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i was going to be like OOH THERE'S ILI GOIN FOR BURNS

but then it was just his sig you were quoting





sad day

Because my feelings hurt now.

Take Your Politics and Shove 'Em

I came across this conservative chick on a forum I frequently visit who was studying to be a lawyer; awesome, more debaters for the judicial system. Color me ecstatic. She had a picture of an elephant crushing a donkey, which looked as hilarious as it sounds. Then I realized it was a political message and she was serious about it. At which point it stopped being funny and started being annoying because anything that has to do with politics isn’t funny or interesting.

Here is my official political party:



Here are some of my party's political stances:

Abortion: Babies kinda suck, but whatever.

Gun Control: Castration would be a bummer, man.

Same-sex marriage: Isn't describing marriage as "same-sex" a little redundant?

Drug decriminalization: Yeah, that would rock. Not like it'd make any difference; I'm already set.

War on Terror: wait, we're still doing that?

I used to care about politics. Really, I did. Then I stopped when I realized it was bad for my health. My parents made me take an AP Government course during my senior year of high school because I was doing too well in American history, despite the fact that I hardly gave a s**t about it. The class proved to me that caring about politics was detrimental to your health. Every single time I came out that class, I found myself experiencing increased amounts of depression, anxiety, irritability, cynicism, misanthropy, dissatisfaction with how the system works, and a sharp decrease in my inclination to continue existing. I’ve long since forgotten most of how the system works, but I do remember how much it pissed me off. The bureaucracy, the debates, the yellow journalism, slander, sound-bites, electoral collages, everything left a bitter taste in my mouth. The only thing I didn't hate was the Constitution. That thing kicks a**, especially the part about freedom of speech. It would totally rule if we had that right.

I hate democrats, I hate republicans, libertarians, green partiers, everyone. Progressives, GOP, whatever, I don’t care; it’s all a bunch of labels people identify with because they think it’s cute. It pisses me off just thinking about it. To this day, whenever someone mentions anything about abortion, gay marriage, medicare, or any kind of political topic, I become engrossed with thoughts of glorious, bloody, misanthropic carnage as I think about a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals throwing random philosophies, religious credence, statistics, and general bullshit at each other and not doing a damn thing to solve these so-called “issues” they keep arguing about. My blood pressure rises to critical levels for weeks, I lose interest in everything joyful I find in life, I lose hours of sleep, and I get irritated at minor inconveniences even more than I already do. This one time, I was cut off by some a*****e driver coming home from work. I decided to let it go and that everyone makes mistakes. Then I read an abortion debate; the next day, some b***h cuts me off, but this time I decided to not let her get away that noise. I chased her and rammed her car off the road. When she came out, she starting bitching at me and yelling “what the ******** is your problem?” I answered that I read an abortion debate. She then told me that’s no excuse. At that point I did what any sensible person would do in that situation: I had my way with her, snapped her spine, jizzed on her cell phone, set her car on fire, and walked off. When a cop came to my house afterwards, he demanded an explanation. I told him I read an abortion debate and he let it go. Thanks for wasting my time, Officer Dickshit. Man, I hate cops.

Anyway, it boggles my mind how anyone can stomach this politics garbage. There’s absolutely no way I could ever get into law or politics because it pisses me off too much and I’d have to deal with garbage opinions and “statistics” every day of my life. I’m far more interested in doing real statistics for real science instead of political “science.” Here’s a list of things infinitely more interesting than politics:

- Metal Slug 3
- Masturbating
- C++
- Mendelian genetics
- Widor’s organ symphony No.5: Toccata Allegro (in F minor)
- Psychology
- Calculus
- Getting Madura foot

I hate how people who care about this s**t think it’s a cardinal sin for someone to not care about politics. Some of us just don’t care. At all. No, I’m not interested in what this candidate has to say about whatever. Leave me alone. Let me get back to doing something that’s more worth my time, like studying cellular biology or practicing with my programming. There is nothing that kills my interest in a conversation more than when a political topic comes up. You could be the hottest chick in the world and as soon as you starting talking about the deficit, I go limper than a wet noodle with erectile dysfunction listening to his wet noodle girlfriend talking about wet noodle medicare for senior noodles. That’s way too much limp, which may make me sound like a wimp, but at least I ain't no gimp trying to get on a blimp with an imp that eats shrimp and acts like a pimp.

People will tear each other apart over stupid debates about abortion or gay marriage and at the end of the day, end up not doing a single goddamn thing about it. What was all that debating for anyway? All that shows me is that debating and arguing about issues is a waste of time. I wish there were more people like Commander Shepard in Congress. There’s a ******** who gets things done. Commander Shepard would make a kickass politician. If no one can agree on anything, Shepard can just punch every woman there and put a gun in a Republican’s face. I think it would look ******** hilarious if Shepard put a gun in Romney’s face.

Here’s how Shepard handles a debate:




That’s how you settle a political debate. None of this filibuster s**t. If someone even shows one sign of starting a filibuster, break it with a good old fashioned bullet to the nads. That’s how you do things in the real America.

Fact of the matter is at the end of the day, whatever the endings to Mass Effect 3 are, they’re still a hell of a lot better than the “solutions” our politicians come up with. On a related note, do you think politicians get insurance on occurrences when they say something stupid and their opponent fills them with lead? Like, you know, Gun-Debate Insurance. Do their rates go up if the victim’s comments on the issue were incredibly stupid or do the shooter’s rates go up? Just a thought.

So I saw the friend of mine who I thought would be perfect for the role of Daphne in my Mystery Inc series last week and she was very tan... She's allot more attractive now but she looks nothing like Daphne.

sweatdrop

I just had a dream a shark was attacking me while I was swimming in Cali. I happened to have something sharp in my pocket (some sort of flint or something), and I rapidly jabbed at the shark's eyes. Stubborn ******** was stubborn, so I had to gouge out it's eyes somehow. I don't even know how. I just remember looking up a seafood butcher, calling my mom and my workplace and telling them I'll probably be a day or so delayed, and all that good stuff. I remember being in a sling as I returned to work, so I'm assuming it went for one of my arms.

itt volty's dreams are as manly as they are unreasonable

I blame Lali-Ho and I blame Fizz.

I'm slowly discovering that nobody listens to me because I cannot words properly in oration.

I can't for the life of me figure out how to get better at it. It's probably going to bug me for the rest of my life. qq

CONROY!