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 Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 11:07 am
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Keep Smiling – Growth Solo, Amazon - 3713 words
Kaalnia carefully pressed her red-dyed, paste-coated thumb to her shoulder, tracing out one of the paint patterns she had become accustomed to adorning herself with. Her face was crunched up in concentration, but she was listening to Petrykala, her friend, she really was.
“I'm worried about her, Kaa...” her friend said. Her face was creased like one of Sauti's dried fruits, her hair already beginning to turn the salt-and-pepper grey of age. She was far too young for either, but the wars had taken their toll. An unfair toll, if you asked Kaalnia, but wars were rarely fair.
“Kylesa?” Kaalnia said, moving along her arm. She named one of the younglings that the woman cared for. One of many, unfortunately.
“And Iristi... and Ophela... and Haumeris...” The woman said. Kaalnia pitied the woman for what she had chosen to do. For younglings orphaned by war and abandoned by exile, this sister had stepped up to restore the ties of family that bound the tribe. She took the children in, and tried her best to set them up with sisters who could take them in. It was a monumental task, but also to be proud of because it just went to show that, despite the crap with the extremists, Alkidike looked after their own.
“But I'm guessing mostly Ky, huh.” said Kaalnia. Of the children that Petrykala cared for, Kylesa was the least resilient... and that was fine – the tribe needed some sensitive souls to hold back the bloodthirsty ones. - but it did mean that the poor girl had been hit hard by the Extremist exile, and she was slow to recover. Honestly, when half of your immediate family was injured or even slain by members of your own tribe, and when your own mothers chose exile over returning to you, how could a kid not be hurt? It was a wonder the girl was doing as well as she was... which was, apparently, not without it's hitches.
“Yes...” her friend admitted. Kaalnia knew that Petrykala did not like to admit anything like weakness. That she did now spoke of her trust in Kaalnia, though Kaalnia saw no shame in having trouble with this particular affair. Petry shouldn't have to do this alone.
“Want me to go and talk to her?” said Kaalnia, daubing paste on her face and antennae with great care,
“Would you?” Kaalnia looked at Petrykala and smiled lightly. Petrykala also did not like asking for help.
“Sure! You know me, I can relate to them. Child at heart, you know?” She laughed the free, unrestrained laugh that was her trademark. The truth was, she could relate to the children in Petrykala's care in other ways, too; fear, pain, nightmares that were too real and wouldn't go away... she'd had them all. And then there was Kiki, the child that now lived in exile. , Kaa wondered how she was doing. She hoped she was happy, there. So far away...
“True.” Petrykala said, a shadow of a smile crossing her face. “I would appreciate it, Sister, if you talked to the children... and to Kylesa, especially.”
“Ky especially. Sure thing! Want me to come today or tomorrow?” She finished the paint marks on her antennae, giving them a little tweak as she finished, “If it's tomorrow, I can bring some props, too. Like training swords, maybe... Or stuffed animals.” Or other things, as she saw fit.
“Whenever you can.” Petrykala said. She stood up – she had to get back to her kids. “Thank you. Thank you so much...”
“Sure, not a problem.” said Kaalnia.
------
But it was somewhat of a problem, if she was being honest with herself. It was one thing to survive as many scrapes as she had, and to come to terms with herself after nearly dying in an avalanche, and so on. It was another thing to explain that to a bunch of kids. After all, she'd had a life behind her. Things were in the past for her, done and gone, their wounds healed. Everything for these kids, though, was in the now, and time was simply... more, to them. The betrayals worse. The pain fresh and horrible. She felt sorry for them.
Her mothers hadn't been the kindest, but they'd at least been there, and she had her sister and her niece and her friends to help her if she needed it. For some of these kids, though, all of that had been uprooted and overturned and churned like butter in a Sauti village. Their close friends and family had been moved around or were injured themselves or had simply changed in ways that these kids could not understand... how could they? Everything was happening so fast.
How could she explain that these sorts of things would heal with time? How could she help them heal? What worked for her would not work for them... and she certainly couldn't put too much emphasis on pretty hybrid ladies! That would not be appropriate for children. Or on Aisha, either. They all had her, but you had to be older to really appreciate what it meant to have an eternal mother like that. Only when her power aided you in battle did you really understand that you weren't alone, and these girls could not do that, not yet.
Nor could Kaalnia talk about her brother. Votzhem was a major part of her life, and a major player in how she'd come to terms with herself as herself, but, to compound things, Petrykala did not approve of hybrids; While she kept her opinions to herself, Kaalnia knew that Petrykala did not approve of Kaalnia's preferences, nor did she approve – especially – of men like Votzhem. Or his children. Kaalnia wished that Petrykala would take in the hybrid children and care for them as she did the purebloods, but to be honest, Petry had enough on her plate. Kaalnia certainly wasn't going to push that on her, not unless she was about to take in lost hybrid children herself... and that was not something she thought she could handle.
She wanted to respect her friend's wishes, so hybrids and hybrid analogies were out. But, then, how did she explain things to these children? The idea came to her in a flash, and she grinned.
Perfect.
-----
The rest of the children were out training with Petrykala when Kaalnia arrived at her house. It was technically an orphanage, Kaalnia supposed. She'd seen a few of them in her travels. Obviously, though, no Alkidike could ever be an Orphan – there was always Aisha, and the tribe was family enough. Hybrids were a different story, but these children would always have kin to turn to. They would grow up to become prentices, and then blades, and then warriors, as was the Alkidike way. Maybe, one day, they would plead for children at the mother tree, and the cycle would continue. These children had a hope that wasn't always certain for the orphans of other tribes. It was sad, but it was true, and it wasn't something Kaalnia thought she could change.
Kylesa was not among the girls at their training. She remained in the house, and Kaalnia entered after a few moments. “Hey.” she said, crouching to the child's eye level. Kylesa was curled up in what would have been a corner if the room were not circular. She looked up at Kaalnia, black eyes miserable. Kaalnia knew the feeling – the child was miserable, and miserable at herself for being miserable. Misery with extra misery. Not fun. “Why are you in here, huh?”
“Don't want to play.” said Kylesa, her voice clear despite the arm blocking her mouth.
“They aren't playing, they're training.” said Kaalnia, “It's slightly less fun, 'cause you get hit sometimes.”
Kylesa nodded. She understood the distinction. “Don't want to train either.”
“Hey, I don't blame you, but it's worth it in the end. Kinda.” Kaalnia slid next to her, leaning against the wooden wall. Kylesa didn't respond to the obvious open-ended invitation, so Kaa decided to keep talking. It was, after all, something she was good at. “What's in your head right now?”
“Nothing.”
“Can't be nothing. Kid like you, there's always something.” In all honesty, Kylesa wasn't the sharpest arrow in the quiver. She wasn't going to be performing any complex military strategies in the future, or figuring out puzzles. But Kaalnia was pretty sure the girl could figure out how to fight and that was enough. And, also, that there was more than void in between her ears. “Come on, out with it.”
“It's nothing.” Kylesa huddled closer into herself. It was obviously not nothing, but Ky wasn't sharing. That meant that Kaalnia would have to share first. This was fine with her – why not?
“Hey, did you know? I used to be a crybaby?” Kylesa stared, pretending to not be interested – but very clearly interested. “Yep. Cried all the time. Every day, every night.”
“You were?” The child was incredulous. Kaalnia would be too, if she didn't know better. People assumed that she was always cheery and good-natured, and that nothing bothered her. That couldn't be farther from the truth, but she wasn't going to let them know that. To have them believe in that little white lie of indefatigability made it just a little more true, and that was how she liked it.
“Sure was! Had awful nightmares, every night. Woke up in a cold sweat half the time. Sometimes, I even screamed, but not often... Mostly I just screamed up here.” she tapped her head, “Didn't want to spook anyone out of their sleep, you know?”
The child nodded, almost unwittingly. “Nightmares?”
“Bad ones.”
“Every night?”
“More or less, yeah. And when I wasn't having the nightmares, I was having daymares.”
“What are those?”
“When you have a nightmare, but you're awake, and you're too scared to go asleep... No, wait, daymare's something else, but yeah. I had the other thing. I got so scared of sleeping – and it got so hard to sleep - that all I could do was cry until I finally fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep.”
“You did?”
“Yep.”
“But...” Kylesa lifted her head from her arms. Behind her eyes, Kaalnia could see the little metaphorical wheels turning, thinking. “But you're so strong...”
“Sure am!” Kaalnia flexed her muscle, “Strong and awesome. But yeah. It's all true.”
“... but if you were crying... you were weak.” The kid did not mince words, but Kaalnia was far beyond bluntness or insults.
“Nah. Everyone cries. Lots of Sisters have nightmares. Not all of them are brave enough to talk about 'em, and I mean, why would they? People call them weak. But you know what? Let me let you in on a little secret...” she leaned in, smirking conspiratorially, “It just ain't true.”
She could see Kylesa thinking about it. Contemplating, as best she could. Kaalnia knew she had a good case – Kylesa knew Kaa, knew her reputation, had seen her confidence in action. Heck, she'd seen Kaalnia trounce a battery of other sisters in preparation for the tournament. People looked up to Kaalnia. People respected Kaalnia. “Because you're not.” she said, finally.
“Not just me, but sure.” said Kaalnia, shrugging. “I'm not. Not weak, that is.”
Kylesa frowned. “Sister?” she asked, her voice wavering, her face creased in concentration. It was a lot of effort to ask the question she was trying to voice, and Kaalnia listened with equal attention. “Do you... still have them?” Kylesa didn't once meet Kaalnia's intense gaze, but her body language held wariness, unease, fear... and hope.
“The nightmares?” Kylesa nodded. “No. Not really. Not any more.”
“How...?”
“Well. Mostly, I guess I grew out of them eventually, but I also sort of... faced them.”
Kylesa looked at her then, eyes round. “Faced them?”
“Yep. Faced down my nightmares. Fought them on their turf. Beat the crap out of them.” And got the crap beaten out of her in turn, but that wasn't the point. “I was scared of them, but I faced them, eye to eye, and now that they know what's coming, I don't get new nightmares anymore.” It was a simplification, but it was also sort of true – Kaalnia just didn't have the night terrors anymore. Sleep was not a problem for her anymore. The nightmares remained, but they were just dreams, nothing more. She could handle dreams.
“Oh.” Kylesa looked... disappointed? Hmm... Kaalnia thought.
“Hey.” Kaalnia gave her a nudge, “What are they? C'mon, before the others get back. What are your nightmares? Maybe I can tell you how to stop them...” She could see that the girl almost – almost – wanted to tell her, and she pressed a little more, “C'mon.” she said, “Don't know until you try me, right?”
Kylesa moved with the nudge but was silent for long enough that Kaalnia thought she'd misstepped and asked too much of the girl. “They're about my mommies.” she said suddenly, “I didn't see them go, but in the dream, they are far away, but they are laughing. They are happy without me. And when they see me, they laugh at me. And throw rocks at me from their boat. And call me weak. And then they go away and then... and then when I reach out to them, my hands go through them and they are gone...”
Kaalnia listened sympathetically, watching as the girl looked down. Was she ashamed? She shouldn't be. Sure, her dreams weren't as intense as being gutted by vicious icemen, or forced to kill an innocent woman for bandits, or being unable to stand up or move as your friends and family were taken from you. But any dream could hold fear so horrible that it paralyzed you and made you scream. In a way, Kylesa's fear was deeper and less definable than Kaalnia's fears, and her loss was more visceral. The poor girl had lost her parents, and in doing so, they had effectively told her that they didn't love her more than they loved their foolish cause, and that they thought her too weak to come back for. “That stinks.” said Kaalnia. An understatement. The girl didn't respond.
Kaalnia knew that it was, to a degree, enough that she was listening, that she cared, and that she wasn't mocking or laughing at the girl. But she wanted to do more than that. Kylesa was in a dark place, and Kaa wanted to leave her with some light. “Look, and I can't promise anything, but maybe if you faced them, you could beat back your dreams?” As she said it, she knew it was not the best of ideas, “I mean, or not. Things also, uh, get better with time and...”
“... face them?” Kylesa's eyes were unreadable, “Fight... my mommies?”
“In a manner of speaking... yeah. That sounds like that would do it...” Kaalnia wasn't sure, though. But from the way the girl said it, it sounded like she'd thought of it before.
“If I fought them, I could prove that I'm not weak.” she said, as if reciting something. Yes, clearly, she'd thought about it before, but, Kaalnia thought, she'd just given the kid the words and will to think about it more clearly. As a goal. “If I fought them, I wouldn't be afraid anymore.”
“Sure.” Kaalnia had no idea if that would be the case – in her own case, it had been tricky. So many fights against that yellow-eyed monster, so much pain and suffering. But she'd gotten through it, right? “Having a goal like that? That will help with the fear. That's what I found, anyway. It changes how you look at the dream, and you won't be so scared anymore when you know that you'll beat it in the future... you know?”
The kid seemed to understand, or understood enough. She nodded, thinking, before standing up with renewed energy. “Okay.” she said, looking at Kaalnia for a moment before, abruptly, hugging the big warrior across the shoulders. “Thank you.” she said hurriedly, before rushing out.
“Heh.” murmured Kaalnia in her wake, “Don't thank me yet.”
-----
“What did you say to her?” Kaalnia couldn't read Petrykala's look. It was somewhere halfway between aggravation, awe, gratitude, and anger.
“Ky? I just told her about me. That's all.”
“Are you sure? She's training very often now, even without the other girls. She's saying that she's going to go down south and fight extremists.”
“Pretty much all. She sounds like she's motivated...” Kaalnia decided to be pleased that she'd had that effect. “That's a good thing, right?”
“Yes, but...” Petrykala hestiated, trying to articulate her words, “I hope you didn't encourage that particular goal. I don't want any of these girls going anywhere near Yael, or that settlement. We lost enough women to the foolishness of the extremists, and I refuse to let them take any more...”
“Hey, whoa.” Kaalnia made a placating motion, “She and I chatted, and she came to this decision on her own. Let her feel what she feels and say what she says. If it motivates her, that's great. Maybe she'll change her mind later, settle down in Jahuar.” she paused and shrugged, “But seriously, what's got you so upset, Petra?”
“I just told you why I'm upset! I don't want these girls to have anything to do with the Extremists.” Petrykala crossed her arms, “Maybe you were the wrong person to talk to.” she grumbled, “How could I expect you to...” she stopped herself, reddening.
Know what's right for a child. Kaalnia finished the sentence for her, and shrugged inwardly. People had their opinions on what she should have done about Kiunyki's extremism, but their opinions did not matter to her at all. Kaalnia had parented her child and loved her with all her heart, and Kiunyki had grown up in her own way, and had made her own decisions. Kaalnia was proud of her for making them, whatever those decisions had been, and no manner or degree of outside disapproval could shake her faith in her parenting skills.
“I'm... I'm sorry, Kaa.” Petrykala said, her anger hushed by shame.
“Not a problem!” Kaalnia said, laughing, “Don't worry about it.”
That shame, at bringing up something so theoretically painful and unpleasant, was enough for Kaalnia to use to convince her friend that things were fine, that Kylesa's drive was a good thing. She had a feeling, though, that her friend would not be asking for more favors in the future, but ah well. She did her honest best. She did her honest best at everything.
-----
That night, as she stared at the glowing insects that lurked on her ceiling, she thought about what she'd said to Kylesa. About facing your nightmares and defeating them. On the one hand, she had – she'd fought in wars, and against bandits, and again and again against Ruelash. But something still remained unfinished between her and her personal demon, a loose end untied. Things had become complicated with Votzhem and Iroia and the kids – Votzhem was family to her, and Iroia was something like family to Ruelash, which made him... sort of family to her too, she supposed. She'd avoided him pretty studiously since arriving home – helped by the fact that he was out of Jahuar more often than not – but she couldn't do that forever.
She had talked about facing her nightmares, but it was clear – she needed to do so one last time, and resolve things once and for all. Only then could she really be sure that she hadn't given little Kylesa the wrong advice entirely.
She knew from Votzhem and Iroia that he migrated between Zena, the Tale, and Jauhar regularly, seemingly unable to stay too long in any of those places for whatever reason. She'd heard that he didn't seem too happy about it, too, like he wanted to be in one place but... couldn't? Iroia didn't get it, and Votzhem didn't care. Kaalnia thought she understood a little.
That meant, though, that if she wanted to confront him without interference from her... their... family, she would have to do it when he was away from Jauhar. Preferably, too, when he wasn't in Zena – she had no desire to fight in the snow anymore, and that was his home ground, where he would have an advantage. The Tale, too, was risky since Iroia was Leaf, and Kaalnia didn't know if she had family in the savannah who would interfere with this business with Ruelash.
So Sauti it was; a neutral ground where the tension between them could finally be put to rest, a place where no-one knew them and where no one could see them. She'd have to follow him there, and maybe ambush him?
Nah. Not an ambush. She would just surprise him with a confrontation... in a non-ambush-y way... in the middle of a path. That, she felt, would work.
He was in Jauhar now, and she'd find out when he next left. And, when he did, she would track him into Sauti, where she would finish things once and for all, in some way.
Of course, there was the risk that someone would go with him, or that he would notice her... She felt that she needed to consult with someone else about this. Planning, alas, was not her strength. Not Votzhem or Iroia, though. Not Brie – she had enough on her mind.
Another name came to mind, one that made Kaalnia smirk wickedly. Yes. Her. She would be perfect. That Sister had a mind as sharp as (or sharper!) than the swords she made, and an intuition as true as the arrows she fletched. If anyone could give her strong advice, it would be Dyakida.
She'd have to talk to her soon.
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