Welcome to Gaia! ::

Not to be more negative/critical/realistic than I already am, but why can't people just let others be sad? Missing out isn't just a one way street that simple, heart broken folk try and drive backwards on.

Everyone likes to help, everyone likes to say they're sorry, its like a backwards, forced emotional reaction. It makes them feel normal, more sympathetic, human if you want to push boundaries. The old adage, let sleeping dogs lie, fits well with any situation that doesn't accord any moral obligational stress. Sympathy is like cancer, you can't fully appreciate the pain until you face it. The problem with that philosophy is that once a person gets cancer, they often feel obliged to help others similar to them.

I feel bad too, I know the feeling pretty good. Like Muse said, if he doesn't want to be with you, that's his choice, there's very little you can do about it. Square with it, that's all you can do, good luck with it.

As for Drew and his, yet another, long as hell post, I'll wait for the movie. Just kidding, I may get to that later.

the Lion

I thought about it and remembered my thoughts at the beginning. I realized that he was my best friend not really my boyfriend. He told me he loved me, so I said it back. It seems like a horrible thing to do, but it worked and we are alright now. I am the one who got hurt a little, not him, so I'm happy with that. We are friends again, I talked to him last night after karate and it was like before we went out, as if it never happened. It did though, so we may be closer for it. In the end I think it was nessesary, so I wouldn't feel guilty for liking other guys when I knew he liked me.

I've done terrible things.

In the past, I've lied, become violent, and let my anger get the better of me. These things have all been purged from me one by one. I've been forceful, clingy, and overly flirtatious. And one by one, these things have been buffed out. My anger has become resolve, my forcefulness, strength. My attachment has become more subtle, as has my flirtations. All of me has become more honest, and my tendency towards violence has been replaced by a passionate appeal to peace, patience, and perseverance.

Somehow, I had believed that if I removed these things from myself, they would simply cease. I realize now as I type this, I've ever forgotten the old arrogance, and the developing ambition. Don't you see? These things keep reappearing, if the times are fewer and farther between. Perhaps like weeds, if you cut them back enough, they simply give up.

But, no, these things linger over me like a shadow, and refuse to give up dominion over my life. My heart rejects them fiercely, because it can see a day when they too, fade into the past forever, or else are shone away in tomorrow's light. But not everyone is willing to (or can?) see that--many don't want to, and I can't really blame them. It's hard to look at someone the same after...they've seen such a side of them.

You're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about, right?

Do you remember Jay? The boy I toyed with in math? Well, I decided I wanted to really get to know him. I think this is the only place I ever really mentioned that he could have grown to have meant something to me. He had the spark, you see. But I flirted with him, often cruelly, although at the time I didn't see it that way. That girl who looked at me should have been my sign, but I was blinded by my own twisted drive for awkwardness.

I repented, but it wasn't enough. The damage had been done. And just as I had to pay for my lies and my vengeances and all of my cruelties, I had to reap what I sowed. So I called him and asked him to hang out this weekend. He said he didn't think he could, and very calmly, I said "Just say no." And he did. "No." It was as if for the first time, I had ever heard him speak, but I also heard something else in that voice. Finality. "No." He said, and a door had shut. I was lifted up and let down at once. I said, "See? A spine is a good thing." I chuckled, and he asked me what I had said. His voice lost its ring, which was fine. "A spine? You know, like vertebrae?" He said uh-huh. I said I'd see him tomorrow, and hung up. I didn't think that was fair of me, but I wasn't thinking about playing fair. I was only honest...wasn't I?

But I thought about it. I tossed it around in my mind, and took a lesson to heart. He had said no because of the way I presented myself. Even though I was honest, he could never know the real me, not that way. It all began to make sense--why the flirtation was unhealthy, why it had all happened the way it had. Clarity came to me, and I realized:

I deserve this pain.

And I let it fill me. A little at first, then more and more. I didn't let any escape as tears or screams. I did let some go as sighs, and the physical ache that started in my chest and moved to my gut and my throat squeezed me tight. But still, I added to the pain. I let myself feel the fullness of the pain, the hurt and the rejection, the loss and the guilt. And when I had held fully the pain that this had caused me, I let it go. I heaved a deep sigh, and began to soothe myself. I stared at the ground until I was sure that I could see the very energy of the earth itself move, and I let my pain slip away through my eyes. I listened to the final birdsongs of the day, and the rustling of leaves that squirrels and lizards and cats bring, and let it out with my ears as I took in the beauty of the day. I smelled the orchid tree's blossoms and breathed the sweet fragrance in deep, and washed the bitterness from my throat with it. Finally, I opened myself to the winds and the air, and felt the breeze gently caressing my skin. I let it massage away the ache from my body, but a twinge was left in my soul. I looked to the setting sun, and the darkening sky, and for a moment, I thought nothing at all. Then I went inside.

I think that might have been the fullest grounding I've ever consciously done. But at the time, I was simply letting go of the chaff and keeping the grain, as it were. I drank deeply into my heart the lessons this provided me. I reaffirmed my heart to becoming better, for a tomorrow that might always hold yesterday's shadow. But I made a note in my heart that I would not be like this anymore. I am better than this. I know that without a doubt.

So...why do I feel so badly? Like...I've overlooked something?

Love and Vale,
~The Ghost of Drew (Masq)/Andrew

So I finally got my highlights done and heres some pics



yeah, kinda nerdy looking... gonk

lol... yeah, it's part of the thing i have, gives people a long face.

Ah yes... heres what it says since you can't really tell.

Room Rulez
Authorized personnel only
beyond this point.

Do not panic.
Excessive sound levels or odors
emanating from this room
are not life threatening

Do not touch anything
Messiness is a sign of genius
tidying up could impact negatively on
my mental development

Respect the 3 M's
My Room, My Space, My Business.

Hours of operations:
Never before noon.

Cash donations welcome.

rofl rofl

i picked it up at a music store I've seen it at other stores as well.

Sir, yes SIR! *Salute*