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 Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 7:34 am
Ah, whoa, sorry haven't been posting lately i've been stressing out with a lot of things, having to rewrite an analysis paper 4 times, consider the fact that my instructor of my English 1010 has a PHD so the papers have to be perfect, (mind you that this is at a community college).
We've lost 4 people at work, and I'm working almost full time while being a full time college student. Been thinking about some things recently that we have found out about my health, Lion, I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life, though I'm getting used to them and they're not bad, but eh, that's just me.
Recently my family and I have found out (after 20 years) what the thing is I have, and it's kind of making me depressed, 50/50 chance of me passing it on to my kids (if i ever have any). So for 20 years I've lived not knowing exactly whats wrong, just knowing i have yes a WEIGHT PROBLEM, a genital heart defect, and a bleeding disorder (takes a long time to stop bleeding, also can bleed on the inside if hit hard enough and I wouldn't even notice).
Add that to the list that's also contributing to me being slightly depressed. This includes the fact that I have a cousin in Iraq in the Army, and also my cousin that i've mentioned in the FSFBG before joined the Navy and we rarely get to talk anymore.
LD good luck with all the feelings thingy, I've told you before that my friend got married, and recently (because it was oblivious to me) I realized I had a crush on her, that was since back in 10th grade about 4 years ago so eh love can be rough, we just have to go through it the best we can.
*edit: oh yeah, and my little rant is over...
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:57 am
Sounds like you've been busy, Sha. All we can do is not let the world crush us, sometimes. Somehow, it makes me very sad to say that....
-LD
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:03 am
hence the quote that i came up with about dreams...
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 1:44 pm
Oh my god, I'm working over 40 hours at work this week due to the up and coming holidays. Tired doesn't even begin to describe how I've been feeling. Depressed as well. And even I'm the customer service representative at my work, I don't feel like I've been doing very well at being nice or patient with customers. I mean, they're a** holes. I sliced my finger helping a lady with these really heavy rugs and I apologized to her and told her I'd get a bandaid cause I didn't want to bleed on her rugs. She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. What a douche! [/rant]
Anyways... I know I'll feel better if only I could eat better and exercise more, but with working so much, not being able to spend as much time with my son I;m tired, depressed and I don't have time to make nice meals. I'm usually at Subway. (Which I can't really afford.)
Well, time to bring home the bread. I have to work today from 3:30pm to 11:30 pm. Blech.
Thanks for the encouragement guys, it really helps. And can't wait to join your guild, Lion. I used to be mod of the Big and Beautiful guild, but it died. emo  
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 8:25 pm
I tried so hard not to laugh at the B&BG dying. I really did. But I kept picturing Mo'nique dying Juliet style. I'm so sorry, and so, so twisted.
Hope you feel better soon, Muse!
~~~~~
Last night, had a friend over. It was interesting, but nothing happened. I'm kind of...relieved, somehow. *shrug* Then today, I found out that Wendy took the crown for Homecoming Queen--after Haylie, she was next in line of my favorites--and went to a surprise birthday party for my friend, Allie, hosted by my other friend--and her boyfriend--Patrick. It was fun, but I think I might have...flirted a bit too much. *shrug #2* I'll apologize Monday. What can I say? I love to flirt. With everyone. I just...like to flirt.
Still haven't regretted telling David. It's a little weird: I usually feel a twinge of regret about these things, even when I know they're for the best. But...not this time. I don't know what's different, but...something is. Like when I figured out who and what I was--or at least narrowing down the search--it feels...somehow...inevitable. Inevitably right. *shrug #3* I don't know what I've given the green light to inside of me, but I'm really glad I did. Everything seems a little...easier, somehow. Not a lot. Just a little bit. But it's some breathing room.
And speaking of breathing room, my pants fit better today! *pleased shock* Thursday, I got a hold of my neighbor, and she said I'm starting to appear thinner. I'm not sure I believe her--she's way too kind for her own good--but I'm glad that she said it anyway. *pleased shock #2* And the other day, I felt my stomach--I had a stomach ache from the bug last week--and I felt something hard beneath the fluff. At first I was concerned, and then I realized--I have abdominal muscles! *pleased shock #3*
To top it all off, my friend Tay told me today that a friend of hers, Tim thought I was staring at him at lunch--it happens because I look at people and kind of...zone out--and he wasn't entirely displeased. *pleased shock #4* Tay asked me if he were my type. I told her no, he was too much of a queen for me. What I really meant was that we're both-------! *just shock*
Hehe, sorry. sweatdrop I almost slipped up there.
*sigh* I don't miss missing Homecoming. From what I understand, it was one big grinding orgy, in which they played "Soldier Boy" at least four times, and only one half-Dance song, to which no one actually danced. *sigh #2* I would much rather have been home, watching Furuba and Desert Punk and X with a friend. It's been too long, really.
What I do kind of feel bad about was the pep rally last Tuesday. *sigh #3* So many of my friends were in floats, or drama skits, or cheerleading, or singing, but...I was just there. Watching it all go by. And I felt...a little hollow. A little melancholy. A little wistful. *sigh #4* I should have written a poem. It's just that...so many people were out there, interacting with one another, competing with their talents....
I can't sing or dance well, I can't act or build floats. I might have been able to organize one thing. But even at that, I wouldn't have been able to tie it all together. Sometimes, I feel like my only redeeming talent is my writing, you know? And some days, I don't even feel like my name deserves to be on bookshelves.
Maybe Shojo manga isn't entirely inaccurate--I feel like Miyazawa of KareKano or His and Hers, left behind at her desk, mulling over schoolwork. Finding out that all her friends have talents and she has nothing. But she doesn't have nothing--she has brains and beauty. That's more than enough talent, really. She earns friends and pursues acting. I guess I have writing, and I'm so glad for it--I wouldn't trade it for the world. But...sometimes I feel like that's all I'm good at.
I mean, I'm smart. I'm pretty quick, and I'm adept and reading and writing, science and mathematics. I can weave together philosophy, sociology, and personal anecdote into a killer personal essay. (Thanks a million, million times to Mrs. Barbara Kingsolver for teaching me how to make a truly interesting creative non-fiction essay! Go High Tide in Tuscon! Go Small Wonder! *cheers* *w00t!*) But I don't have any...real skills, books aside.
After all, even Ben has video games and computers. Even my little brother has programming. Am I only to have a single talent? An erratic talent, at that? Maybe it's arrogant, or selfish, or whatever, but...is that it?
...Have any of you felt like this?
Love and Vale,
-LD
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:56 pm
Salvete everyone, sorry I haven't been on... I've been busy with school and my new found workout regimen, if everything in my life goes to hell I know I feel a hundred times better with my newly acquired strength.
I don't remember the last time I was on here, a simple check back over the history might clear that up, but I know its been days.
Fear not Muse, I'm currently working on some articles for my guild that shall be posted this week. I do hope that it doesn't die before it even breathes life, that would surely be troublesome.
I think the brightest thing that's happened since last I post was that I found that the weight scale I was using was poorly tuned. I went to the doctor just for a little checkup and it appears I'm only 223, so, happy days.
Thursday night was terrible, I don't even know how to describe it. Something akin to watching your world fall apart and knowing that you had everything to do with it but only might have been able to change it. That doesn't seem to do it justice... long story short, I should probably take the "Great" out of my name, Lion doesn't even seem fitting anymore. Having a complete and utter mental collapse... I don't think I've entirely recovered. I keep looking over things, my accomplishments, writings, things like that, realizing that most of what I've done is crap. Uselessness is a terrible sensation, utter weakness, futility of life. I have no family, hah, good and terrible god do I hate that word. Bless my girlfriend, she's my infinite foundation, my only saving grace. Despite her proclaiming my great achievements long into the night I hardly feel that I do her any justice. Watch as I destruct hunny, I have no more strength in this far reaching mind of mine. How humiliating, only human... hah, humans are strong and capable, I hardly feel up to being capable.
I won't be writing anymore, not until I find something worth putting my energy into. I won't be updating anything, everything I've posted in the past few months looks like a terrible expectation of something great. Practice makes perfect... ten years of practice should amount to something worth reading. I'll still be online, gotta new guild on the way, can't slack off now.
Its times like these I wish I weren't such a strong role model for the people around me. Who am I to inspire my friends, my word, what a deep well I've dug. Enough whining from me.
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:56 pm
Ah yes, a singled out talent, I play the piano, and am very good at doing so, been playing for 12 years, most my family knows me for that, but they don't know the rest. The rest being the computer knowledge, or writing on the side (not that I'm very good at it). The weird thing is I'm good with any computer system, give me any kind of operating system and I can get you into personal settings or system files that people don't know about, same goes for cell phones and pda's.
I consider myself lucky in that way, because when we told the geneticist that I play the piano and that i'm really good at it she was shocked, because most of the people she sees with the syndrome i have can't do complex things like that where it takes both sides of the brain to focus on it.
LD- you may not just have one talent, it may seem that way to you, but ask people if they think you're good at something else other than that. It may not be apparent to you but at least if you ask you get feedback from what you don't see yourself doing.
CM- lol i know how you feel, i'm throwing in 36 hours this week and i'm only part time, have school full time and other things going on too. work is stressful and costumers don't help make it any better. ((and i would go into the crew only sub-forum but my status hasn't been upped and i don't have permission to view it))
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:12 pm
Oh, Lion, nothing you've ever done has been useless, to my knowledge. Stop beating yourself up over it--you're worst quality is that you're far too hard on yourself.
My suggestion is to try and write something light for a change, something you would never ordinarily write, and stick with it until it's done. Just something fun or happy or silly, and forgo your Roky stories until you feel a bit better.
For me, at least, it's better to take on the world on a full-stomach and a rested mind--and body. Can you say any differently? Isn't part of personal fitness understanding your limits and pushing them only so far? Sometimes I think you go too far. Far too far, if you don't mind me saying so.
Just relax for a while, Lion. Give yourself some time to recuperate and calm down.
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:31 pm
I've had three days to recoop and calm down, and while I have for the most part there's still bits and pieces missing.
I don't have any ideas to write about these days, heavy or otherwise. It would be nice if I could find the inspiration to write about a tiny little rock who made friends with a puddle. If I come across one, I'll be sure to write it down.
I used to think I could take on the world with no sleep and little food as wel as rested and full but these days I can barely deal with the unending attacks my life puts forth, let alone the impending weight of everything the world has to hurl at me.
I hardly think I'm being unreasonable with myself. Then again, I'm not my biggest fan, so my views are most definately biased in that regard.
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:01 pm
Well...maybe you've merely grown wiser in your old age. What do I know?
All I'm saying, Lion, (and I would hope I speak for Muse here, too, and Kiyome) is that we care about you, and feel like sometimes, all you need is a little sleep, food, and polish to make you good as new. Your strong, Lion, but you aren't invincible.
Love and Vale,
-LD
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Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 10:12 pm
I've been busy with work.
I don't have the willpower to come up with a reply to the last post addressed to me... Except that I want you to know I have full faith in you, Lea. Full faith.
And I'm glad you told him. It probably feels different this time because you fully committed to admitting the truth, and you didn't hold back.
I'm proud of you, love.
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 12:41 pm
Gods, Tommy, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
Remember that little twinge of regret I never got? It hit me full force yesterday, and I was in a sour mood for...quite a while. I know it's necessary, and I truly hope that whatever awkwardness between us will eventually dissipate, and leave our friendship stronger than ever, but...even so, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little hurt by the awkwardness. And that I wonder if that's it.
You remember back in the episode where Tohru goes home to grandfather's house, thinking she's there for good, and Yuki and Kyo treat her differently at school? Do you remember what she says? 'Well, that's it. I guess I can't expect things to be the same between me and Yuki and Kyo.' The voice acting is so well done, and she comes off a little sad, a little wistful, accepting what must be and dealing with it. It breaks my heart. And, I can't help but feel similarly towards David, as well.
But I mean...I didn't really expect him to be my friend. I didn't expect him to accept me, and yet...I hoped so hard it hurt that he might be different, without even knowing that I hoped until it was said and done.
"Oh, Mom." Tohru sighs and looks at her mother's picture. "I can be such a fool sometimes.... A rice ball doesn't belong in a fruits basket."
It really does make me want to cry, just a little. But I'm not crying. I can't, not over this. Not yet. I'd be crying over milk that hasn't even spilled yet. And that would truly be foolish.
And shouldn't I already have this lesson?
Love and Vale,
-LD
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:15 pm
Forgive me, Leav, for coming in so late...but I always knew that men were nothing to cry over. Keep your heart to yourself...or at least a part of it, anyway. It's the only way to keep yourself sane.
Because crying on your bedroom floor with the phone stuck to your ear is no way to live. No way to get that last hope from a friend who can't do a d*** thing about it anyway...
This is the most I've thought about it in a long time. Oh well, I guess...life goes on.
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:25 pm
The biggest problem I always have--especially when someone likes me--is that, because I'm always so busy, and so involved with other people and everything, I feel like I never have enough of myself to give. To be completely honest, whenever I feel like I've given that last piece of myself away, I end up find a whole new chunk to divvy up to new tasks. Such as college back in August. Yikes, was that messy.
You know...maybe I just don't want to date. Would it really be fair to date, anyway?
Some days.... I really do wish that my heart had never defrosted. It was a lot easier back then, that's for damn sure.
-LD
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:32 pm
Gods know it's true...sometimes I find myself frosting up, but eventually I stop myself.
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