Welcome to Gaia! ::

The Fiction, Sci-Fi & Fantasy Book Guild [Reading, Writing,

Back to Guilds

 

 

Reply Writer's Corner (Poetry, Novels, Short Stories & Fan-Fic)
Maroque: A Novel of Nightmares [FY] (Update! 03/13/09) Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2 3 ... 4 5 6 [>] [»|]

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 11:18 pm


Anianka...scared? That seems a little...wrong, somehow.

Love and Vale,
-Leavaros
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:58 am


This is coming along well. I like how the plot moves in this chapter. biggrin No real criticisms here: It's well written and well thought.

The question "Why are you" seems a little out of place, but also somewhat chilling, just like the presence of the turtle relic. I thought this was a really masterful line to work in.

And I wonder what Anianka and Dei will bring back into Maroque with them...

After reading this chapter and comparing it in quality to the ones that take place in the dream world, I think I see what the difference is. Your writing is similar in both worlds, however, in the familiar world of day it makes sense, because we know how things should look and feel. In Maroque's alien world, however, the reader needs much more description to understand how this world should take form in his mind.

For example, compare the setting in the most recent chapter--"Awake (Anianka)"--to that in the previous one--"The Serpent". Neither setting is given much treatment, but we can all assume what an apartment room looks like. We can't assume what a clearing in an alien dream world of nightmares looks like. Because of this difference, the scene in Anianka's room is easily visualized, but the one with Starblaze seems to take place in a haze of non-description. It also helps that Anianka interacts with her environment--a feature which is sometimes absent from the character-driven Maroque chapters.

KiyoshiKyokai


Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 12:08 pm


But I think that lends a sense of surrealness to the story--it's like all of these characters are moving about in a dream, hazy and unclear and lacking intention, save one: get to the Lake.

Love and Vale,
-LD
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:47 pm


So you noticed. That same effect of my writing in Maroque that causes wonder and curiosity in our world breeds familiarity and understanding... As if simply by revealing as little as possible about the world, I can keep you captivated with it.
The Lake is by far my favorite part of Maroque, with the exception of Monique's castle in the very center of the red-leafed black forest. As well the Turtle statue is such a fun way to keep you guessing. What is it? How is it? Why is it? A nice little device of mine, the frozen gold Turtle.

I promise to you that by the end of the book there will be so much answered. But I also promise that those answers will bring more questions of your own, to keep you thinking, to keep you guessing, and to keep you captivated.

And I promise it gets more bloody, more frightening, as the story progresses. I want to take this to such a terrifying place as like as I have ever seen in my own dreams.

Thanks for the kind words.

Tommy Dionysus

Fashionable Sex Symbol

10,300 Points
  • Ultimate Player 200
  • Full closet 200
  • Person of Interest 200

KiyoshiKyokai

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 4:49 pm


Tommy Cullen
So you noticed. That same effect of my writing in Maroque that causes wonder and curiosity in our world breeds familiarity and understanding... As if simply by revealing as little as possible about the world, I can keep you captivated with it.


I'm still not sure how I feel about this, but if you intend to carry us along on our own imaginations, you still need to include as many suggestions as possible, such as interactions with the environment, creepy sounds, strange smells, and the like.

If you want to make it imagination-driven, go for phrases like "...the smell of the fetid ground was worse than anything Anianka could remember...", "...sounds like mortal anguish pierced the air at odd intervals...", "...the sight was far more gruesome than mere words can tell..." Phrases like these cue the reader to insert his own visions into the narrative, making the nightmare more subjective to the one experiencing it.
PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:00 pm


Ooh. Thanks for the advice. I'll keep that in mind. <3

Tommy Dionysus

Fashionable Sex Symbol

10,300 Points
  • Ultimate Player 200
  • Full closet 200
  • Person of Interest 200

Tommy Dionysus

Fashionable Sex Symbol

10,300 Points
  • Ultimate Player 200
  • Full closet 200
  • Person of Interest 200
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:16 pm


Roommates



The girl sat quietly beside the tree as Dei explained bits and pieces of the story to her. She figured, because of how well she knew him, that he’d finally actually gone off the wall and landed upside-down. But she listened attentively and made mental notes of things to ask him when he was done. Her roommate, what a guy.

Catie knew Dei to be one of the sanest patients there, but then, what was “sanity?” What was “normal?” Other than something the ignorant masses pushed on free-thinking individuals who they deemed “crazy” or “weird.” Ah, but she was waxing philosophical. She was here because she’d attempted to kill her eleventh grade History teacher. The man had tried to seduce her several times to no avail. The final time she had jammed a pencil into his forearm and tried to cut his throat with scissors. The teacher denied trying to take advantage of her, and with no witnesses, Catie plead insanity. She did put up a convincing case, but hadn’t expected to end up here. That had been three years ago. She smoked her Virginia Slim, listening to the only person she got on with go truly mad, and sighed. Dei stopped.

”Catie, I need your help.” He said. “Right now.”

”What can I do?”

Dei explained his theories on bringing things in and out of the dream realm, and how he wanted to test it first with paper, and work his way up He told her if he could a note in with him, he might be able to bring something out. Or someone in.

She looked at him, trying to see how serious he was, if he was pulling her leg, but he seemed sincere and that scared her. That really made her uneasy.

Dei scanned Catie’s face for any signs of emotion – she was so good at masking it – but this time was surprised to find what looked like fear. He reached over to touch her face, to reassure her. Her long black hair fell in her face, an he lent in to fix it for her.

”Catie, I’m not lying.” He said.

”I… I know.” She replied. “That’s the problem, I believe you but its so strange…”

”Catie,” He smiled. “Its not so bad. Hey. I tell ya what… If it works, I’ll show you, I’ll take you there.”

Catie felt her face flush, and looked into Dei’s eyes; his smile was so comforting, so friendly. She kissed him, quick, and then looked away. Why had she done that? Why had she given to sudden emotion like that?

Dei’s eyes widened as she kissed him; this wasn’t what he had been expecting. He looked at her, seeing that she seemed embarrassed, ashamed. He took her hand to reassure her he wasn’t upset.

”Will you help me, then?” He asked.

She nodded, her eyes darting quickly to look on his quite briefly. “Tell me how…” She whispered.

Dei bowed his head and stood up, Catie standing with him. Silently they made their way out of the courtyard and up the stairs; the hall was so dim, so closed. Patients and staff wandered about, seemingly aimless. They both showed no signs of outward emotion towards anyone, looking instead both angry and tired. People left them be.

When they got into their room and closed the door she threw herself onto Dei, hugging him fiercely. He wrapped his arms around her waist, not understanding, but glad for the contact.

”How do we do this?” She asked. “What do I do?”

”Keep an eye on me… Look for changes,” he paused, “and see if I’m still physically here or not.” He leant over his nightstand and scribbled a note to himself and Anianka quickly. He knew she wouldn’t be there right now, but if this worked, he could keep the note until later. Catie’s help was very much appreciated, and he’d have to tell her so, afterwards.

She must have truly lost it herself to believe the young man leant over the small table before her. But there was no harm in indulging him in his own insanity, was there? She could always claim that, should staff choose to ask… But why would they? Silly Catie… They don’t care! She thought. Dei stood straight and turned, a grin on his pale, slender face. He looked beautiful just then.

”I’m going to take two pieces.” He told her. “A note, and one that has nothing but the word ‘destroy me’ on it. When I do destroy it, it should be gone when I wake up. Tell me what happens.”

Catie nodded and sat down in the chair next to Dei’s bed. She watched him take off his glasses and lay down, the notes clutched tightly in his hands. He used a technique he’d taught himself to overcome insomnia, and after a while everything faded away.




He opened his eyes to a large blue moon and golden stars in the maroon sky. It was mesmerizing, and he had to stop himself from getting fully entranced. Paper, in his hands. He read the two pieces over, and one simply said "destroy me". He ripped it in half, then in half again and again. Then he let the breeze carry the pieces away. Then he froze. The snake… Where was it? It was close by, but… No, he had to get away now… Now!




Catie’s eyes widened as the notes vanished from his grip, and he now seemed transparent… But no! Trick of the eyes, has to be… She stood up and leant over him. His breath was warm on her skin.

“Dei..?” She whispered. “Are you there?”

No response, of course, the albino was asleep. She sat back down and watched his body. His breathing picked up and he twitched. She stared, her breath caught in her throat. He was gone for a second… Just a second, and then he was back, sitting bolt-straight, panting, and with only one piece of paper in his hand.

”What?!” She was frightened, he was acting weird.

”S-Starblaze…” He whispered. He shook his head, unsure of reality even still. But… He had remembered to destroy the paper! Yes, because there was only one in his hand, which means it worked… He could, in fact, take things into Maroque.

Catie waited for a coherent response, but she was on edge. This entire situation was ridiculous, but it was happening… She’d finally gone over the edge into the black oblivion of true insanity.

”The snake is close to our campsite.” He said, finally calm enough to form a coherent sentence. “Starblaze has found Kyonsei, she was gone.”

”Ah…” She couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. Dei made perfect sense, and she was terrified.
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 11:27 pm


Interesting! I wish I had a song note emoticon for occasions like this....

One thing though.

Quote:
Catie felt her face flush, and looked into Dei’s eyes; his smile was so comforting, so friendly. She kissed him, quick, and then looked away. Why had she one that? Why had she given to sudden emotion like that?


Do you mean "done"?

Love and Vale,
-LD

Leavaros
Crew


Tommy Dionysus

Fashionable Sex Symbol

10,300 Points
  • Ultimate Player 200
  • Full closet 200
  • Person of Interest 200
PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 10:48 am


Thanks.

I fixed it.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 9:12 pm


I still have yet to see why these people are in a mental institution. I guess one of the points of this novel is that sanity is a status quo, not a state of mind... another well-written chapter, Tommy. I like that we're starting to see lines between Maroque and the "real world" blurring. It makes you wonder which world is actually real... if either.

KiyoshiKyokai


Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 10:38 pm


Or both. And if demons are born from humans, then that leaves us with the question, what are humans born from, or originally?
-LD
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:06 pm


Did Maroque just go away? I was eager to see this continued. scream

KiyoshiKyokai


Tommy Dionysus

Fashionable Sex Symbol

10,300 Points
  • Ultimate Player 200
  • Full closet 200
  • Person of Interest 200
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:54 pm


I'm sorry. I'm just a little stuck on the chapter I'm supposed to be writing right now... It'll be updated just as soon as I can finish the chapter. Its just, I don't have anymore pre-done chapters right now.
PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 11:58 pm


Truths to Come


Anianka sat clinging to her backpack and the frozen Turtle statue like a child might cling to her teddybear. The jeweler she had visited had studied the Turtle very closely for more than an hour, and offered her a ballpark estimate off the top of his head… Twenty-six point eight million dollars, but when she’d refused, he’d just kept going up and up until she’d simply walked out. He must have thought she was crazy, and maybe she was… But the statue seemed to claim otherwise, almost arrogantly.

So the statue was worth tens of millions, solid pure gold and perfectly rounded black diamond eyes. It was beautiful and pricey, and she couldn’t sell it until this was all done. If it ever ended, or she lived to see the end. Which she was seriously beginning to have doubts about. Her weapons room had many a sword and scimitar she could strap to herself and bring in as protection. Plus, she did know how to use most of them, because of her obsession with ancient war, battle, and hand to hand combat.

She got up, putting her backpack on and began to make her way home. Not only to choose a weapon, but to hide herself away from the world she so hated.

She got home at about the same time Dei was destroying his paper in Maroque, hiding the bag under her bed and going into her weapons room. She’d inherited the house, which was owned outright, from her uncle, and only paid the necessary bills like hydro and internet. What to bring with her tonight? She looked around the room, carefully considering her options, and found she couldn’t decide from her functional models. Her swords, throwing knives, crossbow, compound bow, various daggers… There were too many options, too many working weapons. Her indecision mocked her, giggling cruelly from a safe distance as it blocked her choice from getting through. And so she sat among her various blades and sharp objects, unable to reach a final verdict, but unwilling to give up.

Finally she was able to decide upon a scimitar and short sword, a bowie knife, and for good measure, her compound bow and quiver of arrows. Pleased with her selections, she moved them to by her bed, and busied herself with making some food.


As she browsed her fridge, looking for what to make, she considered everything, but most specifically her connection to the Turtle, and why she’d found it. If the Turtle was a God, it was trying to tell her something; but what? This business with the other world, also… Why was she going there? What was drawing her there? How could she end her constant nightly adventure in a dream realm? She knew she needed to get to a lake, but not why. What would happen when she got there? Why? But she had none of the answers for these questions, and it vexed her.

”What the hell is going on?” She asked herself, heaving a sigh. “Why is a Turtle so important?”

She pulled out the ingredients she needed after deciding on a nice Rosemary Chicken, and turned the oven to the correct temperature. She did not see the Turtle statue begin to glow at the eyes, or feel the temperature of her apartment begin to drap as the gold mouth opened to release a cold mist. She measured the ingredients, and prepared the chicken in the pan, and when she finally was enveloped in the frozen air of the icy mist, it was too late to even scream; time stopped.

Tommy Dionysus

Fashionable Sex Symbol

10,300 Points
  • Ultimate Player 200
  • Full closet 200
  • Person of Interest 200

Leavaros
Crew

PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 5:36 pm


Quote:
She got home at about the same time Dei was destroying his paper in Maroque, hiding the bag under her bad


Do you mean bed?

Apart from that, interesting set-up, but the end kind of--what's the expression?--came out of left field. I don't remember the turtle being referred to earlier as gold, or the black irises, but that could be a matter of memory rather than writing. Let me know if it is so.

And I miss hearing from you! If you're going to be gone for so long in the future, would you let me know? Remember, the original purpose of the LKWLC is to alert us to such absences.

Love and Vale, and Happy Thanksgiving, my Canadian love-muffin!
-Lea
Reply
Writer's Corner (Poetry, Novels, Short Stories & Fan-Fic)

Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2 3 ... 4 5 6 [>] [»|]
 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum