Have you seen that '150 things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts' list? Well after a succession of bored moments, I've got this to show you, although first, I have to warn you there may be a
teensy bit quite a lot of rudeness and/or stupidness that you might not get. But here we go:
101 things I am not allowed to do in the TARDIS:
1. Throw Jellybaby's at the Doctor
2. Try to Trip the Doctor with his scarf
3. Abduct historically important figures just to get an 'A' in history
4. Loose myself in the TARDIS corridors
5. Steal the Sonic Screwdriver
6. Shout: 'Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow' when there's a problem
7. Ask k9 to compute pi
8. Ask The Doctor to compute pi
9. Invite the Daleks to a slumber party
10. Continually ask the Doctor 'why?' when he is monologuing
11. Ask 'Would you like a Jellybaby?' then say 'Tough because I’ve eaten them all!' when the Doctor says yes please
12. Play the Doctor's recorder
13. Read the Doctor's diary, and write my own messages in the gaps
14. Pretend to be Mel, pretending to be the Rani, pretending to be Mel
15. Open the Doctor's umbrella inside
16. Shout 'We come in peace! Take us to your leader!' every time we land.
17. Ask the Doctor if he fancies Billie Piper
18. Tell the Doctor the Jellybaby's are after his brain
19. Ask Jamie what's under his kilt
20. Ask the Doctor if his Time Lord senses are tingling all over
21. Offer Jamie Haggis
22. Ask the Doctor where his hair went
23. Make any hair related remarks like: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow' or 'it fell of his head and landed on his-'
24. Ask Jamie if he knows the guy off the porridge box
25. Ask the Doctor if he 'remembers the time when..'
26. Ask the Doctor where the cows keep there space helmets
27. Ask the Doctor 'what came first the chicken or the egg?'
28. Ask the Doctor if his real name is Rumplestiltskin
29. Ask the Doctor if his outfit was the result of an explosion in a textiles factory.
30. Ask the Doctor 'Where do baby Daleks come from?'
31. Ask the Doctor 'Where do baby Cybermen come from?'
32. Ask the Doctor if the Sonic Screwdriver is a Euphemism
33. Ask the Doctor 'Where do baby Time Lords come from?'
34. Refer to the Doctor as an OAP
35. Fix the Chameleon circuit
36. Exclaim 'it has three settings!' when the Sonic Screwdriver is mentioned
37. Tell Mel to lay off the helium
38. Encourage Ace to blow things up
39. Fall asleep when the Doctor is explaining something
40. Redecorate the TARDIS, and then tell the Doctor 'Changing Rooms' stopped by.
41. Send the Doctor emails from the Master asking for another date
42. Send emails to the Master suggesting he go perform 'indecent actions'
with himself and put 'love, the Doctor xxx' at the end
43. Ask the Doctor if he would prefer a Jellybaby or a poke in the eye with a wooden stick
44. Ask K9 if he wants to go for a swim
45. Ask the Doctor if he wants a glass of carrot juice
46. Ask the Master if he had an unhappy childhood
47. Bribe K9 to pee in the console room
48. Ask K9 if he thinks the Hoover looks 'hot'
49. Tell Davros he and Hitler would have 'gotton on well'
50. Suggesting Adric 'go play in the blender' or 'run around with a sharp knife' is not appropriate
51. Saying 'kinky!' after the Master has illuminated how he intends to kill the Doctor is not funny.
52. Suggesting Davros should go 'dance' with his 'metal bum chums' is not amusing
53. Jesus was not a UFO pilot from Saturn, and I should not tell people so.
54. Yelling 'get a room' at Romana and the Doctor every time they try to have a conversation is not appropriate
55. Telling people Adric is 'not getting any' is not funny
56. Davros is not in need of a good 'humping', nor should I tell Captain Jack so
57. Adric was not born to do my maths homework
58. I am not allowed to refer to Davros and the Daleks as 'George Bush and his posse'
59. The Brigadier does not need Jack to 'show him a good time'
60. Asking Davros if he has considered cosmetic surgery does not entertain people
61. Peri does not need marijuana in her plant collection
62. The Doctor is not on the 'happy drug'
63. Ask if the Doctors mother was Tony Blair
64. Ask if the Doctors father was Frankenstein
65. Telling Davros his mother was 'good last night' only enrages him and is not a sensible course of action
66. Ask Davros if he is related in any way to Shrek
67. K9 does not appreciate being sat on and told he is 'comfy'
68. I am not allowed to ask K9 if he thinks he's 'sonic' enough
69. I must not steal the Doctors sonic screwdriver and swap it for credit on my mobile
70. I must not swap Cassandra's moisturiser for itching powder
71. I must not offer Jamie cheese sandwiches
72. I must not nick the Doctors Lucky Cat Pin
73. I must not use the Doctor's scarf for the Indian Rope Trick
74. Ace and Alfred Nobel are not 'getting married any day now'
75. I must not use the Psychic paper instead of credit cards
76. I must not use the sonic screwdriver on the Psychic paper - even if the results are amusing.
77. I must not try to mess up the Doctor's hair - it never works
78. I must not laugh when the Doctor speaks Galifreyian
79. I am not allowed to use the statement: 'oh look! Rocks!!
80. I must not complain when I see crop circles
81. The Doctor's job description is not 'Professional Hobo'
82. Jamie does not know what the point to Vegetarian Haggis is, and nor does anyone else.
83. The TARDIS pool is not supposed to be filled with cereal
84. Just because the TARDIS is bigger on the inside does not mean there is room for all my stuff
85. Jack will not do 'just about anything' for five pounds
86. Mikey is not a tin dog, and gluing magnets to him does not prove this fact
87. The TARDIS is not a 'Time Traveling Casino' and I should really take that sign down...
89. The Doctor does not need an 'exotic pet' of any kind, and besides, Sticky the Stick Insect is completely lame.
90. K9 does not enjoy playing fetch
91. I must not use the psychic paper for origami.
92. The Doctor does not keep a list of famous people he has snogged in the wardrobe room, and even if he did, I should not add myself to it.
93. I must not sing 'ding dong the witch is dead' when the Doctor has defeated the Master
94. K9 does not need swearwords in his dictionary
95. The Doctor is really 903 years old, this is not the Galifreyian equivalent of 29, and I must not say so.
96. The Doctor does not need anti-wrinkle cream for Christmas, nor should I tell everyone so.
97. I must not use time travel to tease the conspiracy theorists.
98. I will not screw with archaeology, even though the old 'dinosaur eaten my shoe' is quite funny
99. The Blackadder's are already spread out over the course of human history and do not need my help
100. I must not sell TARDIS keys, even though they do fetch a pretty penny
101. The Doctor did not get his name in 'The Universal Book of Record's' for having the longest scarf ever
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