|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:53 pm
Thanks everyone! Your support is wonderful. ShaDragon, I'll fix those soon, promise. And KiyoKyo, yeah, Beryl would make a great chef/ladykiller, and I'm a little concerned as to how the rest of the story is going to unfold, but I trust the characters enough to run the show so long as I stick with it.
I've heard of Redwall. A close friend to me loves them, so I should read them anyway. Hmm.... Well, yeah, a scrapbook, probably. I mean, it's in a retrospective-first-person format, so the scrapbook would be pretty close. But it's meant to be read, or spoken, not watched.
Actually, the next chapter might not be so very day-by-day, but we'll see. Beryl is starting to unfold from his childhood orphaning into a bright young boy with a penchant for words, and social situations. (It helps that he's cute.) As he continues to age, we'll hear less about the everyday tasks as they grow rote to him, and we'll pick up on other things--relationships between characters and their stories--and the focus will be more on the important, memorable days than each and every day. Beryl's bright, and VelArian has an impeccable memory--and other characters will remark on both these traits--but you can't expect him to remember everything. So far he's told us of his earliest memories with Nova, and his coming to the Campus, so of course these things will be in finer detail than much of the story. But as it goes on, the scenery becomes the background that the story is set in, and the plot and character development truly start to take off.
Next chapter, we see more strangenesses (Tommy, I used your word!) in Beryl, and see even more of the elusive Selene and her story. We meet his teachers, and fellow students, and watch as his life on Campus begins to unfold.
Love and Vale,
~Leavaros Dapple
EDIT: I'm amazed no one's asked about Valentyne....
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 8:11 pm
I'm kind of curious about Valentyne, but I don't know what to ask on just a name alone. Perhaps he/she will be Beryl's match for wits and displaced poetic statements? xd
As for your comment on "Goldener", I guess you have a point. I'm going to be stubborn and maintain that I'm right from a linguistic theory standpoint--if the majority of people don't acknowledge a word, then it doesn't exist. So there. stare
But don't let that stop you... Jabberwocky is one of the greatest poems in this language, and everyone knows what you mean by "goldener". I'm surprised that you're anticipating a shift in style... we're all eagerly awaiting what comes next! 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 9:03 pm
She is the female lead of the story. She has all the wits VelArian has, but uses them in different directions. But no, her poetry is not at all like VelArian's. Valentyne has a wild passion and drive for goodness that VelArian's comments don't have. His reveal the hidden truth in the world, and in other people, especially good things. Hers portray ideas and ideals that most people are afraid to touch. She seeks truth and beauty and goodness with an avidity that is lost on her counterparts rather neutral, calm comments. Early into her story, her keen sense of right and wrong earns her the nickname, "Valeri the Valkyrie."
When we hear her speak about the things VelArian does, she paints a picture infinitely different than his. She is the passion to his logic. If you may, she is the "why" to his "how".
Love and Vale,
-LD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 12:01 am
Like I said in the PM...uh...whatever it was I said. This story is wonderful! ^___^
This is actually as good as the books I'm reading, except I have to wait for the rest of it instead of reading it in 16 hours straight. I love the imagery, very poetic and vivid. (I wish I could do that xp )
You have a very, very engaging story. That's awesome biggrin And...you're now one of my favorite online writers >.> Honestly.
I love when I find awesome writers online blaugh It makes me happy.
KK: Hi! ^__^ Not "your's," but "yours." No apostrophe xp No, no, no! gonk
Sha: HIII!!! *waves enthusiastically* I just wanted to say hi...^_^;
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:18 pm
Oh, Glory, I'm going to get such a big head 'cause of all these good reviews! redface biggrin
Love and Vale,
-LD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 10:22 pm
Chapter Five: Meeting Magistras and Learning Lessons
VelArian
~~~~~
Our brief walk to the Towers and the buns we had consumed kept us warm from Winter's chill. The light set the snow to dazzling and the Towers to shimmering, making it very easy to forgive the cold. Besides, Master's little smile was keeping me warm in a deeper, more important way. So instead of complaining, I laughed, and watched the clouds kiss the soaring hight of the tallest of all the Towers. I asked Master who taught there, and he looked at what I was pointing to before answering, "In the Spire, the Magistrate keeps order among the Magisters, Apprentices, Mages, and the Campus, itself--all the shops and inns and their keepers, and those who live here: everyone in the Campus answers to the Magistrate."
I was shocked at the warmth in his voice. Jealousy crept up in me, but I stomped it out before it could seize me. "Who is he?"
"Who said that the Magistrate was male?" Master asked rhetorically, and then laughed at the look on my face. "When I left, Magistrate Ilia led the Campus. But I have heard that she was discovered in a plot to gain complete power over the Campus, before she overthrew the Council. Apparently she vanished. Just like that--no clues as to where she went or how--everything went back to normal."
"Why do you speak of her so fondly, Master, if she attempted something so disgraceful?" Master had told me common tales of magic-users being seduced by the call of absolute power and brave Mages who resisted this urge and unseated the tyrant from his throne.
Master smiled nostalgically. "I knew Ilia before she earned her robes, and she never did anything for the wrong reasons, or without forethought."
"You think she was framed."
Master pulled at his beard idly. "That is a fairly common rumor, too."
"Well, who set her up?"
"According to the rumor? Why, the Council, of course." He grinned here, and shook his head a bit.
"But why? If they put her up to the task, and she did it well, why would they pull her down?"
He startled, turning to me abruptly, and then bent down to meet my eyes. "Beryl, my boy, you may ask me these questions, but no one else. It is too recent a thing to be talked about safely, even by a child. Do you understand?"
He was beginning to frighten me. "Yes...Yes, of course I do. I'm sorry if I spoke out of line, Master." I looked down so he would not see the tears beginning to form in my eyes. I hated being called a child.
"And that's what you should do if one slips out." He patted my head and I felt his smile. I looked up and saw him, really saw him. That perfect, gentle smile looked so right on him. I smiled back at him, I told him, "I'm glad you smile like that at me, Master. It makes me feel safe."
He ruffled my hair and replied, "When you're with me, you are safe, my boy."
"I hope that one day, I can smile like that at you, and make you feel safe, too, Master."
His breath caught and he hugged me right there in the street. "Maybe one day, my boy. But for now, let's just be safe together, inside--maybe by a fire."
"I'd like that," I said, and grinned up at him as he stood and cracked his back.
We walked in a comfortable silence until reaching the Towers.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:03 am
First comment on the new chapter! I'm liking this chapter alot--we have the setup for some plot development, and I'm eager to see what happens next. Only one thing caught my attention in this chapter, and that was the phrase here: Quote: When I left, Magistrate Ilia led the Campus. But I have heard that she was discovered in a plot to gain complete power over the Campus, before she overthrew the Council. Apparently she vanished. Just like that--no clues as to where she went or how--everything went back to normal. The existence of the council seems to jump out of nowhere, as does Ilia and her plot. In Beryl's shoes, I would say "wait, slow down. There's a council?" It seems that Nova just offers up an entire story in one blow with no build up or forethought. Wouldn't it make more sense for him to say something to the effect of "Well, it's a rather long story, but..." before starting the narrative? Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing where this leads. Happy writing, -KK
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 12:04 pm
It's the same thing with his name: his knowledge of the Council comes from the stories and songs Nova taught him on their journey. And Master doesn't want to explain any more for reasons we will learn later. Much like with Magistra Olivia, actually.
But...I'll make it more abrupt, and Nova a bit more wistful and forgetful of who he's talking to, to emphasize the point.
Thanks, KiyoKyo. Where would I be without you?
Love and Vale,
-Leavaros
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 12:41 pm
I can understand your reasoning behind Beryl's acceptance of the facts, but that still leaves us as readers woefully in the dark.
The casual reader won't make the connections you've pointed out here, and even if he does, won't accept them in place of a solid explanation. If there are important points in these songs and stories, then we should have heard about them earlier on, or be taught of them here, as Beryl reflects over what his master has just said in his own mind.
Make sure you're answering questions not only from Beryl's view, but from the readers' as well.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 1:16 pm
Yes, I'll do just that. But if I make Nova a bit absent-minded here, and detail the Council later, such as in Vasje's History & Customs Lessons, then I don't run the risk of tampering with the story if I were to go back and reference in the story of the Council.
Besides, you were the one who told me not to worry about linear formatting, right?
Love and Vale,
-Leavaros
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:32 pm
Leavaros Yes, I'll do just that. But if I make Nova a bit absent-minded here, and detail the Council later, such as in Vasje's History & Customs Lessons, then I don't run the risk of tampering with the story if I were to go back and reference in the story of the Council. Besides, you were the one who told me not to worry about linear formatting, right? For the sake of the plot, no. Non-linear plots are great. However, any literary device that works at the expense of readability shouldn't be in the author's toolbox. When your reader asks a question about the setting, the answer should be there, or at least hinted at--so he knows that the answer is coming. Otherwise you might alienate the reader from the world you are trying to create. This isn't a question of continuity or realism of the conversation, but one of mechanics. What I mean to say is: It's not a question of whether you'll ever get around to it or not--it really needs to be said now for the sake of flow. Take this example: Quote: I and my comrades headed towards Gimbel, but we were accosted by bandits on the road for the cargo we carried. When we arrived at our destination, the council's punishment was severe. And then a more explanatory version: Quote: I and my comrades--members of a secret, knightly order, had received from our masters a most important mission. On an appointed day, we set off towards Gimbel--the city of the Dwarves a fortnight far. However, on the road, raiders sent by some foe--we know not who--ambushed us, stealing away the small cargo we had been charged with protecting. In Gimbel, the Council of our Order--the same which had appointed us the task--dealt us punishments severe for our failure. I still wonder to this day what secret was within that old iron box... The first one isn't bad, but it leaves the reader with so many questions that it's barely a complete thought. The second version tells the story much more clearly. Though both are passable, the one that ties up loose ends as it goes is far more readable and enjoyable. Whether the knight would recount the story as such to someone close to him, I can't say, but as authors we have to think about how much information we are giving both the reader and the characters. This dual-sided nature of each story--the characters' experience and the reader's experience--can't be unbalanced. Anyway, it seems that I've moved off the topic of your story and into my own rambling lesson on creative writing. Forgive me. sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:45 pm
No, don't apologize.... When you put it like that...I suppose I should go back and edit in a few places where I at least mention the hierarchy of the Campus.
But not tonight. It's been a long, strange day. And I'm very tired.
Love and Vale,
-LD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:46 pm
More edits have been made, especially to the latest post. I added this section as well, to the July 22nd post: Quote: As we traveled, Master told me tales of powerful Mages and wise Magisters not so very different than him. He spoke more openly about the Campus, and detailed the existence of a Council that ruled over all the tallest Tower sheds its shadow over. It sounded just as it would be to me: a place of magic and mysticism and beauty that predated the coming of humankind. But more than that, when Master spoke of the Campus, he made it sound like a promise to be had--he told me stories about his earlier Apprentices and his fellow Magisters and the wonders that hid under each stone and in every nook in cranny. Of course, he also told me histories of all the cities we passed through, as well. The few we visited were astounding. Cuiet was the biggest place I'd ever been until that point, and indeed, it was a large hub of commerce, but these were awe-inspiring. Gadolia was the westernmost city we visited, and the stones there were much paler and smoother than those in Cuiet. The buildings were taller and more slender, with gentle curves and sloping arches. Unfortunately for us, Common was a second language there, and Master had trouble conversing with the people. Dreidin was the southernmost city we reached, and the people there were as the architecture was, sharp and cold and generally unfriendly. Master would not let me out of sight there for a moment. But by far, Selenia, the final city en route to the Campus, stood above the rest in terms of beauty and elegance. Naturally, it was a name I had heard before, just as Treheim was a well-known place, far to the north, where the reclusive tree-dwelling peoples lived. Thanks again for your continued support. Love and Vale, -LD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:37 am
That feels really good to read, like the whole world is opening up in front of me. When I see the summary of their trip there, it's like a roadmap guiding me through the narratives to come, and also whetting the tongue for what wonders lie ahead at Campus.
If I read this before moving on to the other sections, it gives me the organization I need to understand why we are going to these places, and how anticipation is building with each one. Plus, now that I've seen a glimpse of the end, my curiosity forces me onward through the narrative.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 1:46 pm
Thanks, KiyoKyo. I'm glad you like the revision.
Love and Vale,
-LD
EDIT: Remember how exhausted I was last night? I made an error. Gadolia was supposed to be "westernmost", not "easternmost". Remember that I don't work my best when I'm tired.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
