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Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 1:00 pm
Constructive criticism is my game in this thread, so you'll find as much of it as I feel the need to dish out here.
It looks good now. Although I would still like to know more about his family, you've addressed all my other concerns. Consider him Approved.
I'll invite you to the BHotR guild and issue orders for your character.
As of right now, we're nearing the end of a chapter, so afterwards you can join up and start posting (once i've moved us to subchapter 6.5)
Welcome to the RP, and have fun Perusing our BHotR guild for any more info you may want.
~Kai
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Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:33 pm
(( OOC: This is just the edited version of Cibo, minus many of the mistakes.))
Gaian Name: CadetNewb -General Name: Cibo Malinowski Age: 28 Height: 6'1'' Weight: 117 lbs Species: Terran Job: Intelligence Agent Rank: Private Second Class
-Psychological Personality: She is mildly schizophrenic as a product of her experiences and tends to swing from tired and angry to energetic and happy from time to time. She is now often described as a witch by her former acquaintances. Likes: Alcohol, Drugs, People who dislike Drathonians, Her Old Job, Torturing Drathonians (Part of Her Work) Dislikes: Rehab, Drathonians, many things. Goals: Reacquire her previous rank, excel at previous rank, make Drathonians suffer.
History: Cibo comes from a long line of noteworthy military officers and personnel; because of this, her family's downfall was assured in the opening attacks. Her father was a Captain in the rearguard of the retreat while her mother was a particularly gifted Intelligence Officer working alongside him. At the time, her older sister had just graduated from the Academy as an excellent pilot. Meanwhile, the brother was still indecisive about what role he would play in the Terran military.
When the Drathonians attacked, Cibo was a twelve year old girl, and the youngest of the three siblings. If it were not for the Drathonians, she may have been the first of her family in generations not to have an occupation in the military. Instead of becoming an officer, she intended to become a doctor due to her fascination with physiology. During the evacuation of her home planet, she had witnessed the atrocities of the Drathonian war machine firsthand like many, many others. The civilian vessel she was fleeing in was still limping away when it was boarded by the Drathonians. Cibo's sister was outside holding off enemy fighters when she was forced to land for repairs; Cibo, hearing her sister landed on the same ship she was on, rushed to the docking bays. Instead of warm greetings, Cibo somehow killed several Blasters to get to her sister and then dragged her mortally wounded sister into a shuttle. It was only natural that the Drathonian boarders would land in the hanger as well.
As the years flew by, Cibo had begun to slowly recover from her loss. She soon took after her mother and excelled at anything and everything that pertained to Intelligence work. Meanwhile, her older brother preferred to "take it to 'em" in the form of a Terran Marine. At this point, Cibo even found love in the form of a dashing Captain. Sadly, she was dumped on the eve of battle in the worse way possible; a profane Text Message listing her flaws. The ship that the two remaining siblings were on ended up boarded. Soon, the enemy boarders forced their way to the bridge where Cibo watched as her older brother and last living sibling was "painted" on the walls by a particularly energetic Smasher.
After the battle, Cibo proceeded to excessively use her "Advanced Interrogation" skills on her ex-boyfriend as a way of coping with the sudden loss; she had become paranoid and, perhaps reasonably so, believed he dumped her for someone more pretty. A scandal ensued and she found herself severely demoted from her rank of Captain. Soon, Cibo found herself as a Closet Alcoholic and Drug addict. She hid her addiction and vices well from her commanding officers; Cibo firmly believed she would not be an Intelligence Officer worth anything if she couldn't do even that. By a fluke, Cibo was found out and demoted again. She has been working her way back up ever since. Normally, Cibo would have been expunged from the Terran rank and file, but due to her family ties and excellent performance, Rehabilitation was the only other toll she had to pay. Cibo often compares Rehab with losing a sibling again; the grip the numerous chemicals had on her is, and was, very strong. As a result of this bond, Cibo's memories often return as she spirals into withdrawal. She now finds herself transferred to "Battle Hymn", a ship she wrote off as a glory hog and knows little about due to her self centered and narrow minded view. Now, Cibo is once again alone.
-Notes Appearance: She was once pretty and would be still if it were not for her unpleasantness; Her body, though modest, is enticing while her piercing blue eyes stand out from her shoulder blade length raven hair. Sadly, her job's rigors, combined with the various chemicals she subjects herself to, has been turning some of her hair silver. As of late, she has shown little emotion on her face. What emotions Cibo does show have been known to occasionally have crew members waking up from either blissful dreams or horrifying nightmares; the rumors that surround her are of exaggerated and horrifying legend which offsets her natural looks. Distinguishing Characteristics: While on the field, she has no distinguishing details other than a black do-rag or bandanna, plus some kind of outfit designed not to stand out. Among "friends", her piercing blue eyes sharply contrast with the general shadow of darkness that she brings with her.
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 6:16 pm
Much batter than the original. I'm glad you put in the work to correct your mistakes and expand upon a character that had an otherwize mediocre background.
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 9:40 am
Gaian Name: Coldpyro_0 -General Name: Alexander John Isolampi Age: 17 Height: 6'7" Weight: 146 Species: Terran Job: Intelligence Agent Rank razz rivate(default)
-Psychological Personality: Very standoffish to everyone and avoids all types of communication unless with higher rank. Likes: Being unseen. Dislikes: Having to walk in sunlight and in the open. Goals: To destroy the Drathonians from the inside out.
-History Woke up in abandoned apartment and without his memory, except one, the blood of his dead brother spilling across his face.
-Notes Appearance: Slim and athletic, dark hair and sharp hazel eyes. Distinguishing characteristics: Scar over right eyelid.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 4:09 pm
Sorry it took me so long to get to this.
Anyway.
This isn't much more than a profile skeleton, really. it needs more meat, more explanation. Try giving us an explanation of what happened before he woke up, even if no one knows it ICly. Expand on his personality, his likes and dislikes. Give him more of an appearance, and maybe explain that scar he has.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 4:30 pm
Gaian Name: CadetNewb
-General
Name: Yotruyan Clrikii a.k.a. "Killy" Age: 33 Height: 7"8' Weight: 223 lbs Species: Ottyo Job: Colonial Inquisitor Rank: Unknown
-Psychological
Personality: As his occupation name suggests, he is curious about his surroundings, and what he says occasionally entices responses that answer his unstated questions. His lack of knowledge shows, as his questions should already be answered if he were a 'regular' of said environment. Despite the unenviable situations he finds himself in, he often makes the best of it, occasionally or even often, to the discomfort of those around him. Though his profession causes him to seem 'standoffish' Yotruyan is, surprisingly, empathetic to other species considering that his task concerns gathering information to commit Xenocide.
Likes: Interacting with Others, Killing, Sleeping, etc.
Dislikes: Cardiac arrests, Major organ failure, Being brought to the brink of death in general, Drathonians in general
Goals: Obtain knowledge, Dispose or circumvent of what gets in the way of the knowledge he wants, Make the best of current situation. Vengeance. Find others who fight Drathonians.
-History
Short History: Yotruyan Clrikii was born at the height of the golden age of his home world; war had finally been ended due to the creation of mechanical guardians. As the original purpose of war was to kill other people, it was rendered moot. Destroying machines did not provide the same satisfaction or political leverage as killing people. As always, these same machines eventually went rampant, and Yotruyan's people picked up the lost concept of war with gusto. The Ottyo abandoned conventional technology that could be used against them and instead shifted towards advanced bio-engineering; what they could no longer have in cold metal instruments, they replaced with life. A deadlock was reached, and Yotruyan's people decided a backup plan was needed, in case the balance shifted and they lost; hidden colonies were to be made in other nearby galaxies. Limited Resources only permitted one colony in each neighboring galaxy.
The new colonies founded in alien galaxies were completely cut off from the main branch back home, as well as the conflict. Because of this, the colonists found peace again. At the time, Yotruyan was still a normal Galactic Marine when he arrived at one of the new subterranean colonies. He was made obsolete due to the lack of conflict, but a nearby species, known as the Drathonians, discovered an unconcealed surface science center and destroyed it. Along with the loss of the surface, Yotruyan lost both his fiance and his father. Because the rest of the colony was still undiscovered, he could only sit by and let the Drathonians move on; there was to be no revenge. Since then, the colony's council decided to issue Inquisitors to learn about the numerous species and conflicts that plagued the galaxy they arrived at. Needless to say, Yotruyan automatically volunteered to research the Drathonians. It was at this moment he came to believe that war, and its warriors, would never be obsolete so long as any sentient species lived.
Since then, Yotruyan had been landing on planets occupied by the Drathonians, disrupting their lines and learning as much as he could about them. He often used his skills to craft crude weapons that local fighters could utilize to fight the Drathonian occupiers; despite this, the people he 'helped' made little headway. He did not care for this, but merely reveled in the damage the Drathonians suffered. It was not until recently he realized this and resolved to fight personally, obtaining the nickname "Killy" from the natives. Sadly, he knew his seething hate would get the better of him sooner or later, but knew little else he could do; war-fighters of his people were significantly modified to fit perfectly into the job at hand. These same modifications were new; there were numerous problems both psychological and physical. He had a second heart installed in the other side, new glands placed, and so on. If he continued to fight, he would inevitably die unless he stopped; the twin hearts occasionally stuttered, and the stimulants pumped into his blood sometimes made his other organs fail for a time. Yotruyan knew he had no other option but to continue the path in front of him and suffer; the choices he made would reverberate throughout his entire life and kill him...Unless he finds a way to get off the rock he landed on of course.
-Notes
Appearance: For all intents and purposes, Yotruyan looks like a small Drathonian who decided to straighten his back and replace the scales on his head, neck, upper back and forearms with colorful tropical feathers. Unlike Drathonians, he has no scales but skin that is pinkish, suggesting that his people descended from something between birds of prey and large lizards. He also has a crest of feathers on his head that expresses his emotions; the three largest feathers can change color, and move about in different directions.
Distinguishing Characteristics: In combat, and unlike the Drathonians, his people choose to wear "Combat Skin" and "Skeletons". He wear's a "Skeleton" which is black plated, with red running lights and with a completely closed off helmet with a synthetic feather crest on its head. The plating is carefully crafted to resemble a skeleton, as the name suggests, with the helmet holding a pair of empty eye sockets. Up close, he is easily noticed as he wear's cloth weapon holsters and accessories. The suit is bio-organic, and features regenerating armor plating, fibers, and a life support under suit. Most strangely, he carries what he calls a "Matter Creation Rifle" and both his suit and weapon of choice are powered by some sort of semi-organic reactor.
Out of combat, and without his armor, a pair of lines have been seemingly eroded out of the feathers under his eyes; it is assumed these are where his tears go if he cries, assuming his species can shed tears in the first place. A large scratch can be noticed in the feather patterns on his nose as well, and is an indication of a scar. His primary color is bright green decorated with red, yellow and a few rare bits of blue.
Other: The numerous augmentations and modifications he has endured in "The Soldiers' Call" as he describes it, are significant. Yotruyan was of the first generation of Bio-Enhanced Soldiers, which has it's problems. As mentioned earlier, a second heart has been installed opposite of his natural one. This greatly increases his fighting capabilities, but is prone to causing him heart attacks or full cardiac arrests due to injuries he may sustain in combat. New glands and backup organs have also been introduced, which may cause organ failure or multiple organ failure. The Brain grafts and implants designed to enhance Yotruyan's thought processes significantly can occasionally cause insanity and fits of rage; fortunately, he is able to suppress this or express it in the battle field. These are just some of the complications he faces.
((This is an idea I got a little bit back; exploring the prejudices and hates that are woven throughout the war, and how they affect those that resemble Drathonians. Whether or not this guy pans out, I'm just glad I finally got him down.))
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 2:47 pm
Very nice, Newb. It's a well written out bio. I'd love to see more on these 'Ottyo', perhaps in the form of a PM or a submission in the Hymn guild.
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 1:45 pm
For he Benefit of anyone reading this thread: Quote: Gaian Name: Sai Hinoki -General Name: Hinoki Sai Age: 16 Height: 5'3" Weight: 109 lbs Species: Human Job: Engineer Rank: Private 1st Class -Psychological Personality: Hard working and confident. Sai has a determination to get things working again if it takes gauze and a paperclip to hold things together just a little while longer. Give her a machine shop and infinite time and the whole system will work better than it ever has. Likes: Bubblegum, fixing things, praise for her work Dislikes: Drathonians, fixing things, gremlins Goals: To help make a big impact in the war effort. She's not in it for personal glory, but knowing that she managed to deal a significant blow against the Drathonians is all she really wants. -History Short History: Sai was too young to remember when the Drathonian attacks started. She and her parents had been lucky to survive, even if the rest of her neighborhood faired poorly. Her father was a mechanic who joined the army to use his skills to help the Republic, while her mother took care of Sai at home. Her father ended up losing an eye and an arm by the time he returned, and it only filled the young girl with a burning passion to carry on in her father's footsteps, using her own mechanical aptitude and determination to stick it to those alien bastards. Her first assignment was as a fabrication mechanist working in a machine shop, building and modifying whatever was necessary to fix the various broken hardware that came in. She almost got a promotion to battlefield mechanic, but the Drathonians destroyed the fort she was going to be transferred to. Instead she was moved to being a repair technician on board the UTR "Crimson Mask" where the young girl distinguished herself for being able to hold things together in a pinch. When the "Crimson Mask" was damaged beyond repair, it limped back into dock and PFC Hinoki found herself transferred aboard the "Battle Hymn." -Notes Appearance: A sweet young girl with short brown hair and bright red eyes who was a bit of a late bloomer, she's still got a bit of baby fat left in her face, but otherwise is developing nicely. She tends to dress a bit messily, but when you're working on the things that make the ship continue to run, commanding officers tend to not notice little things like that. Distinguishing characteristics: Ripped green jacket (it was her father's), Tool belt, blaster, flash bang and smoke grenades (2 each), a little robot badger named Jimi. Approved!
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Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 2:44 pm
Your data pad lights up as the dossier's contents began to spill onto the screen.
Gaian Name: Gwathdraug -General Name: Adrian Gorefowl Age: 38 Terran Years Height: 5” 9’ Weight: 197 lbs Species: Terran Job: Sniper Rank: Private Second Class
-Psychological Personality: Adrian can be very open with people, but usually only if he initiates contact first. He likes a good joke and is often heard saying, “I couldn’t resist saying that one…” If he is given a job he keeps his mind on a task, unless it is the thick of battle where he uses talking as a type of release. This often ends up to be inane comments such as, “Nice weather we’ve got here, eh?” At times, in hand-to-hand fighting, he is known to go mildly berserk; nothing too dangerous but in a delicate situation it may prove unwanted or fatal. Likes: Adrian prefers a very clear chain of command from the officers, but likes it to be a bit more muddled when it comes to troopers and NCOs. He sees efficiency as one of the key virtues almost as high as loyalty and honour among friends. Before the Treachery he took a liking to falconry. Dislikes: Adrian has a very low view of people who will waste time when more important things can be accomplished. He despises backstabbers, which has reinforced his loathing of the Drathonians. He has little use for zealots and frowns upon people who act without asking why. He holds his acts of berserk fury in deep contempt. Goals: He wishes to survive the war if possible, but won’t abandon duty to do so. If he does he plans to continue his career in the military, but apply for a stable posting. Also, maybe, just somewhere he can find a healthy, young pair of Goshawks to breed.
-History Short History: Adrian pursued his first job as soon as he was eighteen. After five years of work as a civilian electrician he signed up for a stint in the military. Training as infantry and later as a marksman Adrian only served for one year in the military before the Drathonian Treachery. Being estranged from his family and never actually finding what happened to them during this event he considers the most important of the fallen to be Thorsten Jaeger, the closest member of his firing squad to him, and Volos, the Goshawk he used in falconry. Now, fourteen years later, he considers the military to be his number one priority and is constantly trying to improve his efficiency in and out of battle. -Notes Appearance: Adrian has a short cut shock of sand-coloured hair, that while not overwhelmed is beginning to be streaked with grey. His green eyes are somewhat blood-shot, due to long hours of work and awareness. He has kept in shape and is well muscled, if a little thin. When in a group he walks standing at his full height, but when alone tends to have a more stooped or looming gait and stick to the shadows. Distinguishing characteristics: A wide, horizontal burn scar runs along both cheeks and over his hooked, beak-like nose. On the arm of his jacket is a silver shield pin, this pin was given to all of the rearguard during the Drathonian Treachery.
{{If you prefer it I can come in as a private, just let me know.}}
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Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 4:51 pm
It's good, but you should really come in as P3C or P2C, rather than Lance Corporal. If you wanted to give him a higher rank you would have to give him a bit more of a background to justify it.
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Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 4:58 pm
Edited it to Private Second Class, only real reason I went with Lance Corporal was the age, I didn't really want to have a high rank.
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Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2009 5:33 pm
Gaian Name: Corporal Smiles -General Name: Tern Lethern Age:31 Height: 5'',9' Weight: 217 pounds Species: Terran Job: Demo Expert Rank: Private 2nd class
-Psychological Personality: Tern is a simple man, not overly given to introspection or curiosity, not truly caring much for other people and their motivation, foreign and eldritch as they are to him. It's not subtlety that excites him, although he has a somewhat mechanical mind, given to see the workings of things, it's not the clockwork that excites him, but rather what that clock work can do. And in Tern's case this tends to be bombast and explosion. That said Tern is often seen as a stupid man, and while it is true Tern isn't particularly smart, he is cunning and loves to make a fool of people. And subtlety is not his way, no matter how calculating he may be, the end result tends to be an explosion, emotional or incendiary. Tern is, however, quite obedient to his superiors and just likes to get the jobs done. Tern doesn't give much thought to why orders are sent, or the methods he has to employ. He just does them. Likes: Explosions, machines, self-reliance frankness, honesty and a job well done. It gives Tern no small amount of pleasure to see the arrogant and insolent punished and humiliated. Dislikes: Ambiguity, inefficiency, and arrogance. Tern hates those who he sees as cowards and weaklings, those who show hesitance, particularly in battle. Goals: Tern hasn't given much thought to the future, mostly focusing on the present. When he does think it, it is mostly just a vague hope that more, better explosives and weaponry will be produced and that he will last long enough to use it. He enjoys being in the armed forces; the only place he ever received recognition.
-History Short History: Tern was born out to Lynn and Garret Lethern – both ex-military – out in the woods, 17 years before the betrayal. His father, although not formally trained in explosives, had quite an arsenal of them, with which he and Tern used quite a bit, and soon young Tern had moved on to making his own bombs. When he was 14 Tern started working at a explosives factory, and then went to employ his skills working at farms, repairing tools and exploding tree trunks. Then, when Tern was 17 years of age, the Drathonians struck. Luckily he and his father were out deep in the woods when the strike happened, unfortunately, however, his mother was in town. She died. After the strike Tern was pressured to join the military by his father and soon joined. There he performed well and took demolition courses, at which he excelled. Tern then joined the Navy and was a member of one of the Mars class battleships before he was transferred to The "Battle Hymn"
-Notes Appearance: Tern is a heft, if heavily muscled, man. His shiny bald head is bowl shaped, with ruddy brown eyes and a large mouth. A thick neck, broad shoulder and torso; surprisingly nimble fingers and two legs stubby like tree-trunks form the rest of his body. Distinguishing characteristics: Tern's two arms are covered with burn scars and his face often has singe marks as well.
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Posted: Wed Mar 25, 2009 2:26 pm
Good work. you may now both count your characters Approved. You can start posting pretty much right away if you have any ideas for what your characters would be doing.
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:24 am
Gaian Name: Black Thorn Knight -General Name: Nezorie "nezy" Fallcrest Age:20 Height:6' Weight: 190lbs Species: Human (cant spell it>.>) Job: Demolistnest Rank razz rivate 3rd class
-Psychological Personality: Quiet and recluseve dosent like to talk to folks and he has a hard time opening up But give him a job and hill get a glem in his eye that scares most non milatry folks Likes: Classical muisc big booms and fire, mixing chemicals Dislikes: Loud muisc loud pepole and intrusve pepole Goals: become the leader of a demo squad and kick some drathonian tail
-History Short History: finding his way around a milatary camp was never hard for he had lived on them all his life both his father mother sister and brother were milatary it was the family bisness well on his way to school the attack started his mother driveing him whiped the car around and drove him to a safe house(wich is also a shuttle) his mother then headed for the aqrmory as the safe house contuided to fillk he wacthed as th armory vanished in a red beam killing both his mother and father never knowing what fate befell his brother or sister for they were on seperat bases he was then raised by his mothers COs wife
-Notes Appearance: Tall skinny and lanky Raven wing hair Ice blue eyes and a pale complexion Distinguishing characteristics:
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:45 am
I would first like to note that Battle Hymn of the Republic is a literate roleplay, and you have shown a very low level of literacy, at least in the english language.
There are more typos than correct words in this, and you seem to have no grasp of grammar and punctuation. This looks like it was written by an 8-year old, to be honest. I'm not usually mean, but this was just horrible. If you really want to join this roleplay, you need to show a much higher level of writing skill and storytelling.
As it stands, this character is unapproved and needs to be completely redone.
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