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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:55 pm
Interesting progression... I'm interested in the characters so far, but even more than that, I want to hear about everyday life on Campus! What does the place look like? Does it seep magic and mystery from every corner? I want to see it! This isn't really a literary suggestion--just a fan request... biggrin I'm continually astonished by the poetic nature of Beryl's comments. These "out of character" comments make him hard to predict, and keep us interested as to what he will say next. After reading his cinnamon and coconuts comment, I was wondering if he could use alchemy to make a drink out of Olivia's voice... that would be an interesting adventure. The one risk I see in these comments is that the child Beryl's words and the narrator's words come off as quite similar. Naturally they are the same person, but a difference of (50+?) years should make them speak very differently, at least in my mind. Still, this isn't a black & white problem--just something to approach with care as you write. Speaking of adventures, we've seen Nova and Beryl traveling around alot and learning about life and the world, but will we see them go on a real quest, or start a real conflict that takes resolving? You've developed their characters admirably so far, but there's a certain quality of character that only comes out under stress and conflict, don't you agree? Besides, this would be a great way to develop the world they live in and to strengthen the supporting characters. I'm enjoying the story so far, and can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work! 3nodding Grammar Bugs:Quote: I liked how the buildings rose gracefully into the sky, and remarked how the market reminded him of a girl in the last town, who was much prettier than the busily colored skirt that she had been wearing. should be 'me' Quote: And then, my own, Selena, and committed us both to the sword's red-white flame reminiscent of its Master's power, and to my own body's blue-black signature and died there, my future stolen from me, a terrible scream wrenched from my lips. Divide this up a little bit. It's running together. And you don't need to capitalize "Master", unless it's used as a direct address or as a proper name. Quote: taught me that morality is goldener than coins "more golden". There are a few other to's that should be too's, and you're's that should be your's. But it's unnecessary to string them all out here. Just make sure you're giving everything a second and third read yourself too.
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:59 pm
VelArian ~~~~~
After meeting Magistra Olivia, Master picked up his pace more still, and we entered the Campus Walls within the hour. I was shocked to see walls so finely made, because only Selenia had better that I had ever seen. When I touched them, they felt oddly warm under my hand, warm, even though it was Wintertime. There was no frost on the walls, and they were smooth rather than jagged and stony. Even then, I had my suspicions about them.
Within them, there were buildings three stories high, with elongated balconies, and a pathway that was cobbled perfectly, as if for aesthetic value, straight towards the Campus Towers. At regular intervals the road spread out in precise perpendicular branches, equally well-cobbled. It was almost perfect to a fault, almost precise to a fault, but that was to be expected--this was the home of all the Magisters in the world. The study of magic and the pursuit of sciences coexisted harmoniously here. It seemed only natural that the two might belong to the same city, as the world outside was only merely tolerant to such avidity which belongs only to thinkers.
The people here were as strange as their city--for what else could the Campus be called? Many people of both sexes wore robes denoting their statuses and professions, and many struck me as more than they seemed. A few stopped Master to chat with him, and each in turn widened their eyes at me. At first, it made me uncomfortable, and then I took it as flattery, when each complimented Master on his choice. He bragged about me to them, and I laughed at his complaints about my eating habits, and everyone seemed very pleased to have him back. I realized that he was a favorite of the Campus--and not only because of his natural charisma, but also because he had aided in the training of the majority of the Mages living here, and all his students liked him. I met a few of his former apprentices there, and was initially jealous of them. Then, one pulled me aside, and told me that he had never seen Master smile like that before. I knew I was Master's favorite, and glowed with affection for him for the rest of the day, and managed to infect him with my good cheer. That made me happy, because he had been acting strange since we met Magistra Olivia.
I was as happy for the people hailing us because it let me escape from my own thoughts. I got the uneasy feeling that I had been here before, and that very little had changed. It wasn't the foreboding familiarity of Selenia, thankfully, but rather a peculiar nagging, like rereading a book without realizing it.
Soon, we were at the Towers, and Master patted my head and said that I did well, and I beamed at him. With every step that Master took towards the huge open doors, he seemed to radiate the feeling of gladness and homecoming that even now brings tears to my eyes at the memory. I think that might be my favorite moment of him, strolling casually through the opening, and immediately drawing people to him, welcoming him back with open arms and warmth that even the coldest Winter cannot steal away. His skinny little arms opened wide enough for everyone, and his voice had smile enough to reach even the stoniest heart. I was surprised when a pretty lass came up to him with a warm ale, and then apologized to me, and returned quickly with warm apple cider.
Master walked to a table near a fireplace--complaining about his old bones--and people sat down all around him, some even pulling up chairs from other tables to here tales of his adventures. I gathered that this was the first any had seen of him for a number of years, and managed to get a few names as well. Magister Roland was a large, well-muscled fellow, about half Master's age, who laughed at everything he said; Magistra Elanna--the one who brought our drinks--was a quiet slip of a girl who smiled gently at Master, she almost looked too young to be a Magistra, unless one looked into her eyes; Magistra Vasje was a tall, well-built woman of the Mountain variety, and managed to return each of Master's jokes with a good-natured one of her own--I liked her best, really--and then Magister Jon, a plain man in his early thirties who acted much like Master, which made sense since he had been one of those apprentices, along with Elanna. There were others, but I would learn their names later.
But right then, I was just happy to be here, with Master, and it dawned on me--this was home.
All eyes turned to me, and I silently cursed my absentmindedness. "This, this warm place near the hearth, with people who know Master like I do, and who receive him well--I'm so happy to have a home again." I spoke calmly, though tears had started in many an eye, my own included. "Thank you, Master--thank you for bringing me here, for being here--thank you for everything." My voice quivered here, but I continued. "I get it now, Master: home is not just four walls and a roof, home is being welcomed with ale and cider, home is sharing your travels with the people who love you best, and exchanging jokes with them, and catching up with them--home is a place where no matter how much time passes, nothing ever really changes: where you're always welcome--home isn't a place at all, not really. Home is"--here my voice broke, and tears fell on my cheeks and on his--"Home is people, people you can feel warm with when you're laughing, or talking, or even crying--even when it snows outside." I stopped for a moment and met his gaze directly--"So thanks, Master--thank you for home."
For a moment, he stared at me, and new tears welled in those old eyes, and then he gripped me in a hug so tight I could only whisper "You were right, Master, some tears are happy." I felt him nod, and we both shook with sobs, and I realized that everyone was crying, though some tried to hide it in various degrees, and someone--I think Magistra Vasje--choked out, "Ah, hell, I'll drink to that!" And I smiled through the tears and extricated myself from Master's arms and toasted him, and then the rest, and we all sniffled for a moment and then laughed at ourselves, and drank some more.
It was a beautiful night, and I was truly, finally, at home again. ~~~~~
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 11:26 pm
First, "goldener" is a word. I made sure of that before I used it, and use it I shall, because it strikes odd, don't you think?
Beryl does sound a lot like VelArian, but you must remember the strange circumstances of Beryl's existence. I think by now, we should realize that this is a very special child who speaks like on adult, but who does not always consciously think like one. In addition, he has potent dreams, and a great deal of latent power. My gods, man, the boy has purple eyes!
Keep in mind that this kid has gone through a lot--being orphaned and traveling can take a lot out of anyone--and is going through a lot now. Nova knows that, and isn't pushing him too hard--remember, he's only seven. He may have a few trips with Master as he gets older, but most of his story at first will take place in the Campus. And yes, there may very well be details of life there, but you'll get it gradually, and through his eyes, which right now is very filtered.
I'm glad you're liking it so far, and thanks for editing. It means a lot. I'm going to go back either tonight or tomorrow to touch up the last few posts, so don't think I'm ignoring your advice. I'm not.
Love and Vale, -LD
EDIT: As you yourself said, stories are about the characters and their trials, not worlds. Give the characters a chance to grow up, so they can show it to you.
EDIT EDIT: "Goldener" is old English, so it doesn't show up in MW.
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Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 1:29 am
Thanks for sticking with me through this, everyone! I've been tweaking things a lot lately, not only with the grammar and character development, but with the plot. Like I said from the beginning, I have no idea where this one's gong to go, save a few key events. The way this is written is so far from the linear story that I had intended that they are almost two different stories in truth. You see, as I write this, new forks begin to emerge where I didn't see them at first. The characters start to change in ways that accelerate plot and character development, and I foresee at least two more that will certainly change Beryl, a great deal. I find that writing this story is a lot like living my life--there's a whole lot of leeway I'm given as a writer, and as a person, and I can change a lot of things, but some things are inevitable. Like the realization that his parents are dead, and overcoming it, or finding out that he isn't like other children and learning to deal with it--these little things may very well be more meaningful then the plot itself. Not to suggest, of course, that there won't be "trials and tribulations" of the hefty sort. And of course, I'm sure you're all curious as to when we'll get to where Beryl becomes VelArian. And to who Selene is, and Solandr. More about Olivia and Nova, and, yes, more about Campus life. Please, let the story unfold the way it was meant to. I'm doing my best not to overdo it, or underdo it, and to remain true to the characters, and their story. But...for the sake of fandom, I will let a little bit of the plot line leak out: you know how I start every post with VelArian? Well, that's because there is a second main character every bit as complex and/or messed-up as he is--and her name is Valentyne. We'll see a lot more of her after a certain plot event much later in VelArian's storyline.
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Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 2:22 pm
Sorry to go way back, but I've got to comment on the prologue.... It says something along the lines of "So, here...here..." I'd fix that.
You asked, little brother, and I'll fix. Sorry, it's just the editor coming out in me. You should see how much I mark up my papers before I even turn them in. heart
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Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 3:20 pm
Yes, typically, my stories have to bleed quite a bit before I let people read them. This is something of an exception, though.... Forgive the errors, little sister, and thanks for commenting. I do hope you'll continue to read....
Love and Vale, -LD
EDIT: Post 50! w00t!
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:46 pm
VelArian ~~~~~ That night, I slept in a real bed, one with multiple blankets and goose-down pillows, in a room whose walls were almost entirely hidden by bookshelves. The single window was frosty with Winter's chill, but the little candle on a table right in front of it shed warm hues with its light, coloring the smooth stone red and orange and yellow, and I remember staring at the flickering flame until....
The little flame grew stronger and stronger, and the black of my eyelids was replaced by emanating shades of yellow and orange and red as a huge ball seemed to fall from the sky.
I sighed. "Isn't it amazing?" I asked him, and he smiled in answer, his hair catching all the colors of the dying sunlight so perfectly, my breath caught. He looked at me with those eyes more golden than gold, and said, "Beautiful." He wasn't talking about the sunset. He leaned down and kissed me so tenderly, and my mouth moved in return. The heavens began to purple, and he told me my eyes sparkled, and I ran playfully away from him, laughing. He caught me eventually, and kissed me with hunger, and I laughed at his enthusiasm. He blushed a little, the final crimson of dusk alighting perfectly on his features, and I kissed him back, and took his hand, and we walked down the beach together, towards....
...Suddenly we were on a white ballroom floor, slow-dancing under the moon, and then tangoing on red-veined marble in another sunset while coconut palms swayed all around us, as if to dance themselves, and then...
I vaguely wondered when the floor had broken, and then realized that the sun faded to the color of thick blood. His blood. I screamed in anguish and disbelief.
"Beryl, boy! It's only a nightmare. Calm yourself. It's only a dream. Relax."
My eyes, wide open, slowly shut. I opened one eye and lifted the blanket. No yellow. I sighed, thanking any god that chose to listen, and passed out. ~~~~~
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:58 pm
After that, I did not wake until morning. I had a headache, and began to wonder what was in the cider. I got up, displacing an orange cat with creamy stripes, and looked around the room. Master was nowhere to be found. Books with words like "arcane" lined the walls from ceiling to floor. The room had a certain organized chaos to it, what with the table overflowing with papers and journals, and with a number of colored inkwells with feathers of various plumage awaiting scribe work. The striped orange cat looked at me with a mix of apprehension and obvious disinterest, from a cushioned chair in the corner of the room while I looked out the window, and saw the whole Campus spread before my eyes.
"So you're up, then?" Master opened the door with one hand and carried a tray with the other. "Normally, you'd be doing this, but between your nightmare and your unfortunate run-in with that cider--I should have known it was spiked--I figured I would go ahead and get it, just for today." As he wandered in, he took one look at the table, sighed, and set the tray on the bed. Good smells rose from beneath the white cloth, and even the cat decided to check it out. "No, Pumpkin! Don't you remember the last time you tried to eat people food, you fool girl?" He berated her sharply, and she ignored him quite felinely as she stole a bit of bacon from my plate. I laughed, and bit into a flaky biscuit with honey on top, and thanked Master for remembering me. He just chuckled. "After last night, no one could forget you. Least of all me." He stopped for a moment and went on in a gruffer tone. "Anyway, you start your Lettering and Arithmetic lessons with Magistra Elanna tomorrow, and your History and Customs lessons with Magistra Vasje. Magister Glyn will teach you about the types of Magics, and their uses, and the professions that follow each, as well as philosophies, social studies, and the Sciences. Magister Alexandyr will teach you how to paint, and play instruments, and instruct you in languages and in speech--not that you need that, obviously." I wondered what he meant by that, but he went on. "You will learn something important from everyone. Today, we must go and have you officially enrolled for Spring when you'll start living with your peers. And we need to get you new robes, and your own paper and pens and--well, obviously, we've much to do, and very little time to do it. So what do you say you finish eating and we'll be on--"
"Master?" I interrupted, looking down at my cleaned plate. "Do you think we could grab another meat pie on the way?"
Master just stared at me for a moment, then shook his head and agreed. ~~~~~
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 9:26 am
Oooh, he's such an adorable kid! [blinks] I can't think of anything else. Its magnificent.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 12:12 pm
Yeah, he really is. Thanks Tommy!
Love and Vale, -LD
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 12:36 am
VelArian ~~~~~ I got my meat pie, and ate it while we walked the marketplace. Master had me try on robes, and bought inks for me. I asked why I had to be there after the fifth inkwell--this one of white ink, of all things--if all he was going to do was shop. He sighed in annoyance, and told me that, one, he was buying these things for me, and that I shouldn't complain, and that, two, it was important that I learn which papers were best for writing on, or painting on, and which inks dry best and retain their color, and don't smear. By the end of it, I was wishing that I had said nothing at all, but later I would be glad for this lesson. Master did know what was truly important for a boy, even when he didn't. Of course, at that time and others, it slipped my mind as I pouted.
After our errands, and talking to a number of people who recognized Master and walked up to us on the street, we went to a candy shoppe named Sweet Dreams, where we sat down and shared a frosted cinnamon bun. It was not as much to my liking as the honeyed type, and I told Master so, and he laughed and told me not to avoid new things because they were unusual. I think that's what reminded me of her. "Why doesn't Magistra Olivia like you, Master? Did you flirt with her too much?"
He stopped his hand a moment before another piece of the bun entered his mouth, and waved it around in annoyance, telling me it was none of my business. At the look on my face, he sighed, popped in the piece, and chewed thoughtfully. Finally, he said, "It's a long story, boy. But I don't think she doesn't like me--she's just mad at me. Which is better than nothing." When I asked him what he meant, he told me, "Well, if she didn't like me at all, or didn't care about me, than she wouldn't be mad, would she? The fact that she's upset proves that she missed me."
When I said that that is an odd way of showing it, he laughed and said that yes, yes it was, but there's a woman's response for me. I cocked my head a bit and really thought about it for a moment before responding. "I guess that makes sense. But expressing coldness to show that you missed someone seems to me a lot like hitting them to show that you love them. It would make more sense to me just to let it go, and be at peace with things. Unless something else happened that would have made her angry, and then left to brood on that thing while you were away...."
I looked at him expectantly, and I watched his face turn introspective, then shocked, then guilty. He met my eyes again and laughed and jumped up and pulled me from my seat into a hug. His voice was excited when he chattered, "I knew I picked well with you, boy! Such a quick mind, and with a mage's words at such a young age! I'm almost frightened to think how far you'll go with that mind of yours, not to mention your power! And your kindness. Beryl, never have I admired an apprentice like I do you."
His words were so sincere that I could not rebuff them, or revel in them. I looked down at my shoes, and a pretty young waitress in her early twenties with auburn hair and freckles and green eyes came over to say how cute I was, narrowly saving me from an awkward moment. Of course, we stayed for another cinnamon bun, and the waitress, who introduced herself as Lita, laughed pleasantly when I asked for honeyed almonds on top. Her laugh reminded me of a birdsong from the birds back in the Vale, and I told her so, smiling as only children can. She blushed prettily, and ran off with the order. Master asked where on earth I got these things, and if my parents were poets or bards. I thought it an odd question, and when I replied that they had been orchard tenders, Master laughed and said it was rhetorical. I started to ask what rhetorical was when Miss Lita came back. She put down the steaming bun, and proclaimed, "On the house!" She scooted in next to me, pushing me just enough so she would fit on the bench with me, and started chatting with Master. We all started picking at the sweet once it had cooled down a bit, and Miss Lita exclaimed, "He was right, the honeyed almonds do make a great deal of difference! I'll have to tell Pierre--he'll absolutely love this! In fact...." She pulled a butter knife out of her pink apron and sliced off a piece and ran into the kitchen. Master looked stunned at what had just happened.
Then we heard cursing in a foreign language from a man, and Lita's hurried explanation in the same. A man with dark hair and eyes in a white outfit with a big hat came out and introduced himself as Chef Pierre, and asked in broken Common for the boy who had made this delectable treat. I raised my head and looked at him, and he said something in another language to Lita, and she "ahhed" and nodded, and I think I caught the word "purple", but everything else was lost. "All this over a few nuts?" Master looked befuddled.
"No, Master. The honey adds warmth to the cinnamon and evens out the flavors of the frosting and cinnamon. The almonds add a different texture to that of the bread, and contrast the sweetness of the dish with a...well, a nutty flavor." Master's jaw dropped, so I clarified: "The honeyed almonds complete the dish." Miss Lita translated all this to Pierre, whose eyes shone at me like I was a rare jewel. He smiled so big I had to smile back, and he told me, slowly, to "Come back, anytime. Free sweet on Sevday." I grinned and nodded, and Master and all four of us finished up the bun.
"How did you do that, boy?" Master asked, still amazed.
"Do what?"
"You know, how did you know what would be best?"
"I tasted it, and thought, 'hey, this would be great with honey and nuts'."
He just shook his head and smiled. "You're something else, boy."
"Just honest. And hungry a lot. That's all."
To that Master only smiled. Sweet Dreams would be another place we visited often. By then midday had become early afternoon, and Master decided that we should go back to the Towers and sign me up, maybe introduce me to some teachers too. ~~~~~
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 9:50 am
Well I kept reading, little brother. Looks good to me...I've only got one problem:
Where's the rest of it???
LoL
heart dramallama heart
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 12:27 pm
Sorry i haven't been posting, been busy working and getting ready for the fall semester that starts this month, just noticed a few things. Quote: He told me, afterwards, that he didn't want to leave either, but that it was something that they just had to do shouldn't it be we? Quote: And that was that. Master left me at Gina's or a few days i think you meant for Quote: --these are noble things no good Mage would think himself to high for hmm too? Quote: I was surprised when a pretty lass came up to his with a warm ale, and then apologized to me, and returned quickly with warm apple cider should be him and the story is unfolding, good as usual, the dreams kind of confuse me, but I guess once i read more of the story they'll make sense
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:18 pm
Wow, Beryl is going to be a ladykiller when he gets older. Great work on this chapter, and the imagery is great. I'm looking forward to the personalities and quirks the teachers will have.
No offense, Leavaros, but I think you should forget about magic and have Beryl become a master chef instead. Your descriptions of food are captivating, and would make for a brilliant story.
I give you lots of suggestions because there are no real problems in your writing. The work is solid, so all I can note is similarities and contrasts to other works. Right now, this story actually reminds me alot of the Redwall books by Brian Jaques. The style of storytelling is similar, and the descriptions and language are just as vivid. If you haven't looked into these, I think you would find them rather charming and inspiring.
If you had to compare the story segments here to a visual media, what would you consider it? The chapters here seem like a scrapbook or a photo album of Beryl's youth, at least to me (I would compare DMO to an anime or a sitcom, and perhaps long novels like Harry Potter to a movie). From the scenes we see here, we can imagine what Beryl's real everyday life was like quite well. However, as a medium for telling a complete story this style of writing is a difficult thing to work with. Not that it can't be done--especially by a writer like yourself--but it will take real effort to pull off. Best of luck with it, and see you next chapter! 3nodding
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