Welcome to Gaia! ::

do you have a skype? ninja

-Kam: You might. I doubt it though.

-Sub-Par Man: I'm neither of those people. And you can have as many guesses as you want.

-LifeSuxEatCake: I do have a Skype. I don't think anyone in the guild knows me on there though.

O.o I dun see it.

I know I wear wigs a lot but still. No one else mistook Waffles for me and we have the same eyes.


Now for the reason I came to this thread. I now have 5 freaking doctors. I thought I was going in for a test and ended up with another one. My mom, who is sicker than me, has 3!

Anxietyworryoverthinking, ohgodwhenwillitstop

gonk

I'm getting physically sick from all this.. I'm so unstable right now >.< Maybe I should just hide out again until I can settle myself...

im feeling very lonely as of late. Ever since the few friends i had went to college i've struggled to be out there. But i don't know and at the same time i think i know what stops me from being who i want to be.

I want things to be perfect, i don't want to be embarrassed in front of others, i want to be the cool guy the one admired like in the shows. Im living a fantasy. I realized that long ago so i tried to learn how to live in reality because i can't be perfect and recently found out i will sometimes be embarrassed or embarrass myself.

In my efforts to try be the person whom i want to be, someone out going, funny, easy to talk to, a friend to everyone and someone who just by being there can make other people feel like they dont got fake who they are, i found that myself is very alike to my father. My mother sometimes would tell me as she cried "your exactly like your father" but i always rejected it until this very moment. I like to think that by admitting my own fault(s) i might be able to have a solid base to work on and finally be the person i want to be.

But i can't do it alone. I feel very lonely and i have nowhere to go. Nowhere where i can meet people or someone to talk to. I decided to return to gaia for that reason, in the hope to make friends. I was able to be whom i wanted to be for sometime and even out there in the world, not just here. But slowly and steady that magic faded away, somehow. The only friends i had online from gaia and other places... i lost them without realizing it. I find myself every day struggling against myself to be me, trying to find a place where i can feel i belong to, i have many wishes and dreams but i lack commitment and at some levels determination as well.

I wish i could speak to someone about this, its gotten so bad im at the point where sometimes i think i should just die. My head depicts images of a tragic death, my own death. But i refuse to obey those images or even think of them. I keep myself busy looking for a way out of all this. Im thinking i might need to see a therapist again. I didn't want to, but seeing someone whom i can talk to.... right now i could settle for anybody even if i have to pay for their time and attention.

My silence and quiet self seems to create a weird and awkward barrier around me. Whenever im around others at work it feels like im not there and if someone notices me... i get scared. I pretend not to see them, i dont recognize their presence, its like they dont exists. Its wrong to do but i dont know why i do it, there has to be more reasons. Maybe i do know after all, i do it because im scared of being embarrassed, of embarrassing myself, im scared to death of being rejected like before. I did have one horrible and miserable childhood. I wish i could stop pinning it on it but i do not know what to do or say anymore. I used to think i could do anything by myself if i committed to it, if i showed my resilience and determination but through the years that flame i had inside also faded or is fading or has faded but could be rekindled. Now i know theres only so much a man can do on his own. I need friends to support me, to help me, and to guide me when im off tracks. Something everyone could call so simple... can be and become so very invaluable.

I would've wrote this in my diary or journal, however you want to call it... but as i said before, i needed somebody, anybody. I don't know what this will make of me but i am looking for attention. My problem is not only out there but at home as well. When i was little i always used to think my little sister was adopted, however, recently i've started to think "...i feel like i might've been the adopted one..." it pains me to say, i feel like i dont belong home either. We are just so out of synch, or so i thought. Mother, father and sister, they all get along so well its like watching the perfect family. Laughter, smiles and playfulness in abundance. I used to think that they weren't even letting me be in the picture.....but im starting to think maybe there isn't room for me at all.

....help me....please.

Nope.