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 Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 2:12 pm
 A LETTER TO NO ONEDear Kyo,
It has been some time since I have last seen you; I believe I was only fifteen years old when you left, which means it has been almost nine years.
Nine years is such a long time, is it not? I am nearing twenty-four, and you are nearing twenty-three. We were not so far apart in age, just barely a year and a month, though people often thought that we were twins. The same dark hair, the same blue eyes...
How long ago it all seems.
I still remember you and I sneaking out of our houses as children to go fishing in the dark, trying to convince ourselves that we would be more successful at night. All we got was a lost fishing pole and water up to our waist, soaked through and shivering as we made our way back to our houses, which as you might recall, were side by side. Mother wasn't mad; on the contrary, she was more exasperated, and made me sit outside in my sodden clothes without being allowed to dry myself for at least an hour.
My mother was never one for what one might consider "normal" punishments, after all.
Then there was the talking-to she gave us when we turned ten and chased Master Tozay's daughter around the yard of her house and tried to get her to give us free eggs from her farm. And, of course, the time when we both turned fifteen and decided it was time for the both of us to get a significant other. Aida turned up her nose at me, Ceri threw rat droppings at me head, and all the while Suzuka was fawning over you, since you had convinced her that she was the only one that you loved.
Such a sweet talker at fifteen, weren't you, Kyo? But you didn't marry Suzuka, even though everyone thought you would.
I think about you often; I wonder how you are doing, and how you have been these past eight and a half years. It is a long time to have gone without speaking; I miss our conversations, whispered into the dark and hastily scrawled upon parchment in a form of code that no one could understand but us. When you left, I felt as if a small part of me had gone and could never be replaced.
I have been working for the Legions, as I always have. I have spent many years honing my skills as an archer, and though I have had my rough times (losing the sight in my left eye being one of them, but that is a story unnecessary to tell, since I do not need your worry, nor your pity - I am quite fine, after all), I have managed to make myself out to be a fine archer. I am a Captain now, and I use a crossbow, rather than a traditional bow and arrow; it is much easier to handle, since I do not have the use of my full sight anymore, and it makes shooting much easier. After my injury, my aim took a turn for the worse, and it took quite a bit of practice, dedication, and determination to do what was necessary to achieve the status I now hold. But I am proud to say I have overcome what has been handed to me so far.
And I am getting married, Kyo. Her name is Yue Lao, and she has been a very dear friend of mine for nearly a year now. It was only recently, however, that I realized the full depths of my affections for her, and when it came to light I took a chance and both confessed and proposed to her all in one go. And despite my rather unorthodox method, she accepted. We are are to be married in two days time, under the lanterns of Lunaria.
She is a wonderful person, Kyo; I wish you could meet her. Strong, proud, an excellent fighter, and a beautiful, kindhearted, amazing woman who I wish to spend the rest of my life with.
And I wish you could meet my former lover and closest friend, a man named Bataar Jaoret (yes, a man; I know you are not the type to judge easily, so I am telling you this in full confidence). He is...unusual, to be quite honest, but underneath his somewhat boorish and overly confident nature, he is a genuinely good person. He has a strong heart and he is kind, despite any contradictions or fervent denials on his part, and I think I feel he is slowly growing to be more of a man than he ever was before.
Of course, this is rather difficult to tell with Bataar.
The only differences that have made a wedge in our friendship is the fact that he is a Noble Captain, whereas I am a Legion Captain. It is difficult to maintain this friendship, yes, but I have no desire to end it.
Then there is my other closest friend, a young man by the name of Huang-Fu Lee. I met him a few years back, and he is an extraordinarily able-bodied man, capable of performing his duties quickly and confidently. He is a Fighter; a passionate man who feels deeply and whose wide range of emotions have always gained both my respect and admiration. He and Bataar do not get along, sadly enough, but at least I am fortunate enough to have both of them as friends.
I am a lucky man, Kyo. I have a warm, loving family, parents who support me in whatever it is I do. A fiancee who loves me, and who I love in return. Strong and true friends who I can rest assured have my back, and I theirs.
A very lucky man indeed.
But you are not, are you Kyo? You left so suddenly, so abruptly. It was unfair. Where is the luck when the blade of death slices through your heart, without giving you a spare thought?
I see your death in my head every day. I hear your wordless gasp, remember the way that your eyes lifted to meet mine one last time before they became deadened inside, your cheeks hollow, your skin pale and white and cold, as cold as the air around you.
I see your death, and I remember. I remember all of the times we held together as friends. You and I, Kyo...we were brothers, once. Perhaps not blood related, no, but close enough. I think of your memory, tinged with sadness and happiness and bitterness and the loss of a life too young and wish you were here beside me as well so that we could share our experiences together, sitting out beneath the balmy night sky strewn with pinpricks of stars.
I remember, and I smile. There are no regrets to be had. Regrets serve no purpose, whereas memories hold everything within their grasp.
One day we will meet again, Kyo, and we will sit outside and talk of our lives. And we will remember.
And we will smile.
Yours,
Jianyu
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 5:56 am
MOTHER KNOWS BEST"Remind me again why it is that I chose to do this?"
"Because you're getting married in two days time."
"And that implies being submitted to - ouch!"
Qian Ehuang gave a particularly hard tug on the sash she was attempting to tighten, and Jianyu staggered sideways, trying to breathe properly as his ribs were seized uncomfortably.
Standing in full wedding garb just beside the living area couch, he felt rather like one of his mother's pincushions. Her deft hands moved quickly, poking and prodding and pinning up the areas that needed fixing or trimming. She worked seamlessly (no pun intended, Jianyu thought to himself wryly) as she moved from one area to the next, brows furrowed as she scrutinized her son's clothing.
"It's still a bit too big, I'm afraid," Ehuang said, giving a slight frown and a a single shake of her head. "I'll probably have to take it in on the shoulders a bit..."
She moved around behind him and tugged hard on the fabric across his chest. Jianyu nearly toppled sideways.
"Mother!"
"Sorry, dear," Ehuang said distractedly, not sounding sorry in the slightest. She crossed her arms across her chest, walking around Jianyu in a slow circle as her gaze raked up and down the long, elaborate tunic and pants Jianyu was clad in, as if the clothing were missing some crucial aspect and she was attempting to gauge just what it was. Finally, with a small sigh, she said "I think we're finished for today."
Jianyu made a small noise of relief, starting to collapse onto the couch, but Ehuang's hand shot out, gripping his upper arm. "Excuse me, but I did not just spend three hours working on your wedding outfit only to have you mess it up by sitting down," she sniffed, giving him a stern look. "Kindly go change. I'll make us some tea and have the servants prepare an early lunch."
Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Jianyu left the living area, moving back to his bedroom. He carefully removed the top, folding it neatly and carefully and set it on his desktop where he looked down at it for a few moments, running his fingers gently over the cool silk. However, his pants followed them, and soon Jianyu was dressed in a simple pair of pants a short sleeved tunic he normally wore to tattoo in. In this particular outfit, the newly done hawk tattoo on his right upper arm and shoulder was clearly visible, the skin around it finally having healed enough to remove the bandages.
He went back out, heading for the kitchen, where he found Ehuang standing at the stove, pouring water into the kettle placed there. Jianyu slid into a seat at the small table, folding his hands together, and a moment later Ehuang joined him.
"It'll be ready in a few moments," she told him, and smiled. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, broken only when Jianyu, suddenly curious (though he did not really know why), said "Mother...how did you and Father meet?"
Ehuang gave a laugh. "Do you not remember? You used to ask me that all the time when you were a child. It was one of your favorite stories."
Nonplussed, Jianyu shook his head, his brows raising. He could not remember ever asking his mother this question, just as he could not remember ever asking his father the question of why he had left the alliance. But Liwei had not said Jianyu had ever asked him before, so Jianyu had assumed that it had been the first time, after all.
Ehuang's laughter was gentle. "Well, then," she said. "Your father and I met...well, let's see, it was many moons ago, of course..."
"I knew you were old," Jianyu said innocently, and Ehuang shot him a look, eyes twinkling, before continuing.
"I was the daughter of a prominent local baker. Lunaria's wars had only just begun then, so it was particularly dangerous. There was constant rioting in the streets, houses set on fire at random, all very scary things. But my father was neutral; he had decided instead to remain neither Noble nor Legion, stating it was none of his business what either side decided to do to the other. A tad naive, perhaps, but he was a good man, and people respected him.
"When I was sixteen, I apprenticed my father in his trade. He taught me how to smooth the bread, to beat it just right, get the mixture the thickness it was supposed to be. Not a particularly difficult trade, but a tedious one, and one day I found myself covered in wheat and flour from near head to toe.
"So I decided to go out back to wash. While I was there, however, attempting to scrub all of this white and brown powder from my face and clothing, I heard a commotion out front. Only half finished with my washing, I made my way back up to see what the matter was. I found my father in front, along with a group of raucous Legion men, all of whom appeared to be Fighters, perhaps maybe a bit older. They were harassing my father, telling him that they deserved free sweets and cakes because of their status, and when he politely refused, they began to toss out insults."
Ehuang stood as the teapot began whistling shrilly on the stovetop. She moved over, tending to it as a servant girl whisked in, quickly and neatly setting two cups and saucers on the tabletop before disappearing back into her part of the kitchen to finish preparing lunch.
"Well, now, I couldn't have men mocking my father now, could I?" Ehuang said with a smile as she poured the tea into their cups. "So I decided to help him out. I grabbed a bag of flour, opened it, and threw it wholeheartedly at the men."
Jianyu nearly choked on his tea, sputtering with something like amusement and surprise. "What happened after that?" he asked. Ehuang gave only a shrug, but her eyes danced with mischief.
"Well, see, I was only sixteen, so I'm afraid my aim was a little off. I managed to cover not only the men, but also my father, and myself with the flour. The whole front of the bakery looked as if it had snowed indoors, and dusty clouds of flour were sort of floating around. For a few moments, nobody spoke, and all of them just stared at me, this girl damp with water, the flour sticking to her skin in odd patches because of it. Then, after a bit, a young man stepped forward, placed both of his hands on the table, and said, quite seriously, 'I think we might need to apologize, boys.'. Then he looked at me, gave a wink, and added - rather cheekily, I might add - 'Unless we want to face the wrath of the baker's daughter again.'"
Ehuang shook her head at the memory, affection clearly evident in her voice as she said "It was Qian Liwei, of course, and after they had all said sorry and we had laughed about it, my father gave them all free business. They came by frequently after that, but none so frequently as Liwei, who seemed to have taken a greater amusement at my flour-covered appearance than the rest of them, since he kept teasing me about it. After several weeks, however, he asked me if I would accompany him to dinner. And I accepted, and, well..." She gave a little shrug. "There you have it."
Jianyu took a sip of his tea, grinning. He had not remembered that story from his childhood, but he could almost see the meeting in his mind - his mother's fiercely stubborn "assistance" to her father, Liwei's roguish smile as he teased her, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Despite their rather unorthodox meeting, Ehuang and Liwei worked together in a way that was unmatchable by anyone around them. Their connection was strong, unbreakable, and unshakable, their loyalty and dedication to one another absolute. They worked in tandem, not needing to communicate with words all the time, and each one complemented the other.
Jianyu only hoped he and Yue would be half as happy as his parents were.
"Now you, my dear," Ehuang said, poking a finger at her son's chest as the servants arrived with lunch; an assortment of sandwiches, fruit, and vegetables was laid out in front of them. "And what exactly are you going to say when your future children ask you the same thing? You are going to tell them that their parents met drinking."
"We were not drinking," Jianyu responded primly, picking up a sandwich. "We were merely wine tasting. There is a difference."
Ehuang snorted. Jianyu caught her eye.
Then, both of them laughing, they settled down to eat.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:29 am
DUTY LOGSFULL NAME: Qián Jianyu
CURRENT AGE: Twenty-three years old.
CURRENT RANK: Captain.
COMMANDING OFFICER: General Hyung-Lee Eun of the Fourth District of Legionnaire Forces.
MISSION: To find and capture the men responsible for kidnapping a prominent family of Legionnaires - the Saito family, which includes Saito Tooru (father), Saito Mizuki (mother), Saito Kaname (daughter), and Saito Yukio (son). Saito Mizuki, Kaname, and Yukio were all taken. Saito Tooru was not.
MISSION SUCCESS: Successful capture of the Nobles responsible.
MISSION DETAILS: I was summoned to my senior officer's quarters early on the morning of the twenty-fifth of this month. He told me that there had been a kidnapping recently of a family loyal to our cause; mother, son, and daughter had all been taken from their home late the previous night, and their father beaten and left for dead. I was given the task of discovering who it was that had taken the family and to retrieve them as soon as possible.
I set out that afternoon to the house of the Legionnaires. The father was still in the temple to be healed, but I had visited him briefly and he had given me permission to enter his home. Upon the premises, I discovered barely any evidence left over, save for a few small things. The door to the home was not broken in any way, which implied two things: either the men entering were friends of the family who they had thought to trust, or they had come in through a different route. In the kitchen I found a window that had been carefully removed, which gave support to the latter theory.
There were bloodstains on the carpet in the main living area, a particularly large one by the front door and smeared across the wall; no doubt where they had left the beaten father after taking his family. No signs of other blood elsewhere in the house suggest the family is perhaps a little shaken, but otherwise uninjured, at least upon their removal from the house.
Further investigation revealed that the armoire in the bedroom to the left of the bedroom had been knocked over, spilling its contents to the floor. From a quick glance at them, I have surmised that the room belongs to the daughter, and she lashed out as she was being taken, struggling so furiously that she managed to put up quite a fight.
After my examination of the house, I went back to my own home to look over the papers detailing the disappearance. Saito Tooru is a prominent figure in assisting the Legionnaires, supplying them with food and supply when it is needed. He is a strong man, respected and well-known, and this attack is not thought to be personal, but rather a warning to the Legionnaires from the Nobles.
I made a list of possible enemies that the Saito family might have incurred, and after this I began to research each one thoroughly. From a list of about twenty or so, at least eleven had strong, unbreakable alibis for the night which the three members of the Saito family were taken. Four more were already deceased, two were in prison for various petty crimes, and one was a mistake. This all took several days to discover - around two weeks - as I had to personally visit each man or woman under many different guises in order to move without alerting the person(s) responsible.
The last, however, was a man named Kygo, for whom a long lasting hatred had formed between he and the Saito Family. Saito Kygo is Saito Mizuki's cousin, and also a well known member of the Noble Retainers. On the night of the Saito kidnapping, he claims that he was inebriated at the Ichi-Koi Inn and Bar, but after interviewing the owner, as well as several patrons that were around that night, none could remember him. After further inquiring of Saito Kygo's whereabouts, impressing upon him the importance of his answers, he attempted to flee, throwing knives over his shoulder as he darted through his house. However, I had thought of this method previous, and had ordered a series of men to form ranks at each side. The house was surrounded, and he had no place to go. After his capture, angry and defiant, Saito Kygo finally spat out an admission of his guilt, revealed where he had hidden the hostages, and proceeded to stab himself in the stomach following this, bleeding to death very rapidly. It seems he would rather die than be in the hands of a Legion army.
We retrieved Saito Mizuki, Kaname, and Yukio from where they were stowed - a hidden basement in Saito Kygo's home - and though they were all quite frightened, they were otherwise uninjured. Saito Kaname reports that Saito Kygo had intended for Saito Tooru to come find his family, after which he would have killed them all as a sign to the Legionnaires that they were weaker and would not win. Unfortunately, we cannot prove this, as Saito Kygo's death prevented us from learning much more.
Saito Mizuki, Kaname, and Yukio were reunited with Saito Tooru soon after.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:11 pm
A LETTER TO NO ONE - PART TWODear Kyo,
So here I am, writing to you again. I'm not entirely certain as to why, seeing as how you can't read this. But, then again, perhaps you can. I do not know what I believe of the afterlife, after all. All I know is to respect the souls of the dead, and I respect you, my dear childhood friend.
It is...different, being a Legion Captain. Sometimes I worry that I will not be able to provide for my future wife, my future family that I someday wish to have. Both of us fight for the same side, yes, and that is a good thing, but the point is that we both fight. Our lives our dangerous; we cannot guarantee our own safety one hundred percent. Lunaria is constantly at war, after all.
You knew that, though - the Noble Retainers who killed you showed no remorse when they thrust that blade into your chest and through your heart.
Is it...odd...that I cannot hate them, though? Not truly; though there are times when I wish more than anything that the Nobles would just surrender so that Lunaria may be at peace, but I have never truly hated the Nobles for what they do, not as a whole. Individual ones, such as one or two I have encountered personally, yes. But not the faction as a whole.
Why is this, do you think, Kyo? Why can I not loathe, despise, want to extinguish forever the alliance that is responsible not just for your death, but for the deaths of many of my other comrades, as well as the loss of vision in my left eye? I should want to massacre them, and yet...I do not.
Sometimes it feels wrong.
Other times I feel as if my lack of hatred towards the Nobles is a step in the right direction.
Which is the right path to go?
It is confusing, Kyo, and I often wish that you were still here for me to talk to. I have people that I may confide in easily, of course - Yue, Huang, Bataar, my future wife, and my two closest and dearest friends, all of which whom I would give my life for and who I trust implicitly with the things I confide to them - but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like should you have survived that night.
I have no regrets, of course. I told you in my last letter that I feel they serve no purpose. And I am truly happy with who I am as a man and where I stand and who I am standing with. I only wish that you, Kyo - you who died too fast and too young - were standing here with me, to share these moments with me. Here to listen as Bataar and I bicker with each other about one thing or another for the four hundred and thirty-fourth time; here to see Huang's tiny, delicate, and intricately made glass hawk that he gave me to symbolize his loyalty towards me. Here to hear his laughter when he speaks, for Huang's passion is but a small portion of how good a man he is.
Here to watch as Yue Lao and I are joined together in marriage for now and forever.
But maybe you are. I cannot say for certain whether or not you are.
Are you, Kyo? Are you here, in this world, quietly walking among us, or are you out of it completely?
If you are here, I could certainly use some of your guidance, old friend. Like that time that I decided to get a new tattoo, but you talked me out of it and told me that it would hurt too much and that it would make my skin look raw and red?
And then I changed my mind and went and did it anyway, and was in pain for a solid week, my face swelled up like a rather disfigured and lumpy pear.
You could have laughed, you know. Could have told me what an idiot I was, could have teased me for not listening to your advice, could have said "I told you so" so very easily.
But you didn't. Not one word of mocking escaped your lips. Instead, you sat by my bedside the entire time, and made me soup, and read to me aloud from one of your mother's books.
My father, on the other hand, was amused for days. He would not let me live it down, if you recall.
(Sometimes he still gets a laugh out of remembering this.)
You remember those times, don't you, Kyo? You remember the laughter, and the mischief, the pain, and the sadness, the anger and the happiness, and everything in between?
After your death, I decided that I didn't want to smile again.
I forgot so easily how to laugh.
It was Yue Lao who saved me that time. Bataar, as my first lover, started the change. He helped me, probably more than he realized, how to live my life again. For the first time in a very long time, I was happy.
At least until it ended.
But it was Yue Lao who pulled me from the real depths of where I truly lay, swallowed in self loathing, anger, and frustration at the things that I could not change, that would forever be the way they were. Yue Lao, who pulled me up and out, and into something I had never thought I would ever live to be in.
One day you'll meet her, won't you, Kyo? I hope you'll wait for us; watch over us, and our children, and our grandchildren, until we can finally meet again.
And if you can hear me - see me writing this letter - because again, I am not certain if you can or not - I hope you'll be at my wedding.
Be at peace, my friend.
Jianyu
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:55 pm
CATCHING UPMy dear journal, I realize I have been neglecting you all of this time. It has been a while, and so much has happened that I dare not try and write it all down in one sitting, so I suppose I had better start with the obvious.
I am getting married.
Abrupt, I know. It was very nearly as much as a shock to me as it was to the person to whom I proposed - namely my closest, dearest friend Yue Lao. I realized about a fortnight and some ago that I had, in fact fallen in love with her. It seems rather sudden, but to be honest, I have the distinct feeling that I have always been in love with her. Never aware of my real feelings, or if I had been, I pushed them aside easily, disregarded them as nothing more than a childish whim. I think a part of me did not think I deserved that much, deserved her, but yet another part of me had stubbornly refused to see Yue Lao as anything other than a close friend, a sister figure, even.
And yet...and yet I know now that deep in my heart, I never once thought of her as a sister. I created that illusion as a guise, an excuse to not go down that path again because I was too afraid of what might happen if I did. Bataar's betrayal of my heart, as well as my own lack of self-awareness and my admittedly weak knowledge of such things prevented me from wanting what I had always subconsciously desired.
Except that night in my room, as I sat staring at the pages of my notes from a mission that I had received...I knew I was missing something; something very crucial to my success, and simultaneously what fell into place along with that was the missing piece to my own personal dilemma that I had not even known I had.
And so I thought. Paced the room. Scrutinized every little thought, every little minute detail. I wanted to make absolutely certain of my own feelings, make sure that I was not mistaking them for anything else. To put everything down on the line only to find out that it had not been real in the first place would have been a very grave situation indeed, but to my relief - and slight anxiety - I discovered that they were not, as I had feared, unreasonable. I was not mistaken in how I felt about the friend who had managed to change me into the man I am today without even knowing she had.
It was then a conundrum of whether or not I should merely confess, or propose marriage. I suppose I could have confessed; taken it slow, given Yue Lao some time to process things, but it is not in my nature to go slow when there is an opportunity to advance further without serious repercussions. Not only that, but since I had known all along of Yue Lao's affections for me (though I had stubbornly denied them internally), I felt it ill advised to leave her in pain for much longer.
So I proposed. At the top of Cherry Tree Hill, where one can see the whole of Lunaria from beneath the gnarled, aged branches of the beloved tree, I asked Yue Lao to become my wife. There was a brief moment - a very brief moment in which I had thought her to be upset, since she started crying, but her tears were happy ones, not sad ones. And she accepted me immediately, saying that she had always loved me.
It took me so long...why had it taken me so long to realize this, to realize that holding this woman, this beautiful, strong-minded and strong-willed young woman, in my arms was what I had been waiting for all along? It is strange to think that I had tried to deny my own feelings, since now that I have opened them I wish that I had done so earlier so that I could have felt the way I do now. But I think a part of me was scared - perhaps irrationally so, but scared nonetheless - that something would happen - a repeat of my former lover, perhaps - but that is no excuse.
However, it is in the past now. Yue and I are to be married next week. The rapid timing certainly lifted a few brows, but neither of us wish to wait much longer to be wed. I count the days until I am allowed to be her husband and wake up to her every morning, to see her face as the sun's rays glow upon her cheek, dance over her closed eyes.
It is a strange thing, is it not? That I, of all people, am getting married. But although it all seems very fast, like the world is spinning rapidly to accommodate for the speed, I hold no regrets, nor anxieties over marrying Yue Lao.
On the contrary, I have never felt so at home and at peace than I do right now.
One week, journal. Just one and then everything will change.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 11:29 pm
DANCE LESSONSMy mother discovered something quite appalling to her this afternoon:
I am a terrible dancer.
This is apparently horrifying to her. Once she had told me that after the official wedding ceremony of Yue Lao and I takes place, that it is customary for the bride and groom to attend to the first dance together. It is not only a symbol of their union together as one, but also the first thing that the couple does as a married pair. It is a long standing tradition, one that I had honestly forgotten about, since I have been so preoccupied with my current missions and preparing for the wedding that is to take place within a few days time (it seems so soon, does it not?).
At any rate, my mother set out to show me the proper steps once I had told her that I did not remember the dance she and my father had done at a wedding of my cousin's a few years previous. She took my hand and put her fingers in mine, settled my hand on her waist, and then laid her hand on my shoulder. She stepped forward, showing me which direction to go, then moved with ease back and forth, side to side, as graceful as a swan.
I, on the other hand, apparently have the grace and dexterity of a blustering elephant. I believe I stepped on my mother's feet a good ten or eleven times and bumped into her straight on at least six times before she finally threw up her hands in exasperation and proclaimed me to be "the worst dancer she had ever seen in her time."
That was a tad harsh, if you ask me (I could not have been that bad, honestly), but then again, Mother has never been one to mince words. Trust her to always tell you the truth, even when you do not want to hear it. It is our choice to accept whether or not to believe her words, but in my mother's case, I'm afraid she is almost entirely right all the time. It is quite maddening, of course; sometimes I wonder if she is a seer or something else that can predict answers before they are given, understand situations before they are even upon us, but my father just laughed when I suggested this and said my mother is just gifted in her knowledge.
We tried again. This time Mother endured my stepping on her feet nearly thirteen times and bumping into her almost nine times before she whirled away in a cloud of more exasperation, mixed with a mild amusement that she could not contain. Despite her best efforts, her son clearly does not bear the same talents as she does, so she demanded (unreasonably, I might add) that I get someone else to teach me how to dance.
I found this quite ridiculous; I am perfectly capable of teaching myself, after all, and I argued that my sisters would be able to assist me, but my mother, unfortunately, shares many of the same traits as I do, including her nearly irreversible stubbornness. I was resigned to my fate.
Except, of course, that I had honestly no clue as to how exactly I was supposed to find a dance instructor on such short notice. When I made visits to the local theatres, I found that all of their instructors were either unavailable, or did not wish to teach an entire life's worth of dance instructions in one week or less.
I debated complaining to Yue Lao about this; I also debated whether or not to just ask Yue to teach me, but then I realized that it would be quite humiliating to ask my future wife to teach me to dance with her at our wedding. So I did neither of those things, instead widening my search for anyone that could assist me - and then, quite suddenly, on an evening out with Yue Lao, she mentioned her close friend Sara.
I met Sara, surprisingly, a few weeks prior to my proposing to Yue. I did not know they were friends - best friends, by the sound of it, since Yue's eyes glow with happiness and pride every time she speaks of the girl. I do not know her very well, although she seemed pleasant enough when I met with her beneath the cherry tree. Quiet, respectful, with her heart worn on her sleeve. A good, strong young woman, at least as far as first impressions go. I had no idea of whether or not she would be able to help me, but I figured it could not hurt to ask. I sent a letter detailing my problem and asked if she would be willing to help, and lo and behold, she agreed. We are to meet on Thursday afternoon, and Sara will hopefully turn me from a gallivanting buffalo into a swan (or a swan-like creature), as quick and painlessly as possible.
...we hope it is possible, at least.
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:21 pm
I'VE GOT YOUR BACKI feel this particular journal is quite delayed; I cannot believe that out of everything that has happened, I neglected to mention the one thing besides my engagement to Yue that has made me the happiest.
I've made up with Bataar.
It is strange, really. I thought, that after the last horrific meeting we had, where I found Bataar standing over the dead body of a Legion he had just assassinated in cold blood, that our relationship, our friendship, everything we had ever had was over and done with. We are on opposite sides; what we feel bears no meaning on that very basic fact. I should have known from the beginning that a friendship with someone on the opposite side of what I believe in would never work out. If I look back on people like Cais, Araki Youhei - the boy whom I have not seen again in a very long time, but who strangely intrigued and disgusted me simultaneously - I would see nothing but a long line of dislike. Perhaps not hate, though with Cais there is no question of my feelings towards the boy. I have said before that I do not hate the Noble Retainers as a whole; merely, I disagree with what they believe to be right for Lunaria. But the idea of having a friend - and maintaining that friendship - with someone on the other alliance is maddening, when one thinks about it.
But we were both assigned missions up in the Great North unexpectedly. Neither one of us expected to see the other, both having orders to find and seize any members of the opposite alliance. So you can imagine my shock at, when I was in a rather precarious situation horrifyingly similar to the one that blinded me in the first place, finding Bataar to be the one to stop the man attacking me. And Bataar himself not thought that he would ever meet me there.
To be perfectly honest, I had neither expected nor given any thought to seeing Bataar again. Not that I hadn't wanted to; I often found myself straying in the direction of his home multiple times, intent on doing something, perhaps apologizing for how things had ended. But I had always changed my mind at the last moment, swerving off course and going somewhere else instead. I admit that I was too frightened to meet with him; too wary that things would stay the way they were, and that he would no longer wish to be friends with me. So I did not go.
And then, at the most unexpected time, he shows up and saves me from an attacker that would have killed me otherwise - a Noble attacker, I might add; one of Bataar's own men. It was a move I would have never thought possible to happen from Bataar Jaoret, of all people.
(Looking back, I find myself rather irritated that he managed to be a hero once more; why is it that he can always show me up?)
Of course, ten minutes after this rather impressive show of his skills, we ended up squabbling like a pair of garbling chickens and wound up attempting to beat the other up. But it was not a bad thing; in fact, it only set to remind me that Bataar is as he ever was. He has grown, of course; there is a sharpness to him now, a maturity that is slowly (very slowly) beginning to form. I do not know what is causing this change, nor do I wish to, because it is not of me to ask. But at least for that one moment we acted like we always had in the past.
Namely rather stupid, but that's beside the point. I am just pleased that I have managed to repair this friendship with the man I unintentionally got close with these past few years. It makes me feel quite a bit more at ease to know that he does not hate me, nor does he hold any of our previous fights against me.
And I might add, the next time we fight, I will kick his arse if it's the last thing I do.
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kuropeco generated a random number between
1 and 3 ...
3!
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:28 pm
INTRIGUE [ NOBLE VICTORY ]Jianyu had long since learned by now that going out after dark was the most dangerous time for Lunarians. After dark, as the sun slowly fell and the streaks of orange, gold, red and purple melted into blackness and the shadows stretched out endlessly across the houses, the war of Lunaria truly began. It was hidden in these shadows, their spindly fingers sinking into the hearts and minds of each and every member of the Legion and Noble alliances as they fought to defend their beliefs, their stance on where the loyalties of the Lunarian citizens should lie - with the emperor, or with their new rulers, rulers elected by Lunarians. But it was after dark when the best time for spying was, and that was exactly what Qian Jianyu was doing late one Tuesday night.
Perched in a tree beside a prominent Noble's house, he was dressed for reconnaissance this time, rather than be decked out in full armor. A pair of black pants, with a dark, form-fitting, long-sleeved tunic, and a pair of black shoes that slipped on easily and were made for quick movements, fast getaways if needed. His hands and forearms were bound in white bandages that had been dyed black with the ink from his father's storehouse; a protection against the sharp, un-smooth bark of the tree he was currently residing in. His hair was pulled back away from his face in a tight ponytail, the beads quiet and subdued.
Jianyu was not here to kill; on the contrary, his mission this time had been to merely observe. The Nobles in question were a pair of brothers known as Ru and Rai, and both had been suspected of killing a team of Legion scouts while they were working near the marshlands. There had not been enough evidence to support this, however, and Jianyu had been sent to watch them, to gather up the missing pieces.
He had been in the tree for several hours now, with no sign of anything suspicious going on. In fact, from the time he had arrived, just after ten o'clock that night, quietly and stealthily making his way up into the tree he had picked days earlier, Ru and Rai had been doing nothing but talking. They had come in a few moments after Jianyu was situated, having spent the day in training over at the Noble camps. But for the rest of the evening, they had merely sat around drinking, laughing, and showing no signs that they had done anything wrong whatsoever. Jianyu was wondering whether or not they actually hadn't murdered the Legions (he very much doubted this, however), or they were merely acting, waiting for the opportune moment to discuss things, when all of Lunaria was sleeping.
Night drifted on. It was nearing almost three in the morning now, and Jianyu's fingers were beginning to feel cold, the tips a little numb. He blew on them silently, his eye fixed on the window of the house - a clear view into the main living area, where Ru and Rai still sat, casually playing a game of chess.
This isn't helping, Jianyu thought, and he was just about to climb down to leave when one of the brothers got up. Suddenly alert, Jianyu crouched low to the branch, his gaze fixed on the window as one of the brothers moved towards it, sliding it open in time for Jianyu to hear "...dow, will you, it's hot in here."
"Already done," replied Rai, stepping over his brother and disappearing out of sight around the corner. For several moments, nothing happened, Ru absently scrutinizing the chessboard in front of him, scratching his face as Jianyu lurked in the tree, poised to hear anything useful, anything at all that would help him identify them as the killers.
Without warning something came flying towards him, just missing his head and embedding itself in his shoulder. Pain immediately roared down his arm, but Jianyu's shout of pain was stifled as he tilted sideways off the branch and tumbled down onto the ground below. His back slammed into the cold grass, winding him, but he rolled over instantly, staggering to his feet and backing up so that he was pressed against the trunk of the tree. An arrow protruded from his upper shoulder, and Jianyu stared at it blankly, as if not quite realizing it was there.
"Think we didn't notice you skulking around our house, Legion rat?"
Rai's voice. He was standing a few feet away, a bow and arrow in his hands, pointed directly at Jianyu's heart.
How could he have not seen this coming?
He managed to dive just in time. Rai's arrow ricocheted off of the tree behind him, thwacking into it with a sickening thud. Jianyu threw himself towards the brother, ignoring the arrow in his shoulder as he flung his arms around Rai's waist, sending the both of them crashing to the ground.
Rai's fist went towards Jianyu's waist, catching him off guard, and he gasped for air, his knee slamming into the man's side. They rolled over, still grappling to strangle one another, and Rai's fingers closed around the shaft of the arrow. With a malicious grin he twisted it sharply.
Jianyu let out a yell of pain, stars exploding in his mind. His arm was searing now, feeling as if it were on fire, and with a great amount of effort he bucked his hips upwards, thrusting his leg into the man's side. It threw him sideways, off of Jianyu, who instantly crawled on top, swinging his fist in an attempt at hitting Rai in the face. Rai dodged, seizing Jianyu's wrist, and flung him off.
Rolling, gasping for breath and in pain, Jianyu found himself once more at the base of the tree. He could feel blood streaming down his arm and making his hand wet, obscuring his ability to shoot. Rai, standing above him, was giving him a look of the utmost contempt and loathing.
"Next time, don't make so much yours. I could hear you breathing a mile a way."
He raised his foot, apparently in the process of smashing it down into Jianyu's face. Jianyu, however, gave a great lunge, shoving his hand into the bottom of Rai's foot and knocking him off balance. This gave him enough momentum and time to dart away from the screaming Rai and run, run as fast as his legs would carry him, his lungs aching, his side roaring with pain. He would not stop running, not until he was at least back at home, safe in his house with the protective enchantments set around it, and his father and mother's guidance.
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 8:43 pm
THE SCARS WE BEARI met with Yue's best friend today. Sarangerel Odtsetseg is an interesting girl, to say the least. A young woman whose heart is large, her mannerisms gentle, yet endearing, but with a heaviness to her countenance that proves to be almost unsettling. I am worried, mostly because she, like I, bears the marks of war upon her face, across her eyes, as the one on my own face does.
However, though I am blind in that eye, and Sara is not, I feel as if her loss is greater than my own. I was attacked by a stranger; a random noble whose existence has long since faded into the background of time.
Sara was attacked by someone she knew - someone she trusted, someone who she let into her heart, who betrayed that trust.
How does one recover from that? I try to imagine someone like Bataar, or Sakngea attacking me with such vicious intent - Nobles, both of them, but with a conscience that belies their claimed dislike of the members of the Legion alliance.
How would I react, should one of them cause me the inordinate amount of pain that has been given to a young woman like Sara?
She is not fragile by any means, but she is not a fighter. Where Yue exudes her confidence, strength, and her agility (in a non-arrogant way, of course), Sara's personality is much quieter, much more filled with a kind of knowledge that shows through her every move. She is very open with her emotions, the opposite of Yue who prefers to conceal hers. However, this distinction creates a safe, comfortable, and strong connection, as well as a balance between the two people. I feel fortunate that Yue has a friend as wholly good as Sara, and happiness that Sara has an impulsive, vivacious friend as Yue. They are truly a good match, though I cannot help but have my concerns over Sara. The scars on her face were so very familiar after all - three vertical stripes, from forehead to cheek, the skin white and puckered from the healing process.
They are a reminder of my own scar, of course, but that is not why they are familiar. I cannot exactly place it, but I feel as if I know the weapon which inflicted them.This might be mere postulating on my part, pure speculation, but it nags at me anyway.
Sara is a beautiful young woman, but she does not see this. The scars have destroyed any positive view of her appearance, and she hides them behind the locks of her hair. I hide my own behind a cloth, it is true, but that is because it is no one's business but my own of how I appear. I am not ashamed of my blindness.
...am I..?
My father once asked if I hid because the scar reminded me of something I had once had, something that I had taken for granted instead of holding it dear, as I should have. At first I scoffed the idea, told my father that it was not the case.
But what if it was?
What if the reason I am the way I am, with the black cloth concealing a side of me I did not wish for the world to see, is the reason for everything else? Sara's timid hiding, her shieing away because she does not find herself beautiful - do I do the same thing? Hide my injury, not because of my looks, but because I am afraid of how the world will look at me, how they will judge me?
...what is it that I want, exactly?
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 9:07 pm
ARCHERYStand alone.
Legs apart.
Back straight - rigid, like a board.
Shoulders strong.
Feet held the breadth of them, locked in position.
Breaths long and quiet, barely audible.
Too loud means a lack of concentration.
Too many means a higher chance of misfiring.
Quiet. Hold yourself still.
One wrong move, and you will have no target.
The world holds its breath, seemingly silent.
Cold metal. The touch of it is familiar to you, the barrel feeling heavy, yet solid beneath your fingertips. It thrums with life, with the vibrancy of an object yearning to be used. One finger finds the trigger; such a small thing for such a powerful and deadly instrument. Just one small push, one tiny pull, and there will be that sound that you expect - a high pitched whistle, so loud and high that it is barely audible. The rush of wind cuts through the air, and you can feel it shift around you, as tangible as a knife. There is the feeling of an unexpected loss of weight; the bow in your hands jerks slightly upwards with the force of the bolt that has left its notch. But you are prepared for this; years of practice and careful thought have left you ready and waiting for that movement so that you can minimize it, keep it controlled within your grasp.
Then a thwack, and silence falls. The bow in your hand feels light and heavy at the same time, simultaneously warm and cold when you load another bolt. It is almost as if there is some sort of unknown life within it, pulsing through the solid steel frame.
The wire is thick, yet thin enough to work with agility. After so many times of pulling it back, your calloused fingers have long since grown used to the strain, the bite of the wire against uncovered skin. It is as familiar to you as the bow itself.
The string is taut at first - so taut it seems nearly impossible to pull it back completely, to shoot the arrow. But just as you think you cannot do it, just as your arm trembles with the effort and your fingers feel weak and unhelpful, there is a soft, inaudible noise and the wire slackens, giving you just enough tension to hook it properly in place behind the bolt.
Stand alone.
Legs apart.
Back straight - rigid, like a board.
Shoulders strong.
Feet the breadth of them, locked in position.
Breaths long and quiet, barely audible.
Too loud means a lack of confidence.
Too many means a lack of concentration.
Quiet. Hold yourself still.
One wrong move, and you will have no target.
One right move, and you will have no target, either.
The world holds its breath, seemingly silent.
A whistle of air, of metal, of breath, of life.
The string is released.
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 9:19 pm
MEETING THE PARENTSWhy is it that Bataar and I cannot seem to have a normal friendship?
I went to visit him the other day. It had been quite some time, and after our initial reconciliation, I had not found the time to go and meet him, which left me feeling as if things were a little unsaid, perhaps even undone. However, when I arrived, I happened upon a most unusual scene:
A woman strangling my best friend.
I suppose, in any other case, I might have jumped in and attempted to defend him. Shouted angrily, made some sort of fuss over the entire situation. As it was, I did not. Why, might you ask? Because it was quite clear on my immediate arrival that the woman in question was, in fact, Bataar's mother - Odval Jaoret.
This is probably even less of a satisfactory reaction, since I just stood there quite calmly and asked her what she was doing. Odval, it seems, has an immense hatred and loathing for all things surrounding the Legion faction, and she knew immediately that I was not of her son's Noble alliance. For fear she might ask Bataar to kill me right then and there (which she did suggest), I left the Mongol's. However, I did not return home. Instead, I scaled a tree, hid, and waited until she had left, after which I dropped back down and returned my visit with my best friend.
Of course, things didn't always go as planned - they never have, of course. Which brings me back to my original question:
Why is it that Bataar and I cannot seem to have a normal friendship?
It is not as if I care about the opinion of the general public. I have never had a particular desire to please one person at the expense of my own feelings, but at the same time it simply boggles my mind that after all these years, Bataar and I are still friends. Even my own parents saw no harm in my having a close Noble friend, and seemed, if anything, unusually blase about my having not only a male lover, but one of a different alliance as well. At first I had thought it was merely my parents being...well, my parents, but now that I think of it, it is really quite remarkable how everything seems to have worked out unexpectedly.
In all honesty, we should not be. It should not have worked out the way it did. Disregarding the glaringly obvious fact of our opposite alliances, we are, in fact, in no way similar when it comes to our personalities. Where Bataar is brash, loud, and uncouth, I find myself to be more reserved, reasonable, and calm. I do not dislike Bataar's presence - on the contrary, I enjoy it very much, otherwise I would not go to see him. He can make me laugh, he is quite capable of cracking a smile out of me in the times that I wish the least to smile, and I suppose he must like or appreciate something of me as well, otherwise he would not let me into his yurt.
That is probably why we are the way we are - why, after such a long time, we still remain as close friends, even with all of the opposition, disapproval, and stubborn resistance of both of our mindsets, we can still remain as close as we ever were. There is something that balances the other out, which makes what we have unique.
...and mildly disturbing.
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 9:45 pm
WHAT IS IMPORTANTA few days before my wedding is to be held, and I found myself and Yue trapped inside of the Ichi-Koi Inn and Bar.
Or, to be more precise, I found myself locked out of the inn. Yue was inside, having worked part time at the inn, and I was on my way to meet her, to walk her home. Lunaria's streets are not safe anymore, not even in that last moment of light when dusk turns to evening and evening to night. I had fully intended to walk her home, perhaps steal a kiss or two beneath the moonlight, but as I was nearing the inn, I was ambushed by a hoard of Nobles. Half went inside, sealing the building, and the other half was set outside, as a sort of guard. I, along with a few others, were left to fend for ourselves.
I cannot say how nerve wracking it was to be on the outside while Yue was trapped within the confines of the inn. If there was to be any doubt of my feelings towards Yue, they were all dissipated upon this day, as she was the only thing in my thoughts the entire time that I was there. My affections towards her, my desire to marry her - they were all solidified when I felt the very real fear that might have meant she would not be around to marry me, or vice versa.
However, the people with whom I was in company with were very intelligent. Both Legionnaires with some skills of their own, they assisted me in helping to take down the guards around the Ichi-Koi Inn and Bar. I was shot through with an arrow and nearly strangled by a chain, but for the most part I was unscathed. The woman in my motley little group remembered what she had once heard of a secret passageway, and it was nearing the back of the Inn that we discovered that passageway. We crept along it and found ourselves in the storeroom of the Ichi-Koi Inn and Bar, where there were already several Lunarians in hiding.
As we were convincing many of them to leave through the selfsame passage we had just exited, the door opened and several more people came in - one of them being Yue, who I was relieved to see was only slightly injured. At the time, it took every ounce of self-restraint to not simply grab her hand and run. As it was, I did embrace her quite fervently, happy she was still alive, and then we went to the main part of the Ichi-Koi, intent on finishing the battle.
It took quite some time, but we managed it. There were sadly a few deaths on both sides, and some injuries here and there (the arrow protruding from my shoulder was not nearly as bad as it had looked at first glance, and is healing quite nicely), but the worst part was that the Inn was mostly in shambles. It took several hours to fix this, but after that I took Yue home - not to her home, but to mine, where my mother and sisters immediately swept her away to clean and care for her. I myself went and bathed, dressed my wounds, and then went to my room, where Yue joined me eventually. We talked together for quite a while, and I kissed her - quite a while - before we lay down to sleep.
It has been so different since I have discovered my feelings for Yue. Beforehand, I would have been concerned with her safety, there is no doubt about that - I would have done the same for her should we have been mere acquaintances. But since she is my fiancee now, I find myself having grown increasingly more worried, her safety and protection very nearly the only thought in my mind. That, and the safety of my parents and family is what I live for. It is not for the Legions, as everyone assumes it is, but for those that I care so much about.
Lunaria's wars are growing worse. The streets are hazardous.
What is happening to Lunaria?
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 8:53 pm
SUNLIGHT FOR SARASarangerel came into for a tattoo this afternoon. A surprising gesture, since she did not really seem the type at first glance. However, people have a way of surprising us, as I have long since learned. People like Bataar, who started off as someone attempting to sell me into slavery, and who wound up as...well, someone who would still attempt to sell me into slavery, but in a way that he would find amusing, rather than malicious.
But I digress.
Sara wished for a tattoo of the sun around her navel. Again, slightly surprising, but simultaneously it fit her. He aura, her very being is quite bright. Where the sun is steadfast, so is Sara, both in her own beliefs and her personality. Yue told me that she can always count on Sara to be who she is, without fear of her changing on her, turning on her. It is reassuring to know that Yue has such a friend, and I am pleased to know that I too am now able to consider her a friend.
The tattoo was small; it was not a particularly long process, mostly because the design was not that intricate. It was detailed, but not to the point where it would take several days to complete. I managed to finish it within a few hours, during which Sara and I were able to converse. It was most illuminating, for several reasons, but one of which stood out to me - Sara's belief of the spirits.
I do not know what I believe of the spirits. I am not a soul conduit, so I cannot see the ghosts that roam the streets of Lunaria, nor do I wish I could do so.I feel as if I would only observe regret that I could not do anything to help them, or perhaps a feeling of bittersweet sadness that it is a mere imprint of a person, a memory, a fragment of who they were.
What do I believe, exactly? It is a curious thought; I would like very much to believe that I and Yue will be together beyond death, beyond time itself. There is no one that I care more for, but what actually occurs once we leave this world? Sara's question surprised me when she asked what I believed; not only was it perfectly blunt (I did not mind in the slightest, but for I rather prefer candidacy above "sugarcoating," as Yue puts it), but because I myself was not certain what exactly to respond. And though I answered her, I still am not entirely sure that my reply was satisfactory to myself.
I feel I should find someone to converse with this subject; perhaps Xiu, whom I have not seen in quite a while, or even Sara herself, seeing as how she is, in fact, a soul conduit. I would have asked her during the tattooing process, but it did not seem like the right time to do such a thing.
Perhaps next time I will. Perhaps I will ask Sara what she feels when she communes with the souls of the dead. I do not know if she can; not all soul conduits have direct contact, after all, but it is a most curious matter; one that I wish to figure out, at least for my own benefit, at the very least.
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 9:19 pm
ATTACK AT MIDNIGHTThe other evening, I was sleeping quite soundly, dreaming of pleasant things for once when I was quite rudely accosted by a drunken elephant attempting to throttle me.
The elephant in question was, of course, Bataar, but a Bataar who, for reasons unknown to me, believed I had called him "fat."
Ordinarily, this would not be an unusual thing. Except I would call Bataar fat to his face, not tell someone else who would tell someone else who would tell someone else who would tell Bataar, and by then the story would be so distorted it would be pretty much meaningless. I am not one to "sugarcoat" things or beat around the bush; if I believed Bataar to be large, I would have told him so straight to his face.
However, Bataar, being Bataar, believed what he wished to and of course that meant the situation has been blown wildly out of proportion.
We wrestled for quite a bit, Bataar being...well, Bataar, and attempting to both strangle me (which nearly worked, sad to say), pull my hair (which hurt), pinch my cheek (my face will be bruised for a week), and then he resorted to the all low act of biting me.
Apparently we have stooped low enough that he feels the need to act as a wild animal. Sadly, this is neither unexpected, nor unusual when it comes to the man known as Bataar Jaoret. Why is it that he feels the need to be so damn stubborn? When I attempted to tell him that I had, in fact, not called him fat, he seemed to not really hear me. Either he chose to ignore this very basic fact, or he was so stoned drunk that he did not really understand me even if he did hear me.
He is a ridiculous man, but I cannot help but be amused by him. Despite my better intentions, I am still as drawn to him as ever; he is still my best friend, regardless of the many contradictions that imply that our friendship should not work as well as it does. Sometimes I look at our relationship and wonder how it became the way it did. Bataar, after all, attempted to sell me into slavery upon our first meeting, which led to a quarrel (of course). And now...well, he's grown. There is a part of him which has matured very nicely, though the childish side that still bickers and squabbles with me as children do is still there. That is reassuring, however, because it means that our friendship can still work. I do hope, however, that it will evolve, that we can progress further within the realms of our friendship. I know that someday Bataar will the man I always knew he could be. He has a way of surprising me, after all.
Though the next time I see him, I sincerely hope it is not in the middle of the night with him leaping on top of me while attempting to throttle me for ridiculous reasons.
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 9:36 pm
WHAT I THINK OF WHEN I THINK OF YOUMy dearest Yue,
You will not see this letter; or perhaps you will, in ten years, or twenty years, maybe even fifty years. But it is not for your eyes at this time.
It is the evening before we are to be married. You are with your mothers, and I have spent the better part of the night with my own family. It has been a calm, relaxing night, and it is strange to think that after tomorrow, it will not be the same. When I return to my house, the house of my father, it will only be to visit, not to stay. A bittersweet realization, as I have spent twenty-four years in this house, but one that I do not regret because it means that I will wake up the next morning to find you next to me.
It is late. The candlelight is dwindling, making it difficult to see what i am writing, but I will keep writing anyway.
Earlier tonight, my father and I were alone together while my mothers and sisters prepared dinner with the servants. He asked me how I was feeling. I told him, quite honestly, "I fee like when I wake up tomorrow, it will be just another day of my life."
My father smiled, which to any other person might have seemed odd, along with my casual answer. But I know my father well enough, and he I, to know that both of us understood the other.
When I said "just another day," I meant just that, but not in the way that most would think. Yes, it is a wedding - a day that I feel might be the happiest of my life - but I am neither anxious, nor frightened. When I lay down to sleep tonight, there will be no sense of foreboding, no fear of what I am doing and whether it is right or wrong. Perhaps a few butterflies, but otherwise my heart is calm.
Will you lay awake, thinking of me?
My thoughts seem to be nothing but you as of late. The way your hair falls over your shoulders, the delicate structure of your face, the myriad of emotions that flood your eyes. If I close my eyes, I can feel your breath on my cheek, your smaller hand in mine, hear your voice as you whisper how much you love me.
I see your smile - wide, bright, and dazzling, as bright as the golden rays of the sun and just as warm. The smile that I think of when I feel there is nothing else that could go wrong, the smile that drags me from the depths of my own blackened memories and reminds me why I live.
Sometimes I look back and remember when I first noticed you looked at me differently than you had before. When did your eyes start to hold that innate gentleness to them when you gazed towards me? How long was it before your name coming from my lips held a special meaning to it? How long did you sit and despair and pain, thinking that what you felt would never be returned because of my ignorance?
Tomorrow you and I will be married, not just for this life alone, but for now and forever, as long as we both exist, as long as time exists.
Life is not about regrets; it is about the things we do, the paths we choose to take. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we choose the wrong path. It is how we decide to handle those mistakes, those paths, that makes the difference in our lives.
Maybe on our ten year anniversary, I will let you see this letter, but for now it is written in secret, held away in the quiet recesses of my mind and my heart.
Tomorrow, Yue, is our wedding day. I hope that you, along with I, hold no regrets of what happened before tomorrow. Everything will be different soon. It will be you and I, now, later, forever.
Forever and always, my dearest love.
Yours,
Jianyu
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