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 Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 5:35 pm
Doesn't seem to subconscious to me, Cari, and it shouldn't be. Hold on to them as long as you can, but remember that there will come a time when you have to let go. And know that...letting go is one of those things that is best done gracefully, with perfect timing.
And I love dancing. But I'm pretty awful. Huh...I guess that's just the story of my life.
---
You know, I can sum up the last week in a short story.
---
I'm outside at lunch, reading a book. The heavy, late Spring air is warm and the breeze is cool; it creates an odd sensation, much like the sunlight dappling through the leaves and dancing on the pages. I smile at the simplicity.
"Hey," I hear. It's Cat. I look up, wondering at the tone. I can't put my finger on it. "Hi." I reply, and ask her how she is. She smiles and laughs and we start to talk about exams. I smile gently. This is the Cat I remember.
"What?" She says, brow furrowed. It makes her look so much older, but somehow it looks right on her. I didn't realize that I had said it out loud. "Nothing, hon," I said with the strangest tone. And I felt it again. That tug at my heartstrings. My sweetness and my sorrow. My regret and my nostalgia. My memory and my hope. I feel like right now, all of my feelings are like bubbles in amber, kept forever in this golden moment. But it passed, the way honey drips slowly from the spoon, reluctant to leave, but willing to sweeten anything it touches.
As Jen comes over, I give her a hug, and Cat, too. Then, with a little sigh, I pick up my book again, and fall into another perfect day.
---
Love and Vale,
-Andrew
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Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 6:45 pm
You know, I keep some of my older messages for reference. I enjoy rereading them, my replies and theirs. I like feeling the old passions tug at my heartstrings. I like remembering my youthful foolishnesses, and watch my blossoming purpose unfold. Do you remember Kiyome, Lion? I have many of hers and mine saved. And many of ours, too. I think I have some from Tommy and Maggie and KiyoKyo, too. It does me good, rereading these old missives. I feel as if sometimes my past is both a measure for my present and a sieve for my goodnesses. But mostly, like my previous post says, mostly I see my past as the past. Perhaps some moments capture strong feelings, but I believe that now, I am willing to set it aside.
So. Let's live for us now. For the sum of us, and the purest of our dreams.
-Andrew
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Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 9:03 pm
so how many of you have seen Iron Man? It's awesome... lol
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 12:17 am
So tell me if any of you have ever felt this way.
I feel like I am so abysmally lonely, like I just need someone in person to talk to, let it all out, cry and then perhaps snuggle and hug. (Nothing sexual.)
Then the independent human inside me cringes at my weakness. I feel I should be stronger.
My mind is in a constant battle between these two feelings.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 2:07 pm
Crystal, I think everyone feels that way. They just don't show it or admit to it. I kind of feel like that now. My ex-boyfriend was that person and when he broke up with me, he's the one I wanted to call to cry to. Yet not because he would feel like s**t and I didn't want him to think I was weak.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 3:15 pm
I'm constantly stuck between the willful independent and the willing interdependent. *sigh* No one ever listens.
Muse, all; you can do is try to make friends with whoever is around, rtely on us, your friends on gaia to be a safety net for you when you feel like you're going crazy, and as hard as it will sound, you've got to be strong too. I won't pretend that it's an easy line to walk. It isn't. But half the problem is remembering just that.
We're here for you, if you want us.
-Leavy-Kun/Andrew
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Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 5:59 am
 Well, here is the newest member of my family, no, he isn't mine, he's my cousins. Drew, return heart to normal beating, hah. Sorry I haven't been on lately, been poking my head in but not enough time to post. Today is an off day, going down to the city to pick up items for my Desert Punk costume for Anime North that in TWO WEEKS! W00tz0rz! I'll be doing random interviews and whatnot, so during june check out Justinatanimenorth on youtube for full coverage of the weekend event. Don't bother going now, the channel hasn't even been set up sweatdrop . As for Muse's dilemma, nothing you can really do about it. Except of course for befriending a very friendly gay man whose willing to do all those things with you, cause let's face it, straight guys expect a relationship to go somewhere. I know how you feel though, for me it was like when I was with her, I was able to pour out my extra little energies into someone who just couldn't absorb enough of them. Then it was gone all of a sudden and it felt like that energy just built up with no where to go. Ignoring it was brutal, because she still wanted to be friends. I never found out how to deal with it, since we got back together and now are going on five and a half years. Anywho, I must shower and eat, got that trips to adventure on to in a little bit. the Lion
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Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 4:12 pm
And I would be that 'very friendly' gay man, were geography and the laws of physics not so cruel!
How did you pin me down so well, Justin? I was caught between pleasure at the thought of you as a father and annoyance at the thought that you didn't tell me. I was plotting on how best to torture you, but keep you alive, so that I could feel vindicated. I decided: another sermon on Love should just about do it. But seeing as how you aren't in fact the father [and the high probability that another mention of the "L" word (<--not lesbian) might just do you in], a simple "Aww!" will have to suffice.
Aww!
-Andrew
P.S. Post more! I miss you!
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Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 8:42 pm
Let's merely leave it that even though I'm only 21, I'm far older inside and wiser than most who are old on the outside. That and it isn't like you're a very difficult novel to read, I wouldn't say I'm at the end, just close enough to it.
I will try, and probably WILL post more, since I am trying my damnedest to build a Desert Punk costume in 10 days, so I will probably be hounding folks for advice and fishing for compliments. Because even the great Justin loves compliments.
I will say this though, my feet are killing me, spent my day with my best friend moseying around Toronto looking for Army Surplus stores. I finally found what I was looking for, it isn't a for sure, 100% Desert Punk tactical vest, but it sure will do just fine, thanksamuch. And I bought Heroes Reborn, a compendium of Iron Man comics which is currently rocking my eyeballs pretty hardcore. But in the mean while, I need sleep for gardening tomorrow and then my other best friend's rugby game is at 3PM, so yeah, need mah sleepies.
Night everyone.
the Lion
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Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 8:00 pm
I know how you feel about having a older mind, Lion. I'm sixteen, in classes with 18 year olds and most of my friends are 18, a few younger, and some older. It's really annoying being the one who is like no we can't go see the R rated movie because I can't get in.
I had the strange experience of someone trying to defend my honor today. Jason, I hope it's because he likes me too, gets angry if someone insults me. Something I just brush off and don't care about he started getting pissed. Like Adam kept insulting me saying you suck and other junk, and Jason got angry and tried to hit him with the tennis ball because we were playing tennis against him and Nick, another of our friends. Then today Cliff and Sean were being asses. Cliff went I think her nipples are showing then Sean said no I think thats just the seem to her bra. I ran to cover up even though there was nothing showing. Jason was kinda pissed and commented that Cliff was being an a** and told Sean off.
Then after school, I was hanging out with Matt, Cliff, Chelsey, and Erin. Matt and I were flirting a lot. Is it wrong to lead on two guys? They are both really good friends and it would suck if anything happend to our friendship. Like I think I would choose Matt over Jason, but Matt is leaving to go to college after the summer. Jason is in the same grade as me, kind of half senior half junior, because we still have one more year.
Time shall reveal all, but having the pacients to wait is difficult.
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:09 pm
I wouldn't say leading two guys on is a bad thing, it borders on callous in my opinion. After all, guys intentions are pretty one way, so really it isn't a terrible thing.
Sucks about the movie thing, being 21 I've more or less forgot that movies even had ratings, hahaha. I can relate on the other side of the fence. A bunch of my friends are younger and can't do some of the stuff that my other friends and I do, like club and hit the bars and drink legally. Ah well, give it time, that's what we have to do.
On a different note, ANIME NORTH IS IN 8 DAYS! WOOOH! And today I bought my new camcorder, it even has night vision, which rocks some serious a**. I can record with it for nearly an entire day on low quality, which I will add looks better than my digital camera's GOOD quality.
Also, my Desert Punk Costume is coming along very well. I have the army vest, the pants, the bandana, the shirt, the boots. All I need now is my 2nd mother's help with the cape and then I gotta build my plastic shotgun! Woot.
So yeah, gonna be a busy week next week, then on friday I'll be heading down to A-North! YIPPEEEE!
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:48 pm
Uhm.... Most of my [close] friends are between a few years and a few decades older than me. *sigh* Even if I am an "old soul" some of them can put me to shame. It's odd. Sometimes I feel so sage, and many of my younger friends look up to me in admiration of my strength and the like. Many of my peers respect me not only who I am, but also the advice that I find myself doling out. Some of my older friends seem mystified occasionally--as last night--when I can sum up a complicated situation clearly and cut to the heart of the matter. Perhaps my most universal appeal is always being able to express my feelings clearly with my words and my actions.
But there is a price to be paid here, too. I often find myself struggling between who I am and what I must be, a subject I am quite sure all of you are very tired of hearing. My insight often conflicts with a strange drive to do what pleases me, and my feelings often seem to contradict themselves, bending over one another as if there is not enough room in my heart for all of them to exist. One moment, I can be in simple contemplation and be stung by a sorrow long past just as joy for today gleams in me. I find that these emotions, even as complex and potent as they already are, pale in comparison to the overwhelmingly alien feelings that are born when they collide.
It's like spiciness and sweetness blend, and a new flavor is born. But more, it is like adding a sour-edged bittersweetness too. Not only is there simply more for the tongue to process, but the tastes amplify one another at the same time as they fight for dominance over the mouth. It is, in so many words, like salsa with lime--just when you think it can't get better, it does.
To think that this time last year I had thought my studies of Love completed! Oh, how arrogant I was! To think that these incredibly convoluted feelings could become ever sharper and more refined--! It is nothing short of sheer anticipation that rides my soul at the thought, for it is clear of lingering hopes or doubts or fears because I know it must come. There is no chance in this, no fortune. Only fate. Destiny.
I will be what I was meant to be--mark my words.
Love and Vale,
~Andrew
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Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 6:47 am
Drew, you've been reading far too many fantasy books. Fools, and not those who mimic the Fool, believe in destiny. Intelligent people design their own future and set bulwarks against opposing forces.
You might not be entirely foolish, but don't think being intelligent is at all the best option either. Even those smart, knowledgeable thinkers can and normally do become trapped within their safe walls. Also, destiny is one such wall, such a bulwark, but the foolish are trapped much easier.
A comfortable medium, that's my motto.
the Lion
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Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:30 am
I'll say this and try not to get in the way. Be yourself, don't let people tell you that you should be this way or that way just to make it through in life. If you knew me during HS and then look at how I am now, you'd be surprised. I used to be less open, more to myself, but I started working, boy, what a change. Everyone has noticed it, even my co-workers, some situations bring out the best in everyone some bring out the worst, trying to figure it all out in a matter of seconds is insane, it takes time to figure these things out.
Well for now, I'll close with my excitement, not really right now since I have to be to work in like half an hour, but I'll be 21 in just under 2 weeks... can't wait. xd
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Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 1:11 pm
Did today suck for anyone else, too? It rained here, I had three tests in different classes. I didn't get to hang out with anyone because there was no late bus, I had no free periods today because I was making up work from yesterday.
We went to go see don Quijote for my spanish class. Only 8 girls went. No boys, it was horrible. Then the play sucked, and I couldn't understand any of it because I couldn't hear and I would only understand half at best because it was in spanish. I wore flip flops today too, so when I was walking out to Jason's car to go home my feet got soaked, so I was chivering the entire way home.
At least I think I did well on the tests. I know I did extremely well on the Physics one. I got an 110, only two people got the bonus right and only one person got a perfect score. Of course when that happens the teacher just has to anounce your superiority to the rest of the class. Jason was embarrased by it I think. People kept pointing out that I beat him and was smarter it was horrible. Would you want to ask a girl out who is better than you in everything? I don't think so. It's like a major testosterone thing. They say acting stupid is wrong, but I think I should act normal and not the genius.
edit: I forgot to say that Jason was the other person who got the bonus right. So not only did I beat him, I took away his title as the only one who got the bonus right because he took it yesterday. Plus it is at the thing he is good at. He won the state science olympiad competition in the electric circuts, which is the topid in Physics.
You know how they say "You're my lover not my rival." I think its the other way with me and him. Sad, but true.
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