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So...so...tired. Am going to a play tonight. Will have fun. If I can stay awake.

David and I still aren't talking. That's fine by me, I suppose. All things considered, I wouldn't talk to me either, were I him. And after what he heard...*sigh*.

He allegedly heard that I said he has a cute butt. Both accounts are true, not that he would know that without confirming it. Which makes me wonder why he hasn't confronted me about it. *sigh* I'm tired of avoiding truth and selecting truth, of misunderstandings and misquotes. Damn it all, but I'm so tired.

But...I felt powerful today. Somehow, just...truly strong. Unbound and free and wild. And powerful. But so, so tired.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Wait, Lion.... You totally got me wrong on that one. Let me explain.

I was really tired. I'm afraid that...well. Nothing to fear, I suppose.... But certainly not self-hating.

And while we're on the topic of butts, mine is getting into shape. I guess I really did have a cute butt hidden all these years. Imagine that. Though the bubble butt is a common misconception of the perfect butt. True, it is the most obvious component of butt-cuteness, but not the only one. A good butt also has lift--the bubble shouldn't sag--and what truly separates a great butt from a good one is what I call the "push". You know, that little "umph" in the rear (think J-Lo). A truly great butt looks good even in the most ill-fitting pants.

[/butt commentary]

That little twinge of regret, even though I know what happened was inevitable, is in itself inevitable. By my nature--and I should say by human nature--we seek the ideal of social situations, and when we don't get it, no matter how ready we are for it,we still feel that tiny pull of the heart string. Like Miss Miyazawa, I say "There's no helping it," with only a single strand of regret--the regret that the situation cannot be any better.

We still aren't talking. I shouldn't be surprised, but...I am, just a little bit. A little hurt, a little sad. Like cool, silken threads of feeling, they pass through my hands, felt and touched, but not grasped, and like grains of sand, fall through my fingers, leaving perfect traces of melancholy etched into my palm. Like the passing of a shower, I am left with a heavy clarity of spirit, the alleviation of doubt and fear, and...something else. Something wonderful.

From all this heartache, I found true emotion, and held on to it. My feelings, released, formed a sort of rainbow on their own. Who knew that when the sand had fallen, they would become pearls, each strung together into a flawless piece of my heart? Who knew that I would reach into the rainbow and find the ink to write again, more vivid and colorful than ever? Who knew that the children of the desert and the storm could hold such beauty inside? Who knew that anger and sorrow could hold the gifts of art and song?

Am I sad that we aren't talking? Hell, yes. Who wouldn't be? But am I sad that I was true to myself, and followed that truth to its end? No. I can't be--inevitability has a certain...definitive quality. Do I hate him? No. I could never hate him. Am I annoyed? Maybe a little.

You know, Lion, I shivered when I got to the "instinct" part. Part of that power was sheer instinct, and there can be no doubting that. But...maybe you're right. Maybe I should let loose a little. I did today, to disastrous consequences--well, hilarious consequences anyway!--and I'm going to a party tonight, and you'd better believe I'm going to flirt to make every she-wolf in history proud.

I'm glad you're doing better, and cheers!

Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple

As have I.

And I truly played the fool tonight.

You see, the party was awesome. I met some people, got to know many more a little bit better, had a deep conversation and serious bonding with a few. Some dressed as drag queens, others as TV characters--one of my friends was Ms. Swan from MadTV--others as vampires and faeries, and totally cute witches. There was plenty of food, but I wasn't really hungry for food.

For the first hour or so, I fawned over this way cute gay guy, Will (a different Will), and this cute gay freshman, Stewie. But that got tiring, and I spent most of my time with Michelle and Sherise--aka Witch and Ms. Swan--but I somehow started talking with Sarah. She's way cool, and totally mellow, and that's when I met him. Tim.

Oh, Tommy, you should have seen him! He wasn't cute in the typical sense, but he had an honesty to him that...that brought up an honesty in me that I had forgotten. He and Charlotte--the fairy--and I all ended up talking about everything for hours. Remember how I said I hadn't felt so good in a long time after flirting today? Well, I haven't felt so at ease in a long time. Charlotte was almost right in saying it was a near perfect moment--it truly was a perfect moment. Someone snapped photos of us holding hands and talking about god and the church, love and human goodness, what it means to be human, and to have a sexuality, about ourselves and each other and everything. I haven't felt so...connected in a long time. Tears of relief are raised in my eyes as I type this, tears of a hope I would not allow to grow--perhaps...perhaps there could be something more than what we are. Oh, how my heart swells with the thought!

As it went on, his eyes became more and more magical. As if with the layers of awkwardness and mystery being stripped away from him, he became more and more beautiful to behold. I could feel his heartbeat in his hand. My sense had come back, Tommy--I can still feel it now, seriously.

I swear, I almost kissed him a dozen times. But I didn't. I let my reticence and my...well, my cowardice come between us. I...I know he would have kissed me back. I felt it as surely as our heartbeats in our palms. I love the honesty in his eyes. Something I see in him is reflected in myself, and a dozen times, it almost surfaced. But...I'm a coward. Plain and simple. I couldn't bring myself to chance myself, to bring my lips to his.

We were hugging--the three of us--and I kissed her cheek and his neck--he's substantially taller than me--and he said it tingled. I apologized and he said, no--that it was a good tingle.

Can you give a bigger hint? Sometimes I think I need a giant neon sign that says KISS ME with arrows pointing towards the person to get it through my head. I mean.... I'm smart, quick, witty, open, honest, kind....

But I'm a coward and a fool. I don't...I don't deserve him.

And you know? I guess I should feel powerful, or happy, because I was flirted with a lot, subtly and not-so-subtly (remember the Witch?), but...without him it all feels a little pointless, doesn't it? If I can't bring myself to chance hurt, then I truly don't deserve him.

So that's it. From now on, I'm going to "act on my instincts" about these things, accept what comes, even if I don't understand it, and then struggle to understand it. Maybe...maybe that will be enough. Just a dash of courage and a dab of strength. And hope....

And...I hope I see him again. And if I do, I'm going to kiss him. Watch me.

Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple

Oh, Tommy, I needed that. Thanks, babe--you always know just what to say.
-LD

Ok. So I've been working at GoodWill for like 9 months now... My contract is up next week some time, and recently everyones favorite manager Jackie was fired because of a "corporate restructuring" after 13 years of working for the corporation.

Tonight, a group of us from work, plus Jackie, got together at East Side Mario's. Charles and his boyfriend Shaun set the whole thing up, everyone chipped in and got Jackie some gifts, and she was so happy. It was so nice to see her again, after almost of month of no Jackie.

So everyone, that meaning Charles and Shaun, Janet and Jafe, Jackie, Barbie, Bob, Kortney and Ashley, Justin, and I, sat, ate, had a few drinks, and talked about good times, and hopes and the future. It was lovely. I haven't had that much fun in a while. I love everyone, and I almost cried several times. There will eventually be pictures. Bob took a bunch, and he and I speak online. So its not like the whole group of us won't see each other anymore. I mean, most of them still work together. Still, I wish more of my co-workers would have had the respect to come out and say goodbye to Jackie. But everyone who needed to be there was there, as Charles so eloquently put it. The ones who mattered made it out. Still, it felt like the breaking of a great fellowship, and its sad that I won't see half of them again. Especially Jackie, who is taking off to Florida tomorrow/this morning.

But I had this amazing drink called a Coco Crush (which Janet misheard as "coco crotch" and quickly started to call me) that all the ladies agreed was amazing. It was Bacardi Coco, Banana Liqueur, Blue Curacao, and pineapple juice. It was... Just amazing. I loved it. I think I may have to create a character based around how amazing that drink was. I'm definitely naming someone after it.
So my new nickname (until I stop working at GoodWill) will be Coco Crotch, and even Bob was calling me that. I shall have to explain this to Tim, who started working after Jackie left and had no obligation to be there, and who looks like a viking, and just plain is awesome. He and I are going to be jamming as musicians together even after I leave, because I'm learning electric bass, and he plays guitar. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of my new name. Which makes sense in correlation with my natural hair color. (Think, coco, brown.) I'll start using it all over the place now. Just to keep the memory of my friendship with Janet alive.

I meant Janet. She works all the time, and I won't be working with her anymore.
I want to keep the memory of Jackie alive, but she's done enough that I don't think I could ever forget her anyways. In fact, I won't soon forget any of them, to be honest.
As for a virgin Coco Crush, you could always do coconut milk, banana flavoring, pineapple juice, and Laraha juice. With blue food coloring, because its gotta be blue.

Well, been pretty busy with having fun. It feels really wierd saying that considering the amount of mental strain my poor little mind has been under these past few months.

Went to two parties this weekend, one Friday and one last night and learned that it takes a hell of a lot of alcohol to get me tipsy, oh, and that Bailies is by far the best booze I've ever tasted, two friends and I drained a 40 of Balies on Friday, we needed the liquid courage for what we were doing... Last night wasn't bad, half a bottle of sour apple, two coolers and some raspberry liquor made time pass really slowly, and never again show I be allowed to dance, ever. I forbid myself from dancing ever again, I wasn't even drunk, man I wish I was, I hate remembering things, haha.

I want to talk about Friday's party because well, it was my first time... playing Ouija. And let me tell you, I don't believe in God, Satan, spirits or any of that hooha, but I know for a fact that no one was moving that panchet... especially when I saw it shoot across the board when everyone started getting freaked out and no one was touching it. I have to give it to my sisters friends, who are all younger than I am and mostly girls, they got some courage. I don't know if Ray Durter means anything to anybody, but I feel sorry for the poor guy, aving 3 kids and being murdered along with his wife. That was the spirit we talked to, one of the girls who was playing along with us reminded him of his wife and only answered the questions she would ask him... then...

We met his brother, the one who killed Ray out of spite because he was hopelessly obsessed with Ray's wife. Now, sadly I don't like people who do bad things to other people for entirely selfish gain, and that apparently transfers over to dead people who have done entirely selfish deeds. So yeah, I got into a huge argument with this ghost who said he was going to possess my best friend and stab me in the night. So needless to say I didn't get much sleep friday night/Saturday morning. Nothing happened, I was never harmed, a lot of people were pretty scared out of their wits when the spirit wouldn't let us say Goodbye. there was a point when I didn't really want to do it anymore, I was more or less screaming in rage at the brother of Ray who never identified himself and when I finally ran out of things to say my pointing arm when frost cold and my candle extinguished. It was pretty scary, and I'll be one to admit that yes, I was freaked out by it.

I still don't know if I believe in ghosts or spirits, wierd huh? After what I saw and felt it kind of seems manditory now, but I don't really. I can't see how the game is rigged, because it took me a long time to get people even playing the game, so I doubt anyone was moving the shotglass panchet.

Definitely looking forward to doing it again, hopefully this week on Halloween my friends and I will be able to commandere a theatre and find a few spirits! I think by far that Ouija is my favourite game of all time.

the Lion