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I don't mean to bring down the mood, but there's been a shooting near where I live, in a school. One girl died, for now, 20 more are in critical state, and I don't know who. Many of my friends were there, and I don't know how they're doing.

I don't like the kind of anger I'm feeling. When I heard that, I felt murderous. I don't know how many times this has been said, and how many times people will say it again, but you realize how much you're one helpless puny person in these ordeals. Police shot the guy down. s**t traffic everywhere. Part of the subway's down. It's raining. It's all over the news. I feel thoroughly sick.

The date's not lost on me either. I won't start getting all ******** patriotic and say we've got to fight for our lives and ban everything and create a ******** mainstream uproar that'll last years and end up with a movie/documentary and Michael Moore making more cash. It's tiring. Everything's so damn tiring.

They say the shooter was suicidal. They always say that. Maybe they're right. They must all have had deathwishes. There might be more of them, Some say at least four guys had guns. News say only one was shot down.

I don't know what were doing now. This all seems like one big screwed up, self-destructive dance that's never going to end until we're all dead. Everyone's doing something, living through this in some way or another, sometimes dying through this. Everyone tries to change things.

Some of our politicians left the council room in a hurry; some actually seemed so human today. Others had that eerie, sanctimonious smile on their lips, saying we should all learn from this. Heck, they didn't look like they were learning. They were using. I wanted to rip their faces off. All I know is that nothing right is being done, no matter how good the intentions. We'll never get all guns out of this country, but people still try. I guess it would help, though. But that's just taking care of the symptoms.

I wonder what it is that pushes people to such extremes. I sincerely do. What I'm afraid is that, if I do realize it, that I may agree. But if I knew, then I'd try as hell to find a better way to deal with it.

I don't know what I'm writing anymore. I'm tired. I'm in shock? No. I'm not. That's something that scares me, too. Even if the wounded people aren't people I know, I'm certainly linked to them in some way or another. To say that horrors that exceed today in numbers and in cruelty have occured countless times, and will probably never stop occuring... To say that I'll either always remember this day, or forget about it in a few years, like a blur you just don't want to look at, just like I did everything else... There's something wrong with me. And I'm not the only one. There's something inherently wrong with so many people.

I just had to write this. Not really for anyone. This helps me see things more clearly. I needed to vent. I can't say if that'll be enough.