Welcome to Gaia! ::

Sounds good. If I had a digital camera, I would do the same.

It's good that you're getting fit, but don't go overboard, Lion. The body can only take much stress. Even yours. Not that I'm anyone at all to speak, but perhaps balancing diet with exercise would be the wisest course of action.

Oh, by the way, do you remember when I told you that I really wanted to get into shape (for reasons that will still be kept quiet....)? Well, as of August, I've been in two different PE classes, one that's a Weight Training class. At first, I hated both of them. No friends, no muscle, lots of aching body parts...but soon, I won friends to me, and unbelievably started to build muscle. Even though I've put on weight (about 4 pounds since Summer), I look slimmer and feel better. My pants are almost too loose now. I'm exceedingly happy about this turn of events. I can't even remember why I didn't bother before! It's like...my whole perception has altered, just a little bit.

And my skin is a burnished gold. True gold.

These things aside, I've been hit on more in the past few months then I have been in the past few years. It feels...good. I feel...powerful. In a similar way to gaining connections or learning something important. But...a more personal power.

Oh, and yes, I'm feeling much better. I haven't felt so good in years.
~Leavaros Dapple

You...hate everything the hospital stands for...? *sigh*

Well, and I should have known that you were so strong already. It's a real shame that Canadian Summers are so short. I think you'd do really well in a place where it never snows. If you're ever in sunny Florida....

I feel positively radiant. Isn't that an odd thing for someone like me to say? Radiant. Who would have guessed? But it's true, I shine like the sun. I'm still not pretty--I'll never be handsome--but somehow...I turn heads. People look at me, and something makes them smile. Not cruelly, just...warmly. It's unusual--I'm used to being stared at, not smiled at. My carriage is different, my posture stronger. My eyes are sharper, brighter, and I just feel the need to smile every once in a while, you know?

It's like...I'm really starting to grow up a little, you know? Everything is beginning to fall into place.

But I'm still reminded of my darker days. Funny, I was just talking to Kiyome about this. Should I tell her you said hello? I'm sure she'll enjoy it. Anyway, I always fall for the wrong guy, say the wrong thing at the wrong time and get my heart broken.

Heartbreak #Umpteen in progress? I'm afraid I'm falling for David. I'm not going to let myself compromise a friendship over a silly crush. I'm willing to tune down my feelings for him...so that we can be friends. It's like deja vu with Robert, I swear.

But...I feel a little...less than honest. I try so hard to be true to myself, be open with my feelings and affections. Isn't it wrong then, for me to ignore mine for him? For the both of us, isn't it...wrong?

But...I don't want to lose him as a friend. But...if our relationship can't handle this...did I ever have him to begin with? Robert came to love me in his own way. But could David? Does he have it in him to see into my heart the way Robert had? Am I putting too much stress on a fledgling relationship? Probably. But it's there, and I'm just realizing it. I wonder if he understands what he does to me. I doubt it, he's pretty clueless. And that makes him a helluva lot more honest than me. But he's kind, and he's been nothing but friendly and helpful to me.

But even when he helps, when he corrects my errors, or spots me, or just...talks to me, or looks at me.... His presence is electrifying. It's like a thousand volts down my spine and straight you-know-where. I know he notices. That damned cattish grin tells me he knows exactly what he does to me. But sometimes he really does seem lost.

To make matters worse, he likes this girl, and all hell is sure to break loose soon. He deserves someone like her, pretty and female and sweet. I want him to be happy. Really, I do. And then, I can go on to Crush #Twenty-Or-So. Happy as a clam.

Just thought you should know.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Such is the life of a mother. Good luck with your exercise! I'll be thinking of the both of you when I'm working out tomorrow!

Hmm.... It's been a pretty good day so far, I guess. What about you guys?
-LD

...You would really describe me as...radiant? Lion, I'm touched.

And sure, send a link my way! Though I must wonder how much more trouble its going to for you who already has such limited time.

Okay, well, my day's in a tailspin. I had a terrible afternoon--one really bad game, an annoying little brother, and an uncooperative grandmother make for an unhappy Varos. But maybe I can make it a good night--curl up with a book and then a movie, and relax a little.

Love and Vale,
-LD

When it finally gets up and running, I'll join. This is going to be time-consuming, Lion. Are you sure you can deal with it?
-----

Yep. It's official. I've got it bad. I'm crushing on him like crazy, and I can't stand it. Heard a rumor he was gay, and am praying for a germ of truth. But still being pessimistic--can't get my hopes up. Not this time. Even if he were gay.... He's way out of my league. WAY out.

I mean, what would he want me for? There's plenty of guys who are naturally more attractive, and all of them are built more...muscled. The only muscle in my body bigger than theirs might be my brain. Might be. Even my ego can't compare. Self worshiping sex gods, the lot of them. And I don't blame them one bit either--they're all amazing.

But not like David. He's a rare beauty. Chiseled features, a sculpted body, that perfect smile, those easy-going eyes...he could have anyone he wants. (Well, almost. There is the matter of the straight boys and the lesbians.) It's...he would never choose me. I would never choose me. And yet...I can't help it. My heart leaps into my throat when he looks at me. I crave his touch.

It's bound to happen, you know. I'm going to do something really stupid, like tell him how I feel.

God. I am such a f**.
-LD

Oh, Tommy. You always know how to say the right thing. But...if you saw me, I think you might understand a little bit better. You would never tell me--you're too kind to do that. But even so, I don't think I'm really selling myself short. I'm just...realistic. And that reality is harsh. That's all.

Sometimes...it's just easier to sit down and cry a little. Over the things you've lost and the things you'll never have, the things you've done and the things you'll have to do. Not better. It's always better to hope just a little, to forgive the past and the certain future and move on. But...sometimes I wonder just how strong I really am, you know? I've tested and pushed the boundaries of my emotional strength for years. But...for all my airs, and melancholies, and depth of thought...there's still a part of me that's all human. It's a terrible weakness for someone like me to acknowledge something like that. And worse still for others to realize that.

Oh, Tommy! How my heart aches some days! I can feel it being broken, and being repaired, because I am a being focused so deeply on my emotions. It's always there, in some corner of my mind, taking tally of the endless games being played with my heart. How could I ever be anything to anyone more than what I already am?

What if I'm not a good catch? So what? I'm not terrible. I have wit to spare, and I can be kind and generous, and I'm one tough cookie when it comes to the daily grind--a pillar of strength for my friends. The problem is that everyone wants a fantasy. And no reality can ever compare to that. And I don't want to be compared to one.

Oh, I do it, too. But to myself. I say, well the hair is good, but could be styled better. My skin could be richer, softer, evener. I could be better muscled. Better read. Quicker. Kinder. Sharper. Stronger. The list goes on. But I don't marginalize my friends, or the guys I like. It's their uniqueness that draws me to them often, like something in me sees something in them that is indescribable. But the thought that someone could feel that way about me? It's almost too painful for me to touch, too sharp an emotion, a lust, a need, for me to linger on for more than a moment. I'm not sure I'm that strong yet.

Once, a long time ago, I was flirted with. By someone I liked. But at the time, circumstances kept us apart. He didn't know that, but I did. I remember asking him the most unfair question: What do you see in me?. And he never answered. He just worked his jaw, looked upset and stalked off. It wasn't fair of me to ask, or for him not to answer. But my wrong was the more grievous of the two.

Funny. I don't think I've ever gotten over that. You know the really sad thing? My heart is twice broken because I broke his, too. And some things just can't be fixed. Though...I was sure that....

Sorry, Tommy. There's way too much honesty in this for me to go on. Way too much of Masq, unveiled. I can't, Tommy, I can't!

Gods, why do I remember the scene with Tohru and the grave in the rain?
~~~~~
*takes a deep breath* *sighs* Sorry...that was a lot of...stuff. I'll try to keep a better rein from now on, k? I'm fine, really. My moments of weakness are just...very weak. Don't worry about me, I'm just...I've got to let this pass. That's all. David just brings them all up in me, the conjured spirits of inadequacy and ancient hurt. I don't put them away so much as put them aside. There are things that I can't deal with right now. Too many things to do, places to be, people to see, be, and most importantly, do.

And some people wonder why I write as Masq so rarely. *chuckles*
-Leavaros/Masq

Jeeze Varos, long enough post? Just kidding, it was very poetic, not dark at all.

Well today wasn't bad, did pretty well in Latin and I'm confident I passed my philosophy test. Went and saw We Own The Night with my sister, wasn't bad, wasn't what expected. It was very long and many times I thought the movie was going to end all together. Overall, not a step up for either Walberg or Pheonix, they were both on par but I've seen better from both.

Had a decent work out, I'm learning to control my impatience, the number one killer of all efforts to get into shape. Tomorrow my prof gave us the day off, which means lots of catch up time and workout time!

Tomorrow shall be excellent!