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 Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:07 pm
Artist at Heart Zen Gentleman: You need to work with your paragraph structure a little more. also, you overuse pronouns. Try something like "the man" or other things along those lines. Maybe I like to use white space. wink razz As for the pronouns... *shrugs* I wasn't trying to impress. I was just putting something down. But you're right. It's not just the pronouns, but the parallel syntax structure, i.e. too much of the same thing. He did this. He did that. He thought this. He thought that. Very much closed off, and not open to possibility.
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:23 pm
I've been in a rut, what do you expect? emo And the paragraph itself is about a guy sitting in the oppressive heat. I probably could have elaborated a bit on the boredom that goes with sitting in an office in the heat -- and then maybe used the parallel sentence structure to emphasize that sense of inescapable boredom... I still like my white space. talk2hand razz
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 5:01 pm
*Shrug* Maybe.
Holy crap, you saw my deleted post! gonk
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 6:49 pm
I will not break my promise, not this time...
It had been weeks since his encounter with Demi, the young shapeshifter he had sworn to accompany on his journey, as a guardian as well as a friend, but to Kohaku's dismay, it seemed that Demi had given him the slip only a few days later. "Does he distrust humans that much to put so little worth in my promise?" he muttered to himself as leaped from rooftop to rooftop among the shops, stopping every now and then to survey the surroundings for a hint of his would-be companion.
It was raining that day, just as it is now...
"Check their vitals.
"Takako..."
"The girl's dead, most likely at impact, but the boy... He's still alive. Should we finish him off?"
"No, leave him, he's as good as dead anyway. The Superior wanted us to immobilize them, and we've done that. Now it's time to move onto the next group."
"Gotcha."
Takako's... Dead...? ...I'm sorry... I promised I'd protect you...
"Stop it Koahku, thinking about the day she died will only make you vulnerable to possession, and that's the last thing we want in this city. Focus on finding Demi."
With that he moved on, ever moving closer to the shop where, block's away, rested a young girl and a wolf.
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 11:25 am
The sky darkend to a deeper gray as a young woman of flawed beauty ran down the coblestone streets. Her eyes of crimson were hidden well behind her dark green hair that fell into her face. Inside her heart if it was raining then on the outside it was raining as well. Her pale face was slightly red from the many tears that she had cried. Which were only masked by the heavy rain that fell from the sky.
"Is this my fate?"
'Since when can your fate be decided for you?' Someone replied back within her thoughts though.
"Fate is always decided by others!" She cried out as she slipped and fell into a puddle.
Now her purple cloak, black corset, velvet purple skirt, and leather boots were soaked. This time though it wasn't only the rain's fault, though the blame could be place there if she desired for it to be there.
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 2:12 pm
Artist at Heart *Shrug* Maybe. Holy crap, you saw my deleted post! gonk What's wrong with that? No need to be ashamed of being honest.
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 2:23 pm
Meh, I guess not. >_<
Whitewolve: Touching. I like it. :3
FallenxCrimsonxRose: Little...Emo. xD But I like this as well. :3
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 3:20 pm
Hin was falling, out of the plane, no parachute on his back. 'Help me,' he thought to himself. 'I am falling. Nothing will protect me.' At least he fell to save the world, the world's most dangerous person right ahead of him, also fell out with no parachute. "If I die, you die with me!" shouted Hin. The person's name was unknown, but he was more powerful than Hitler ever was, and killed more. "This is the end to your reign," he shouted with the wind growing louder the faster he was falling. The ground was approaching, ever closer, 'Here it comes,' he thought, then nothing. He opened his eyes, and looked up. He was hovering in the air, the unknown man's bones cracked and him dead right next to him. "How can this happen?" he asked aloud. "Why am I not dead?"
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 6:32 pm
Artist at Heart
reading through your post. . . .I. . .Love. . .It. I'll look through again for any errors, but the descriptiveness is awesome. Is it for a book?
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:47 pm
Athilea Majiri: xD No. It's a parody of the Warriors series, though I might use it for one of my little stories I make in my head.... confused hideyyo: Quote: Hin was falling, out of the plane, no parachute on his back. Help me, he thought to himself. I am falling. Nothing will protect me. At least he fell to save the world, the world's most dangerous person right ahead of him, also fell out with no parachute. "If I die, you die with me!" shouted Hin. The person's name was unknown, but he was more powerful than Hitler ever was, and killed more. "This is the end to your reign !" he shouted with the wind growing louder the faster he was falling. The ground was approaching, ever closer, Here it comes, he thought, then nothing. He opened his eyes, and looked up. He was hovering in the air, the unknown man's bones cracked and him dead right next to him. "How can this happen?" he asked aloud. "Why am I not dead?" When did he close his eyes in the first place? Well, it's pretty good. :3 Not right up my alley, but I like it. EDIT: Awesome! 100th post! ^_^
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Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 10:26 am
Artist at Heart Meh, I guess not. >_< Whitewolve: Touching. I like it. :3 FallenxCrimsonxRose: Little...Emo. xD But I like this as well. :3 Heh, well....I suppose, thats my usual. Thanks though for the critic, or rahter comment. I apreciate it very much.
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Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 8:19 pm
Vampire Kurix Here shall be my own made post. I shall be using my multi-used character, Leon Valentine. Really, he is a Vampire, but he can be a different number of things as well. I hope you all enjoy my post. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Night time. The time where the weak rest, and the strong rise. As humans slumber, beasts and entities of their nightmares roam, and they feed on the humans that do not slumber. One particular human this night, was walking home from work. Her name was Rose Blackthorn. She was 22 years old, and she worked at a night club. Being the Assistant Manager was a tough job, especially with a pervert of a boss. Lightly scoffing at the thought of what had happened this night, she laughed out loud, holding a gloved hand over soft, pink lips. "That man. Thinks he can have his way with me. Ha! Now there's a good laugh. I showed that pervert who's in charge of my sex life." She fell silent, as she turned a corner, passing a stranger in a black trench coat, with the hood over his face, to hide his facial features. Rose had a light whiff of the cologne, blushing. She had remembered that a man in the club earlier had the same scent. She was nearing her apartment now, as exhaustion came closer and closer. Slowly, she opened the door to the main building, the inside interior very roomy, and cozy. There was some potted plants hanging from the ceiling in some of the corners, with small ceramic animals right under. Straight forward, there was a door, which led to the Apartment manager's office, where everyone went to pay their rent each month. Rose turned to the right, heading for the elevator. Her room was on the third floor, and that tended to take too long to climb up the staircase. Walking right over to the silver, metallic doors, she pressed the button on the wall, waiting for the doors to open. As she waited... she felt something wrong. Something... impeding... and evil. She shook it off as a feeling, before the doors opened, and she stepped inside. The doors closed afterwards, Rose pressing another button on the wall. She lightly closed her eyes, as she began to think about the future. She didn't notice that familiar scent had returned, as she was too deep in her thoughts to recognize it. There was a small ping, as the elevator stopped, its doors opening, to reveal the Third Floor hallway. She walked into the hall, going for the first door to the right. She pulled out a silver key, sticking it into the keyhole, and turning it to the left. She pushed open the door, flipping on the lights, as she walked inside. "Ahh, home sweet home." She instantly kicked off her high heels, pushing them aside, as she walked into her apartment. It was a five roomer, which tended to be a good thing. A Living room, Kitchen, Bathroom, Bedroom, and a bathroom with a bathtub. She slowly peeled her clothes off, as she approached the bedroom, wanting to go to sleep. By the time she had reached the room, she was in her undergarments. Laying on her bed, was her nightgown, which she always set out for late nighters like this one. Picking up the silf item, she slipped it on, before crawling into the bed, slipping under the comforter. Lightly closing her eyes... she began to rest.
"Rose Blackthorn... my newest meal..."
Her eyes shot open, but her body denied movement. She tried her best, but she couldn't move even a centimeter. There was a dark figure looming over her. The person's skin was pale; pale as any ghost from Television. His eyes were Baby blue, like some hunk from her dreams. His hair was as dark as the shadows, and it covered his facial features. His mouth was open, showing off a wide row of teeth, and two large, very sharp fangs. The man began to grin, as he pinned Rose to the bed. "Who... who are you?! What the hell are you doing here!?" Fear was deep in her tone, but she was trying to stay tough. The man laughed lightly, a gloved hand sliding over her left breast. "Leon Valentine. Vampire. Yes, Vampires do exist. You might not live long enough to tell the world, though." Leon leaned down, his mouth kissing her cheek, as his hands slid up, pulling down the cover, as his mouth found her neck. He opened his mouth now, licking at the skin. Then, he placed his lips over her neck, and bit down hard. Rose screamed in pain, but was silenced shortly after, by Leon's right hand. Drawing blood, the vampire drank from his meal, as he drained her body of all the blood. She fought as much as she could, trying to get him off, and scream for help, but he was simply too strong. She was soon silenced forever, as she was nothing but a crippled corpse now. Leon pulled away, his skin lit up with the fresh blood inside his body. Smiling lightly, he rose from her body, and silently left the apartment. He left the door to her room open, as he wanted people to find out. He loved their fear... and as he slipped out into the night, he dropped a single red rose outside, in front of the Apartment Complex, to commemorate his latest meal's death. Then, as quickly as he came, he was gone. Rose Blackthorn had died, to Leon Valentine. Her family would never know their daughter's killer, but all that would be, was the red rose left behind...
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 1:10 am
Now the world catches on fire, and all hell breaks loose.
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Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 7:46 pm
crying No one has said anything about mine. I lnow it is written fan-fic style, but I'd still like someone to tell me what they think.
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