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 Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:40 pm
Thank you. I don't know what was wrong that day, I just really wanted to die. I'm over it now. And even if i wasn't, I made a promise that I wouldn't harm myself until my sister's don't need me anymore, and until D. doesn't.
5 good things:
Went tubing.
Shirt Kitty is tame-ish.
Made friends with The FDR, a long-time goal I've had.
Talked to my other aunt.
Another account got banned for no reason. That's just awesome.
Bad things.
Came so close to cutting again, and I would have gone all the way if I had.
D's been having blackouts. The first time, he woke up with three cuts on his arm. The second, he woke up with a fork in his leg. Oh, and he might have cancer.
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Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:46 am
i used to cut too. i never had suicidal inclinations, though once i had a serious thought but after i felt a revolt and a clear awareness that my life is full of the opportunity to do good and self induced death accomplishes nothing.
the cutting at one time i thought it was a way to feel when i didnt feel anything, then i thought of it as a way to control my feelings, if i cause the pain that i feel then i have some control. people often say it is a cry for help, which in many cases it might be. i now understand my own experiences in a different way though i can no longer relate to it i see it as a part of my self exploration kind of like a drug. i have a number of scars on my legs and arms luckily as a male no one really notices. you should remember that somethings dont go away, be careful with how you treat yourself. you may not understand it but i am not trying to preach to you but i feel an affinity, i feel that i can relate, i almost feel a love. though i do not know you but i see in what you describe a reflection of myself lost in the dark.
good luck and good will.
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Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:43 am
I only cut once, just, I really want to do it again. I know you're not preaching at me, and even if you were, the hero worship would overcome that. Don't ask why, I'm not ever telling, but you are one of two people that I really respect on Gaia. And this occured before I was posting on this thread. Don't worry that I'll be offended, that's really hard to do.
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 6:46 am
if possible you might want to look into some form of physical discipline, like fitness programs or martial arts. this restlessness and emotional instability may diminish if you were involved with such a thing. a good martial arts program would be best because of a the emphasis on emotional discipline without therapy or judgement. i always recommend wing chun as opposed to the more external arts like karate. you want to master your being not learn to be a mindless fighter.
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 1:46 pm
Does wrestling with my friends count? Because that makes me a lot happier, even when though I lose. And my aunt lets me do it because a) she doesn't say it makes me more violent and
b) she doesn't know how often I do it.
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Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 6:23 am
it certainly can help, as long as it is not "back yard" wrestling, like with barbed wire and folding chairs mrgreen thats just plain dangerous.
it would serve you better to be involved in an activity lead by a disciplined, balanced and mature person who can serve as a teacher and a role model, but sometimes in life we simply take what we can get. it sounds like a good outlet to me, i used to enjoy similar activities with my friends.
xd
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Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2008 7:09 am
but... chairs and barbed wire make it interesting. They make me lose so much faster. xd All my role modles are threatening suicide and therefore can no longer be role modles. stressed Stupid adult people.
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Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:01 am
Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.
Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.
tool - the grudge
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Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:53 pm
Did daddy not love you?
Or did he love you just too much?
Did he control you?
Did he live through you at your cost?
Did he leave no questions for you to answer on your own?
Well F*** that
and F*** him
And F*** her
and F*** you
For not having enough strength in your heart to pull through
I've been down, I've F***ed up, I have failed, I've had plans
Doesn't mean I should take my life with my own hands.
Staind, Waste.
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