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His hands pulled away to reveal a face that was indeed red, the corners of his eyes wet and the entirety of him shaking with laughter along with Ian.

“Fine!” he countered, just as loudly, even though being that they were so close, there was absolutely no need to shout. “You’re just brilliant, aren’t you? My shining star, my sunshine, you make me haaaaaaappy, when skies are greeeey…”

He sang along until he couldn’t sing anymore, until his voice cracked into something unintelligible as Ian’s fingers found his sides. And then he continued laughing, until those sides hurt from all the laughter, from the unending teasing from Ian’s merciless fingers against them, his touch so ticklish it was driving Shiloh mad. It was like making up for a month’s worth of sadness, the sounds came tumbling out of him and he let it without a care, not bothering to try and stop it.

Thankfully, Ian bothered. He bothered to stop it in the best of ways, as his lips met Shiloh’s and Shiloh leaned up without hesitation, meeting Ian’s mouth and demanding more. He slipped his hands over Ian’s shoulders, sliding his fingers in his hair as he pulled him down against him.

“Not adorable,” he whispered, mouthing the words against Ian’s lips before diving in again, then leaving them only to find his chin, his jawline, pressing kisses to every inch of his skin.

“You’re pretty cute though,” he said as he reached Ian’s neck. He giggled a little, before continuing his ministrations.

“So cute I could just eat you up.”

Laughter was one of the most natural things in the world to Shiloh, it was enjoyment, it was happiness, and it was a defense mechanism. Nothing in the world seemed so bad if you could find a reason to laugh about it, or something to laugh about. Admittedly he wasn’t sure what he would have found to laugh about in Ian’s absence but then too, laughter was useful, it hid away the sadness, it lessened it for just a bit, even if the joke it was over was pointless or not that funny at all.

But his laughter now was genuine, unabashedly unrestrained as he tucked himself against Ian, beneath his fingers and against his body, as he kissed him and Ian kissed him back and together they laughed, tangled up on the floor.

His lips had found Ian’s neck, or he had tried to but Ian’s reaction was unexpected and Shiloh looked up with concern, pulling back just a bit. It wasn’t a violent reaction, just a flinch as Ian tensed up but it was enough that Shiloh noticed, enough that he worried.

“Don’t apologize,” he chided him softly, waiting for Ian to explain. But no explanation came, only a soft kiss on his lips instead lingering until Ian pulled away. The mood changed entirely as Ian got to his feet, even if he hadn’t said anything the slight silence was enough in a room that had just been filled with raucous laughter. Shiloh pushed himself up from the floor and stood, staring at Ian’s back as he made his way to the dresser.

Should he push further? Or should he leave it alone? If Ian had wanted to tell him, he would have, Shiloh thought, but maybe he was afraid, maybe he needed help. Tentatively he opened his mouth, then still unsure, he closed it, reaching up to scratch his head, fingers threading through his hair.

“Yeah, okay,” he answered, a bit dazed. “What is there left to take? I can grab it.”

The moments that stretched between them felt strangely long, Shiloh’s eyes fixed on Ian’s back as he tried to sort through the situation. Ian saved him having to step, in however, as he finally turned around and Shiloh took the stack from him, tucking the items against his chest as he wrapped his arms around them.

“You say that, Ian, but you know I’m going to worry, I love you, it’s impossible to not worry. I’m excited for all that stuff too but…” He scuffed his foot against the floor, taking a deep breath before glancing up at him.

“Even if we’re okay, like that, you are part of that we, you know, so it’s important that you are okay too and it’s… It’s okay not to be okay too! Stuff is scary, it’s downright terrifying but you don’t have to bear it alone, Ian. Right, that’s why we’re together. Well, it’s not the whole reason obviously but we’re a team, we’re partners.”

The words as usual were easy, Shiloh never being at a loss for them but he struggled to get across the right meaning, with how to put how he really felt. He had no idea how to put it delicately, how to tell Ian that he was afraid that if he kept it in, everything would happen all over again in some sort of awful cycle. He didn’t want history to repeat itself but more than anything, he didn’t want Ian to ever have to feel like that again, like he was alone, like there was nowhere he could turn to.

“You don’t have to pretend you’re okay,” he said, his voice soft, sympathetic. “It’s okay not to be.”

It’s not like Shiloh could exactly talk, his closet of skeletons having grown quite full itself, but perhaps that was why he’d clued in so quickly, why he’d immediately recognized Ian’s behavior. It was easy to spot it, to see the signs when he did the exact same thing himself.

He wasn’t sure how Ian would react, having no sort of experience or knowledge to draw on in this sort of situation. He prepared himself for a rebuke, for anything, decided that he’d been the one to put the words out there, so he’d have to take responsibility for what came next. The staring, of course, wasn’t all that surprising, after all, Shiloh was usually just as quick to brush things off as Ian, to sweep them under the rug in favor of pleasantness. But to have the books and papers pull from his arms and then to find himself pulled, without hesitation, without warning, into Ian’s arms, into his kiss, that surprised him. It was a welcome surprise, as always, but a surprise nonetheless.

“You’re a real boy,” he couldn’t help but tease Ian with soft laughter, as he brought his hand against the back of his head, rubbing it gently as Ian tucked his face against his shoulder. Cradling his head, his other arm looped around Ian, hugging him back just as tightly.

He leaned his chin against Ian’s head, content to wrap himself around him, as if by doing so he could get across exactly what words were failing him right now.

“We’ll get through this, Ian, we’ll get through this together. If it takes a month, a year, a lifetime, it doesn’t matter. I’m here for you, now,” he reached down to lift up Ian’s face, pressing in for a kiss, gentle and slow. “And I’m here for you as long as you need me. It’s not… It’s not weak to need help Ian, it’s not. And in fact, I think it’s really strong that you can admit it, that you’re willing to say that… To me, that’s very brave.”

Neglecting to add that it was something he wished he could do, he brushed his fingers across Ian’s forehead, through what was left of his bangs, and smile down at him.

“This island it’s so… It’s so… Just, s**t, you know? The stuff we have to go through here, it would be enough to break the strongest guy. And to have to fight yourself on top of it… You’re not weak, Ian, not at all. You’re still standing here right? That’s a start.”

To Shiloh, it never sounded cheesy.

Those three words were something precious, something he’d longed to hear for so long. They were just words, it was true, but he knew that when those three words left his mouth, it was because he meant them, with every fibre of his being he meant that he loved Ian, that he cherished him more than Ian, or he himself, could even fathom. For him, those three words were never said flippantly or without meaning – he’d spend far too much of his life wasting his ‘I love you’ on people that didn’t matter, people that would never say it back or if they did, it was out of duty, out of obligation and when coupled with their actions, it meant nothing.

Ian was the first person he’d wanted to say it to, and the first person he’d had enough hope that someday there would be one given back to him. He’d been thrown off at first, when Ian couldn’t say it, but there was a difference between not being able to and saying it just because, and Shiloh had appreciated the honesty, he’d understood. And it was unfortunate that on Deus, dreams had become as real as reality, and he gotten to hear those words, but it was never right, it was never really what it seemed. They’d been wonderful to hear but they’d been just that, a dream, something that disappeared the moment they woke up.

Not that he hadn’t believed Ian loved him, because unlike the disappointments Shiloh had met with most of his life, Ian’s actions were stronger than his words, they’d always reassured him, they saved him from doubt.

At least they had, until everything unraveled.

And it had unraveled and part of him had been crushed, that night on the beach, part of him that still hesitated to believe Ian when he said those words because that same mouth had also said the exact opposite, had said that he didn’t, and it was a painful memory that was hard to forget.

But Shiloh wanted to, and he wanted to believe each word.

“Shhh,” he said as softly as he could as Ian hoisted him upward, repeated those words over and over. He’d had wanted to hear them for so long but it was almost too much now, the zealousness of it overbearing. Ian could say it a million times and it wouldn’t change anything because though they were precious to Shiloh, he didn’t know, he couldn’t know. Only time would tell, and that was what they needed, time together, not a mantra. But that didn’t stop him from doing the same thing.

“I love you too, Ian. I love you so much.”

That at least, hadn’t changed, hadn’t wavered. He’d known that he loved Ian from the first time he said it, and no absence would ever be long enough to take that away.

“It’s okay to be scared, I’m scared too. Everything is terrifying but I don’t want to be terrified of you, you know. And I don’t want… I don’t want to scare you either, but I do love you, I never stopped loving you. I love you so damn much, so please, please Ian, work with me okay. We can help each other, we can be strong together.”

Please don’t go away again.

Shiloh didn’t want to linger on the past, because doing so would consume, would consume both of them. But to move forward he had to be cognizant of it, he couldn’t blindly turn away and pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t. Saying things were okay didn’t make it actually so and Shiloh had to be aware of that, had to accept. At least, part of him felt that way, felt like he should be that way.

The other part of him, the part that he had a difficult time saying no to, just wanted to forgive and forget the whole thing. It would be glad to pretend the whole of it never happened, to remove that blip from his radar entirely.

Yet that wouldn't be fair, not to him and not to Ian. He wanted to help Ian, but there was no way he could do it with his head stuck selfishly in the sand, because that was easier for him. If Ian was willing to put himself out there, to relent and admit and move forward, Shiloh had to be too. He wanted to be.

He wanted to be here with Ian, in a hug so tight it was almost choking. He wanted to stumble with him through their relationship, through their lives, through the good and bad. It didn’t have to be perfect or good all the time, just so long as it was with Ian, he was sure they could make it through, that they could support each other and overcome the obstacles in their way. Love made you stronger, didn’t it? Knowing that someone loved him, that someone cared about him so much, it was a wonderful thing and Shiloh had no plans of going anywhere, he never had.

“I won’t,” he promised through kisses, his arms just as tight around Ian, fingers digging into his shoulders as he held on through the incessant kisses, matching them with his own fervor, his own passionate intent. There was no protest as Ian laid them down onto the bed, because moving could wait, they had a lifetime to move, to do all the things of little consequence, things that were necessary but not intimate, things that didn’t provide the reprieve that losing themselves in each other did.

There wasn’t a need for words, but Shiloh said them anyway, leaning up as his lips found the soft skin of Ian’s ear, his breath warm and his mouth even more so as he whispered against it.

“I love you.”