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 Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 11:34 pm
~Entry 41~ Journal, I am so miserable... Since I'm certain that Conan and Nergui must be upset with me after the incident at the pool, I've been saving them the trouble and just been avoiding them. ...If I'm doing the right thing though, why does it hurt so much? It has been a few weeks now. I don't know how I've managed avoiding them for so long in school. I find myself hoping to get caught sometimes, just so I can see them. Even if they do yell at me... It's better this way though, right? It's easier for them. Now they don't have to worry about me messing anything else up for them. Yes, of course this is the right thing to do. I just have to keep telling myself that. They'll be happier without me being there.. being such a failure...
*everything above has been scribbled out by an eager pen*
Oh, how could I have been so wrong?! Conan wasn't mad at me! It sounds like no one was mad at all! All this time that I've been avoiding my friends, I've just been hurting them... They were actually sad that I was avoiding them, and thought they'd done something wrong. ...I could hardly believe they even noticed I wasn't there. Oh, I shouldn't say such things. Right? That's why they're my friends. ...I also can't believe that Kristopher was the one who told me that Conan was sad from not seeing me.. I suppose he had his own agenda, but even so... No matter! Now I know that Conan isn't mad at me! And neither are our friends! I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I need to learn from this. If I'm concerned about my friends' feelings, I should just ask them up-front, and not worry about it in the shadows. It will prevent less misunderstanding and ache for both sides.
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am
~Entry 42~ I don’t know how it happened... It all started so innocently... Conan gave me a compliment, and the next thing I know Nergui is promising to take me to look at make-up for the confession. Confession! To Conan! Am I really going to do this?! A crush on Conan... Nergui somehow got me to have a whole conversation about this. I know that I've had the crush on Kai for a while now, but even in the short time that I've been considering Conan in this way... I don’t know if I know for certain. I mean, I know I have feelings for Conan, but Kai is so... When did things go from Conan simply being my best friend to someone who makes by insides flutter like a school of krill! Thinking back on it... I’ve always preferred having him nearby. I’ve always felt happy and safe when I’m with him... That’s what a bo-... possible relationship should mean, right? Kai... Really, Kai is just a pretty face. He’s always at a distance. Conan though, even after I stupidly avoided him all that time, is right there. According to Nergui, I need to look at what’s right in front of me... and that’s not Kai. ...I do know that I won’t last if all this ‘confession’ does is make things uncomfortable for Conan.... I simply can’t go through another spell of not seeing him at all.
I also know that I won’t be able to contain myself while this is going on, so I’ll be updating this page with his reply to keep things organized! I’ll have so much to think about to myself if he says he feels the same!! ....I’ll also have much to think about if he doesn’t feel the same........ My goodness, I feel like I'm all over the place!
~~~~~~~~~~~
And things have... I don't even know how to say this. While Nergui was taking me shopping, we were found by Kai. I can hardly remember what happened, since it happened so fast, but... He asked me out. Something in the line of going steady. I didn't even say yes, and now he seems to think I agreed! I swear I never said yes! Before I could get a hold of what was happening he kissed me cheek and was gone. Kissed my cheek! He... Now I have to tell him we're not dating. All that time of imagining this moment, and when it comes... I don't want it. I don't want him to be mad at me, but I can't let him think what he did was okay. What if Conan were to hear Kai thinks we're dating?! And Roxie was there and heard Kai ask. She looked even more livid than when she got expelled. Just... It's all wrong...
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Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 10:24 pm
~Entry 43~ Kai isn’t Poseidon’s son at all... He’s more like the bauble on an anglerfish; beautiful and desirable until what’s on the other side of the blinding light is revealed. Though, I suppose, who is to say what the personality of Poseidon’s son would be like? Perhaps it is cocky and inflated from having such a powerful father, and from being able to wield even a fraction of that power himself. ...He was just using me to get Roxie jealous. He told me this himself. After the mess at the mall, I tried to find him to talk to him, but he was always avoiding me. When I did see him, he would only stick around long enough to give me a hug or attempt to touch or kiss. I always turned my head away though. I can’t imagine him kissing me like I used to dream about. The very idea disgusts me. I finally cornered him at the mall though...
He was with his friends, and I could see Roxie and her group following at a distance. So, I tried to think of what Nergui would tell me to do. ....I didn’t really want to punch his face in, so I took a deep breath and went over. I don’t know when the others saw me, but Kai turned around like he knew I was there and gave me that dazzling, wicked smile of his. I think he must have been able to tell I was upset, because the smile fell and he gave me the saddest look. He walked forward to meet me, and started telling me to not be angry with him. He didn’t even know what I was going to say yet! So I spoke over him, and told him the charade was over. Yes, I did actually say charade, which seemed to confuse him. Yet another sign that he wasn’t truly the one for me. When I clarified, he tried begging me to give him another chance, but I wouldn’t budge! Mother and Nergui would have been proud of me! When he realized I was serious, his mask truly did fall. I remember it so clearly... He rolled those eyes of his, and told me that it was fine... That I’d served my purpose... That Roxie was ready to be his now...
I’ll admit, though I was already suspicious of his intent by then, it was painful to hear such a thing said out loud. It had always been about making Roxie jealous, so that when the time came he could go to her in his ‘pain’ after breaking up with me. Roxie! Of all people! He even proved it right then. His smirk turned into a trembling frown, and tears somehow rolled up. He turned and headed back to walk down the hallway dramatically alone, passing by Roxie’s group. Of course, Roxie then ran out to him, they spoke, and they hugged. I couldn’t keep watching after that. I was near tears myself, and refused to let them see... I really did want to punch him then. Too bad I didn’t take the chance when I could have.
I’m glad it’s over, but the pain of being used still aches. The man that I’d imagined being so wonderful and amazing, turning out to be so cruel and deceiving. At the least, they’ll be happy together for a short time. Two cruel and manipulative people together can’t have a happy ending in my mind.
I can’t allow myself to linger on this though. I harbor such an irrational guilt. Once my anger and hurt fades, I can go to the one man whom I know to be honorable, and trustworthy, and kind. The one I had wanted to go to before this mess had started...
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 11:38 pm
~Entry 44~ So many wonderful things have happened to me, I can scarce believe it! I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I am now. After having to swim through so much troubled waters, I’ve finally emerged to a pool of serenity! Here I sit, on the cusp of adulthood, ready to take on the world!
First, I’ve finally gotten myself a job. I wish to help support myself, since my living arrangements are limited to being at home with mother for the time being. I can’t imagine the cost of keeping up the pond and tunnels throughout the house. Preparing my clothing for when I grow and making dolls for Branka and Charis and Ouriana have inspired me. I found a local craft store on one of my strolls through town. They make all kinds of things there, and sell items to those who wish to make their own creations. I’d always ordered my materials online, but this place has such a wonderful variety of materials. I wish I’d found it sooner. And, believe it or not, they were hiring! So, I put in an application, and a few days later I had an interview! I don’t start for a few days, but I’ve finally done it! It’s not even a job I have to worry about running around for.
Second, I finally got some emotion out of Branka! Charis has assigned me as this year’s costume maker for Halloween. She’s intent on getting everyone to dress up in Alice in Wonderland attire. I’m going to be Alice... Such an honor! Anyway, I finished Branka’s Red Queen costume the other day, and had her try it on. She held that blank stare of hers the entire time, until she looked in the mirror. She did a few turns, and then, dare I say it, she smiled!! Not a big one, just a tiny turn of her lips; but for her, to me, it was dazzling! She stopped when she saw I had noticed, but even her walk was a little lighter. She left the dress on the rest of the evening, and mother said she used a special hanger to help it keep its shape. I’m so glad she likes it so much.
And third, and best of all, Conan loves me!! Yes! The night that I was going to share my feelings with him, he shared his with me instead. And, oh, my heart still flutters to think... He proposed! I’m engaged!! He has promised to buy a ring for me, so that I can show the whole world how lucky I am! I feel absolutely terrible that he had to go through watching that dreadful urchin Kai pretend to date me, but apparently it inspired him to do as he did! And we shared our first kiss~ I’m so glad Kai didn’t steal that from me. It would have been so dreadful... I’M ENGAGED!!!!
*fills a line with little hearts*
Oh, goodness, now I’m just being silly... I’m so happy now though. My best friend, now my fiancé... To celebrate, he took me out for ice cream, and I tried a flavor called “Superman.” It was delicious. We sat there for the rest of the evening, just being happy to be together. Unfortunately, I had apparently distracted Conan for too long. Kristopher showed up and informed Conan that he had made Blue late for work because he hadn't been home. I suppose I should feel worse about that, but I don’t. Only a little. Conan and I will one day marry... Engaged!!! *more hearts fill the rest of the page*
Now, if I can just figure out how to tell mother......
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Posted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:08 pm
~Entry 45~ Wedding planning is so much fun! Yet, also very scary. I have so much that I want to do. I need to pick out flowers, find someone to take photos, figure out what I want the food to be, where to have the ceremony.... What to wear!! What does a mermaid wear to her wedding? I want something simply, but romantic. I... I almost wish I could be like Ariel, from 'The Little Mermaid.' Become human, for at least one day. So that I could wear one of those lovely full length gowns without looking silly with my fins sticking out the bottom.
Naturally, I'd like the ceremony to be in the Sanctuary. We came from there, so it feels right that we should join there.
I'm sure Conan will look so handsome in a suit. He's so handsome already... I wonder what would have happened between us if I hadn't reverted back to being a dew before. Would we still be planning our wedding? Would we even be in love? It doesn't sound like I was much different before the reverting, but I can't help to wonder. While I was sad to find out that I had lost all those memories, I'm glad to have made all these new ones with him. <3 <3 <3 I will be an adult soon, and when Conan grows as well, the plans will truly begin to move! ...Oh Gosh! I got so distracted by everything else, I didn't finish my adult shirt yet!
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Posted: Tue Jul 09, 2013 5:56 pm
~Entry 46~ I.... I grew. It's... odd. I'm even longer than before, and much.... curvier. Luckily, my shirt fits. My hair is still long, so I think it'll stay that way. It's never been anything but long, so why change a good thing? Mother was certainly shocked when I saw her at breakfast. She seems happy though.
I woke up this way. I... I wonder what Conan will think... Will he be upset that I grew before he did? Will he still like me? Will things be awkward until he grows as well? I hope he grows soon though. Once we're both grown, the wedding planning can really begin!
I've asked Nergui to be my maid of honor, and two of my friends from school to be bridesmaids. Ourania is very excited about bring the flower girl. I'll be picking natural flowers from the sanctuary for the bouquets. I can't wait... Hair style- This Again, have one eye partially covered, and instead of the white adornment; another water lily pin, a small purple starfish, and a string of various small pale-toned shells that goes down to her shoulder.
Shirt is the full one on the upper right. Instead of purples and pinks and greens, it should be in varying shades of greens and blues, preferably darker tones.
Her pearls now have one strand around her neck, a strand with a wolf's head charm around her wrist, and a belt of three strands laying/draping loosely around her hips.
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Posted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 9:59 pm
~Entry 47~ Well, it wasn't quite what I was expecting, but it turned out okay. Conan was... well, to say the least, he was quite shocked when he saw I had grown. Thankfully, he didn't seemed to mind the differences. He said he loves me as I am. Kris tricked him into making a rude comment, but I know Conan would never actually say such a thing. He's too polite to do so. Even if I did gain weight.... But, mother says that it's only natural, since I grew into an adult. Of course I'm bigger!
Being an adult isn't so bad. When I went to work earlier, they told me they could move me up to full time! I get to do more, and even run the store by myself sometimes. I get a really good discount on the fabric as well, so I've started thinking about asking for their help in making my wedding gown. Or, wedding blouse. ...Blouse. I don't want something that's going to catch on my wheels all the time.
With full time work coming, I'll really be able to help pay for the wedding arrangements!
There's just one problem... Nergui. She's grown as well, but... she grew into a nightmare. She's much colder than before, and will hardly look at me. She won't tell anyone about why she changed this way either. I'm scared for her.
..I also am starting to wonder if she'll stay as my maid of honor. She's gotten so distant and aloof. Even Conan has mentioned that she isn't asking him about our plans anymore. She... she isn't the Nergui I asked to be part of my wedding. This is a different Nergui.
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