Welcome to Gaia! ::

But... Glige is a boy.

If you're gonna call him a she then you might as well call myself and T a she too.

THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY TRIP TO DISNEYLAND



I was forced by my family to go to Disneyland yesterday. Despite the impression the rest of this article might give, I did enjoy myself quite a bit. Not only that, I also learned quite a few things that day as well and I’m more than happy to share them with you all so that you may learn something as well:

1. Having a grandfather who can’t walk for long periods of time is great for avoiding long lines

As ghoulish as it sounds, if you have a family member that’s handicapped, bring them along for the ride. You’ll be able to bypass most lines you’ll come across in the park, which is great for alleviating blood pressure.

2. I still cannot wait in lines

Standing in a line for 40 minutes to 1.5 hours for a 2-6 minute ride is not my idea of fun. I couldn’t get on Space Mountain or the Matterhorn because there were too many ******** people (see #8 below for more details on overpopulation). Not to mention in one of the lines there was this fat-faced kid with a bulging forehead and a blank stare stuffing his face with Doritos; disgusting.

3. The food at Disneyland is only slightly better in quality than Denny’s

And about as reasonably priced too (read: to level of extortion). If you plan to eat at Disneyland, expect complete and utter mediocrity from every restaurant that’s not named “Blue Bayou.”

4. Pirates of the Caribbean is still the best ride in the entire park

It’s a nice relaxing ride with plenty of wetness, great animatronics, and a catchy tune about some of the meanest, saltiest, hairiest, manliest of men that ever sailed the seven seas. Dead men tell no tales…

5. It’s a Small World is still one of the most annoying ******** rides in the entire world.


World peace is an unattainable goal thanks to the contradictions between freedom and peace, so this rides’ underlying message is already shot down. Now throw in some outdated animatronics, happy-hippy atmosphere, and children singing and you’ve got a valid reason for killing yourself. Jamming an ice pick into your ear is always an acceptable alternative.

6. California Adventure is still only about half as interesting as Disneyland

Here’s what’s interesting about California Adventure: California Screamin’, The Grizzly River Run, and ElectTRONica. To contrast, Disneyland has: The Matterhorn, Indiana Jones, Star Tours, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Carribean, Big Thunder Mountain, and the monorail system. California Adventure still has a ways to go before it becomes anywhere near as interesting as Disneyland. Oh, and in case anyone mentions Soaring Over California or Tower of Terror, ******** you. Soaring is just suspended chairs moving to a projection of some fly over shots of every single remotely interesting thing California has to offer. Snore. See below for Tower of Terror, a ride I tried for the first time this trip.

7. The Tower of Terror is appallingly overrated

So I’m standing in line for 40 minutes, which is still way too long for someone like me, to get on this ride. I expected it to be terrifying and scary like everybody says it is, but it’s just a 2-3 minute long ride where you go up and down really fast and listen to 12-year old girls shriek like banshees. My facial expression throughout the entire ride looked something like this:


If you didn’t notice a look of sheer terror, that’s because there wasn’t any. My facial expression was less “I’m-freaking-terrified” and more “I-waited-forty-minutes-in-line-for-this?” The ride also did nothing to alleviate the headache I was already having from going on the California Screamin’ without getting a good meal. If I had known the ride would be this disappointing, I would’ve spent those now-lost 43 minutes doing something more useful, like get angry at the park having way too many people. Oh, and speaking of which…

8. Humanity still has not fully grasped the concept of birth control


After you’ve been told long enough that the Earth is overpopulated, eventually you start to notice it and Holy Christ did I notice it after the firework displays. I’ve never been in the middle of so many decaying bundles of organic matter before in my life. There must have been more than a million people getting out of the park at the same time and this was on a weekday. What this tells me is somebody is out there having way too many children (more than zero) and they need to start using contraceptives. Seriously people, just go a grocery store and buy condoms. Not only will the cashier not even care, but he’ll also shut up quicker depending on how many condoms you buy, which is a bonus.

9. I still hate children


They’re still disgusting, obnoxious, needy little demons, even when they’re wearing Mickey ears.

10. I still hate people

They’re still annoying and they multiply way too fast.

11. People who don’t want to get wet should stay the ******** off Splash Mountain

Anyone who complains about getting wet after getting off the Splash Mountain ride is going to need a crowbar to pry out the baseball bat I’ll shove up their a** after I’ve used it to bludgeon them in the face, break their ******** ribs, and bust their balls/ovaries because I’m sick of listening to pussies who get on SPLASH Mountain and complain about getting wet. Gee, it’s called Splash Mountain. What did you expect? A ******** desert? Christ I hate people…

12. You can easily tell which of the thousands of little girls in the park are going to grow up to be spoiled, obnoxious brats and whores based on whether or not they’re in a Disney Princess costume.

Way to indulge in your daughter’s fantasies rather than telling her the truth upfront that there’s an extremely high probability she will grow up into a loser like 90% of the rest of the human population. Now she thinks she’s hot s**t and she’ll demand attention from everybody. Little girls who have their parents dress them up as Disney Princesses grow up into the same high school girls who gossip behind their friend’s back for dating a boy she likes or is really loud in public just because she wants people to notice her. Ditch this bullshit and tell your daughter her conception was a mistake (bonus points if it really was).

13. The price of admission is worth roughly about the same as a kidney.


I’m not too fond of parks that require you to sell vital organs just so you’ll have enough money to get in for a day. Though to be fair, it’s like this with almost every other major amusement park in California.

14. The Nightmare Before Christmas makes everything lame.


I was never a fan of Nightmare Before Christmas, even before it turned into a cult film for emo kids and scene dipshits who think Hot Topic is the greatest store on Earth. They decided to turn the entire Haunted Mansion into one big Nightmare Before Christmas theme ride, which made the ride less scary and more annoying. Even the part at the end of the ride where you look at mirrors to reveal a specter riding the cart with you was reduced to some random item like a floating box hitching a ride with you instead. I want to smash Tim Burton’s face in with a nailed two-by-four.

15. Flynn’s Arcade needs more Street Fighter.

They set up a Flynn’s Arcade at the ElectTRONica attraction at California Adventure. It was a pretty cool arcade, it had lots of arcade games from the 80's like Donkey Kong, but it lacked something that I believe all arcades should have: Street Fighter. It’s not a real arcade until I hear Guile’s Theme among the chaos.

16. Girls in black spandex make me grow a big rubbery one

I was at the End of the Line club at the ElecTRONica area and I was watching some girl in black spandex dancing on stage with Daft Punk blasting in the background. She didn’t look quite like the image below, but pretty damn close:


Seeing her dancing and bending over frequently was one of the highlights of the evening.

Next Christmas, I’m asking Santa for a girl with a good figure dressed head to toe in black spandex, snug and tight in all the right places. Mmm…




Anyway, that's it for my Disneyland trip. I only raged about 30,284 times, which was about 656,357 less than I expected.

I love every one of your rants, first off.

Also, being disabled myself, its the best thing you can be in disneyland. What's that? 2 hour wait for Thunder Mountain Railroad? I THINK NOT GET ME ON THAT s**t

Also, being able to see the mechanics is neat.

3 (aside from the churros, although they ARE expensive), 5, 6, 8, 11, 16.

Those are all I agree on. I can't confirm or deny Tower of Terror (because my anxiety of those rides breaking keeps me off of them; it took me to my last trip to disneyland to even get ON a roller coaster).

Also, latex is pretty cool too.

So, it turns out that I still don't really LIKE my family, save a few specific members, but the 1-and a half year old who my cousin had at age 19 is ******** ADORABLE. I played trucks with him for a good two hours, and we're bros now. He was bumpin' fists and everything.

And I find that I'm really good with kids, which is kinda sad at the same time because I know I'll never be making my own. Not a big deal I suppose, there are other ways to have kids.

IDKLOL

Infertile or can't get a girl?

I'm the latter.

Ah.
Fight overpopulation!
Adopt!
:3

I have mixed feelings about having kids, myself...