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 Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 5:39 am
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
(Can I join in?)
The midmorning sun burned away the thick foam of fog which had floated over the spring green wood. As the depressing gray fled to hide for another sunny day, the forest animals finally awoke and filled the air with happy chirps, content growls, and excited purrs. Fluffy bunnies and squirrels chased each other back and forth on a progressively winding dirt path. Birds sought worms and grubs among the lush bushes for their newly feathered youngsters. Nothing could disturb this peace. Noth-
"Stupid trees!"
- ing except for a twelve-year-old girl. As if a cannon fired, animals vanished into the air, holes, really anywhere they could hide from the boisterous girl. The said young girl kept fighting with the branches which seemed to like her a little too much. Branches and spiky vines latched onto and dug into her homespun shirt and knee length skirt, the pack on her back, in her hair, anything they could grab. It was this painful situation that caused her expletive. She fought for what seemed like hours to her and just before she gave up from exhaustion, she finally extricated herself from the branches only to land hard on the dirt path.
"Oww!"
After pushing a few rough cut bangs from her face, the little girl moved to sit on her behind from her face to examine the new injuries to her legs, adding to the collection of small cuts and bruises which were the battle wounds from other such fights. Sighing loudly, he pulled the slightly damaged pack from her back to make sure nothing was missing and that her little friend was still asleep.
Okay Kellen, this is the last time you are chasing after little animals! You cannot do thi-
A small chipmunk scurried from one side of the road to the woods on the other side. Kellen immediately forgot her fatigue and scrambled from her spot to chase after the furry creature.
"Come back! I'm not going to hurt you!"
She barely stopped herself from dashing into the woods to start the battle of the trees part five. What stopped her mad dash was a little mew from her pack which now lay on the road after Kellen carelessly placed it there.
"Luna!"
Rushing back to her pack, Kellen reached inside to take out the little nine week old kitten. Luna protested from the picking up but soon settled down from her meowing and struggles as Kellen petted the adorable black and white kitten.
"So Luna, left or right?"
The kitten merely looked up at her new master cutely and purred. Kellen smiled and held the kitten closer.
"Left it is!"
After picking up her pack and putting it on her back, Kellen and the kitten turned to the left heading to the Garden Shrine.
-Douglas Adams
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 11:11 am
Footsteps echoed down the halls accompanied by the light chime of his small bell as the phoenican wandered the abbey, cradling his head in the palm of his talon in hope of stilling the painful ringing.
"Why is it that you can never find the kitchen on your first try?" Deugaro questioned aloud before sighing dejectedly. "I really need to brew my tea..."
He continued walking around, gathering a small understanding of the layout before he found what looked to be a promising door.
The assassin opened the wooden portal was rewarded with the sight of a dining hall.
However there seemed to be someone already occupied the room.
From what he could tell, it was a Dragon-kin and in his hand was a picture of obvious importance.
Deugaro knew when not to interrupt and took a chair, the wooden supports groaning slightly under his weight...
And he waited.
(Sorry about the "starting a sentence with AND is evil" rule. Writer's block.)
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 9:21 am
Aeros Endeem ((YAY! I went up a rank! I'm happy!)) Aurak looks down, he places his right hand behind his right wing. He pulls out a small pack that he had tucked up under the wing. Opens it with a -Zip- across the top, he pulls out a photo of a woman in her late teens to early twenties. She had long, flowing red hair, she had beautiful red eyes. She also was dressed in a long, red gown that looked like a wedding dress. She also wore red dress shoes. Leaning against a cherryblossom tree. He knew he wont see her for a long time, Until he was done here. The hardwood floors creaked a little as he paced back and forth from his chair to the next one, and back. Stops back at his seat, his eyes start welling up. He misses her with all his heart, Remembers back to when they first met. In a realm of fire, known as 'The realm of love'. He, and herself was together for some umpteen years. "Ph-Pheonix." He pauses for a while. Tears start pouring out of his eyes, he really missed her. So much, it hurt his heart to even think about it. He simply couldn't live without her, That is how much he loves her.
You're doing well, you deserved it. Me on the other hand, my head feels like its going to split open. D: Rawr. Here we go though. Quote: Aurak looks down, he places his right hand behind his right wing. Quote: Aurak looks down. He then places his right hand behind his right wing. Quote: Aurak looks down and places his right hand behind his right wing. Quote: Opens it with a -Zip- across the top, he pulls out a photo of a woman in her late teens to early twenties. Quote: She had long, flowing red hair, she had beautiful red eyes. She also was dressed in a long, red gown that looked like a wedding dress. She also wore red dress shoes. Quote: She had long, flowing red hair and beautiful red eyes. Dressed in a long red gown, much like a wedding dress, she also wore red dress shoes.
The sentence after that you can make it "she was leaning against...". The paragraph was broken up with the word "dressing" starting the sentence before it. So we should have a great flowing description now.Quote: She had long, flowing red hair and beautiful red eyes. Dressed in a long red gown, much like a wedding dress, she also wore red dress shoes. She was leaning against a cherry blossom tree.
A few other notes of things that keep getting misplaced.
-Some sentences can be strung together to make better, long sentences.
-Capitalizations don't belong in the middle of a sentence unless its a proper noun like a person, place or thing.
-Some commas don't belong before the word "and". Commas are a pause in your speaking.
-As a general rule, if you use two actions ending in 's', one should be probably 'ing' instead of 's'. With some actions, you need to in the middle of an action when another one more important comes along.
:3
This was good, you just blossomed. Your creativity and the flavor of your character is really showing through. X3 I loved reading this, mistakes aside.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 1:40 pm
As she walked towards the slight tugging of magic, Mira frowned at the floor, hoping that she wasn't walking into some kind of trap. If I do, I'm an idiot.
Sighing, she pulled up on her pack's strap as it slid over her shoulder, again. Mira looked ahead, spotting a grand door set into the wall. It was a plain wooden door; though even from this distance she could see the small, detailed carvings in the wood. She couldn't spot a doorknob, so she wondered if she had to push the door open. Hopefully it won't be too heavy. I'm not exactly all that strong...
When she reached the door, Mira placed her hand on it, tracing a few carvings in admiration. After a few minutes she sighed again, pushing against the door with her free hand. To her surprise the door swung smoothly open, revealing a large dining hall on the other side, with quite a few people already sitting at the table.
Mira coughed quietly as the people stared at her, startled. "Um, hi?" she said weakly, waving her hand at the group.
(I'm sorry I haven't posted lately. Real Life mugged me and stole some of my time...That and I wanted to give you a break from having to deal with to many posts...I hope you don't mind that I took liberties in describing the door, I just don't remember if someone had already described it or not... Oh and, yay! Up a rank! ^^)
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:09 pm
(Sorry about not leaving a post. Couldn't go on for a while. I should be allowed on more often soon. Hopefully!! Oh, yea. When italic it's a thought.)
"Liran. That's okay, just a little warning will be fine." Wow. Haven't had that magic used on me for a while. He pushed open the doors, and felt a gust of wind blow past him. "Too many people. Can't trace the pulse. "Liran murmured. The girl from the gate caught his eye. Kind of defiant now aren't we? He walked up to the table and stood behind an empty chair. Can't use magic, I want to see how good she is. He looked around at all the people there. Then looked for Raoden.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:09 pm
Deugaro Footsteps echoed down the halls accompanied by the light chime of his small bell as the phoenican wandered the abbey, cradling his head in the palm of his talon in hope of stilling the painful ringing. "Why is it that you can never find the kitchen on your first try?" Deugaro questioned aloud before sighing dejectedly. "I really need to brew my tea..." He continued walking around, gathering a small understanding of the layout before he found what looked to be a promising door. The assassin opened the wooden portal was rewarded with the sight of a dining hall. However there seemed to be someone already occupied the room. From what he could tell, it was a Dragon-kin and in his hand was a picture of obvious importance. Deugaro knew when not to interrupt and took a chair, the wooden supports groaning slightly under his weight... And he waited. (Sorry about the "starting a sentence with AND is evil" rule. Writer's block.) Aurak continues to look at the picture. He sniffs a couple times from his crying. The tears let up a bit, though one can see the stains they left behind. Sensing that someone else was in the room, he looks up and around until he finds a Middle aged man sitting in a seat. (Where did you sit? On the same side as Aurak, or across the table? XD) Aurak became startled by his appearance. "GAHH! Drack!" With his right hand, he hid the picture behind his back, panting from becoming startled. Pointing to the man with his left hand, he asked "Who are you and where did you come from?"
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 9:17 pm
"Liran." Raoden mumbled, then slouched into the hall directly behind Liran, hoping dearly that no one was paying too much attention to the door and, if they did notice them enter, that Liran would attract all the attention. He stood behind the empty chair next to the one Liran had chosen and did his best to become a part of the background to anyone looking. He succeded fairly well considering that he had no magical abilities that could create that effect.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 9:24 pm
TwoDou "I'm sorry!" Vanyel said quickly hoping to gain the elderly man's forgiveness for his blunder, "I have never seen a place like this before, what is it?" The man responded seeming a little happier at Van's attempt, "It is a Chapel my son. People of many religions come here to worship." He gestured around to the many objects in the room, "These are what they use to worship, paintings and idols of deities. Religious alters of all kinds for all purpose. For things such as praying, burning incense, even for sacrifices." he seemed pleased with himself for the fine introduction, "If you would like, I can leave you to yourself so you can study them." The seeming protector of the holy place bowed and walked into a side room. Van strolled slowly giving each object he came across a careful look. Some were beautiful and some were grotesque. One was of a mysterious figure standing on a pool of water with skeletons and other tortured looking souls rose from the pool strove to touch his hand. Vanyel stared at him somehow appalled at the god, but at the same time fascinated by him. "I wonder who he is." Van muttered and at the same time vowing to find out who he was.
Thanks for getting a post up. I'm sure the others are glad you did and want to eventually have their characters mingle with theirs. Anyways, here we go. I really like this post. It extends how we look at the abbey in a very wonderful way.Quote: "I'm sorry!" Vanyel said quickly , hoping... Quote: Vanyel stared at him somehow appalled at the god, but at the same time fascinated by him. "I wonder who he is." Van muttered and at the same time vowing to find out who he was. Quote: Vanyel stared at him, appalled at the god, but at the same time fascinated by him. "I wonder who he is." Van muttered, vowing to find out who he was.
+1 rank awarded.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:14 pm
Abreena "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
(Can I join in?)
The midmorning sun burned away the thick foam of fog which had floated over the spring green wood. As the depressing gray fled to hide for another sunny day, the forest animals finally awoke and filled the air with happy chirps, content growls, and excited purrs. Fluffy bunnies and squirrels chased each other back and forth on a progressively winding dirt path. Birds sought worms and grubs among the lush bushes for their newly feathered youngsters. Nothing could disturb this peace. Noth-
"Stupid trees!"
- ing except for a twelve-year-old girl. As if a cannon fired, animals vanished into the air, holes, really anywhere they could hide from the boisterous girl. The said young girl kept fighting with the branches which seemed to like her a little too much. Branches and spiky vines latched onto and dug into her homespun shirt and knee length skirt, the pack on her back, in her hair, anything they could grab. It was this painful situation that caused her expletive. She fought for what seemed like hours to her and just before she gave up from exhaustion, she finally extricated herself from the branches only to land hard on the dirt path.
"Oww!"
After pushing a few rough cut bangs from her face, the little girl moved to sit on her behind from her face to examine the new injuries to her legs, adding to the collection of small cuts and bruises which were the battle wounds from other such fights. Sighing loudly, he pulled the slightly damaged pack from her back to make sure nothing was missing and that her little friend was still asleep.
Okay Kellen, this is the last time you are chasing after little animals! You cannot do thi-
A small chipmunk scurried from one side of the road to the woods on the other side. Kellen immediately forgot her fatigue and scrambled from her spot to chase after the furry creature.
"Come back! I'm not going to hurt you!"
She barely stopped herself from dashing into the woods to start the battle of the trees part five. What stopped her mad dash was a little mew from her pack which now lay on the road after Kellen carelessly placed it there.
"Luna!"
Rushing back to her pack, Kellen reached inside to take out the little nine week old kitten. Luna protested from the picking up but soon settled down from her meowing and struggles as Kellen petted the adorable black and white kitten.
"So Luna, left or right?"
The kitten merely looked up at her new master cutely and purred. Kellen smiled and held the kitten closer.
"Left it is!"
After picking up her pack and putting it on her back, Kellen and the kitten turned to the left heading to the Garden Shrine. -Douglas Adams
Oh, you're a clever girl. It is a very detailed post that shows the spark of your character off to everyone who might read it. There are things to be fixed, but tomorrow unfortunately. I have to get up early and will do this first thing when I get on the computer.
Good morning! Shall we get started?.Quote: Branches and spiky vines latched onto and dug into her homespun shirt and knee length skirt, the pack on her back, in her hair, anything they could grab. Quote: After pushing a few rough cut bangs from her face, the little girl moved to sit on her behind from her face to examine the new injuries to her legs, adding to the collection of small cuts and bruises which were the battle wounds from other such fights.
Quote: She barely stopped herself from dashing into the woods to start the battle of the trees part five. Quote: She barely stopped herself from dashing into the woods to start the battle of the trees part five when a small mew held her back.
Rank assigned.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:16 pm
Squireof the son (Sorry about not leaving a post. Couldn't go on for a while. I should be allowed on more often soon. Hopefully!! Oh, yea. When italic it's a thought.) LadyFireCat (I'm sorry I haven't posted lately. Real Life mugged me and stole some of my time...That and I wanted to give you a break from having to deal with to many posts...I hope you don't mind that I took liberties in describing the door, I just don't remember if someone had already described it or not... Oh and, yay! Up a rank! ^^)
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 7:42 am
Deugaro Footsteps echoed down the halls accompanied by the light chime of his small bell as the phoenican wandered the abbey, cradling his head in the palm of his talon in hope of stilling the painful ringing. "Why is it that you can never find the kitchen on your first try?" Deugaro questioned aloud before sighing dejectedly. "I really need to brew my tea..." He continued walking around, gathering a small understanding of the layout before he found what looked to be a promising door. The assassin opened the wooden portal was rewarded with the sight of a dining hall. However there seemed to be someone already occupied the room. From what he could tell, it was a Dragon-kin and in his hand was a picture of obvious importance. Deugaro knew when not to interrupt and took a chair, the wooden supports groaning slightly under his weight... And he waited. (Sorry about the "starting a sentence with AND is evil" rule. Writer's block.)
Otherwise its good. All those little things from the last few posts are totally cleared up giving way to a very good, clean post. Lets try expanding the next one a bit. I know you have limited time for posting, so if you need to, just put a note at the end saying if you are in the middle of making it and need more time. :3 Very, very good.
+1 Rank
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 7:54 am
Announcement:
Good job everyone. I think for every post I've graded so far in the past few days, most everyone has gone up a rank. :3 I'm so proud of you guys. A few notes though.
As soon as someone hits the level of Advanced, they will have the option of having me ask questions about their posts, trying to get more description out of them rather than focusing on grammar which by this level will be mastered for the most part.
Advanced Med will unlock a character profile creation option, where we work one on one via pm on creating an epic profile. :3
I ask, like in the case of LadyFireCat, you continue posting as good influence to your fellow students around you. You do not have to though. Upon completion of the character profile, you will graduate and be released to wreak your havoc on unsuspecting threads. I suggest Penden's Fenetris rp located in one of the sub forums in this guild. You will all be invited to join an rp I am in the middle of creating once it is complete.
That is all.
-Cera
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 8:41 am
Aniur Announcement:
Good job everyone. I think for every post I've graded so far in the past few days, most everyone has gone up a rank. :3 I'm so proud of you guys. A few notes though.
As soon as someone hits the level of Advanced, they will have the option of having me ask questions about their posts, trying to get more description out of them rather than focusing on grammar which by this level will be mastered for the most part.
Advanced Med will unlock a character profile creation option, where we work one on one via pm on creating an epic profile. :3
I ask, like in the case of LadyFireCat, you continue posting as good influence to your fellow students around you. You do not have to though. Upon completion of the character profile, you will graduate and be released to wreak your havoc on unsuspecting threads. I suggest Penden's Fenetris rp located in one of the sub forums in this guild. You will all be invited to join an rp I am in the middle of creating once it is complete.
That is all.
-Cera ((-rubs hands together evily- Wreak havoc. Muahaha! sorry... i was tempted sweatdrop . lol))
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