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 Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:12 pm
ROFL Statris! (Ouch!!)
xp
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Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:16 pm
Popi-Sita Chan We adopted a family through the salvation army at work, and it was my project, so I got to go out and do all the shopping and wrapping and stuff. Anyway, the paper they sent me had the kids' names on it: Barbara and Blanch. I figured, Blanch is a pretty old name, and I was interested to see what sort of people would choose that name (not to mention I think it's a kinda ugly name. It's the sound you make when you puke) But dutifully, I wrote their names on their presents and dropped them off. When I get there, their mother introduces me to her two infant daughters, Barbara and BLANCA!!! They wrote the name wrong on the slip, so this poor little girl is getting Blanch's presents sad But this story has a happy ending, because I brought extra wrapping paper, so we rewraped her gifts and put the right name on them smile Hmm, probably it wasn't originally written incorrectly. Probably it was hand written quickly, so that the "A" at the end of Blanca did not close at the top, making it look like an "H", and it is actually a more common name (although not sure if it is usually spelled that way or not, maybe with a final "E"?), so that's how the mistake was probably made, somewhere along the line, and just passed along to you.
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 6:31 am
Well folks, tis the season for family and fun! and in my case recounting things gone past that happened to cousins, aunts, uncles, and what not.... now, keep in mind, my family (my dad's of the family at least) is INSANE!! yes folks, it's gentic! sooo, here i am, driving the four hours it takes me to get to where the rest of the clan is gathering, and i'm stuck alone with my father.... i'm amazed i survived.... anyway, that's not the point... the point is that he gave quite a bit of good material which i want to share with the rest of you! blaugh so sit back, relax, and enjoy the series of little family tales that are about to spew forth!
Note: for the poster's protection, all names have been changed, thank you
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 6:35 am
KITTY GO NIGHT NIGHT
My cousin M was maybe two or three when she had this happened. she was holding a glass baby bottle in one hand and had her cat in her other arm when her dad told her it was time to go Night Night. she looked at the cat and said "kitty go night night." well, the cat sqirmed, trying to get away from her. so, she said "kitty go night night." the cat sqirmed some more. "Kitty go NIGHT NIGHT!" the cat sctratched her in an attempt to get away. "KITTY GO NIGHT NIGHT! stressed " she said as she bonked the cat on the head with her bottle. Kitty's eyes rolled back and his tongue hung out to the side and Kitty went night night...
all you cat lovers will be happy to know that the kitty was fine, though a bit retarded, after that. of course, whenever M said "kitty go night night" you can bet, Kitty went night night
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 6:41 am
Wake Up Call
L (my father) has about five brothers.... that's all you need to know to understand this story... well that and this was way back when L was still a teen.... you know, the prehistoric days blaugh
anyway, L's mom told him to wake up his brother, J. so, being afraid of his mom like any smart boy, L went to wake up J... except when he got to J's room, he saw that J was sleeping on his bed and that his feet were sticking out from under the blankets.... now, L could have just woken him up... but where would the fun in that have been? instead, L took J's ankles, one in each hand, with the toes sticking straight up, and spread his arms as wide as he could... then slammed them together, hitting J's ankles together! J shot up like a rocket, he was awake! as L raced out of the room laughing, J jumpped out of bed.... and then remembered his feet hurt and came crashing down to the floor.... meanwhile, L was dashing across the street trying not to get killed...
no, i never said that L was smart... and to this day, he STILL isn't
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 6:44 am
Revenge
it's L and J again! L always hated country music... and J loved it... that's all you need to know to understand this story...
it was summer and the only ones home were J and L. well, L was sleeping when J decided he'd pop in his country a-track(?). he turned the volume up full blast and had the music blaring through the house. this, of course, woke up L. well, L got out of bed, wearing only his underwear, walked into the livingroom where J was, took out the record, walk over to the door, opened and flung that thing across the yard and into the neighbor's property, slammed the door shut and went back to bed. J never DID find his a-track agian....
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 6:51 am
Angry Apperentice
this is a bit more recent... Where L works, the newer emploees are apprenticed to workers who've been there longer so that they can learn what's going on. basically what L does is repair machines that break down. well, the guy that L works with, A, had a lady apprentince, D. A never liked the thought of women working in their line of business, and he was extremely cranky at times, but with plenty of warning, D managed to win him over and they became fairly decent friends. now, one of the machines broke down and, as usual, L and A let D take care of it, that was how they did things, the let the apprentince have a go at the problem and fix it unless they needed help. well, L and A were talking in the break room when D came in and told them what all was going on, then she left. L and A thought that she was just keeping them up to day. about fifteen minutes later, she stormed back in and snapped "that's it! i can't deal with this anymoe! i'm taking a break!" she stormed back out of the room, slamming the door behind her. L looked at A and said "i think she was asking for help...." so the two men went out and fixed the problem. when they came back to the break room, D was sitting at the table. A peeked around the corner to make sure it was safe while L walk a little bit into the room, holding two screwdrivers in front of him like a cross and asked timidly "is it safe to come in?" seeing them looking so terrified, D burst out into laughter....
Moral of the story, pay closer attention
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 7:00 am
First 4th of July
ever since i was little, L has been putting on a fireworks show for our family for the 4th of July. he's become known as "Uncle Rocket" but Uncle Rocket wasn't always the pro he is today.... usually we have these displays at my grandmother's house, since she lives out in a countryish area and had a huge yard. well, N (another of L's brothers) lived right next door to Grandma, and usually had a huge bonfire going during the fireworks. it was the first year that L had tried doing this, and he had one of those sixteen shot firework thingies, where each barrel is wired to the next one inside the package and you light the fuse outside it, a domino effect basically. well, L lit it and only three went off.... figuring that he could get to the remaining thirteen to go and get his money's worth, he took off the wraping to find the fuse inside. he found it and lit it.... only two went off.... figuring it was a dud, he turned and sarted to walk away when suddenly, one of the little rockets shot past his ear, only an inch away. well, my dad's a big guy but he discovered a speed he didn't know he had that day as he ducked his head down and raced away from the fireworks, all the while the remaining ten rounds shooting past him. with his head down and his only concern not getting hit, he didn't stop until someone called out his name... and when he looked up he was about six inches from the huge bonfire....
L told me, quite proudly, that half the fun of the fireworks show was seeing who would nearly get killed this year blaugh
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 7:12 am
Holy McDonald's
this isn't really funny but the timing was way too perfect not to share.
about a year or so ago, my grandmother came to visit us way down south (yeah right), and when it was time for her to go home, my dad took her and i went with. as much as i complain, these trips to where my grandmother lives and back home (a 4 hour drive one way mind you) are pretty much the only time my dad and i really talk (for my own sanity) which is why i went with him this one time. during the drive up there, my dad visited with my grandma some more. because it was such a long drive, we decided to stay the night in a hotel room and head back home the next morning. well, we were so exhausted by the time we got to the room that we just passed right out, despite it being only 6 in the afternoon. because of this we were both up around the same time, 4 or 5, the next morning. deciding that since we were up we might as we as well get going, my dad started packing and i opened the curtain. the world was blanketed with fog, all i could see was the M for Mcdonalds glowing in the distance, seeming to float like a sign in the mist. My dad saw it as well. i said "McDonalds!" just before he said, "Hallijah! Hllijah" and a split second later music started playing as the alarm that we had set before going to bed clicked on...
neither he nor i have ever looked at a McDonalds the same again
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 7:14 am
well folks, i have to go, but don't worry... there's more to come... afterall, that was all just told on the drive here... i've yet to visit with my many uncles and cousins....
Coming soon
The Legend of the Black Toe
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Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 1:46 am
The Perks of a Deaf Daughter
Sissy C, i don't know if i've stated this enough, is deaf and has always been deaf, or at least that we know of. now, because my parents were actually SMART and DIDN'T listen to the jerk of a doctor who told them she'd only learn to speak if they never signed, they learned ASL and taught it to her and through her, i learned it.... wait... i'm getting off topic here... sorry folks, pet peeve >.< ANYWHOO!
when C was about 4 or 5, i was just a baby still at the time, Mom and Dad took us out to a nice restraunt. now, when you see a couple come in with two babies, you immedately think "oh god, there goes my peace and quiet... brink on the crying and yelling and screaming stressed " well, that's what we think and that's what the only other customers in the restraunt at the time thought. they were two elderly men, about retired age, and when they saw my parents and i walk in and then get seated near them, they were prepared for the worst.... and shocked when the meal went by quietly and without disturbance. i was a happyily kept busy baby and C, who like Dad had her back to them, was very well behaved. well, since they had been there longer than us, they were, naturally, ready to go before us. Mom had taken me to the bathroom to clean up (hey i was just a baby!) when the gentlemen came over to our table and told Dad how amazed they were at how quiet C and i were. we were so well behaved! they congratulated him on how well he was bring us up and left.... Dad never did have the heart to tell them he had been arguing with C through sign language the entire time we were there.
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Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 1:56 am
Spagetti Tug of War
Yes, another story about L and J when they were still kids....
L and J's mother had made spagetti for dinner one night and L couldn't help noticing that whenever J ate it, he would take one noodle, and slurp it up, sucking it into his mouth causing a looong string of spagetti shooting up toward his mouth. now, as he did this, and as L was watching him, when one of the strings of spagtti was only an inch from being totally in J's mouth, L reached out and grabbed it. L still doesn't know why. well, J kept sucking and L started to pull. out came this long string of spagetti, bone dry of any sauce. J kept sucking even as L kept pulling until he had nearly the entire thing out of J's mouth, and the entire thing was clean of sauce. well, he finally got it out, and it hung suspended bout half an inch from J's mouth, flapping in mid air as he kept sucking...
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Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 2:17 am
Due to the nature of the Legend of the Black Toe, though i feel compelled to share it, i also feel that in doing so part of the magic that goes with it will be lost.... (In other words i'm too lazy to type it all right now but trust me, it is hilarious... ) so bearing that in mind, it shall be a story told on another day. now, in the spirt of christmas i would like to finish off my rambling of storys with a song i happened to see on tv and felt that everyone should know to fully apprciate this song, you must first understand the joke. there was a comedian, i can't remember who since i heard his act by accident and if anyone knows please tell me, who part of his punchline was that stupid people should wear signs that labled them as stupid, to make life easier on everyone else. one of the things he said to empasize this was "well, we were driving when we got a flat tire. i pulled over into a gas station and the attendant there took one look at the car then looked at me and asked "got a flat tire?" i answered, "No, the heat just tottally deflated the tire," to which he replied, "Yup... hate it when than happens.".... Here's your sign." bearing that in mind..... Quote: Here's Your Sign ChristmasArtist Bill Engval Lyrics: I took my son to the mal the other day to see Santa Claus The woman in line behind me says "hey is that Santa Claus up there"? I said "no ma'm, it's Kenny Rodgers stunt double" Here's your sign (Chorus) Here's your sign, here's your sign, here's your stupid sign You acted dumb, so have some fun and wear your stupid sign Oh! here's your sign, here's your sign, here's your stupid sign You lost your mind, so pay the fine and wear your stupid sign I hung those little Christmas lights on my house, you know the kind that blink on and off. My neighbour comes over and says "Bill, how do you get those to blink on and off like that"? I said, "I've got my son inside plugging and unplugging it, plugging and unplugging it." Here's your sign I took my family to buy a Christmas tree the other night When we walked onto the lot this guy walked up to me and says "hey, y'all here to buy a Christmas tree?" I said, "no sir, my son needs to go the bathroom and these trees looked really inviting." (Chourus) Here's your sign, here's your sign, here's your stupid sign You acted dumbt so have some fun and wear your stupid sign Oh! here's your sign, here's your stupid sign You lost your mind, so pay the fine, and wear your stupid sign Here's your sign, here's your sign, here's your stpid sign Have no fear when you're spreading cheer during Christmas Time The other night my family and i were walking through the neighbourhood looking at all the christmas decorations When we came across this house tha thad a manger scene. Now there was this whole group of people looking at it when i overheard this one guy say "Hey, are those the three wise men?" I said, "No sir, that's ZZ Top doing a farming concert." (Chorus) Here's your sign, here's your sign, here's your stupid sign. You acted dumb so have some un and wear your stupid sign Oh! here's your sign, here's your sign, here's your stupid sign You lost your mind, so pay the fine and wear your stupid sign Here's your sign, here's your sign, here's your stupid sign (Have no fear when you're spreading cheer during Christmas time) And finally, my wife and i were in a grocery store the other day and i heard a woman ask the clerk "Do you know what time Midnight Mass starts on Chrsitmas Eve"? And in the holiday spirt i walked over and said, "Here's your sign." Happy Holidays everbody! I'd like to second that Happy Holidays and add have a safe new year!
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Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 12:44 pm
The comedian is Bill Engval, same as the guy who wrote that song smile
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Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 12:46 pm
Popi-Sita Chan The comedian is Bill Engval, same as the guy who wrote that song smile thank you! blaugh
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