Shard had been wandering among the plants for what felt like days now. She had found others searching for bits and pieces of themselves, and, like them, was having no luck at it.
“Perhaps it was something I did, or didn't do before...” she kept thinking to herself. Twinges of regret began in a being that could not (by its very existence) show emotions.
Finally, she climbed to the top of the skyscraper, just to see what the new world looked like from high above. As she climbed, her consciousness began to waver, and control of the vines began to slip away as she climbed higher.
When she stepped out onto what was left of the roof, she was vine-less and merely a disembodied... what?... spirit?... ghost?... Memory...?
Here, where Day Zero had obviously begun, she felt that she was near an ending.
Shard remembered a quote from a favourite novel where one character commented: “I feel like a military academy... bits of me keep passing out...” She didn't feel bad about this anymore... it was more like a dream...
Usually, however, her dreams didn't talk back to her... She was quietly – for want of a better term – interviewed by something in her dream... Then, she was back flying through the same doors again... Red... Gold... White... Blue... Violet... Black... and back to the Green Door... Each one imparting a new emotion to be sucked up by Creation as a memory...
Shard's passage through the doors a second time made her realize that Creation – for all its power and scope – couldn't experience emotion directly... but it could view and collect them as memories... “Could this be used to break free?” She wondered...
“Free to do what?” she responded to herself. She had seen with her own 'eyes' her body collapsing from the Virus... the infection within had finally brought her down...
“No... Not brought down... Not while 'I' am still 'here'!” Shard affirmed. “My consciousness has been living in this state and I'll continue as long as I can.”
Whooshing through the Green Door, Shard began to see strange images appearing in her “Mind” she thought “I'm still going to call it a mind.” She saw Creation taking images from people... “Their memories” she thought... and the memories, once free of their human, began to break up... stronger memories lasting longer than others. She saw the vines (lovingly) wrapping and (tenderly) gathering them all up and using them to power itself and (create) bring into being (beautiful) different (powerful) (artifact) things of great power – things different from the memories used, but still (usable) recognizable as (memories) memories.
“And these artifacts would be used by... whom?” Shard practically shouted in her 'mind'. As if in response, a second replica of herself appeared before her... looking much like she did in the world below... just not as... well... dead...
More questions... more interplay... Emotions versus Memories... Shard viewed the question from both sides … literally... and she could feel the pull of both.
If she chose her Memories, then she would remain in the tower forever... part of Creation and a part of a being that was 'complete' and could save countless lives and forge countless empires...
If she chose her Emotions, then she would be separated from Creation... but would remain the way she once was.
“Dead?” she hazarded a thought... “Definitely not exactly the way I was...” Shard somehow instinctively knew...
She remembered the image of herself lying among the victims of the Virus and knew that some ...things... would change if she chose to return... but it didn't matter...
“I can live without my memories...” she began “Creation can keep them... use them... do positive things with them...”
Even now, Shard could feel the pull of Emotions dragging her back...
“I choose to return to my Emotions!” Shard 'shouted'. She had so much left to do in the 'real world' and she still had to find out what happened to the rest of her family back in the States....
OOC
Character's name: Charlotte Dee "Shard" Williams Character's faction: Mall Character's journal link: Shard's Journal Character's survival stats: Charlotte Dee WilliamsView HERE BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF MY CHARACTER "Shard" is a very physically fit 5' 10" woman who is only three months out of the Army due to a medical discharge. She has blue eyes and dark-ish blonde hair that seems messy and matted no matter how she tries to style it. She tends to dress in baggy pants (with lots of pockets) and light jackets over plain shirts... and this was *before* joining the military! She was given a medical discharge when an accident dealing with a live grenade cost her her left pinkie finger and most of the feeling in that hand.
Wielding a... frying pan? Do I look like Samwise Gamgee? Oh, well. At least it's doing 2d12-8 in battle.
Owner of two Junkyard Joker cards from HERE and HERE.
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 6:32 pm
.: Ellie chooses - Emotions! :.
"J-just one more d-day..." came out as a soft mumble from the previously unconscious girl... Ellie was finally returning to consciousness once more! Her last run in with that invisible horse had really hurt...
Slowly, she opens her eyes to find her world was still covered in gray... But... There was something more... Why did she still ache...? Shouldn't she be healed by now...? And... Why did she itch so much...? Wait... She wasn't just itchy... She felt weak and was burning with fever! What was going on! Now wide awake, Ellie begins struggling to get to her feet! Unfortunately... No matter how hard she struggled, she just couldn't get up! Soon, it wasn't just her body that hurt, her mind itself started to feel as if it were slipping away! "A-ah! N-no... It c-couldn't be..." she gasps as a horrible realization hits her! She really was infected! "N-no! I-I've made it t-this far! I-I... I can't... Give... U-up..." she struggles as her energy began to fail her... However, she continued to fight against it despite it all!
----
Ellie had left the room, as Jeff had instructed, and was now wandering down a random hall when- She feels it... She was fading... The vines were slipping off of her, leaving her exposed... And yet... She felt... Nothing... She had expected to feel sad or angry or confused... But she felt... Nothing... It was so surreal... Like being in a dream... Had this all just been a dream...?
"In a way" the vines say as she continues to fade away... They tell her that they were Knowledge, Creation, a Legacy... One which had no control over it's own destiny... One that was meant to be used by others... The voice was neutral, remorseless, it accepted it's fate. As it explains this, Ellie could feel herself rejoining the others... She could feel herself slipping away... And Finally, she understood... This is why, as Creation clawed into her and ripped her memories away from her emotions... She didn't fight it... She only understood... This was how things were meant to be...
----
Time was lost to her... No... Not her... It... Creation... She was no longer her, but it... The single cell creature composed of hundreds of millions of memories... The world seemed to reveal itself to her in it's entirety as it peels back to reveal so many memories... She understood now... Understood what the vines had shown her at the Hospital... But this time it was different... It didn't hurt to see all this... It was... Easy... She wasn't overloaded because it wasn't just her processing all this... While she swam through the memories observing them all, she couldn't help but feel as if this was what she was born to do... As she continues to sift through the seemingly endless stream of memories, time simply passes without being followed... She found it was almost... peaceful... To learn without feeling...
Finally, the images shift. Familiar memories begin to play before her and she watches them with numb logic. She made many... interesting choices... But she'd survived... Through that first month... Through those six days... And... Wait... That body... That body succubing to the infection... The one that just wouldn't give up... It was... It was her's! Suddenly, an almost electric jolt runs through her as a small sense of self returns to her! No... It didn't return, it was given back!
"And now you see. I am a legacy which cannot be used to destroy. As all memories are harvested, they are also given creation." it explains as suddenly she feels singular again! It... Was a strange feeling after being part of one mass... Before she could even think to respond or act, she was nudged forwards as it tells her it had one more thing to show her...
----
As they arrive she finds several doors before her; ones that reminded her of when she got her memories back! Before she could ask anything or do anything, she was nudged through the first door, the Red door...
Suddenly she was back at zone one! Back with the Bandits, with the Infected and the Undying! Anger... Anger not her own began to bubble and boil within her! She remembered the pain of breaking her arm, again, and it enraged her! She remembered the bandits asking her to do trivial tasks to earn her their trust, and it enraged her! She remembered that seemingly friendly bandit sending her to that death den called a Casino, and it enraged her!
Finally, she steps out of the red door and all the anger disappears... But she clearly felt different... Next, there was a gold door in front of her... Once again, before she could even think, she was nudged through it!
Glitz, glamour, and gold! Elegance, beauty, and extravagance! These were the words which came to mind as she found herself in the Casino! That beautious den of gambling! For a moment, she was lost to it... Lost to the richness of the air, the luxury of the decor, the sheer pride one felt being able to stand amongst it's refinement! (Two part post.)
Rikku Takanashi
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Beejoux
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 7:00 pm
Liam Johnson - Emotions
This wasn't what he wanted. Or at least...he thought...or didn't? Understanding didn't bring peace. If peace was even obtainable if you held no concept of emotion. There wasn't time to mule this over, to form any sort of opinion, before he was being nudged along. And there, in front of him, the doors.
He remembered. He remembered the relative peace of the University shattering in the wake of an explosion as they ventured out to investigate a mysterious transmission. He remembered the pain of the shrapnel through his leg, the fear when he and Austin had found the bodies, the anger at Harvard. He remembered a kiss with Harper, and the way her touch had made everything else fade away.
Next is the casino, and though there was desperation and fear, there had been hedonism as well. A certain disregard for life that had come in the form of indulgence. Jealousy as well, a flash of anger, and then fear again.
The next door looms large before him. White and stark, he dreads it opening, and yet, the emotions that pour forth from within are the most familiar. Insecurity, anxiety, confusion. They are like an old song. Lyrics long forgotten, but the melody remains. They are familiar in a way that is bittersweet, that makes him want to reach out and draw them to him. He recalls the fog, the fever that blossomed upon his arrival and how long and hot it had burned in him. The infection that had twisted his thoughts and led him astray. Austin... The press of a towel against his back before an arm loops around him from behind, the blonde's voice a low rumble in his ear. He remembers the leads, what they'd become, and how they had banded together to save them. He remembered fear, and terror, and hope. He remembers the white door best of all.
A girl, dark skin and freckles. Small, with blonde and pink hair. He can see her looming over him. She saved him.
Violet is confusing. A conflicting tug between two sets of emotions. Realities existing at once. He turns away from it.
He doesn't remember the sixth. Blackness, then nothing.
Green he remembers. It holds everything that he was, everything that he is.
And now there's a choice to be made. To remaining, giving up a little to hold onto everything he had ever known or loved. Or, moving forward, and retaining what the doors have shown him. Memories, good and bad, but all important. Experiences gained, trauma and comradery, pain and suffering as well as love and contentment. They were precious to him. So very precious, but they were only memories. Only a small few in a collection of many. A whole life time of knowledge gained.
He didn't want to cease to be. He didn't want to give up everything for something so small, no matter how important. He didn't want to give up himself.
"Emotions," he finally whispers, torn, but resolute.
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 7:17 pm
Memories
It was time.
He had expected to feel sadness and regret, and yet he was calm.
There was no running from the truth, and so he slipped back into the matrix, becoming one with the rest.
- - -
He stared at his other self, not quite a reflection, but the other half.
'What is it like to experience emotions?'
He smiled, recalling joy, sadness, pain, bitterness. And Love.
“It's what makes us human.”
- - -
'Then you will die.'
“Only to this world. But these memories will remain.”
Part of him knew he could not go back to not knowing. What lay beyond knowledge and the truth? What was his new purpose?
The two halves came together, and in that moment was heartache.
But his choice had already been made.
He would remember, for all of them.
Zyphiris
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 7:30 pm
(Second part of my post!)
Eventually, a scream from a nearby woman as she was being dragged away reminds her that pride was dangerous! Finally, she remembers it! The collar, the gamble for her life, the fear and anxiety! Suddenly, the glitz and glamour wasn't so appealing...
As she steps out from the gold door she couldn't help but shiver... Pride, glamour... Gold... It could be dangerous if misused... She felt even more different now... And soon, before she could even fully process the gold door, she was nudged through another door... A door which felt intrusive just being near it... A white door!
Suddenly there was fog! Fog everywhere! Fog so deep and thick that she couldn't even see a foot in front of her! It was cold... Isolating... Scary... She was alone... Even when around others, like the people at the camp fire... Or even Mike, Matilda, and Sereva... She was... Alone... Sadness, Paranoia, Pain... That's all this fog ridden hospital held... Danger, mistrust, guilt... Guilt... She never had been able to save that woman from the Casino... She'd all but promised her she would... And yet... She didn't...
As she leaves the white door she felt quite different... Next was a blue door. She was quite eager to push the emotions from the white door behind her and needed no nudging to walk through the next one!
The blue door was quite different, quite different indeed! She was on the highway with the mouse girl Camilla! She remembered what little time she spent awake, but moreso, she experienced the mouse girl's memories! As she combed through the memories she instantly she finds herself emersed in a fascinating and magical world! This "halloween world"! It was... Amazing! And it explained a lot about the mouse Ghoul... Err... Girl. Soon, she found herself longing to meet the girl... She watches as Camilla did everything she could to try and help rescue her... Even feeding her... As she felt the memories wind down, she couldn't help but be happy she repaid the favor... Camilla could live... And maybe... She'd remember her...
Almost reluctantly, she leaves the blue door to face a violet one. She felt ever more different. No nudge was needed as she steps through the Violet door.
This door was similar to the last, and yet, quite different! There were two hers... Two Ellies... One made of vines in the tower, and one struggling to survive outside it. Both felt different things, both acted different... The vine her had come to mostly accept her fate... To accept that she was to be apart of Creation... Accepting it had brought her peace... For a time... Jeff's words on choice had fractured that peace as she wondered... Did she really have a choice...?
Her body outside the tower had been determined to keep surviving! To not give up! She helped fight a plant monster to protect the Mall. She searched for the mouse shadow who helped her so much... She fought the invisible horse TWICE and lived! It was sad... Sad to know that despite her efforts, she still was succubing to the infection...
As she leaves the Violet door, she feels quite different indeed! The next door was black... There was something about it she didn't like and it took a nudge to send her through it... However, it felt like just as she stepped in, she steps out! H-huh? she thinks in confusion as she couldn't remember what happen inside... For a brief moment, she turns to look at the mysterious black door before finally being nudged towards her last door... A Green door...
She knew this would be the end to her journey... But she didn't want it to end sadly. And so, bravely, without nudging needed, she steps through the green door!
----
The green room was simple... At first she saw nothing but... Herself... Wait! Herself?! No, not just herself, her memories! "W-What is it like?" they ask before suddenly the room explodes into memories! Everything she'd just seen, everything she'd yet remember! All swirled around her, clawing at what little was left of her, until they all became outright intrusive! Finally it occurs to her, neither of them would ever be complete again...
Eventually the storm of memories stop as her replica asks her another question... "W-what is it like to feel Emotions?" she asks solemnly... At first, the question catches her off guard causing her to stumble over it... What is it like? "E-emotions... A-are a lot like M-memories..." she begins before explaining further. Unfortunately, her replica didn't seem to understand... "D-do these E-emotions dictate your choices?" it asks finally.
A longing, deep and true, begins to run through her! She longed... To say yes! Suddenly, a myriad of feelings rush through her as she feels a bit like she once was! As they fade slightly she feels disappointed, and yet... Happy... Happy she got to feel so much just then! "Y-yes..." she whispers finally with a smile!
The smile didn't last as the replica still seemed confused... It didn't understand... But... Why?
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 8:17 pm
They lied: it wasn't a fade to white or black, but to blue, red, gold, purple, green. Memories upon memories upon emotions upon emotions. And at the end of it, scoured and clean and split and burned and twisted together--even when faced with two forms, even when forced through seven doors, even when she now knew she was no longer wholly human, it didn't break Lieutenant Adelaide St. Pierre's spirit.
It was never a question of what was better. Let it take her memories. Let her forget that she had ever doubted her sons would still be alive. Let it take the pain of separation away. She would do better this time. She had to.
"Won't get rid of me that easy, sorry," she grumbled as she chose emotions. For without them, what would she be?
medigel
Anxious Spirit
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medigel
Anxious Spirit
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 8:22 pm
She hated being divided again. What the collective offered her was more security than she had ever felt--more than in the Apartments, more than even in her own family. It was a certainty she could put her whole trust in--her whole being, quite literally.
Taysia all but begged Creation to make of her what it would. She was nothing as she was now and hardly ever had been, but perhaps this second chance to be someone--something--was the blank slate she needed to finally be at peace with herself.
Her emotions had only ever set her on the course of trouble when they flared up, always anxious, always wary, always suspicious, always doubting. She would always carry her memories as a means of penance, and guide as she best could so that someone else wouldn't fall as she had.
At least it wasn't that much different from being digitized. The nothingness was welcoming after weeks of nothing but fear, hunger, and strife, and she embraced it like it was her father.
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 8:30 pm
(Unexpected third part to my post... I'll lump it in with the second part when I can...)
"W-why struggle when a-accepting gives you more?" The replica asks before suddenly the roles are switched!
She was Memories and the Replica was Emotions! She understood now... Why her Memory self couldn't understand Emotions... She felt... Numb... Hallow... Empty... What had been peaceful before... Was now lonely and cold... Yet... There was a strange sense of peace... She knew Creation's purpose and she knew her own... She felt no desire to fight it, no desire to struggle... Why struggle when accepting gives you more...? She couldn't answer that now as Memories... It all felt so... Natural... Memories leading to memories...
"A-and what purpose w-would you have?" her Emotion replica asks in a whisper. "Y-you will be used o-over and o-over again w-without ever making your own c-choices..." they continue solemnly... "I-I am making choices" she replies in a even tone. "B-by doing so, I am h-helping others f-far more then I-I could ever h-help myself." The words were naturally stuttered yet came out with neutral conviction. "T-then you will die..." her Emotion replica replies softly...
"N-no... Nothing that simple... W-we will be ageless, t-timeless... P-part of a greater w-whole... W-we will a-always have purpose." she explains, but her Emotion replica seems unconvinced... "I-I'm afraid..." she says softly as fear creeps into her voice... Suddenly, uncertainty creeps into her... "I-I am m-myself." the Emotion replica says finally with conviction! "S-so am I... W-we are b-both at the c-crossroads... W-we must make a c-choice..." she says softly. "W-what happens i-if we remain?" the Emotion replical asks. "W-we will become powerful. W-we may save c-countless lives, r-raise c-countless empires." she explains neutrally. "A-and if w-we leave?" The Emotion Replica asks. "W-we will b-become weak, w-we will be b-bound to time a-and will d-die. B-but, w-we will b-be as w-we were." she explains in the same neutral tone.
The time to decide was now! Suddenly, two become one as Memories and Emotion come together to make this choice! She could feel... She could remember... For a brief moment... She felt whole again... And yet... She knew it wouldn't last... She needed to choose... Emotion... Or Memories... Those were her choices...
Her first option, Choosing Memories... If she stayed... She could become something more... She could help someone in a way she never could on her own... Maybe... Maybe she could help Camilla! For a brief moment, the Dormouse girl flashes through her mind... But this flash, while first bringing a smile, soon brings a frown... She saw the girl's memories... She knew her... Camilla... She would be devastated to learn that the human she tried to save... Gave up on life to help her...
Also, what was life without Emotion...? What satisfaction could she feel... If she couldn't feel anything at all...? Would her purpose really mean anything if she was simply a tool for another...?
That brought her to her second option, Choosing Emotion... If she left, if she returned to how she was... She'd be weak... She'd be bound by time, destined to parish one day... But... Why couldn't she do great things as a singular being...? Why did she have to be immortal to do big things...? Why couldn't she do grand things in the time she had?
She wouldn't be powerful... But she'd have freedom of will... She wouldn't live forever... But, she could make enough connections that her legacy might live on... As a tool, she would be nothing more then a object... And objects weren't always used for good... Not that she didn't trust Camilla, it was just, she could do good... But she could also do bad... The choice... Was out of her hands... But as a singular being... As something... Alive... She could make her own choices! She could choose what she wanted to do instead of being subject to someone else's will!
And maybe... Maybe if she were alive... She could meet the girl who tried to save her... Become friends with her... Wouldn't that make Camilla happier then just having some tool instead...? The answer was clear as was her choice! She'd fought so hard to live through those seven days! She couldn't just give up now!
Smiling softly, Ellie looks back at the green door behind her for a moment... Memories were not the side she belonged with, Emotion was her destined path! She could make new memories if she kept living! Yes, she would forget Camilla, Mike, Matilda, Sereva, Kari, and Kimberly... But, if she lived, she could meet them again! Make new, richer memories with them! She could let go of these memories... They were just a small piece of her own greater whole! A piece she could refill! A piece she would refill!
And so, with a happy and determined expression, Ellie turns away from the green door and begins to walk away! As she does, she could feel the memories fading... "G-Goodbye..." she says softly without looking back.
The walk through doors showed Alex many things. Anger, Grief. Betrayal and sorrow. Protection. Regret.
Emotions that were created by memories and memories that were created by emotions. It was hard to look at them as different, and yet, as he came to the green door...they were.
For in front of him, was the memories. The once was, the once who. The one who would remember board games and Brie and Sho and October and why they made him happy.
But the emotions in him said that wasn't all. He could have none of those memories and still share the emotions. Emotions were what Alex was.
It was what he chose.
"Goodbye." he said, and then faded.
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:09 pm
Austin Elswood >>> Emotion
He stands staring at a reflection of himself, offered a choice that is greater than him: greater than the seventy to a hundred years he might live on this planet, if he's lucky, better than the petty romances he might have, the conquests, the possessions. Greater even than the career he has planned, the schooling he has yet to finish, the kids he plans to birth and introduce to the world, the legacy he has had planned since well before he hit what counts as adulthood. Austin is offered, in a breath, the opportunity to become something eternal, important and unusual and special --
And for not a moment, not even a breath, does he consider it a possibility.
He is offered an opportunity to give up a mortal life, to become something dead and useful: a pawn to be used in a greater game, a playing piece on a board that merely reacts to the directions it is offered. The choice is between life and not life, and nothing that the memory half of him says convinces him that he'd become anything more than a glorified PA. Human to smartphone in sixty seconds -- and while he'd be a really badass smart phone, it's simply not the same thing as moving forward with a life.
"We live fast, and hard, and then we burn out," one part of him says to the other, standing with his head cocked and his brow furrowed. Metaphorically, perhaps.
"You die young, or you could live forever," the other replies, neutrally and without any kind of personality, any kind of caring, reciting the line unhesitatingly. A robot, essentially.
And for a moment, Austin actually goes quiet, considering that possibility, the world thrumming at the edges of his senses -- the past month in stark relief, the sensation of almost dying, the memories of lost time and dangerous encounters. These sit in stark relief against the opposite, the moments stolen here and there, the rough thrill of human interaction, even when it wasn't entirely possibly. The pounding of alcohol in his system, the riskiness of pushing a game just a little too far, challenging someone stronger than you.
When he finally speaks, it comes with a cocky edge behind it, "And what if I want to do both?"
He is not willing to accept that death is an inevitability. He's not willing to give up the shot of happiness out of a fear of sorrow. And above all else, he's not willing to believe that, in any situation, he might come out the loser. He doesn't say his choice aloud, but it's clear enough the decision has been reached.
Memories shatter. The last week is gone in an instant, and no part of him can regret the choice.
After all, the part that remembers is unable to feel, and the part that can feel is unable to remember.
The doors again, though this time there was no choice but to go straight forward, to experience each.
Memories and Emotions. Two halves of one whole and neither as substantial alone as they could be together.
Each door opened and closed, giving him that glimpse of what had been, allowing him to feel it all over again, only now with specific emotions emphasized as they hadn't been before.
The colors blurred. Lines blurred. Who he once was and who he could potentially be came into question.
There was a choice to be made here. The choice to live, to survive, to show up where he was expected, to reunite, to laugh and love, but to also forget.
Or the choice to fade and become something more, to be useful, perhaps even powerful, to remember a reunion that had already happened, but to cast his heart, and his life, away.
The options were limited, and his time was short. In a split second, the decision was made.
I'm sorry.
Giuseppe would not give up on his memories.
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2015 10:00 pm
[..::July Slider - Emotions::..]
July felt himself drifting, seemingly endlessly in a sea of emotion. Some was his own, the rest was a countless tide of what others had seen, experienced and felt. Wading through the chain of memories was like standing in a maelstrom. For the first time since the world had ended, July knew a sense of peace and true understanding. He was lead through a series of seven doors, one for each day he realized.
His mind came into focus as another stood with him, this one not like the other half of him that showed only Memories. While some of his memories were beautiful and precious, others were lonely and desolate. Was keeping those more important than going back to Jay? He felt something tugging at his heart strings, calling out to him. If he kept memories, he would not be as he once was. Without his emotions, how could he have experienced those memories as he had? July was not meant to serve or fade into nothing, no matter what Creation would have him believe. Once he'd been given his sense of self again, July clung to those emotions which made him whole. Memories were made of emotion, and could always be built anew.
July gazed first to his other self, for a brief moment he was hesitant unsure what to choose until he heard Jay's voice like a calm weight in the darkness. "I want to live...to be sad, to love, laugh..I want to stay with you too." He didn't want to vanish away into creation, they had themselves out there. July had Believed in what Jeff told them, he could feel it and knew it to be true even if they were suspended here in time for the moment.
"I would also choose emotions..I want another chance." July spoke, a smile on his face. "I want to make a new life with him..and continue this journey together." He spoke with conviction, a fire burning in his soul, his voice was certain now. Yet as he made his choice, he could feel himself fading.
There was a hand, one he knew all too well waiting for him. Reaching for it, July's fingers curved with the other' palm. While July had felt conflicted, there was no doubt now. "Jay..." There was a gentle sound, much like laughter as he squeezed his hand. "Of course I'll follow you." He spoke softly; a swell of emotion filled him as he held on. "Let's go...together." July spoke, as the two vanished together.
They had entered this nightmare together, and by the grace of the fates they would exit just the same.
Hobo Pixi
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Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 3:24 am
⑨♡ [ Caroline fought too hard for her Emotions to ever let herself lose them. ]
Watching the events of her own demise unfold was not very pleasant the second time around.
There had been such a freeing sense of control when she orchestrated it the first time. It was truly like leaving her body behind, existing as a soul who had no constraints left to bind her to one horrid place any longer. Looking back at that life made her feel little more than she would have if she were looking at an insect's empty shell.
This time was nothing like the first. It felt like she had been pulled from one cage to be placed inside another, one small and crowded and unobservant of all the reasons that she deserved to be kept. There was no relief in leaving her one place behind now. There was no empty shell. There was no empty shell because...
With a start, a catalyst of terror and awareness, she realized where the emptiness was. Everything had been right just a moment ago. Whole and warm and free, all as it should have been. She had just been feeling exactly what she had been so stubbornly confident that she would never feel again, and she had never wanted for that to be proven true, it was cruel now to prove it.
She didn't need her body back. It wasn't what was important. That much she understood. If she could just reason with this, if she could be allowed to go back to how she was, how they just were.
In a sense, it let her.
Seven doors. Seven rooms. None of it was what she'd asked for.
The last of the doors, green like they had been, was the most disappointing. She found herself staring back at her, yet she only felt alone. Defeated. The longer she succumbed to the despair of it, the more she saw her child in herself. When it ceased inspecting her and finally spoke, she would have sworn that mirror image had two dark braids and a gaze that was cold and impassive. Nothing had changed, but nothing ever had to for her to see that face in the shadows and the corners of her vision.
"What is it like to experience emotions?"
There was an emptiness in each of their chests, and she recognized the shape of it with a slow-dawning dread.
"You can't know. You can't know, because you don't have any love in your--"
And in spite of everything she'd tried to do differently, the pattern she struggled to break, she very nearly told her the very same thing that she had the first time. It was though she'd failed her own test, and each one of them knew it.
"I do not understand."
"I know." She reached to press her hand against that emptiness they now shared, growing sick with the longing of what had once been there. "I know. Maybe you never can. But I hope you will."
"I do not understand," she repeated, mirroring her actions. "Why bother with such concepts when you can be accepted as you are? Why harm yourself this way when you could have so much more? Why sacrifice the power and success in the knowledge that you have earned for one little feeling?"
Then she was the one who couldn't understand, and to help them understand each other, they each became the other one.
It felt more natural than she wanted to admit. It was a part of her that was unmistakably familiar, a part that had dragged her into ruin. It was a part that she tried so hard to forget, that she hid it inside another person.
"This is the best path." It was alien to hear herself this way, in a voice she'd been afraid of. "This is the most logical. There is no more optimal conclusion. You are succumbing to a desire that is both inefficient and improbable, and we are both well aware of the likelihood that you will be alone. It is only rational to opt for the method that provides you with an infinite network of connections."
"You're failing to see the emptiness." Hearing her own words in her own voice when she had not directly spoken them was even more odd. "You'll only find permanence because it enslaves you by stripping your choice from you. Your network of connections is a cage you can't ever be free of. Every day will be the same. Every day will remind you that you are the one who's alone. That no one wants you for who you are. They just want you for what you can do."
"I am making my own choices. They are informed and accurate choices."
"Yes. But who informed you?"
They were both silent. They both knew.
"I need to know that I am fulfilling my purpose. That my pursuit of knowledge is meaningful. Science ensures that I will always have a directive. Emotions cannot promise that I will always be..." It surprised her to taste the bitterness of the word. She wondered how anyone could regard it so negatively, and understood it all the same. "...loved."
"Even if you fulfill your purpose, you'll die. You'll die and you'll die alone. There won't be anyone who cares about you. They will only care about what you left behind."
"That is an unfair assessment. If I fulfill my purpose, then I will be successful. If I am successful, then I will be memorable. If I am memorable, then I am immortal. It is very simple. You do not need to make it so difficult."
The woman across from her began to look distracted and uncomfortable. Though she did not understand, she knew where her thoughts were. The sooner she left, the sooner she could return to where she was supposed to be. Where she could hide in places that she would be found.
"We must make a choice."
"I know."
"I would appreciate if a conclusion could be reached without bringing emotions into it."
She stared. She smiled, just a twitch, but even the slightest of changes was recognizable.
"That was a ********," she laughed, rolling her eyes in disbelief. "I hate you so much."
"No you don't."
"No. I don't."
Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 4:23 am
[memories]
She drifted. But there was a door and she must go through. She did not like it.
While she did not mind the rage… her anger had been justified. She had been blinded. Those things had invaded. She was angry and annoyed at them, frustrated at not going home. She did not like that these doors lead her. But the memory of the door passed and she was lead down anger and annoyance. And disappointment. That day was just a blur of blindness. Why was she so angry now? It was like some of these memories were not her own, some of the emotions not her own. Another door. This one gold and giving her a sense of wealth. That didn’t feel right either. Not for the time. Then has been a struggle but she had bought herself out. She made it out. She had the power.
The machines, in her earliest memoires had been fun, especially since she didn’t have to worry about surviving then. But she felt different. Hubris that didn’t belong. Different.
The next door… her grand children. They would leave her there in the hospital one day. She would not be returning. She didn’t want that ending but she knew it to be true. One day she would go in and never return. She would prefer to die at home. and then there was the undying to deal with, the creeping insanity. It never ended.
She was not alone. There was a cat, a little cat that tried to save her. She had not been forgotten. She was not left behind alone. Her poor cat. Did he make it? Did he remember her? She never even properly thanked him.
And then she realized she was no one but two. Two halves of a whole, no… two wholes operating simultaneously at the same time. One trying to survive, one… something else. Vines and leaves. Her mind drifted. One lived on, got a shot gun, and kept living, kept breathing. She kept trying. Endlessly.
The other had given up, knew that all there was, was memories left. Her grandchildren growing big, and bright. They had survived…. Or maybe they didn’t. their memories were here somewhere too.
And then there was a black door. She entered it, but did not remember. All she knew was she felt different, very different. Fragmented, different and never again the same. The last door opened up.
Memories. She had them, each treasured. A long life, a thousand lives, games, and children and relatives that went before her. Her husband who left before her. She remembered them.
And then there were emotions, joy, to laugh, to feel the long days of loneliness. Every day knowing no one would visit you. No one would come back. One day. They would all be gone too. The fear and longing swallowing you up as your bury yourself. This too she knew.
Those emotions that caused her to bury herself in games and “fun.” They did influence her, and she them. She was scared. What happened if she stayed? She accepted her memories long ago, they were all she had left. But if she didn’t stay… she would simply fade away. If she stayed she could remember. If she could remember. She could help guild the way. All she wanted was a nice tomb stone with Gracie Smith lived here. Maybe a book written after her. Or maybe she could simply stay. And accept. If she gave into emotion, she would last only a few more years anyways. The had long accepted that she would never make it out of this mess. Maybe it would be wiser if she just stayed.
Maybe she could keep her cherished memories. She faded. "Death, you'll have to come for me later. Because I still have work to do."
And she was gone.
OOC
Character's name: Gracie "Granny" Smith Character's faction: Mall Character's journal link:Link Character's survival stats: link BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF MY CHARACTER And older women with greying dark hair. It was dyed but the roots are clearly greying. She is wearing a cruella deville costume.
It's like a movie. Everything he did, every choice he made, every battle he fought and every person he met - all played out before him. All leading up to the crux - a body.. No. That is his body resurrecting without life. And the voice came again and it was right - he did realise, now. He was the life, taken from the body. Something else had been created in his place but it was not.. life. Did that matter? Did he care anymore? Should he?
Red. He is swept into a turmoil. He is seething and can feel his blood boil as if his anger was a literal fire flowing through his veins. Bandits, the infected. Everyone they attacked, everyone they killed. The desperate plea for survival; for hope. Anger at himself for not being strong enough - for cowering when he should have fought. For running when others lay before him. Anger at the infected for even existing - for defying everything anyone knew and shattering his reality - his world.
Gold. He is pulled from red into gold, a wave pulling him through. Dazzling lights, loud noises and the sound of many voices. It's the casino and he remembers his time here. He wanted to hate it - they had been held captive, forced to play for their lives. But when he finally paid himself off he didn't want to leave. It was decadence he'd forgotten in such a short time - a blaring reminder of what it was like to be alive. He swells and he remembers when he felt most alive - his first win. His first five star rating for his restaurant. Reviews that showered him with pride. He'd been wonderful - a true visionary.
White. It was hard to leave the gold door and enter the next - but as he stepped through he felt it was the right thing; that he was being silly, holding onto such visions of grandeur when he didn't even exist anymore. But the revelation of the hospital has him regretting his decision and he is swept into the fog once more - the confusion, the unknown. And then memories of his own flood him - his parents disappointment, the fear of going out on his own, fear of failure. They try to consume him, to keep him in the fog and he claws at them - breaking through illusions of undead and memories alike.
Blue. The fear is gone instantly - was it ever really there or had he just imagined it? Memories of himself fill him and he lets them comfort him like a blanket. Then he notices the familiar face - the green hair and helpful smile. Her memories are there too and they surround him, reassuring him. She is helpful as she promised and he smiled. A favour for a favour - he was always going to be repaying her.
Purple. He didn't want to leave the blue door - the safety and the warmth. It felt as if she nudged him forward though and he went through the next with only a single glance back. It's like playing with his reflection only it's doing the opposite to him when it should be the same. They exist simultaneously without any knowledge of the other. It is strange.
Black. He does not recall the black door - only entering and exiting. Then he is faced with green and it opens and the memories unfold like a flower blooming.
-------------------------------------------------
It was an easy choice to make - he didn't have to think about it. He remembered the blue room; the safety of the memories wrapped around him. HIs and hers. He had clung to his memories during the darkest of times; both trivial and important. He couldn't side with his emotions. They weren't worthy. He'd only felt fear. Disgust. These weren't emotions he wanted to define him. He wants his memories to shape him; he'd forgotten who he'd been and they could remind him. He didn't want to give that up.
