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[FY/PR] Duality Ch. 1-6 Up (UPDATE! 10-20-07) Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2 3 ... 5 6 7 8 9 [>] [»|]

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Tommy Dionysus

Fashionable Sex Symbol

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:45 pm


Emotion is a powerful magic on its own. Everyone acts "out of character" when that emotion is strong enough. So no, I think she's just more human now.
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 12:20 am


Phew! sweatdrop That's good. I was a little worried I had gone too far. But, all things considered, I don't think I could bring myself to change it now, anyway.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Leavaros
Crew


KiyoshiKyokai

PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 12:19 pm


Notes:
Quote:
with the blessings of the Magistrate, she was raised as the new Magistrate

Using Magistrate twice like this doesn't sound good.

Quote:
She opposed as any as she could

"many"?

Quote:
"That Autumn, a town called Vale near Cuiet burned to the ground. Few survived. I smelled a conspiracy, and decided to go there and survey the damage. No cause could be documented. Every tree had been burned to the ground, every building razed. The whole place had a feeling of....

"Of terrible, overwhelming sorrow. Of hate deeper than anger.


Interesting break of paragraph. Personally, I think the dots are enough of a pause to add effect. You might consider making this just one paragraph, since each separate paragraph is supposed to be A) a new quotation or B) a separate idea.

Quote:
"Doesn't it!" Master agreed with a laugh, and I wondered if I had done something wrong. I voiced my concern and everyone laughed, even Cook Patti.

"Not at all, Beryl, my boy. Not at all." Master said, wiping a tear away. "And we met Gina there, a fine young woman who I have become very attached to."

Since we're in a long monologue with Nova, it seems strange to have Beryl's "voice" silenced in this way. The voicing of his concerns is a separate idea from Nova's exclamation of "doesn't it!", and thus deserves its own paragraph, for readability. To have it implicitly said (like here) while Nova speaks explicitly can cause a difficulty for the reader.

Quote:
I had never seen Olivia truly shocked before. In her defense, she hid it well. "You...attached!?!"

This expression seems odd, and I'm not sure what to read into it. "became attached" would be easier for your readers to understand. "Attaching" to someone, and "Becoming attached" carry two very different ideas, or images (one physical clinging, and the other emotional). While the use of words isn't wrong, you may be inducing an image you didn't intend to.


General Thoughts:
I agree with Tommy that Olivia has become a much more human character in this chapter, and the developments are all for the better. The plot is tripping along nicely now, and we're getting to see that there are some darker clouds in Beryl's world of eternal blue skies. This could build well into a strong setup for conflict if you work it correctly.

I felt that the emotional release at the end (both for Patti and Nova/Olivia) was a fitting close to the chapter, and well executed, but it leaves little insights into the next chapter, or more specifically, no cliffhangers. Part of your responsibility as a writer is to entice us into the next chapter with the promise of things yet unsaid.

I also noticed that you've finally told us where the name Beryl comes from, and while you made a passing reference to this when he chose the name in previous chapters, I don't think it was so thoroughly explained then. The explanation in this chapter might be more correctly placed there, but its really up to you.

PS: Sorry it took so long to review. I've been waiting for a chance to sit down and give you the proper read you deserve.
PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 12:45 am


Thanks, Kiyokyo! Yeah, I'm going to split this chapter into two chapters. This will be Chapter 5, (And I'll have to rename it), and the next will take on this one's current name "Meeting Magisters and Learning Lessons".

In fact, I'm considering naming Chapter 5 "Meeting Magistras and Learning Lessons", as we meet the majority of the adult female secondaries in this section.

But, that may change later. I intend to add a little note onto the end of the second to last scene about going to his classes tomorrow. That will be the first time we ever meet someone that Beryl doesn't like. And who doesn't care much for Beryl, either.

And isn't that unusual...?

Thanks again, KiyoKyo! Revisions will be made this weekend at the latest. (School's killing me--who thought Precalculus, and Physics would be so hard?)

Love and Vale,
-LD

Leavaros
Crew


Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 8:39 pm


What a crazy life I lead. That's what's on my mind these days. I wish I had more time to type, but it seems each minute of each day is packed with one activity or another. My apologies to my readers: I shan't keep you much longer--I fear I should die if I do not write something soon!

Love and Vale,
-LD
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:18 am


You better get back to writing! You've hinted at all this great stuff that's going to happen--rivals, second main characters, etc.

If you just leave us hanging, we won't forgive you! scream scream scream

-KK

KiyoshiKyokai


PaperSongs

PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:39 pm


More more! 3nodding
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 11:48 am


I'm pissed.

I typed out a whole scene, and it didn't go through. Expect delays. My apologies.
-LD

Leavaros
Crew


Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 3:59 pm


UPDATE!
*****

Sorry about the delays. Gaia and I have had run-ins before, but I've never been so upset, at least online. It'll take a while to rewrite that scene, and you better believe that from now on it goes on MW first.
-LD
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:19 pm


Chapter Six: Meeting Magisters and Starting Studies

VelArian
~~~~~

Dawn's light and golden scents washed over me from behind the sofa. I rose from my sleeping place to find Cook Patti smiling at me from the table by the wide window, a tense smile, as if she were trying to keep her teeth from chattering. When I walked over, I took my blanket and draped it around her shoulders before seating myself for breakfast.

And what a splendid meal awaited me! It was a feast not only fit for the stomach, but for the eyes and nose as well. Two pitchers--one filled with milk, and the other with orange juice--towered over an only slightly shorter stack of pancakes, drenched in a golden syrup, a platter of rolled pancakes--"crepes", Cook Patti told me, "in the style of Gadolia"--with cream and strawberry preserves stuffed inside, summer sausage and fresh eggs on yet another platter, and finally a quaint pot of peach-flavored tea sitting nearest Patti, as fat as she was thin. The golden scents of summer filled me with warmth even as the view outside revealed gently falling snowflakes set against a calm blue sky with a great white sun. Cook Patti had created an oasis of summer warmth in winter's heart. It was so very like her: sight and smell should have clashed, but each oddly complemented the other.

A mug opposite Patti awaited me at my place. I sat down, and I picked food from the platters, relishing the scents. Patti self-consciously tugged at my blanket, pulling it around her like a shawl. "You're such a kind boy. And such an appetite! You know how to make a cook feel appreciated."

By this time I was on my second pancake and third crepe. I choked down the last bite of each and washed it down with milk--the orange juice tasted too bitter with the other sweetnesses--and then said, "You do appreciate Alan." Then it hit me that she was talking about herself--"Not to say that I don't appreciate you! And I do appreciate Alan, I mean, the meal is wonderful!"

"But...how did you--" Cook Patti looked confused.

"The strawberries." I filled in as I put two eggs and three sausages on my plate, and refilled the glass with the juice. That was fine--the clean sweetness of the orange brought out the sunniness of the eggs and the spices in the sausages. "It's the only thing that didn't fit. I know that you would never really change the complement to a meal--it isn't your style. At least, it doesn't seem like it." I stopped here and looked at her, and she nodded. "But Alan would. For you, anyway. And I've never seen anyone cook with so much fruit. It does seem very...Alan, you know?"

"You are such a special boy...." She watched me for a moment as I stuffed another egg in my mouth, and chased it with the bright drink. Then, "You got all of that from a night and a morning?"

I shrugged. "It isn't difficult to look at things and make links." I paused, thoughtfully. "You know, it's almost a shame that Alan caters to you like this."

"Why do you say that?"

"I'm not really sure. Alan seems like he takes his job seriously. Yet he is willing to replace parts of his breakfast for you."

"I never thought of it like that...." Patti sipped at her tea pensively. "do you think he does so to curry favor?"

Curry? I thought to myself, Maybe for lunch.. But then, I shook my head, getting back on topic. "No...I think he does it because he knows you like strawberries."

"They always were my favorite." She said nostalgically, smiling.

"But even so...I don't think it's right to compromise his own meal so that you can get your favorite food. It...takes something way from the food."

Patti sighed. "Sometimes, I think you know too much for your own good." She looked out the window. "I've chided him time after time to do as he wishes and he always tells me the same thing, 'I am doing what I want. I like to make you happy.'"

"That does sound like something he would say." I admitted with a sigh. "But I still think if he wanted to make you truly happy, he would make fewer changes for other people."

A long silence. "That is true, as well. It has always been my greatest hope for him. You know, you sound just like your Master." She smiled, her eyes becoming unfocused. "Nova, the Magister of Ethics."

"So that's what he teaches." I nodded to myself. It sounded like him. But I wondered where his multitasking fit in there.

"Well, no." Patti said, surprising me. "There hasn't been an Ethics class since Lionel was Magistrate. And of course, now that we need it most, it's not here."

I almost asked what she meant by that, and then thought better of it. "Then what does he teach?"

"Not much anymore. Mostly, he does research. Especially on people and places. He's more historian than teacher, anymore." She smiled and sighed, the picture of an old friend sipping tea.

"Master says that history is a teacher in itself, to anyone who cares to attend its classes." I was actually getting full. It was an unusual feeling, heavy and light at the same time.

Patti laughed, her smile warm with memories. "Yes, that is something Nova would say."

"It's kind of a shame. That he isn't teaching anymore, I mean. It seems like he has so much to give and..." So little time to give it. "So many people who need it."

She made an assenting sound and counseled, "Perhaps you should tell him that. You might change his mind."

I groaned. "At least I would have a teacher I know. I haven't even met all of my Magisters yet."

"But you will, Beryl. Today." Patti looked at me, smiling gently, eyes unreadable with warmth. Then, she turned her face to the window, looking out into the Campus. "Where is your Master anyway, I wonder? It's already midmorning."

"Maybe he stayed up late talking with Magistra Olivia." I theorized, looking outside.

Cook Patti made a sound in her throat. "I can imagine her keeping him up, dragging the stories out of him one by one." She hid a tiny smile in her teacup, but not before I caught sight of it. "And he deserves it, too, abandoning the poor girl like that. Shameful." She shook her head resolutely and tried not to smile.

My confusion was cleared up when Master came to get me.
~~~~~  

Leavaros
Crew


Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 6:39 pm


Post 100 and updated! I'm not at all happy with this scene, but at least it's out there now....
-LD
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 7:55 pm


Quote:
A mug opposite Patti awaited me at my place. I sat down, and I picked food from the Patti self-consciously tugged at my blanket, pulling it around her like a shawl. "You're such a kind boy. And such an appetite! You know how to make a cook feel appreciated."


A little disagreement here. I think you may have lost train of thought somewhere?

Quote:
Curry? I thought to myself, but then shook my head. "No...I think he does it because he knows you like strawberries."


You should make a curry joke here. I'm not sure how, but it needs to be.

--------

I was interested in how Patti and Alan's love for one another causes them to want things that are at odds with one another. It's an interesting relationship, but one that I think we can all relate to. Nice portrayal of the subtleties of a close friendship.

Keep up the pace. If you take too long between chapters, the readers will lose track of what's going on.

KiyoshiKyokai


Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 11:00 am


This should be in Whisper, but my computer's acting up. gonk

Made revisions. Added this bit to the last part:

Quote:
You know, you sound just like your Master." She smiled, her eyes becoming unfocused. "Nova, the Magister of Ethics."

"So that's what he teaches." I nodded to myself. It sounded like him. But I wondered where his multitasking fit in there.

"Well, no." Patti said, surprising me. "There hasn't been an Ethics class since Lionel was Magistrate. And of course, now that we need it most, it's not here."

I almost asked what she meant by that, and then thought better of it. "Then what does he teach?"

"Not much anymore. Mostly, he does research. Especially on people and places. He's more historian than teacher, anymore." She smiled and sighed, the picture of an old friend sipping tea.

"Master says that history is a teacher in itself, to anyone who cares to attend its classes." I was actually getting full. It was an unusual feeling, heavy and light at the same time.

Patti laughed, her smile warm with memories. "Yes, that is something Nova would say."

"It's kind of a shame. That he isn't teaching anymore, I mean. It seems like he has so much to give and..." So little time to give it. "So many people who need it."

She made an assenting sound and counseled, "Perhaps you should tell him that. You might change his mind."

I groaned. "At least I would have a teacher I know. I haven't even met all of my Magisters yet."

"But you will, Beryl. Today." Patti looked at me, smiling gently, eyes unreadable with warmth. Then, she turned her face to the window, looking out into the Campus. "Where is your Master anyway, I wonder? It's already midmorning."

"Maybe he stayed up late talking with Magistra Olivia." I theorized, looking outside.

Cook Patti made a sound in her throat. "I can imagine her keeping him up, dragging the stories out of him one by one." She hid a tiny smile in her teacup, but not before I caught sight of it. "And he deserves it, too, abandoning the poor girl like that. Shameful." She shook her head resolutely and tried not to smile.

My confusion was cleared up when Master came to get me.


And made a curry joke. A mediocre curry joke.
-LD
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 9:26 am


Gah, why don't you post in normal chapters?! It makes critiquing so much easier, bwargh! I've been finding little slips here and there on tenses, you some times slip from first person limited to 3rd person omniscient. It gets a bit annoying because I don't pick it up consciously until I started looking for it. Watch for word slips too, some times you forget to add in words.

Overall, because I haven't read all the little parts, but I think you've really got something good here. I just need to find time to finish the rest of it.

the Lion

The Great Lion
Crew


Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 7:52 pm


Thanks and sorry! The way this is written, the chapters are collections of individual scenes that make up a part of VelArian's life.
-LD
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