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 Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:50 pm
i could have gotten some college lovin last weekend blaugh
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Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 1:18 pm
onlyateardropaway Tessiebean onlyateardropaway TenshiDarkAngel Tessiebean onlyateardropaway i'm not sure if this is to normal but i'm afraid to be happy....i could take the happiness and embrace it and then lose it just as quick and not get it back....i'm terrified of loosing it so i just don't experience it.....i'm also very afraid of people....i only have on friend in real life and shes made me a submissive little b***h....shes moving in a month and i don't know what i'm going to do....i'll have no friends and no one to tell me what to do and what i'm doing wrong....i'll only have joe and we only talk over the phone....touch is also a big issue for me...i'm always afraid someones going to hurt me....i think its impossible for me to be happy.... I think that you have a lot of issues that you have yet to deal with or get help dealing with. Life is unfair...one moment we're happy and content and the next we're angry or bitter or depressed, etc. You can't live this 'safe' lifestyle you've currently made for yourself without some reprocussions...you fear losing that happy feeling so you refuse to have it in the first place...that's not a life, that's just really sad crying . You can't go through life having people tell you what to do because then you'll never do things for yourself...basically you won't have free will and be your own person...but it seems that you're that way already. Take your friends' departure as a sign that NOW is the time to take charge of your own decisions/opinions/life...work on strengthening your self esteem, as well as your self confidence...you have to be willing to take chances and live youre life to the fullest. You have to get it out of your head that if you sucumb to happiness that you'll automatically be let down in some way. We can't be happy all of the time, but when you are, EMBRACE it and enjoy it! biggrin Teardrop.....i know how you feel hun. I used to be in the same place you are. Everytime i would expierience happiness, or what i perceived as happiness, it would go away, get taken from me. And usually it was my fault that it had been corrupted. You feel worthless and not worthy of anything. I'm still dealing with these feelings after making the decision to change about 2 years ago. If you haven't made it yet. DO IT. Make the choice, you have to vow to yourself and those you love *even if it is just a few people* that you are going to rise above it. Its all about rising. You are in the bottom of the valley TearDrop, its time to start scaling the walls. I look back now on my past and I can say that i have risen above it. But by no means does that mean that i have overcome them. I highly doubt i'll ever get to the point where i no longer feel these things. When I'm talking to Greg and how well he treats me, i still don't think i'm worthy and deserving of being this happy. But he says I am. And I trust him. You have to rise above the pain and bad memories. This is a bad past but it will make you stronger. Just toss your head high and never look back. You can rise above these feelings. ANd for me, my climb started here. If they helped me, they can help you. *hugs you* You're climb has already started. Just keep climbing and don't go back down. you guys make it sound like its so easy but would it hurt if i asked for help? sad It's not easy...it's a matter of taking charge of your life and deciding that you've had enough of being depressed/scared to feel happiness and love. I still have days where I feel worthless or paranoid about things, but I do my best not to let those feelings get the better of me. I don't know about Tenshi, but I go to thearpy and I have a old fashioned journal *basically it's not online wink * where I write down my feelings of frustrating/depression/aggitation/sadness...then I write a blurb about how I can change things and list positive aspects of my life & myself...sometimes you have to be confronted by the positive when all you do is focus on the negative. I've tried weaning myself off of my anti-depressants because I want to try and see if I am capable of being optimistic on my own, but methinks I need to go back on it, I'm not quite at the "Everything's alright" level yet. I suggest you find a councellor/therapist to talk to...there are some wonderful people out there who are geniuinely concerned about you and want you to have a better quality of life...don't shy away from reaching out and getting help...it's not a sign of weakness, but of strength, because many people try to kid themselves that they are just 'fine'...but we all know what 'fine' stands for... F - ******** Up
I - Insecure
N- Neurotic
E- EmotionalTaking the steps on improving your self esteem/confidence is important if you want to enjoy the things around you, yourself, and life in general. If you can't find a therapist/councellor to talk with, feel free to PM me. I may not be online exactly when you need me, but I will respond to your PM as soon as I can heart thats the problem...where i am right now is improvement....i go to group meetings every tuesday and thursday....i see a councelor at least once a month and i have since october since i got out of the hosiptal....i haven't hurt myself since the middle of december and i'm ready to ask for help along with receiving it....i was such a wreak that even pretend touch made me uneasy and greg has gotten me used to online hugs....i am improving....i don't feel like killing myself but now i have to look at my low self esteem and confidence....i have to be a little emotionally stable....i am taking a pill that helps me with my depression and aniexty....i am trying more than ever but it never seems to be good enough....i'm worn out but i'm not allowed to give up....i'm just now starting to experience emotions again....its all so new to me....like entering a new place without a map....your bound to get lost... sad
I'm certain that if you rely on Him a little more He will begin to show you what to do. Ask Him for guidance. In times that you feel depressed or whatever cry out to Him. Feeling a lack of confidence is only human. We all feel that way at times. It's what we do about it that makes the difference. I don't want to annoy anyone with my preaching so I'll stop here. Hey pm me sometime. I would still like to talk to you.
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