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 Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 8:10 pm
trust me, if I knew who wrote it, I'd want to kick there a**. The joke makes no sense
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Posted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 1:47 am
Pants King GAP. It stands for "Gay and Proud" Not really offensive though. And I'm not one for Carlos Mencia, his act is funny, but all his shows are almost exactly the same. >.> I actually lol'd when I saw that one. xd
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Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 5:41 am
I absolutely love Gay Jokes, in fact, I've got a tonne of them.
Gay Pride
An employee of US Air with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down to an empty seat.
Soon after that, the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am."
The flight attendant said, " I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay. who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
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Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 11:59 am
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 11:51 am
Just before I make any more posts in this thread, I feel the need to point out that I myself am Gay. I just thought it best to point that out incase anyone thought I was being prejudiced or somethin'.
Jolly Flight Attendant
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, b__ch, so put the tray up!"
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 2:43 pm
LOL xd
oh man! And you dont have to worry about it. It's a gay joke section.. as long as it isnt pointless and extreamly rude you're good. blaugh
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 3:45 pm
And so it goes on!
(Chuckle) I can never get tired of this. xp
Mother Knows Best!
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:54 pm
Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?
A: Someone has to mow the lawn.
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: A tooth fairy.
A drunk guy walks into a bar. He looks to the left and says "You're all a bunch of assholes". Then he looks to the right and says "you're all a bunch of queers". Suddenly, a man on the left side of the room jumps up starts to run to the other side of the room. The drunk guy roars, "where do you think you're going". To which the man replies, "I'm on the wrong side of the room".
Q: How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
A: All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 5:10 pm
More:
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
~~~~~~~
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
~~~~~~~
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
~~~~~~~
"Let 'Em Rave"
(To the tune of "Let It Snow")
O the fundies outside are frightful
But we Queers are so delightful.
They're quite disturbed we are Gay, but
Let 'em rave! Let 'em rave! Let 'em rave!
They scream and they wave their Bible
Shouting hateful libel.
We know they're all closet Gays, so
Let 'em rave! Let 'em rave! Let 'em rave!
When we finally kiss goodnight
We'll be sure that the fundies can see.
During kiss-ins they get up-tight
'Cuz they'd like to join you and me!
They're zeal is slowly dying
They'll soon be Queer-sex trying.
I did their pastor just the other day, so
Let 'em rave! Let 'em rave! Let 'em rave!
(http://www.commonplacebook.com/humor/gay/xmassongs.shtm)
~~~~~~~
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
~~~~~~~
Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the p***y willows."
She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 5:18 pm
Even More
The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Author Unknown
13. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
12. If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
11. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
10. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
9. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
8. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
6. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
5. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
4. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
3. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
2. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
and Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...
1. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.
~~~~~~~
6 Reasons Tinky Winky Can't Be Gay
1. The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really, clash-o-rama.
2. He's kinda obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially public figures) are in terrific shape. Bit too much pudding, Tink?
3. That headpiece. A gold star for its FABULOUS height, but it really doesn't have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. It absolutely demands bugle beads, or something lacey.
4. He hangs out in a meadow. Not a bush or tree in sight. A bit too daring for anything but the quickest quickie.
5. He's a really bad dancer.
6. The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who would go with a name like that.... HELLO, it screams "I'm small down there and I don't care who knows it."
~~~~~~~
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," the young woman said.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
~~~~~~~
You Know You're Gay When...
Author Unknown
1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it.
15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
16. Your pets always have great names.
17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
18. You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
19. You know how to get a waiter's attention.
20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
22. You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle.
23. You get to choose your family.
24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
25. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
26. You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.
27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
28. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
29. You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.
30. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
31. You know how to "air kiss".
32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having... and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you've been for two weeks.
33. You know how to dress strategically.
34. You know when to move out and move on.
35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
36. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
38. You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.
39. You know which wine to bring.
40. Sales clerks don't mess with you.
41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
43. You've just about defeated the accent you were born with.
44. You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
47. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
49. You wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 8:58 pm
AkureiKnight jibberish Blood Driven Kitten Q: What does one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire? A: "See you next month!" Can't.. breathe! xD Maaaan.. You never post in here anymore! gonk gonk I'm sorry! I'll try to do it more often now that school's out!
;-; Forgive me?
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Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 1:09 pm
jibberish AkureiKnight jibberish Blood Driven Kitten Q: What does one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire? A: "See you next month!" Can't.. breathe! xD Maaaan.. You never post in here anymore! gonk gonk I'm sorry! I'll try to do it more often now that school's out!
;-; Forgive me? Lol of course! (glomps) blaugh heart
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Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 1:36 pm
AkureiKnight jibberish AkureiKnight jibberish Blood Driven Kitten Q: What does one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire? A: "See you next month!" Can't.. breathe! xD Maaaan.. You never post in here anymore! gonk gonk I'm sorry! I'll try to do it more often now that school's out!
;-; Forgive me? Lol of course! (glomps) blaugh heart Yay! n___n
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