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 Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 11:43 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2012 7:20 am
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Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 3:15 pm
Haven't been doing all the 60 small ways I listed that I wanted to do but I am doing a fair number of them and have found when I don't do a page of morning pages that that day tends to be unproductive. So I'll probably focus on that a bit more. I have been working out a fair bit more as well (if you wanna join me on fitocracy message me for my username - fito has helped me bunches) but my knitting is suffering. Bah. I also learned that I shouldn't walk from my high school to my university when I'm perioding since I wear pads. Hurt to walk so much after that. gonk A switch to tampons may be in order.
The root of Sir's problem came up again yesterday when I went for a visit and all he could talk about was the minor issues we have (or at least what I felt were minor - clearly they're big for him). We had one of our biggest tiffts in a very very long time. I can't remember when it was like that before. He feels we're in a serious serious relationship. Not a "we're serious about each other and may move in together" relationship but one that could actually lead to marriage and kids and us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and bickering and watching grand-children in the yard. It's finally start to hit him that he feels like it may last that long which is bringing out any and all insecurities he has because he's so invested in the relationship. He really doesn't want it to fail and wants to address everything all at once and it's making him panic a bit. He worried that what he felt could be very big things (which to me weren't) would push us apart. I was worrying he was losing interest and was grasping at straws to keep us together through small issues. All weight is off and he even made a comment in passing about something he'd like to have in a future girlfriend when all the stress was sorted out. (sort of like silly gossip that can happen at sleepovers where you'll be like "the legs of so and so celerity and the eyes of so and so - but with a focus on potential shared interests) whee It wasn't quite what I expected but I'm really glad the real reason behind the hurdle has come out so we can address it instead of the reaction. Here I thought it was probably just insecurities. All behavior in communication. Sorry for forgetting that that applies to all age groups Elizabeth.
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:28 pm
Learned today that the throat swelling/irritation (not 100% sure which it was) that I thought was caused by performing oral for the first time may have been a delayed allergic reaction to a shot I got the day before. I have to re-do the shot program 'cause I got the wrong schedule for the one I originally got and today my throat did that "do have some food in my throat/dry pill swallow" feeling. I stayed at the pharmacy an extra ten/fifteen minutes and my pharmacist called me a few hours later to make sure I was okay since I wasn't travelling with anyone. I've never been genuinely allergic to anything so this is weird and I'm unsure if she'll want to continue with giving me the shots. I guess I'll see in a month. She never mentioned not taking them because of this... so yeah. =/
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Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2012 6:50 pm
The person I had a meeting with about my possible school path choices today reminded me of Pettigrew in all but body shape.
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Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 2:17 pm
Dreamed of asking my mom to make me a petticoat for giftmas. Maybe I should do that...
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:44 pm
Loving these yoga videos despite the spiritual/religious tones to some of them. I'm sort of finding ways for it to play into my spirituality as well so that's nice. All relaxing and yay. whee
I'm not sure if there is a video on the scorpion pose or if that's even a part of that sort of yoga or not but someone on fito has it as a part of their bucket list fitness goal items. I really want to get there too now. Seems so... neat. biggrin
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:19 pm
Note to self: don't ask Sir to brush my teeth, even when in a little headspace.
Maybe never mind. The initial joke threw me. whee
[edit again]
Feel silly for having this keep me up but...
I still don't get how Sir can be attracted to me as a straight male if I don't personally identify as female. It's just... physical? My lack of understanding how sex focused attraction works is getting to me. And how the hell does gender even work? It's hurting my head a bit. They don't exist... yet they exist as social constructs or as, uh, self-identifiers that also sort of now don't exist in some western culture - sort of - because "men can do what women do and women can do what men do - any physical differences don't factor in 'cause we're talking about gender... which means there isn't a limit to just two." (Could we even think there is a limit to two sexes? I've never heard of someone with a third type of hormones... or is it a specific mix of the hormones we associate with male and female? How does that work? Are there physical thirds, fourths, fifths, and sixths? I'm pretty sure I read somewhere gender goes to six as we understand it... might have been wiki junk though... does that translate in any way to sex?) There simply is no gender difference in the group I grew up in. My mother made that very very clear - yet she's straight... but that's sex. What the hell does sex have to do with anything anymore? Or ever? What does it feel like to be *trans? Even if I ask I'm not sure "K" could explain it to me in a way I could understand.
My head is hurting worse now. Knitting will only bring more confusion... maybe I should... read Stephen King.
I know I'm going to look at this ramble funny in the morning. I don't think I should be allowed a computer this late. =/
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 7:29 pm
Weird sleep ramble was odd but true for me in some way. I wont edit it. o-o
Sociology saw fit to make it very apparent that society decides my gender based on the roles I take on. Still confusing as ******** though. If a guy goes into a female dominated field he's not labeled with a female gender, but if a woman is in a female dominated field "it's because she's female." So this class has not helped with my personal dilemma. (Then there's the fact that I apparently take on normally male roles at times and female roles at other times - I feel it's fairly evenly divided... But I don't know 'cause I'm not really... objective?) Not that it's really a dilemma... I just see it as an issue since society in its own way seems to demand that we define ourselves in this way and I still have no answer. At 19. When apparently gender is "cemented"/decided by us at 2. Does being raised in a sort of very mostly male environment make the difference for me here? I've never really had a female role model beyond school - but I've always questioned everything so I never really fell into the pattern of "Ms. A does X because she's female" sort of line of thinking. I still don't take things at face value. Confusion continues.
Almost told the class I wasn't female though (when I don't even know is true or not) when we were talking about the baby being raised genderless. Everyone went all "it's not normal - they're deciding things for the child - they're forcing it on it" (yeah, they said "it" - I wanted to beat people with my textbook). Because making them wear dresses if they have a v****a and only giving them trucks if they have a p***s isn't deciding things for them. stare They didn't get it when I pointed it out either. So either I'm missing it (which I do see as likely - I'm not very good at identifying with my own culture apparently) and everyone else there got it or this is a good show for why I tend to dislike most people.
Didn't lose any friends because I'm all question-girl and voice my opinion often and such... so that helps with my social anxiety. I'd say it was a good day despite the... stuff above.
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Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:57 am
Anyone who says you have to know what/how you identify is idiotic. I don't care if it's a text book or a teacher/professor/other authority type, that's freaking stupid. Seriously. I didn't start identifying as genderfluid until I was 22, and I'm still not really certain on my sexuality. I completely get what you're saying and those guys are just being ignorant jerkfaces. It sounds at least similar to a story I read a while back, wherein the parents chose not to lump their kids in with stereotypes and went with neutral-gender things [and letting their kids wear/play with/etc s**t regardless of whether it was for the 'right' gender or not], and I think those parents are pretty damned awesome. Also, I don't know if you like reading stuff or not, but if you do, everyone is gay is pretty phenomenal.
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Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 1:16 am
Here is how I sort it out. Gender is external and influenced by culture. Sex is what is in your pants. I American culture it is a very "female" thing to cook. In French culture it is a very "male" thing to cook professionally. Gender expectations vary widely from place to place, culture to culture. These actions that are gendered, are called gender norms. I tend to hate them. 3nodding
Current culture in America is getting lax in some areas to the social consequences of gender norm breaking. I am wearing pants, and I am female (my sex) and identify as a girl (my gender). 100 years ago I would be socially sanctioned (shunned, made fun of, beaten) for crossing this line. You, do and enjoy things that break gender norms.
":Ms. A does X because she's female" is incorrect. More like "Ms. A has been socialized to like X because she is perceived as a girl". Remember boy and girl toys as a kid?
(toddler to tween toys are EXTREMELY gendered) I had a kitchen play set. My neighbor (a boy my age) had tonka toys. I would steal his trucks and play with them. If the gender norm enforcement was harsher (like say 100 years ago) if I had touched his "boy" toy I would have been punished and pushed back to my kitchen playset. However, that was not the case. We gave the away the kitchen playset, and got tonka trucks of my own (because my mother and father did not put stock in that particular gender norm)
You get a lot of fuss from young toddler boys playing with purses and pink things. Same idea, but this time the social sanction is harsh.
It is also to be said there are more than two genders (boy/girl is a very Western dichotomy) Other cultures have 3 or more "genders" (and with it gender roles). Remember gender is external and caused by culture. Sex is what is in your pants.
Where I am having some issue, I am talking it out with my small group in class, is that I am Cis female (I have a vag, and I identify as a "girl") but I like non gender normative things (fishing, and weapons as a small start). What then is dictating that I am a "girl"? I muddle about that it is some sort of ratio balance between girl and boy gender normative things. I suspect I am dead wrong.
I hope some of that helped.
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Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 8:50 am
Raspberry Flavored Milk Weird sleep ramble was odd but true for me in some way. I wont edit it. o-o
Sociology saw fit to make it very apparent that society decides my gender based on the roles I take on. Still confusing as ******** though. If a guy goes into a female dominated field he's not labeled with a female gender, but if a woman is in a female dominated field "it's because she's female." I think some of this has to do with unpacking sexism when it comes to jobs and stuff. But outside of that there are a couple things- Rosie mentioned the difference between biological sex and gender- but there's also a difference between gender identity and gender expression. Identity is how you feel, expression is what you show others- I'm 3rd gendered, but I express as cis because it is safer. Blackrose_Knight Here is how I sort it out. Gender is external and influenced by culture. Sex is what is in your pants. I American culture it is a very "female" thing to cook. In French culture it is a very "male" thing to cook professionally. I just want to point out that when you add professional to cook- it is a very "man" thing in both countries- women chefs came around after the feminist rights movement started.
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Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 1:28 pm
Esiris I just want to point out that when you add professional to cook- it is a very "man" thing in both countries- women chefs came around after the feminist rights movement started. I realized that when I woke up! sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 6:41 pm
It made me giggle lots so I'm going to share engineer dogs. I miss doggies. Come December I'll be dog sitting for over two weeks so I'm rather excited. I will be forced to exercise regularly. biggrin I don't think I've been outright told I need to fit into some sort of gender but I do feel that way 'cause everyone around me sort of knows where they sit or where they're comfortable. It's awkward for me a lot of the time. I guess it's a part of my "must find myself" phase that I don't think I'll ever get out of. xd It's also sort of communication stuffs too. Labels can suck, but they have uses. =/
Yeah. My parents were sort of that way but not to the extreme of the parents that wont tell anyone the sex of their youngest child - I gravitated to very "girly" clothes but all-gendered toys, often with a "male" focus. I was always playing with tonka trucks (the most bad-a** metal fully functioning ones you've ever seen - I miss them so much and want to get some for my kids biggrin ) and we have pictures of me with a truck and my male cousin with dolls. It was always very free and stuff - which may honestly be adding to my "confusion." That, and gender isn't really very well defined and when it is I tend to find myself not agreeing or not... "seeing?" Marr.
I'll read that, thanks. smile Thanks. I still have troubles with it simply because in Canadian culture - or... more how I was raised I guess? - there is no male or female roles. Yeah, it's probably more how I was raised. xd Things were sterio-typically girly or boyish - mostly because of kids at school - but never referred to as gender specific and I find nowadays, even with things labeled that way, it's not really followed through with (or at least I don't see it that way unless someone is being a jerk) since we're still actively working to break gender role barriers... and the whole multi-culturalism thing here does not help in the slightest. What the culture of my neighbor says is a female role and what the culture of my other neighbor says is a female role can clash pretty harshly and has in the past. I just... don't see it 'cause it doesn't mean anything to me and never really has. I guess. Makes it hard to understand or relate to. Unless other people name what gender the role is supposed to belong to I have trouble identifying where it "should/does" go... which again doesn't work well because there are so many cultures co-existing where I am and because I don't seem to identify with any of the cultures I've grown up around? I don't even know if that's true but I don't seem to agree with any of them or really follow them. Even my mother finds me a tad confusing when it comes to cultural norms so I'm not sure I got them from her... per se. Eh. =/ I've been wondering if my head shape and thus potential difference in brain shape has anything to do with my seeming lack of real understanding of cultural norms here but then I think that's probably a silly reason for the disconnect. Things that are very subjective confuse me way more than they should. /rambles o-o Hmm. I guess... that makes more sense. The expression vs identity. That's been my biggest hurdle with this I think. Maybe I will clear this up for myself within my lifetime. Heh.
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 9:43 pm
Head colds suck. sad Especially with a midterm happening tomorrow.
At least I re-discovered The Midnight Beast. Missed them and didn't even know it. whee
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