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 Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:44 pm
Did you know...
While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a female.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-a** man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:46 pm
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is
masculine-"le crayon."A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!) The women's group,
however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le
computer"), because:
1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:55 pm
WARNING: THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE
Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, just
had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?" said Greg, "And how did this one end?"
When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:01 pm
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Her Mommie pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack him again!"
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Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:07 pm
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 8:53 pm
baby_bluegirl00 A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because: 1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won!
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:19 pm
Claena baby_bluegirl00 A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because: 1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won! Not ALL of them...but yeah, I guess a lot of them are. I just happen to think those are funny. Then again, most of the guys I know are complete imbeciles. Actually, now that I look back at these jokes, I only have 2 or 3 jokes that could be considered sexist out of at least 10.
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 6:30 pm
baby_bluegirl00 A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because: 1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won! It's ordinateur. But I really love that joke
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 7:17 pm
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart when your going to be in there for a long time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
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Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 3:29 pm
omg roflmao!
awesome jokes, ppl xd
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Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:35 pm
bloody_dragon_claws shadowy visitor bloody_dragon_claws Okay, maybe someone can help me out with this one. My dad's been telling it for years and I have no idea what it means. Q:What do you call a Scottsma with a lamb under each arm? A: A Playboy. Me: ?????????????? Sorry I have no clue (You should tell him it's not even funny) I was contemplating that but then he'd probably try to explain it to me. I don't need that, thankyou! It's supposed to be funny because it's implying that the scottsman has sex with sheep. I playboy is a man with a girl on each arm, like he's escorting them.
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Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:49 pm
A guy breaks into a house. He's rummaging around, looking for stuff worth stealing and he hears a voice.
Jesus is watching you...
The burglar decides he's just hearing things and continues about his buisness. He hears the voice again.
Jesus is watching you!
He looks around and sees a bird cage in the corner with a parrot in it. The burglar looks at the parrot and asks "Who are you?"
The parrot answers, 'I'm Moses".
"Who would name a parrot Moses?" the burglar askes.
The parrot replies, "The same people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 3:57 am
Blondes, plz don't take his personally.....
Q: What's the difference between a whore, a nymphomaniac and a blonde?
A: The whore says, "Are you done yet?", the nympho says, "Are you done ALREADY?", and the blonde says, "Beige..... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige..."
rolleyes
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 6:23 am
baby_bluegirl00 A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because: 1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won! Hehe I like that one...computer= le ordinateur.
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 6:25 am
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.
mrgreen
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