so tonight was a bust. E and I were supposed to hang out but we ended up not being able to do so. I think he wanted to go see a movie, and we might go later in the week. We did talk about how that guy who said E was too "hands-y" with me was saying a bit. Apparently he did talk to E a bit about it and was like "it was uncomfortable for me and probably Carolyn" and then E kind of compared himself to this really touchy-feely girl I know (but less crazy, and then he was like "wow I cant believe I compared myself to her") So I don't really know if he was trying to discredit any meaning with holding my hand by that or what. Hopefully we do get to hang out still though <3
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2013 11:18 am
Okay, wow so I have been having an interesting week I guess. I missed a couple days of work this weekend thanks to the weather (it was good, but my paycheck really isn't going to appreciate it at all...) It also caused some plans to get cancled on me, but hey in the end what if that works to my favor? It's still too early to tell (these plans involved E, who could've guessed!?) Anyway, I kinda want to go back to that plans thing. So Monday I had posted that I was supposed to hang out with E, but then my parents were like "nooooo it's a monday night. be home by 11" so we couldn't go to a movie which is what he had wanted to do apparently. So he was like "we'll go later this week". Friday he asked if I wanted to go on Saturday and that didn't get to happen because of the weather being too dangerous to drive and such, so he "sorry I won't be able to take you to a movie tonight because of the weather, but how about maybe thursday?" (I said that's fine because I don't have any plans, but the way he apologized I was like "whoa wait what" and my mind wonders if he knows that Thursday is Valentine's day...) But I mean that's cool, I don't really want to try and read too much into things between us because I don't want to end up disappointed, you know? But then, I am so confused by the fact that he was telling me he wants me to miss him? I feel like... well it just seems a bit sadistic harsh sweatdrop I mean I do though because I would much rather be hanging out with him. I just feel like maybe I'm getting mixed signals from him, but maybe, just maybe we have the same goal with where this is going. Maybe.
Alright, so I finally went to a movie with E. That was fun. I didn't really know what to expect, and I didn't know what we were going to see at first, but yeah. Though last night while I was trying to fall asleep all I could keep thinking was how am I supposed to interpret this. I mean I've never really had any guy friends that I spend much one on one time with before, and I've already kind of admitted on here my feelings (because I don't know his at all), but that's just where I get confused. So I don't really know what is to normally be expected in such a situation, but I mean he payed for my ticket, and kinda held my hand almost through the whole movie. I just don't know. I mean I could ask him, because that's probably the only way to really get a true answer, but I also don't want to mess things up, because I like the way they are and I don't want to ruin them. emotion_facepalm
Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 7:05 pm
eww, today is just the gross kinda day where I just want to stay curled up in my bed and never venture out into the world (though I had to go to work so that wasn't an option). First off I guess mother nature thought it would be cute to punch me in the stomach an entire week early, and then I also find out that my dog is having trouble walking and standing again ): She's really old so it's expected that she'll be having more troubles, it's just really sad because we've had her forever. And then I went to work, which was... interesting I guess. At one point it was just me and E in back and he was like "next week you can pay for the movie, that's fair right?" so I guess that means there's a next time happening soon. And then there was one of our coworkers must have been asking him what he had been doing last night or something because he comes over to me and asks me instead, and I'm terrible at lying, but I feel like this is something he wasn't going to know about. (he knows E and I hung out, but not that we went to a movie). And after that he asked if we were dating now and I was like "wait what" and walked off to do something productive as fast as I could as to not deal with that conversation, because really I don't know. I feel like maybe E does have the same kinda feelings I have towards him, just neither of us wants to be the one to do anything because we work together, and also I have never been in a relationship so I don't even know what to expect, but a lot of people think that we are dating, and I've even been asked by a couple friends about it @/////@ (maybe soon i'll be able to say yes)
woo. I have the afternoon off but I'm not doing anything productive at all. What a surprise. But whatever. I have worked too much in the past 24 hours. Also I've had a headache since last night gonk So yeah that's not fun at all. My thoughts are all jumbling together too. Oh, so yesterday was Valentines right, and E texted me when I was at work and said happy valentines to me but I didn't respond because our boss gives me dirty looks if I take out my phone when he's working. Anyway, so later on when I got home he was texting me again because I didn't say it back? Then he asked what I was thinking about when I tried to go to sleep but couldn't and I almost said him whooooooops
wow i just need to stop
Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 5:07 pm
Okay, wow, I kinda just feel like I need a hug right now, and not from a certain someone.
So I know for quite a while now anyone who has popped their head in here have seen me posting about this E guy, and things seem to have been going pretty well with him. Today he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him, and I said sure. We ended up hanging out at his house just watching tv (which I somehow think he planned on all along). So anyway, we're hanging out and ultimately ended up snuggled up together which isn't surprising, but I mean I was a bit more foreword about it than usual (normally I'm kinda like on the edge, could get up and walk away any time, and I don't really let him touch me as much). Basically I willingly went over and sat real close to him (I know he would have pulled me over anyway) and I like him, so it's not like I mind. I ended up letting him hold both my hands and he kept poking me and pulling me impossibly close which was kinda like "whoa hey". Then I get to the part that makes me needs some serious hugs, or maybe just some time alone. Several times he made comments that can only be interpreted as "I know I'm leading you on here, but it means nothing". I mean part of me figured as much, but it kinda stings because I was letting myself get my hopes up. I feel like it is extremely unfair, but I know I am going to not only allow it to continue to happen for the next couple months, but I will encourage it.
I just don't know how to deal with it anymore other than to do what I want, even though I know in a couple months I'll hate myself so much for it because he will leave and be gone from my life, probably forever. I feel like he lead me halfway and then just turned and was like "uh I gotta go this way now, bye!" (tonight he told me that I need to find a nice guy that doesn't have the same employer as us, and then later on he was saying that his family always complains that he has too many friends that are girls but no girlfriend because he brings girls over a lot. All this in between getting hugged and snuggled, and called cute and tiny, and at one point he was pretty much entirely wrapped around me and holding my hands, but apparently it means absolutely nothing)
It's been a pretty good week I guess. I haven't really seen much of E (except at work), I went shopping and bought some new clothes! That was cool. I got really comfy pj's and yoga pants! I never knew those were sooooo comfortable, but then after being told by several *cough*males*cough* that I should a, own some, and b, wear them all the time, I caved because I saw some on sale!! (I cannot resist a good sale ever). I also went to my friend A's birthday party which was pretty cool. I mean I feel like I'm not that close to her so I was kinda surprised that she wanted me there, but I'm so glad I went, it was lots of fun and it's good to spend time with my real friends! I really miss seeing all of them every day like back in high school.
And wow, I get to the end of this weeks adventures and my mind suddenly makes me want to start talking about E again... That's not good (for future me). I'm gonna just say what I wanna say, but for the purposes of not annoying everyone it's in a spoiler (also, I might use some words that aren't very PG, so you are warned~)
Okay, so this week has kinda sucked because I haven't hung out with E at all (so sad, I don't know why either, boo). I mean I see him at work, because until he decides to quit (which will be sometime just before he moves) it's inevitable to see him there. So anyway, I haven't even really talked to him. Like I've tried to text him because he hasn't been texting me, which leaves me feeling a bit lonely, but he doesn't really respond (though I do really suck at having conversations so I mean, whatever that's my fault for being so damn introverted and never learning basic conversation skills). I have been thinking about him nonstop though, which is kinda bad. I mean like last person I think of when I go to bed, first person I think of when I wake up. I have even thought about like.... sex.. I mean yeah.. I feel embarrassed admitting that but it's true. Thankfully it hasn't made me more awkward around him, but I mean it kinda makes me more concerned about how I will actually be able to handle him leaving us in three months. But also at this point I don't even want like a relationship of anything with him. I just want to be friends...? I don't really think that our current friendship counts as just friends, but that's what it is. It's just so confusing. I enjoy the way things are between us. It's weird because I want to just spend time with him and cuddle, hold hands, maybe do more than that, whatever. But I'm okay with the label for whatever that is just staying at "Friends". Because that's all I need right now, any physical closeness just kinda seems like a bonus.
and wow that last part is something I never thought I would feel. maybe I'm just too scared of screwing things up...
Also, at A's party, some of my friends were saying that maybe he's just gay and likes to be touchy with girls (because we do have a friend in our little high school group that is very gay, and he is also very touchy-huggy with everyone), but I don't know. I've never had a gay friend that holds hands with girls, and constantly is a flirt and has really long-standing relationships with women.
God damn why is everything so confusing. I mean I try not to over think things and just let them be what they are, but yet it's still ridiculous and overwhelming and I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 5:53 pm
Okay, I promise that the only time I write here isn't when something happens with E (although it does seem that way right about now), but honestly I just- right now I am confused and intrigued and already think I might regret my responses... Okay so under this spoiler is the recent happenings and why I'm kinda freaked out right now.... Also how I am thinking of handling things.
Alright, so I went out with E this morning, and we ended up hanging out at his house just watching tv and cuddling (what a surprise, we did go to lunch after though, before he dropped me off). Anywayyyyy, at one point he ends up asking if I like him, and I didn't want to say yes, and I didn't want to lie, so I just said nothing. Then he proceeded to ask again and again. He also asked about whether or not guys turned me on and such. Really though I don't know what I should have done. I mean I know that he has no interest in dating anyone right now, he's told me that so many times (including today). I guess I am mostly scared that if he knows he might not want to hang out as much anymore, or that he will act differently than right now.
And then that brings me to what I am going to do about the situation. I'm thinking about just telling him (via text because I'm a chicken) I am just awaiting one of my friend's advice when she gets home later @-@
So other happenings in my life~~ I've been hanging out with my friends more, and that's really great!! I miss them tons when I just spend time with work people (okay, well obviously sometimes I really, really like spending time with work people... OMG!! I almost forgot. K started talking to me again on Friday! That was insane, but also so exciting and I was really happy all day (though it wasn't just the effect of getting to talk to K again, but yeah~~)
Okay I think I am done for now. More updates later <3
update; okay, so after talking to one of my good friends last night about the situation and getting her input I went and asked E simply why he always asks those kinds of questions, because, well he has asked them all before (though usually he doesn't press as much into the subject). In the end he just responded "I want you to be happy" and then stopped texting me back.
So I don't really know what that means or what my next move should be anymore.
Posted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 8:57 pm
what up guys (aka people who might actually read this~~) Anyway, I'm going shopping with some friends tomorrow, and I'm going to buy some new hair dye 3nodding (I'm thinking pink, because I want to dye the tips of my hair!!)
Also, as of today I have decided to start trying to do a little bit of exercising every day. Not like full on work outs and go to the gym or anything, but I am going to start doing push-up and sit-ups, that kind of stuff just at home in my free time. I think it'd be good for me to get in shape a little more (plus I'd like to slim down my belly for summer this year, and I am way too insecure about the way my thighs look) It's going to take determination, and self control to not just eat loads of junk food and gain weight.... again.
Currently I'm at about 131pounds, which is where I was this time last year, but around October I had jumped up to 145 which kind of scared me. (I am just shy of 5'4"). I'd like to get down to around 120 pounds.
>w< I got more hair dye today! I had been wanting to try a new color this time, but I went with the same fushia/pink that I normally use. Oh well~ I have to go get the stuff to lighten the tips before I use it though (I want the color to be really bright this time!!) I also got a cute new bra and also got to have some fun with two of my friends that I don't normally spend too much time with. It was kinda great actually. Would have been better if I had actually gone to hang out with E later on like I had planned, but I was not in the mood for dealing with my parents, so instead I suffered in disappointment.
And today is day two of being good and trying to do at least a little bit of exercise. I think it's good for me. Now if only my diet could reflect that lol!
Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:20 pm
Ahhhh, It's Friday! So close to the end of my work week. But jk because I probably will get called into work on my days off this week. We have a few sick people and that's just messing everything up. Also I just feel really lonely and sad and I want it to stop. Unfortunately this is just a preview of what's to come so uggh. do not wanttttt. but i bring these things on myself...
In other news though my hair is now pink at the ends~~ It's kinda like the ombre style since I tried to make it have a subtle gradient to my natural color. I think it looks awesomeeee :3
well then. Tonight was good, I liked tonight a lot. I worked, which was gross, but then I got food and I got to hang out with E for the first time in like a week. That part was very nice. Unfortunately though I had told myself that if he asked who I like/if I like him again, I would tell him. What a surprise though I didn't. I just once again froze up and did not say anythinggggg. I am not very happy with myself about that, but at least I had a good time (:
Now I am sleepy though, so good night ^-^
Posted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 9:22 pm
I'm glad you're letting your thoughts out there, instead of bottling it all up, builds stress sweatdrop
You r having quite the life :3 Good Luck w/ your weeks and Good Night ^^
okay, so wow. I don't really know if anything is good or bad right now but E kind of sort of knows that I like him now. I think this is somehow possibly just a neutral effect on our friendship, which is good. But also I don't know. Andddd, K messaged me today, and based on that I have determined that I in fact do not have any feelings for him anymore. Like we are still friends, but yeah that's it, I don't want more than that anymore. So yay (thanks E, lol).
So yeah I thought I'd update that.
Also Friday is one of my best friend's birthday so we are having a party for her and I'm excited so yay <3
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