of his hair.

“Feels like it,” Leon mumbled angrily.

Sephiroth sighed, “Just look at it this way, it isn’t like you can’t just pleasure yourself. No one here cares.”

Cloud made an eeping noise, “Eeww! That’s sick! I can’t believe you’d suggest that!”

“Okay, if you want to be that way why don’t you go back to Butch over there and suck his—“

“LALALA NOT LISTENING!!”

“You’re such a little girl.”

Several men perked up at the word of ‘girl’.

“Uh…sorry, not literally a girl.”

They all slumped again.

That was when they heard heels clicking down the hall. Everyone fell silent and perked up to see what was going on. It was a woman, they could tell. The clicks got louder when the woman stopped in front of their jail cell.

Everyone gapped at who stood before them. It was as if a dream had come true, and yet it was almost a terrible nightmare!

There stood before them Larxene with Kairi and Namine.

“Hey, boys, these two lovely ladies decided to help me out in bailing you from prison. Isn’t that so sweet of them?”

Sephiroth frowned, “You serious?”

“Absolutely.”

The door was opened and they all came out almost relieved that they wouldn’t have to pursue dirty habits and sleeping with other men! Everyone put back on their normal clothes and gathered outside.

“How did you even get enough money to bail out a million murderers? Is that even possible?”

Larxene giggled, “It only takes a few tit shows to get what I want.”

Cloud frowned, “That’s disturbing.”

Leon looked over at him, “What, that tits saved all of our lives?”

“Yeah…”

All of the guys thought that over. Wow, they felt kind of…worthless.

Sephiroth sighed, “Oh well, who cares. I’m going home.”

Axel smiled, “And you’re taking me with you!”

“Don’t you have a home, yet?”

“No, I’ve been too busy having my mind controlled by hormonal women and making love to Cloud.”

Cloud smiled, “It was fun while it lasted.”

Everyone stared at him before shaking their heads. Typical little Cloud, lost and easily manipulated.

The usual group had made it back to Sephiroth’s house for a victory party in not turning over to the dark side of things, even though Axel and Cloud couldn’t exactly say that because they had actually turned to the dark side.

“At least you guys didn’t go all the way,” Kadaj said cheerfully while he poured some wine for himself.

Axel and Cloud looked at each other somewhat relieved that it hadn’t come to that. That was when the doorbell rang, the offbeat crazy screaming of a thousand dying children went throughout the house. Sephiroth smiled and went to answer it.

There was Vincent.

“Oh, hello Vin—“

He then fell forward and Sephiroth grabbed him, ten bottles of wine fell out of his cape, “Jesus Christ!”

Loz appeared then and smiled, “Sorry to drop in like that. Vincent wanted to thank you guys for saving him! And I thought I’d come along to see how you guys were doing, too.”

He entered in and closed the door while Vincent was propped in a chair.

“So you two aren’t…a thing anymore, are you?”

Loz shook his head at Kadaj’s question, “As soon as that music started to go off I had sworn to myself I’d never do THAT again.”

Leon nodded, “Yeah..that music was really inspiring. Where did you get it, Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth turned from staring at Vincent and gave an evil smile, “Oh, but if I told you I’d have to kill you all.”

Evil laugh ensued!

Vincent lifted his head and grabbed Sephiroth’s drink, “I actually know the name of that song, its—“

Sephiroth shoved the drink into Vincent’s mouth, “Not important. We should be glad that we have come out victoriously from such a stupid battle.”

Cloud nodded, “And to think it all came from a silly little video game!”

They all laughed and drank to that. Of course…that was when the phone rang. Sephiroth picked it up and put it against his ear, “Sephiroth speaking.”

“Hey, Sephiroth, how ya doing? I heard you just came out of prison! Lucky b*****d!”

“Yes.” It was his agent.

“How’s that impulsive behavior of drinking Mountain Dew and taking sedatives going? Finally break it?”

Sephiroth’s eyes went about his house as the entire placed was littered with needles, pill bottles, and 2-liter bottles of empty Mountain Dew, “It’s wonderful. I haven’t touched the stuff in months.”

“Glad to hear that! Say, I know that you’re thinking of retiring, but I have this really great gig for you. Now it’s only a small part of it, eh? But you’ll absolutely love the role.”

“Don’t tell me…it’s a movie.”

“No! It’s actually—“

“A video game?”

“Yes! And you’re just in luck, it stars Zack! Remember him from the original Final Fantasy VII?”

Sephiroth had a sudden flashback of some kid with black hair playing with his belly button right before it was time to do a shooting. He distinctively remembered that the guy was a typical lazy a** who knew nothing and that he was Cloud’s hero at some point in the game. Hmm, didn’t he kill him? Or wait, maybe he died by someone else? Not that it mattered to him, it was clearly just another hero that was to befall by his hands.

He paused in replying to his agent, “Yes, I remember him.”

“Well you’re supposed to appear in it as an evil villain—“

“As usual.”

“Of course! So how’s about it? Nothing like appearing in another game to push up sales! You are the biggest villain ever known to man!”

“Look, I just got done destroying the world of a thousand fangirls and you want me to put on a freaking costume and frolic about just to satisfy these stupid fans so that they can rise up once again? I’m tired of these idiotic games!!”

“…..You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you?”

“GOODBYE.”

Sephiroth slammed the phone down and ripped out the plug before sitting back into his seat.

“Where were we?”

Everyone was silent.

“What?”

“Who is coming out with a game, now?”

“Zack…whatever-his-face-is.”

Cloud gasped, “MY SAVIOR?”

“Could you be a bit gayer?”

“Shut up! He saved my life!”

“Not your real life.”

“So? HE SAVED MY LIFE!!”

“Yeah…okay. If you want to go suck his—“

“Is that all you ever have to say to me?”

“Yes? You’re the one who sounds like a broken record what with your sudden panic attacks about who you fanspazz over.”

Leon shuddered, “Could we stop using that word? I keep seeing that large woman every time you utter it.”

Sephiroth smiled, “What? FANGIRL? FANGIRL FANGIRL FANGIRL!”

Yazoo blinked, “Say it five times fast.”

Kadaj tried to say it and completely messed up the words, “Ugh. I quit.”

“Besides, do you really think that they’d come back just because of Zack? Hell I hardly remember what he did besides die.”

Cloud nodded, “Yeah…you’re probably right….”

But several hundred meters away there was a new base starting up. All ready to deploy more plots of slash and cannon upon anyone who dare participate in the making of the new video game.

And so, as can obviously be seen, the process kept repeating. As soon as another game came up there was another base filled with fangirls, and the more the group killed the more they started to wonder…if it was even worth dealing with anymore.

The population had dropped considerably because of their selfish demeanors and had clearly disappointed the world in their refusal to participate in the games. Soon the whole place was against them, and they had to hide in rebellion places that were often raided.

Our heroes, of course, continued their massive attack on the dirty scum that dare try and force them to be anyone but who they really were.

And it almost became legend that these men tried to destroy the entertainment industry with their anger towards fangirls.

Of course, if this chapter ended like this it would surely disappoint the whole entire community and there would be demonic fans arriving at the author’s door ready to burn her whole family down.

And so, what REALLY happened was this:

Sephiroth had his flashback about Zack and sighed before covering the phone and turning to his friends.

“Another video game is coming out and they want me to be in it.”

“Cool, who’s the star?”

“Zack…whatever-his-face-is.”

Cloud smiled, “Oh! He’s my savior! I think you’d like working with him. Or against him. Whatever the hell you do in that game.”

Sephiroth rolled his eyes, “What I’m saying is SHOULD I accept such a thing? Fangirls will start sprouting up again if I just start prancing about in my normal hoax of being an evil villain.”

Axel sighed, “Yeah, but how else are we going to make a living? I mean...we’re nobodies when we don’t act. No one can take us seriously anymore if we try for real things. I think we’ll just have to do what we do best…pretend we’re someone else.”

Leon nodded, “And if the fangirls get out of control we just kill them as usual.”

Everyone nodded. Sounded good.

Sephiroth put the phone back up to his ear, “I suppose I can be in it.”

“Great! I’ll be sure to let the producers know! You won’t regret this.”

“Yeah…sure…”

“Oh, before I go, Sephiroth, have you heard of the new magazine that’s out?”

“….No?”

“It’s called ‘The Slash’. You should look in it, they’ve got some interesting stories about you.”

Sephiroth groaned and hung the phone up before going outside to check his mail. After carrying in what seemed like the mother load he dumped it on the floor and pushed it about. His eyes caught the magazine and he picked it up.

Oh no.

“Look…at this…”

They all leaned forward to look at what Sephiroth had in his hands.

“Okay…we see it…what is it?”

Sephiroth opened it up, “It’s exactly like Cannon Ten! Except…”

He read over an article and frowned, “More disgustingly detailed. Dear God. And the pictures are amazing…”

Loz looked at the one of him and Vincent. He winced, “Oh joy…”

Cloud grabbed it and opened it up to read it all, “Hey! They put Cloud Strauff in here!! I’m so excited!!”

He clapped his hands together like a little girl and began to read it as if it was some Seventeen magazine. Everyone thought he was crazy in reading it, but soon found out that it was more than just a bunch of pictures and good words. It was all the truth.

“Whoa…this talks about my love affair with Axel. AHAHA Your name is Mark Bigleson? What kind of a dorky last name is that?”

Axel glared, “EXCUSE ME for living!”

Cloud giggled and flipped the page before gapping, “Jeez, Sephiroth, you look like a murderer in this!”

He showed him the page. Sephiroth grabbed it and read the title, “The Deadly Addiction: A Villain Against Himself”.

“H-how…did they even find out about this?”

Leon shrugged, “It seems they know how to make real dirt come up. It looks like everything in there is true…not like Cannon Ten. This is weird…”

Vincent lifted himself once again from his dead-like pose, “Isn’t this what you guys wanted? You were tired of all the lies and the fake names, the terrible stories they wrote, and now you’re complaining that your lives are being invaded by this magazine? I’d call it a good thing, at least they know who you are and what you do. Perhaps you’ll get the respect that you’ve been looking for?”

Sephiroth flipped the page and smiled, “Yeah? I’m glad you think so.” He showed Vincent the page “Vincent’s Alcohol Abuse: The Story Hidden In The Dark”.

Vincent grabbed the magazine and read it over, “…..Alright, I’m not liking this.”

Loz nodded, “It’s a bit too much like a creepy stalker. But how do we get rid of creepy stalkers?”

“Restraining orders?”

“That wouldn’t necessarily help…considering they got this from other sources. I mean, we didn’t TELL them this stuff.”

Sephiroth sat back, “Maybe we should do nothing?”

Leon frowned, “Why nothing?”

“Well…I’d rather be disrespected for my stupidity for being an abuser of a terrible addiction than highly respected for having a story written about me gang banging ten guys. This is a different side for fangirls, if that is even what we can call them.”

“Yeah..it’s like…version 2.0 of the fangirl scale..” Cloud mumbled.

Everyone stared at him. In a way—even though that sounded insanely dumb—Cloud was right. It was an upgraded, smarter, and better version of fangirls.

“I suppose we could live with this….just as long as they’re not smart enough to break into my house and kidnap me…or make me listen to Disney Soundtracks…” Leon grumbled.

And so their lives went on with a new awakening. No longer did they have to feel hatred towards these fangirls, but now they had to feel caution and some respect. They were smart and knew their information well.

With that their story came to an end. Their mission of destroying the illiterate, idiotic, fake, disgusting, and terribly annoying fangirls was accomplished…

Or so we think…

THE END
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Ahaha.
That was a really good fic. xD
Even tho it had a bunch of Yaoi Vincent moments...