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 Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2021 7:51 pm
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The laugh was reassuring, and Ilya managed a bit of a smile. It didn't sound self deprecating, which was a good start, he thought. At the very least, it meant Yu hadn't shut down parts of himself to try and keep going.
"I'm not a shrink, no. But you've fallen in love with someone who wants to be one." And he had, too, at one point in time. "So they can't all be bad. A good thing to keep in mind if you ever want to talk to one and see if they can help you figure out how to tame those thoughts."
He didn't know what Yu thought of him, not now, and not before, but he said, "It's nice, you know. To have someone you can go to and just talk to. About anything. Everything. I've said stupid things to mine. Or, at least. I thought they were stupid. But their job is to help you. They work for you. It's helped me. If the thought tempts you, I work with a program that can get you a few free sessions to see if it's for you. After that, it's affordable, for as long as you choose to show up."
There was a lot on the table. Ilya wasn't going to drive obligation into him.
Some people didn't want to talk to others. Some people didn't know how. Some couldn't afford it.
He supposed Yu must fall into all of those categories and would just make excuses, and now wasn't the time to fuss with him.
He was here. He was clean. He was eating. He was planning.
"But if you need to talk, I'm here. If this was your fault, I'd tell you. I'm not going to beat around the bush about that. But I can't sit here and let you take the blame for something someone else did. It's not the same as if you burned down the house. If I recall, you were pulling things out of the house, even after you knew it was on fire. And it's not the same as if you pushed Priam off of that building, either. You didn't have to take him into your house. You didn't have to care for him. You went out of your way to take care of him. And that says more about you than you seem to realize, Yu."
He shifted positions just slightly.
"You've fought to protect this life you've built for yourself. Tooth and nail. You gave me a chance when I moved next to you, and you defended your life when you thought I was trying to ruin it. You didn't act, you reacted. Your heart's so big you manage to love two people at the same time, and Sterling's happier than I've ever known. You've picked up burdens just to make their lives easier. It can't have been easy to take care of Priam after that fall, but I've seen you out with the dogs, helping him through the garden. I've met monsters Yu. I've met bad people. People who deserve to suffer. You? You were a kid who got the s**t end of the stick, repeatedly. I'll bet you always had a good heart. You just didn't have the chance to prove it. You can tell me I'm wrong, but," he shrugged. "I've already made up my mind. I thought you might be trouble too, when I first met you. But I can't imagine it, now. I just think about the way the other two look at you, the way Sterling's eyes sparkle when he says your name. He talks about you, all the time. How could you be bad when you've brought so much good into his life?"
'Michael' was the problem. A stranger willing to pick off people he'd never met, people he didn't know, just to hurt someone. A stranger who hated so deeply he was willing to ruin as many lives as it took--for what? For the sick satisfaction of having the power to do so?
Had the Negaverse given him power and now he thought it was his to play with? Was he going around, trying to pick off anyone who had been a threat to him in the past? Hurting people for fun, for sport?
Michael was the one to blame. The one orchestrating all of this, dragging Yu and everyone he knew through fire and flame, for no reasonable purpose.
Yu was nothing like that.
Yu was human.
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Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2021 8:14 pm
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“I don’t feel like we can rule out that I’m trouble,” Yu said with a shake of his head, but a tired smile for all that.
“I’ve at least got more than enough people who say I am, and for all that I finally found a job I can hold down, there were plenty I just couldn’t. Plus I like… start fights, I keep knives on me, It took a lot to not hide one under my pillow when I moved in with Sterling.
There was normally one under the dilapidated mattress, but that was different… totally.
Though… he had learned to do something like knitting because he couldn’t think of a good gift. There was a fair argument that he had a soft spot for more than just …sweets.
He poked at the food, half wanting more and half out of sorts because of what he’d shared. He ate a bite more anyhow just to see how it settled.
“For…what it’s worth. I… think, good people love lots of people. I think they just love them in different ways. So, I… I don’t think I’ve got like a bigger heart or anything. I’m just kinda …selfish and it worked out okay - if I didn’t mess things up too bad.”
“I don’t know, I guess… unless you’re hurting people, no one should feel bad about how they love.”
"And... you're... probably right about the system too Priam's... pretty damn good proof that there are good doctors. I mean, I...hate doctors. But, I don't think anyone could go to Priam and be treated in any way but...awesomely. It just made it worse when he got thrown like that. Like... to do that to PRIAM. That's like kicking kittens or something."
... sort of like when he pulled Sterling's starseed.
You could regret the kick but...you still did it.
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Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 5:46 am
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Ilya smiled again; he'd finished the pierogi he was working on and moved to the potato pancake, working on it with similar small incisions and bites.
"You're too hard on yourself, Yu. Just because someone else isn't giving you a hard time doesn't mean you need to be the one to do it."
Another bite, chew, swallow.
He picked up the pen and began to write again, whenever a new thought popped into his head. He was trying to remember the details as it came to him, anything he could about the man who had attacked him.
...He felt cold, like the ice was covering his hands again, like it slipped into his lungs.
He had the urge to cough and a brief wave of heat rolled through him, replaced almost instantly by cold.
Like most things, Ilya supposed he could work through sickness.
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Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 7:03 am
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Ilya's eyes darted up from the page he was writing, to Yu, and then back to the page.
He didn't answer immediately, finishing his train of thought before it disappeared.
He looked like he was going to say he was fine, but the muscle in his jaw clenched.
He wasn't setting a very good example of being open and honest if he was lying to Yu.
He inhaled. He held it. He exhaled.
"I've been better. Priam told me I should take it easy but I don't know how to slow down when I'm stressed. I'll sleep well tonight." He could feel the fatigue, feel the heaviness of everything. "We'll see what the morning brings. I'm cold," he said, and finally set the pen down so he could rub his hands together.
He wasn't all put together, no matter how hard he tried.
"But I'll make time to rest after this is sorted out. Here," he said, tearing the sheet he'd just been writing on and passing over the description. "This is all I can remember about him."
He'd written down the time. An estimated height. What he thought he remembered of skin, of hair. He hadn't seen eyes, but Yu's description felt right. He wrote down what colors he remembered--the texture of the sleeve he was certain he'd grabbed at some point in time.
"I don't know if my mind is filling in the blanks. It was dark, but he was close. If I remember anything else, I'll make sure I tell you as soon as I can. I think this is right, but it's a haze. Everything happened so quickly. I didn't even know what I should have been paying attention to. I'm sorry."
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Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 8:16 am
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Ilya found it easier to breathe, even if he felt a bit more tense about all of this.
"Smart. I don't know how he's getting information on you, but if he's in the Negaverse, he might have access to a Mauvian, too. Which," he seemed like he was debating it, but finally shrugged. "...Would be dangerous. But he got your file, and I don't know how he managed that, so I think it's a good idea to be careful."
But, they were. This was grounding, this was more than just running away or fighting blindly in the night.
"Just make sure it's someone you trust. We don't want him to suspect that you know. And I don't want you any more in danger than you already are. I'll need you in one piece if you're going to make me soup or meat pies. Although, speaking of food. Do you want more, something else? ...I've got some cake if you need a change of flavor. It's not Sterling's, but it isn't bad. My brother just sent it for--" he didn't finish the thought and changed the rest of the sentence without missing a beat, "I won't finish it on my own. It's too decadent. If you don't want it now, you're welcome to come back and help me with it later."
Because this didn't end when the problem was taken care of.
He wanted Yu to keep making plans. To remember that the world wasn't always so twisted.
And, after all of this, maybe they could be friends. When someone wasn't trying to ruin everything.
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Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 11:21 am
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Ilya smiled again, an amused expression, as he rose from his seat. "If you want to stay long enough to make soup, you're welcome to. But if you want to rest on the couch while someone's watching your back, that offer's open too. I'll get you some cake so you can think on it."
He disappeared, again for only a moment, and returned with a small plate and a sizably cut piece of chocolate ganache cake. He set it down on the table next to Yu, along with a clean fork and knife.
"I like sweets as much as the next person. But my younger brother, Eli, has sent me a whole cake, and I think he misjudges how much a human can eat before something this size goes bad. Eli, has a sweet tooth, too. And a metabolism that demands more food than my body could manage. But I suppose he's earned it, he was in the hospital for a while so he has a lot to make up for. I've mentioned Sterling's baking to him and he's very excited to visit so he can try it. You should spend more time with Sterling in the kitchen, maybe some of his baking skills can rub off on you?" he suggested. "...Or, maybe if you watch closely enough, you can at least learn whatever secrets he's hiding. I don't think it's human, what he's able to do. He and I could follow the same recipe and somehow his would still turn out better."
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Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2021 8:28 pm
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Maybe Ilya understood that, the need to do something.
Hosting was easy, he could busy himself with taking care of someone. But Yu had nothing to busy himself with except being taken care of, and that was hardly something to focus on.
"I do, actually," he said suddenly, recalling what was in his fridge. "It's not a whole chicken, but I do have some that's pretty fresh. And vegetables. You're welcome to my kitchen. I wish I could say I have the same selection of fresh herbs I used to, but."
He glanced out the nearest window, watching as the snow fell.
"I didn't really bother trying to get it back up again. I'm back to my little pots in the window, it seems. But you can use whatever you need."
The kitchen wasn't a sacred place for him; it was a place to work. Everything had a place, everything was clean and organized.
But, these were chaotic times.
How bad could offering it to Yu really be?
"Do you like space while you work?"
His polite version of asking if Yu maybe wanted some time to himself after all of this.
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