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 Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 4:35 pm
Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Zee Oddwyn
Name: Willowhisper
Nicknames: Whisp, Willow
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Fledgling
Hatch Date: 21/08/200?
Type: Ghost
Task: Learning to flyyyyyyy
Personality: Willowhisper is a gentle Sentinel with a bit of a shy streak. She does enjoy playing with her peers, but she gets a bit tongue tied around fledglings her age, and the adults. However, she seems to relax when playing with hatchlings, and making small things with bits of twigs and pine needles.
History: Willowhisper was raised by the Minders in the Deep Woods right from the egg. Even as a hatchling, she tended to be a bit quieter than the others in peeping for food, and it continued when she started to grow her flight feathers. As a fledgling, in between tumbling towards the ground, and playing with her friends, she contemplates what she wants to do as an adult. Her Minders, noticing her affinity towards Hatchlings as well as her apparent enjoyment of putting together little bits of materials, suggested that she consider becoming a Minder or a Crafter.
Territory: None
Mate: None
Companions: None!
Certificate: 
Quote: A very shy character can be a bit awkward to play, but to avoid that pitfall you could always make sure she already has some friends when you start to roleplay her (you could advertise in the Message Outpost to find friends or perhaps a trusted minder for her) or just have fun pushing her into challenging situations. wink
Her Will will not be very strong at first, but manipulating small twigs and pine needles should be within the capability of a fledgling.
There's really nothing wrong with this form and if you are happy with it she is approved. (just edit the post to let us know if you want to change something)
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Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:34 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Both but mostly character. Level of feedback: Uhh...Gentle i guess. xD *Shrugs* Im new to noctua. Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Cyren of the sea
Name: Cirrus
Nicknames: 'Cir
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adolescent/Young Adult
Hatch Date: Dec 22nd
Type: Mist
Task: Watcher
Personality: Cirrus is not a typical adolescent, she doesn't delight in chattering on with friends or showing off, nor is she antisocial. More reserved she keeps her opinions to herself, mostly because her opinions are usually quite honest and lacking any beating of the bush. She has always been a practical minded sentinel with a streak of adventure loving at her core. Kind and good-natured she enjoys idle conversation and the company of others but doesn't seek them out. Around fledgling age she started to speak differently, her words grew more and more eloquent as she got older. Needless to say she began to get confusing to listen to, realizing this she cut back on her fancy words a little, to speak more plainly. Though it was still an obvious difference.
Some who meet Cirrus describe her as 'weird' often this is because of her inability not leave an impression of how much she desires to be something more than just a small part of everyday life her 'big dreams for a small sentinel' as they are called by others. This coupled with her curious way of speaking is what leads to the summarization of her being a strange sentinel. One of her most prominent traits is her determined adventurous streak. Its the only thing that stops other sentinel's from calling her a calm, nice, if a little antisocial sentinel. Instead they find it hard to describe her, resorting to words like 'odd' or 'a little strange, but kind and helpful overall'. She desires very strongly to be somebody she doesn't want to be one of a hundred sentinel’s that have some common simple job, she wants strongly to be awed, and respected.
History: Even as a chick Cirrus's fascination with the Open and the less explored extents of the Noctua disconcerted her minders. What kind of chick dreamed of being a Ranger and traveling out of the tightly woven trees that the sentinel's were so at home in? Still Cirrus proved to be a kind and calm little hatchling, while her siblings screeched and squawked about, tearing up the nest she sat quietly and watched with large eyes, almost smiling to herself. When she started to develop into a fledgeling she took to helping her minders with little menial tasks, straightening the nest after her brothers had torn it up, helping to pull twigs and dirt from feathers, that sort of thing.
If anyone ever showed an interest in what profession would fit Cirrus, or showed an interest in the chick at all it was never publicly announced. Cirrus herself never received any suggestions either. She knew however what job appealed to her. She wanted to be a ranger, flying around the borders of Noctua, seeing things most sentinel's never saw in there lifetimes. Grand dreams for one so young, or so she thought. Whenever she expressed her wish to be a ranger she was met with rather shocked expressions and then urging towards any other profession. Such a sweet, helpful little sentinel really didn't need to be alone and roaming the outskirts. Or so she was told. With the opinions of everyone else weighing on her her dreams of being a ranger faded but she refused point blank to take a job as boring as being a minder, or some other nonsense. At the very least she wanted to have a profession that was interesting and exciting. Still however noone advised her where she should go.
As she grew from fledgling to a young adult, capable of making her own way in life she still had the idea of being something special, something most other sentinel’s weren't. Those who knew her could comment only on her determination, and not much other extraordinary talent. In fact she seemed to have a sort of block when it came to her will, weaker on average than most or so it would seem, there were occasions where she would display large amounts of will, once when she was a fledgeling and being teased for not being able to lift a pinecone with her will the way the others had she had instead lifted up the fledgling that had been calling her names, and hovered his halfway across the nest to everyone else's, and her own, astonishment. Not only was this extraordinary considering her previous inability to lift a pinecone she wasn't as tired as she should have been after such an effort. She displayed this curious reaction a few more times, usually only when she was exceedingly frustrated. Those who had seen her do it a few times declared that it wasn't surges of power she was having but that her will was above average in strength, just not...there all the time.
Thoroughly frustrated, though she never showed it, with everyones useless advice that her idea of being a ranger was silly and she should look for another profession she left, found her own tree a little further from the main center of Noctua, and settled down to be a watcher for a little while in the faint hope that maybe someone was going to offer her a chance at a job that was more than just ordinary. She wanted to be proud of what she did and have others view her in awe for it.
Territory: A small tight grove of Pines somewhat into the Far Cold regions but still close enough to the Deep Woods for her to travel there and back with relative ease.
Mate: None yet
Companions: None
Certificate: None yet
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Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 12:45 pm
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Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 12:45 pm
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Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 11:59 pm
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 7:24 am
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 9:53 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Both Level of feedback: Basic Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Bloody Anubis
Name: Akane
Nicknames: Not any nice or official ones
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adult
Hatch Date: 15/05/200?
Type: Mist
Task: Apothecary
Personality: Akane isn't snooty so much as she is completely immersed in herself, which here means her work. She considers herself a true chemist, with her main level of effort dedicated to medicine (nutrition and cure). On top of already creating some known remedies, she is always trying new combinations as her personal project, trying to perfect new cures and make new ones. Unfortunately, her failures number far more than her successes, but she isn't discouraged by it. What she disdains is that she's having to live right now on her most popular product, a concoction that has proved to make the sheen of feathers brighter. Useless! Only a select few want her other successful inventions, things like vitality supplements and ache cures. Why? Not only do the half of them just taste bad, but some of her ingredients of concoction are seen as distasteful. She'll use anything from berry to root, even parts of ground up animal or bone.
The only things that remain taboo are any part of a Sentinel, mostly because no one will let her near the bodies of the deceased before being lowered to the Below. She's curious about how things have died, especially if it's an unnatural cause. The general consensus seems to ask- why bother? So she's a bit of a recluse, and dwells within herself. She is, however, quick to name an idiot when she sees one. Quite secretly, she does like to go to the theatre when she takes a break, but that's the only lack of madness anyone's seen in her. Right now she's in the market for someone who would be willing to try the backed up stores of her experiments, which may be the only folly she considers of her life.
History: Akane was Minder-raised after her parents brought her down from the Cold regions. They were a young pair of travel partners, and were not willing to take on the responsibility of a chick, considering their time together a mere fling. So when she was laid, she was turned over. She's always had a bad habit of asking why, so much that she was often chastised about respecting the words of elders. The problem has still persisted. Not much to her past aside from the fact she became very influenced by the medics who came and tended to her enclave. Was never really a socialite, either- her age-mates will recall her mostly as a bit of a stuck-up weirdo.
Territory: She holds a small territory of young and old trees in the deeper woods near Swift Cold River, but is looking to find a larger one. She stores things in different trees of her holding.
Mate: No
Companions: None, but looking with a passion.
Certificate:
Adding in some general notes, maybe you can help me incorporate them/tell me if they're alright? -She deals with medics, mostly. Flies around and takes orders for them so she can restock them with what they need after making them at her home. She doesn't really take payment from them aside from the occasional snack and hospitality, granted they have the former to give. -She trades with her own inventions, usually. Makes her deals with gatherers if she needs something that she can't grab on her own. She tries to hoard all she can, but sometimes more perishable ingredients are needed. -Really wants to be more self-sufficient and not having to fly everywhere to get her secrets. So she'll soon be looking for a Keeper who can sell/trade her something like a Martes or a Waral. Looking to try things with venom, so a well-behaved Serpe would serve excellently. More desperately she needs help gathering, though. -Also wants to look into getting a bird-like companion to test some of her concoctions on. Should I OOCly actually try and get her a companion (and which would be the best?) or should I NPC it? Quote: She seems like an interesting kind of gal, but I do have a few notes to start off with:
-This part "trying to perfect new cures and make new ones" sounds like you're just saying the same thing twice. You could probably just take the "and make new ones"-part out.
-I'm not really seeing how the ingredients you listed could be considered "distasteful", seeing that sentinels do eat roots and berries, as well as often swallowing their prey whole - bone, fur, innards and all, owl-style. Which are the distasteful ingredients?
-It's probably a good thing that she is being kept away from investigating/fiddling with dead sentinels, especially those who have not died of natural causes, considering that whatever killed them could very well be contagious... If you ARE going to have her attempt to examine dead bodies, you should know that it's not just socially frowned upon, it could also be dangerous.
-This part here: "which may be the only folly she considers of her life" is strangely worded. Actually, I don't understand what you're trying to say. sweatdrop Sorry! Can you rewrite it?
-As for companions, yes, you are going to have to get them OOCly, which means that you have to wait for slots to open up if you want one of the rare kinds. Serpe are good for poisons, but if she really needs gathering help most of all, then a couple of Mus could prove really resourceful, actually. Martes are very good at hunting, but probably won't really see the point of trying to gather inanimate stuff like herbs and such. Mus are smart and swift, usually do what they're told even if you're not looking right at them, and have nimble little hands that are good at fine manipulation, if a special part of a plant is needed, for example.
Also, if she does need a bird-like companion to test her concoctions on, then it would probably be better to ask Keepers for live culls than to actually buy a trained one... in case the concoction happens to be fatal, y'know... Quote: Just a clarification. In case she uses live culls to test things on you can NPC those since they are more disposable than regular companions. For some examples you can look at Drywood's RPs. link
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 1:00 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Both
Level of feedback: Brutal/Grammar Chtulu
There's no hurry with the feedback, but I think this concept could use some polishing before I try for him.
Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Annchen
Name: Cloudberry
Nicknames:
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adult
Hatch Date: After the spring breeding season
Type: ...I haven't decided yet...
Task: Forester
Personality: First and foremost, Cloudberry really likes trees. He has always felt a certain kind of respect and perhaps even love towards the silent giants that give all Sentinels their home. He usually talks to his trees while he's working, and he likes to think that they appreciate the gesture even if they don’t talk back.
Cloudberry tends to talk slowly and is rarely seen in a hurry over anything. What is there to hurry about anyway? The trees are not going anywhere soon and every part of his task deserves to be handled with proper care and dedication. This will cause some to dismiss him as being a bit slow in the head too, but they couldn't be further from the truth. Berry likes to think before he talks or acts, that's all, and if he hasn't got anything useful to say he'd rather keep his beak shut.
In case of emergency Cloudberry usually stays calm, and is often the one shouting orders when less level headed Sentinels panic. Whenever the Forester is seen flying at breakneck speed through the forest there’s probably at least a fire somewhere... Don't ask stupid questions, either follow him and help if you can or fly as quickly as you can in the opposite direction.
It's not easy to anger him, but he is frightening when he works up a temper and if you want to stay on his good side you better not break any branches or scratch your perch too deeply.
This isn't a Sentinels with a big group of friends (A bit awkward, maybe? How about "who has plenty of friends" instead? Or just rewrite the whole thing as "This is a sentinel who does not have many friends..." Or something like that.), and he has yet to find a mate, but it isn't the tree-obsession or the slow personality that drives potential mates and friends away. It’s the smell. A lot of Cloudberry's work is moving Sentinel waste from territories in Deep Woods and the smell tends to follow him home. It’s not bothering him anymore, but even his close friends avoid sitting downwind.
History: Berry was raised in a Minder enclave in the colder parts of Noctua and was rotated among several different Minders during his upbringing. Because of this he doesn’t really understand how some Sentinels can even consider valuing family higher than the clan. You pick a mate in order to raise healthy chicks for the betterment of the clan, not to form a clan within the clan.
His choice of task was not really a surprise to anyone since he had started to show an interest in trees early on. As a fledgling he didn’t need a lot to stay happy, and the Minders soon figured out that they could just stick him in a nest where he could see a waving branch or close to a tree trunk with interesting patterns in the bark and he’d stay put and entertain himself.
The rare times he got himself in trouble, trees were usually involved too. Once one of his bored nestmates started breaking twigs and shredding leaves to pass the time, and when telling her to stop didn’t work the fight was a fact. Cloudberry was the one getting in trouble for that, and it wasn’t the last time. Eventually both fledglings and Minders learned that little Cloudberry tended to overreact when it came to trees. He eventually learned to pick his battles and has also learned to control his temper, mostly. (Two instances of "Eventually learned" pretty close together, looks repetitive. I'd take the latter "eventually" out, having the sentence read just "He learned to pick his battles..." OR write it "He later learned to pick his battles...")
After several seasons as a forester he’s seen his fair share of healthy, sick and wounded trees, but he is still learning new things about them every day.
Territory: He’s assigned one tree to live in and a fairly big area to take care of in Deep Woods.
Mate: None
Companions: None
This is a cute and most of all funny idea! The waste-handlers of Noctua are surely underrepresented in the RP crowd. He's got an interesting personality with potential for conflict as well as getting along with people (as long as they don't mind the smell) and seems overall like a pretty neat guy to RP. I do love how he could be "babysat" by an interesting treetrunk pattern when he was little. Quite adorable.
I was wondering, though, have you given any thought as to WHY he's so into trees? Is it just a simple fascination of the "substance" so to speak, or does he genuinely think of their company as preferrable to that of other sentinels? His talking to them seems to indicate something along those lines...
Also, you may want to be a little bit more consistent with the capitalization of the first letter in the names of tasks. Minder, Forager, etc. Either do it, or don't. Just a pet peeve of mine, sorry.
I've removed a few paragraphs and tried to clean up the capitalization, let me know if I've missed something.
When he talks to the trees I imagine something like a gardener talking to his plants or a crafter talking to himself/his craft materials while working. They are not a substitute for other people and he doesn't expect them to start to talk back. He could probably talk about the personalities and "moods" of trees since he's so used to working with them, but it's more a way of phrasing it in terms that are easier to understand... He can talk about "feeling" what a tree needs, but it's most likely his talent and experience speaking.
Comments like "What did the trees say today?" will just make him think that the joker flew head first into a branch this morning. I thought about adding it to the form, but it didn't fit anywhere so I'll save it for RP.
Yes why is he so into trees...? I changed some things around to make him less extreme about it as a fledgling. So the answer is that one of his best friends as a fledgling was a tree (an imaginary friend of sorts), and that he liked the task when it was introduced to him. The rest came with time. Does that make sense?
New version:
Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Annchen
Name: Cloudberry
Nicknames:
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adult
Hatch Date: After the spring breeding season
Type: ...I haven't decided yet...
Task: Forester
Personality: First and foremost, Cloudberry really likes trees. He has always felt a certain kind of respect and perhaps even love towards the silent giants that give all Sentinels their home. He usually talks to his trees while he's working, and he likes to think that they appreciate the gesture even if they don’t talk back.
Cloudberry tends to talk slowly and is rarely seen in a hurry over anything. What is there to hurry about anyway? The trees are not going anywhere soon and every part of his task deserves to be handled with proper care and dedication. This will cause some to dismiss him as being a bit slow in the head too, but they couldn't be further from the truth. Berry likes to think before he talks or acts, that's all, and if he hasn’t got anything useful to say he'd rather keep his beak shut.
In case of emergency Cloudberry usually stays calm, and is often the one shouting orders when less level headed Sentinels panic. Whenever the Forester is seen flying at breakneck speed through the forest there's probably at least a fire somewhere... Don't ask stupid questions, either follow him and help if you can or fly as quickly as you can in the opposite direction.
It's not easy to anger him, but he is frightening when he works up a temper and if you want to stay on his good side you better not break any branches or scratch your perch too deeply.
This is a Sentinel who does not have many friends, and he has yet to find a mate, but it isn't the tree-obsession or the slow personality that drives potential mates and friends away. It's the smell. A lot of Cloudberry's work is moving Sentinel waste from territories in Deep Woods and the smell tends to follow him home. It's not bothering him anymore, but even his close friends avoid sitting downwind.
History: Berry was raised in a Minder enclave in the colder parts of Noctua and was rotated among several different Minders during his upbringing. Because of this he doesn't really understand how some Sentinels can even consider valuing family higher than the Clan. You pick a mate in order to raise healthy chicks for the betterment of the Clan, not to form a clan within the Clan.
As a young fledgling he didn't need a lot to stay happy, and the Minders soon figured out that they could just stick him in a nest where he could see a waving branch or close to a tree trunk with interesting patterns in the bark and he’d stay put and entertain himself. He used to think about one particular tree as his special Minder and friend. It was a safe haven to retreat to when rowdier fledglings bothered him, and he sometimes came back to "visit" it when he got older.
It made sense to his Minders and Teachers to introduce the young Cloudberry to a few Foresters, and since he liked what they did he chose that path in life.
After several seasons as a Forester he's seen his fair share of healthy, sick and wounded trees, but he is still learning new things about them every day.
Territory: He's assigned one tree to live in and a fairly big area to take care of in Deep Woods.
Mate: None
Companions: None
Well, I honestly can't think of anything else to say. I think he's as ready as can be, actually. Unless you can think of anything else you'd want to add, yourself.
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 5:28 pm
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Posted: Sun Dec 28, 2008 3:32 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:12 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Both Level of feedback: Gentle Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Dark_Musashi
Name: Ashton
Nicknames: Ash; Don’t-say-his-name-he-might-hear-us, Dammit-he’s-coming, and other similarly pejorative “nicknames”.
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Young adult
Hatch Date: 10/06/2008
Type: Wildtype
Task: Scout
Personality: First of all, Ashton is his mommy’s big boy. Amberglow is more important than everything else, and so far, he’s done his best to show her how much of a strong and brave Sentinel he was. As a Scout, he knows he will be able to show off how much of a good hunter and flier he has become. He’s the kind of guy who brags a bit too much about his skills. And even worse, he sincerely believes he is that good. If you talk about him, you take the risk he hears his name and interrupts the conversation. By the way, he has keen hearing.
He does not share exactly the same sense of danger as everyone else. He’s quite brave, and his secret dream is to kill single-handedly a badger, or anything as large, really. At least, he knows he can’t actively try to achieve that, or he might very well die, and he doesn’t want to make his family weep over the bloody mess. On the other hand, he finds the Ground rather scary. He thinks Gatherers (and such) are even braver Sentinels than him. Or suicidal, both work. It has to do with an almost-encounter with foxes while looking for berries. The Canopy is far less frightening.
Ashton views himself as a knight in shining armour, and unless it’s an obvious waste of his skills, he will answer to any distress call. The only flaw he acknowledges is his behaviour when cornered: he knows that if he causes trouble, he will blame anyone in order not to be suspected, especially loved ones. He can’t help it, he just can’t accept he can and will make mistakes like everyone else. To avoid that, he stays away from authority. This way, nobody asks him why he did wrong whatever he did, and nobody gets accused either, fair game.
Also, a night without a good fight (involving prey or other Sentinels) is not a good night. His definition of a “good fight” being “any fight he starts, or ends in a way he judges badass”, it’s no wonder he spends most of his days hunting medium-sized game. While secretly hoping he can kick a badger’s a** on the way.
History: Ashton has got a brother (Dustwing) and a sister (Brook) who he has never met because their parents couldn’t take care of them all properly. Amberglow and Mapleclaw were a happy couple until the Hunter left the Apothecary alone with the fledglings. The mother, who apparently received no explanation, didn’t take it well. Ashton didn’t either.
With a mostly absent father, he had already decided to take care of his family in his place. But now he was gone for good, Ash grew hostile feelings towards him. He never wanted to know where he went, but if he were to meet him, boy, he’d have a lot of things to say. He solemnly swore he would never inflict the same fate to his mate.
However, despite his unofficial status as the nest’s big boy, he was known to be hyperactive and random. Much trouble was caused, but nothing worse than the time he played with his mother’s scented products and smelled for days afterwards, thank Noctus. He had to admit he had personality flaws after blaming unsuccessfully his brother for the mess. He’d never considered him smarter or stronger than him, but it was largely undeserved. What possessed him to behave so shamefully, in front of a Mystic, at that! He still does his best to forget this embarrassing part of the tale.
Ashton has worked a lot to improve his flight. The late training was very efficient, but as a result, he might have neglected his Will, which is not very refined. Who cares? He’s not an Artisan; he doesn’t want to tie knots or paint stuff!
Territory: Being a Scout, Ashton has hardly got anything he can call “territory” and sound serious while doing so. But he’s ready to put up a good fight if he falls in love with a specific location.
Mate: None yet.
Companions: None yet.
Certificate:
Quote: Looks good! There are a few little bits of grammar weirdness, and you shift tense a few times, but there's nothing in there that makes the form unreadable. If you'd like a few pointers then I can go over it with you or send you a PM with some suggestions, but it's definitely good enough writing-wise to be approved.
The character looks interesting too - I like how you incorporated his broken family and youthful escapades into the brash adult he's become. The only real question I have is why did he become a Scout if he's so fond of hunting? As a Scout he's not expected to hunt for anyone other than himself, he has no quota to fill or team to work with. And while there's nothing stopping him from hunting, he is expected to cover a fair amount of ground and give regular reports on what he sees. What made him want to take on the added challenge of hunting the larger prey items and doing enough scouting each night?
All in all I'd say he's ready to be approved unless you'd like some further input on grammar, or to make any changes to his personality/history based on the questions I asked!
--Slander Ashton decided not to be a Hunter because they are expected to work in small groups. For various reasons mentioned above, he feels more comfortable working alone. The possibility of a compromise between hunting and serious coverage of wide (and interesting!) areas is a good deal, really. About the hunting itself… well, he does his regular job, of course. But he prefers taking down a single, larger animal at the end of his “day” instead of eating several smaller critters on the way, when given the choice. There is also the possibility of taking parts of less common preys with him (bones, fur, feathers, whatever) so he can show off his amazing skills later trade them or give them to his mom. Sure, that means he’s gonna be very tired when the sun rises, but that’s part of the fun. As long as he's not too tired to give his opinion on something, he's happy. Do you think I should write this in his new profile? Also, I'll try and be more careful with grammar. French grammar is weird, you know how hard it can be to learn fully another language's structure. xd sweatdrop Quote: I don't think you need to worry about adding it unless you feel it needs to be in there - I was just curious about how he was going to handle that, or if you'd considered it, and figured that I'd indulge my curiousity. XD Perhaps not having it in there would make other people curious as well, and make them want to RP with him? Just one note though - Hunters aren't expected to work in groups, it's just common for them to do so to take down larger prey and to make it easier to work at a further distance from a drop-off. Solitary Hunters are still quite common!
As far as the grammar goes, my comment wasn't meant as a rebuke but more as an offer since I know that English isn't your first language. As I mentioned, there's nothing about the writing that will stop it from being approved, it's definitely readable. I just know how strange our grammar is compared to French, and if you wanted to have things pointed out to you for your own future reference then I would be glad to do so.
Once you're ready you can pop him in the submissions thread for one last check by the RP staff before approval! Quote: You could also edit this post to tell us you're ready. We'll approve directly from the feedback thread too. Thank you very much. It would be nice if you PM'd me the errors you've already found. Other than that, I'm ready. whee
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 7:27 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Both Level of feedback: Brutal Part I – The Sentinel
Player: Mogami
Name: Snowpeak
Nicknames: Helios’s Spawn (amongst minders)
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adult
Hatch Date: 21/06/08
Type: Mist
Task: Hunter
Personality: Snowpeak changed a lot during his fledglinghood. Sure, he is still very competitive and certainly not safe around companions. His defiant (but not quite as insolent as before) fiery gaze that seems to penetrate into the soul of most sentinels and his aversion to physical intimacy also haven’t changed. But he is more even-tempered, more subtle with his remarks and more prone to aversion as opposed to conflict now. He always seems to have just a little bit of blood on his talons and preening those stained feathers appears to have a rather soothing effect on the hunter.
He can be quite difficult and often gives the impression of being cold even if he doesn’t consider himself to be so (it’s just that are so many worthless and annoying sentinels out there…). Those who manage to understand the hunter’s character and somehow manage to get along with him, will find in the mist a loyal friend and a witty companion who is not embarrassed to show his pride at being a member of the great sentinel clan. He spends most nights in silent contemplation of his favorite hunting grounds (which he will fiercely defend) and he doesn’t like to be disturbed while he’s working (i.e., all the time). He measures a sentinel’s worth by how well they fend for themselves and the kind of companions they keep, favoring the combatant tasks.
He is very grateful to his former minder Typhoon’s for his guidance and lessons, anyone who has helped him improve his skills and Moonstride, the Elite who saved his life when he was a very young fledgling. Those kinds of favors are never forgotten by the young adult. While he is almost devoid of ambitions when it comes to learning a specialization or being promoted and following the path of the Elite (after all, he never did play well with others), he would like to make himself known enough to make his minder proud. He still strives to be the best when it comes to perfecting his physical abilities - and sometimes that involves the occasional challenge of a complete stranger - but most of the time he’d really just rather be left alone. Snowpeak has an unusual respect for predators and can be often found studying a wolf pack in the north with a blind focus that only a moving prey can snatch him from.
History: He was hatched in a northern enclave. His minders found him to be an abnormally quiet hatchling but his fiery eyes showed a cunning intelligence. He began to show an excessive interest for moving objects and creatures at a very early age as well a very marked competitive and sometimes even aggressive nature. It was decided that he would be sent to Typhoon (a more experienced minder) to give him a proper chance. He was a very competitive fledgling that could sometimes be seen as a bit of a bully. Excited by conflict and brawl, he always showed the utmost respect (tempered with a bit of jealously) to those gifted in art of flying and hunting. Eager to perfect himself and to outdo those around him, he preferred the company of older fledglings.
He had (and still has) a very high drive that makes him forget everything about his surroundings in order to chase a flying leaf, a petal… or even a bushy tail. After he almost killed his minder’s mus, he really started working hard to control his instincts while trying to improve on his skills at the same time. He seemed to enjoy the sight of blood and that has certainly not changed. He carries a visible fledglinghood memento in the form of two thin scars he got them from a fledgling fight he started and the incident taught him never to take things too far… and to always protect the eyes.
Territory: Several small spots of land in the Cold area and Mountains. He likes to blend with the snow. He is fierce when protecting his territory mainly because he doesn’t think anyone can do a better job with it.
Mate: No.
Companions: No. NO.
Certificate:
Quote: Grammar/spelling - no spelling issues that I can see. Sentence structure looks tight, but there's at least one awkward repetition (aversion used twice in as many sentences, right at the beginning). All in all I can't find much to pick at, but I think the readability of the form would be improved by a few paragraph breaks where appropriate.
Character - looks good, overall. I'm surprised you didn't mention the scars at all! The only thing that jumps out at me a little is the strange shift from eager fledgling who wanted to be better than everyone else to the adult without any major ambitions. What happened to change that?
I'd say he's fine to be approved as-is, but if you'd like to chat a bit more about character ideas or have some more in-depth review given to the grammar then give the say-so here, and the RP staff will have at you. XD
--Slander Okay, played with it a bit. *asking for another review* Quote: Okay, yeah, like Slander already said, this looks good and could be approved right off if you'd like. If you're striving for perfection you could try rewording in a few places, like how you start off with talking about how he has changed from his fledglinghood - for someone who never read Snowpeak's fledgling form, that might look a bit offish, but it does work as is.
And since you asked for "brutal," this feels a bit funny to me too: "his cunning eyes showed a hidden intelligence..." Is it shown, or hidden? I think the sentence would work fine like this: "his fiery eyes showed a cunning intelligence..." If you'd like.
Annnd that's about it, yeah. Aahahah. I didn't notice that no matter how many times I re-read it. (how can you see something that's hidden...?). I changed it to match your suggestion. The rest I'd rather not change. I think the important ideas about fledgling Snowpeak are there so I don't really mind getting it approved as it is - in other words, I'm feeling a bit too lazy to make it perfect. xP
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Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 4:00 am
Haha....this has taken me long enough, hasn't it x-x; *fail* I'm here now, thats all that matters biggrin And I'm greatly amused that he looks like a mini-Matron, hehe. I want this kind of feedback: Character Feedback Level of feedback: Basic Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Amy D
Name: Coalfoot
Nicknames: None yet
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Fledgling
Hatch Date: 03/09/2008
Type: Shadow
Task: -
Personality: Coalfoot is quite patient and can sit and wait a long time for what he's after, whether thats food, attention, play, etc. He's of the opinion that he'll get it eventually, so why rush about to get it first? And because of patience, he can concentrate for long periods of time and not get easily distracted, although does get irritable if someone is constantly trying to un-nerve him. Like most youngsters, he can be curious and can sit and examine things (i.e. pull them apart) until he has a grasp on that object. He also likes to ask lots of questions until either his unwilling 'victim' gets exhausted with him or until his curiosity is satisfied. He's persistent, but that can also backfire on him if he pushes it too far. (Updated)
History: A random egg found and hatched by a kindly Minder amongst a clutch of others in a similar situation, Coalfoot wasn't an exceptional hatchling. Just average really - sleepy or hungry most of the time. At first, he battled just as much as the rest of the other hatchlings to be fed, but realising that everyone gets fed anyway at some point, he thought he'd start being patient and wait. He also started playing with his food fairly early, but was clumsy with his Will power. Not to be discouraged though, he keeps practicing, day by day, strengthening his Will and getting more accurate and stronger. As he grew, Coalfoot became a little more adventurous and started bringing things back to his Minder. They were nothing of importance or even value, but some were impressive, for a fledgling that is. He enjoyed finding things, turning them over, looking at them, checking them, even touching them with his feet or beak. And he enjoyed bringing them back to share. So his Minder wondered how he might feel about becoming a Gatherer. He's still weighing it up, eyeing the ground with ever more curiosity and trepidation. He wouldn't dare venture there just yet, not alone at least.
Territory: NotCold Forest
Mate: -
Companions: None yet
Certificate:
Quote: Right, first some basic things that you will need to change in order to get him approved:
- You need to use the picture on the www.noctua.ca server, and please make it an image and not a link.
- Please avoid chatspeak in the form.
- It’s spelled fledgling, not fledgeling. A spell checker should find all of those.
- It's not really neccessary to write what you want his future task to be, but you can do it if you want to.
And now for the character feedback:
I think you'll need to decide if he is jumpy and anxious or patient and not easily distracted. Those personality traits contradict one another and make the character seem a bit scattered. You also state that he is always nibbling on something, but yet he is satisfied to wait for his turn to be fed. It doesn't quite match up. I think the character will become better if you pick one or the other.
From the way you've written his form it might be better to go with patient, unless you really want his name to reflect his personality.
This part is confusing me: "Which isn't all that necessary considering his dark colour." What isn't necessary?
Hatchlings don't really do much more than eat and sleep, so perhaps you could change "playful and hungry" to "sleepy or hungry"?
His developing interest for finding and sharing things is cute. I'm sure he can find a gatherer willing to teach him the ropes, or at least take him on a gathering tour to see if he likes it. The Message Outpost is great for finding mentors or other RP-buddies. --Sorry about the 'chatspeak', I don't use it at all in RP's and wasn't sure how formal the form needed to be ^-^; Picture all fixed too. Wasn't sure whether to re-post or just edit what I've written so I hope I've done alright.-- Quote: Editing works! Your form is approved and posted in the character list.
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:23 am
This is RP-only character for now, while waiting for my custom application to be accepted.
I'd like feedback on both character and English usage, please. Some of the terms just escape me, and I'm sure there are better words I can use.Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Silencer Wolf
Name: Dawyck
Nicknames: none
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adult
Hatch Date: August 14
Type: Wildtype
Task: Watcher
Personality: Dawyck is happiest when working for others, be it running personal favours, passing messages, keeping an eye on wayward fledglings, being a personal bodyguard to paranoid sentinels, or any of those odd and under-appreciated jobs no one else wanted to do. Humble and complaisant, Dawyck lives to please.
Dawyck takes his job as a Watcher seriously and is in fact fully-trained to be ready for battle. He is frightening when in combat, a sharp contrast to his usual self. This is the reason he still hasn't been ousted from his territory, situated to be close to where there are many activities, in case he is ever needed to help out.
History: From a young age Dawyck has always been eager to be helpful in whatever situation he was in. He was raised in a loving family, but spent much time with Minders as well; part of his parent's plans to incorporate a sense of attachment to the Clan as a whole. To their delight Dawyck was more that pleased with the arrangement.
Some Minders may remember him as the eager fledgling who was always ready to help with everything from minding eggs and hatchlings to helping to clean out the nest-site.
Territory: A pair of trees in Deep Woods, between the Swift Cold River and the Clearing.
Mate: none
Companions: none
Certificate: n/aQuote: We have some quick comments to start out with, and we will take a better look at spelling/grammar/word use next time if that's ok.
Just want to check to make sure that you know that only a few Wiltype families consider themselves the créme de la créme of sentinel-hood. It is not a typically Wildtype thing to be elitist.
Mists are sometimes accused of being snooty and "better than you", and some of the Minor types can also be elitist/extremely proud over their lineage.
How do you imagine his family history would have looked if it turns out that the Coppers and Irons didn't use servants? This is something that only Jaeger and Slander can decide so you might need a plan B if they decide it doesn't quite fit the setting. You don't have to change anything until we have got an answer from them, but think about it. Quote: Sounds good! Here's what Slander said. So you can either tweak it a little or go with plan b smile Slander I honestly can't see the Coppers or Irons accepting any sort of servants. It just doesn't fit with the idea of them being the best of the best. Given how self-sufficient Sentinel society is as a whole, it doesn't make any logical sense for the 'best' Sentinels to be okay with being served. The Brigadier doesn't let anyone serve him, for example.
Some of the other more 'prominent' clans might enjoy that sort of thing, however. I could imagine the Flame type being the sort to employ servants/assistants. Quote: It looks good! I've marked the parts I've commented on with green.
Is there any particular reason you wrote: "the Dawyck lives to please."? I think it would look better without the "the".
Try "From a young age" or "ever since he was a fledgling".
The middle part of this sentence doesn't make sense: Quote: He was raised in a loving family, but spent as much time in the Minders Enclave has well; part of his parent's plans to incorporate a sense of attachment to the Clan as a whole.
That's all I can find smile
Quote: Thank you for your patience! Dawyck is now approved and posted in the character list.
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Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 12:07 pm
I want this kind of feedback: Both Level of feedback: Gentle Anything else? I'm not a native English speaker and I'm also really new to the world of Noctua. Part I - The Sentinel
Player: Derenous345
Name: Coldfeather
Nicknames: Cold
Species: Sentinel of Noctua
Age: Adult
Hatch Date: December 2
Type: Ghost
Task: Keeper
Personality:
Cold is a really silent sentinel and would rather just stay and observe what the others do. Anyways, he isn't a sentinel-hater and he would most likely take some time to see if the other sentinel is a good listener and if he or she would not let him down in any way. This doesn't mean he is shy though. He could be pretty open to anybody and can easily speak his mind he just doesn't do that so often. He is rather serious and can seldom be seen with a smile on his face. However, he finds friends in the face of the small companions. He isn't mad about companions and doesn't collect them. He just feels like it is his duty to give the other sentinels well-bred companions. He knows companions aren't as smart as sentinels but he believes they are fairly good for communicating with. He really loves the small companions and tries to make the other sentinels see companions are needed.
History:
Cold hadn't always been like that- so serious and quiet. He was actually a pretty talkative and normal sentinel while young but an event made him change the way he saw the world. He really liked a girl that he got really close with- he shared all his secrets with her and she shared hers. It wasn't long before he realized he was in love with her and being his past self it didn't take him long to actually admit to her. She declined leaving the poor sentinel's heart broken. Since that day he had decided that he would wait quite a while before sharing his feelings to another sentinel.
Territory:
A couple of big, centuries-old trees seated not far west from the lake, and a small glade which no one actually wanted.
Mate: none
Companions: Blackmuzzle
Certificate: none
Part II - Companions
Name: Blackmuzzle
Species: Mus
Age: Adult
Speech Ability: 4
Intelligence: 2
Skill: Blackmuzzle is a great help when it comes to finding some small things to eat. He's also a very good company which is the main reason Cold takes care of him.Quote: It looks as if you've done plenty of research, because there is nothing here that doesn't fit with the setting.
Character wise there's no big problems, as long as you have a plan for playing him. A reclusive character can get tricky to RP since he or she will not really seek the company of others, but if you are prepared to force him into situations where he has to interact with others it usually works out. Another option is to give him a group of friends he already knows and is comfortable with right at the start. You can find people willing to play his friends in the message outpost subforum, and it's a great place to look for RP and plots too.
He seems to have the right temper for watching, but if you'd rather see him with another task you are free to change that now since you will soon get him as a 'real' Sentinel and not just a RP only.
As for the language I've marked two mistakes. If you fix those this is good enough to be approved. However, if you should want a more in depth polishing with suggestions on how you could improve we can do that too. (via PM or here, your choice.) Quote: Thanks for the feedback! It was actually far more positive than I expected (in fact, I was a bit afraid of reading it). I'd listen to your advice and try to find him a few friends which he would be more open to. I apologize for the spelling mistakes. I fixed them and changed his task to Keeper and the last sentance of his Personality is changed to fit with the task (I hope so ^^; ). Again, thank you for the feedback and the time! It was really helpful! Quote: Well, a Keeper is someone who raises, sells and perhaps trains companions, so you can't really be a real Keeper if you only have one Mus. You need at least a small breeding stock of them, but you will of course not have to RP each and every one. Blackmuzzle, for example, could be a special Mus, who helps Cold personally and is not for sale, or he could be the Mus that Cold is currently trying to train... you can make up the others as you go along, and even RP them a little if needed, even if you don't have "pictures" of them.
With this in mind, you might want to rewrite these parts of your form: "He'd rather have one to give all of his attention to than have to give less attention to more companions." and "He has the small idea of being a keeper but with Blackmuzzle being his first companion Cold would rather take some time to study him before beginning to breed companions."
Unless you'd rather have him be a Watcher with an interest for Breeding, and develop that into a Task through RP. In that case you don't have to change anything now, but you'll need to write an updated form when he's ready to take the plunge.
If that sounds like something you'd like to do, then you could begin seeking RP with active Mus Keepers. Mogami has one, for example, and she's pretty friendly, so you could try contacting her. Quote: I edited the post and removed the unnecessary sentances. Quote: Nice! Only two tiny nitpicks more. These are things that you really don't have to worry about if it happens in RP, but just for the sake of this form it may look a little bit sloppy:
"He is rather serious and can seldomly be seen with a smile on his face." It should be "seldom" not "seldomly"
And I think this is just an oops-miss, but here: "She declined leaving the poor sentinels' heart broken" should be "...the poor sentinel's heart...".
Sorry, just being nitpicky. Fix that, and you should be good to go! Thanks for the patience! Quote: Fixed those too! ^^; Thanks very much and don't worry- that's your job! Besides, I need as much feedback on my English as possible so thank you! Quote: Great! He is approved and will be posted in the character listing as soon as you get your cert. Quote: Awesome! Thanks so much for your time and help!
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