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 Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:33 pm
..:: They Never Prepare You for This ::..
He'd been doing fine. Even Asu had remarked on how well he was doing. Perhaps that was what caused everything to fall apart. Deskri stumbled into his dorm, already choking on the emotion he'd been suppressing for ages. He shut the door and leaned against it, face upward as he struggled to keep the tears in. No... he would not cry...
He managed to compose himself, and stepped away from the door. He let his eyes wander over the dorm, and they rested upon Rasiel's bed... still made, waiting for it's owner to come back and rest in it. The tears built up in his eyes again and this time, overflowed and ran down his cheeks. He couldn't keep suppressing it... he couldn't keep smiling and pretending that everything was fine... He couldn't keep saying "he's coming back tomorrow, just you wait, he's coming back tomorrow..."
He wasn't.
Rasiel was not coming back tomorrow. Or the next day, or the next... He had to admit to himself that he didn't even know if Rasiel was coming back at all. The reality of his situation crushed him, causing him to stagger to his bed and collapse on it, shaking, clinging to whatever pillow happened to be under him when he fell.
The sobs shook him so much he wondered if he was going to fall apart, just come undone at the seams, leaving nothing but a mess for someone else to come deal with.
He cried until he had no more tears left, and even then the emptiness in his chest was still there. He sat up, face red from crying so long, the usual eyeliner surrounding his eyes had been washed away. He stared at the bed across the room, feeling more and more lost as he did.
He sat there for hours, staring, sniffling, shaking... unable to do anything else. The world stopped, his thoughts refused to form into anything that resembled something conscious. He could only sit, take shaky breaths, blink his eyes, exist. That was all that was left to him.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there but eventually something broke his simple existence and forced it into being more than that. He looked away from the bed, to the window, where the sun was going down. A long sigh escaped him, and he forced himself to stand. In the long shot that Rasiel would come back for him, he would have to keep living, and his stomach demanded something be given to it.
He shuffled to the mini kitchen in the dorm and found a loaf of bread, which he took two slices from. He ate them, ignoring how bland they were without anything to go with them. That didn't matter... all that mattered was living, existing, in the hope that he'd be picked up once more from his spot on the floor.
He was thirsty, but he ignored that, too.. knowing that if he had any liquid he'd start crying again. He returned to the bed. He removed any clothing that wouldn't be comfortable to sleep in and curled up, pulling his blankets and pillows around him to build a sort of haven. He told himself that in there, everything was fine... everything was fine...
He told himself that Rasiel wasn't even gone, he was right there... sleeping next to him, keeping him warm. Never mind that it was actually a large pillow pressed up against his back, that didn't matter. Just pretending that he didn't have to sleep by himself made it easier, made the ache in his heart die down a little, just enough for him to get to sleep.
Just enough for him to pretend that he was alright the next day. Just enough for him to apply for a house of his own, just enough for him to be okay with leaving the one place he knew Rasiel would be able to find him.
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Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 2:52 pm
..:: I'm Not Okay ::..
Deskri opened his eyes reluctantly, having realize that he was conscious a few minutes earlier but he had tried to go back to sleep once more. Once that failed, he had decided to open his eyes and go through yet another day. Perhaps today would be the day he was waiting for, the day he would return.
He pushed the blankets aside, and swung his feet out onto the floor. Would he even recognize him? He'd changed so much, there seemed to be nothing left of him but skin and bones, hidden behind the make believe images he projected outward for everyone else to see. If he had truly wanted, he could have even made up a fake Rasiel to fool everyone into believing that his love had returned.
But no. It hurt too much. Each time he drew out an image of Rasiel something was off... something was wrong.. and it reminded him that he wasn't actually with Rasiel, just a fake. Just something he created to ease the loneliness and so each time he destroyed his creation only moments after giving it life.
He stood up, slowly making his way to the mini kitchen to get a glass of water. Only his cups were left, the ones he'd brought in when they moved into their dorm. Deskri stared at them for a long moment, reminiscing.
That was when something inside of him snapped. He hated those cup.s He hated the bed on the other side of the room, he hated Rasiel's furniture, his bedding, his belongings. He hated his everything. The way he spoke, the way he pretended to care, because he obviously couldn't have truly loved him if he just so easily ran off without a word.
He reached up and pulled the cup down, stared at it some more, and then threw it at the ground as hard as he could, letting the rage boil up inside of him and take over. He grabbed the others, throwing them across the dorm as hard as his weak body could manage. They shattered against the wall, the floor, other breakable objects which in turn shattered with the impact.
Still, he was not satisfied. He reached into the plate cupboard, where he grabbed whatever dishes Rasiel had brought in with him and smashed them as well. When there was nothing left to smash, but still an overwhelming need to destroy left inside of him, he turned to the side of the room which Rasiel had occupied.
He trudged over and ripped the blanket off of the bed, grabbed the pillows and threw them across the room. He dropped to the floor, pulling whatever Rasiel had hidden under his bed out and threw that as well, successfully creating a hole in the wall and nearly shattering one of their windows. And yet still, the rage inside of him continued to grow, continued to get so out of control that he stayed kneeling on the floor, grasping his head in agony. He let out a shriek, one that did not do justice to his feelings, and allowed whatever power he had left inside of him do as it willed. The shadows closest to him formed arms which began tearing whatever they got their hands on to shreds.
By the end of his fit he sat up right, glancing around the dorm room, examining the mayhem he had caused. He felt empty by that point. No longer stuck in sorrow or consumed by anger, just empty. Tired, perhaps. He pushed himself to his feet and stumbled over to his bed, where he sat down and continued to stare that the wreckage.
"I can't keep doing this..."
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Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 6:59 pm
..:: It's Over ::..
[the page is dotted with tear drops, something black, and smeared with quite a bit of blood]
I can't... I can't believe I did it.
I ended it. Everything.
I had just hoped he would stay my friend, and oh... he is... but it still hurts so much. I want to believe I cut him deeply as he cut me, but the thought of even wanting to have caused that damage makes me sick to my stomach. I hate him and I love him but I know that I can't be with him. Not like that...
so I'll back off... I can't leave him entirely, I don't have the strength for that. Even now the urge to just end it all is overwhelming. I'm alone in this house, no one would even notice. Not until they realize I've not talked to them in a month or two...
It's selfish but.. I think I might ask Sonnet if she'll come stay in the guest room.. just so I don't go through with the plans I keep making. This new growth... it's given me some clarity of mind to know that I will be missed if I do kill myself, but... it's only enough to ask someone to come watch me. I feel pathetic for needing it but...
I don't know if I can make it by myself. It's ridiculous since I'm the one that ended it.
Perhaps I really am a masochist, the ultimate product of Kagyaku's hard work.
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Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 5:22 pm
..:: Help Me ::..
Quote: Deskri opened the door to the house and stepped in, set down the bag he was carrying, and leaned back against the door until he felt it shut. The house was silent, not a noise to be heard. That solitude was tempting... who would notice? Logically he knew someone would check on him eventually, but how long would it take people to realize he'd disappeared? He picked up the bag again and headed into the living room. There, he sat on the couch and pulled out his phone and hit the speed dial for Sonnet. He couldn't stay in this house by himself anymore. He wasn't sure how he was going to go about asking, but he knew she was probably the only one that would oblige. "Sonnet...?"
Quote: Sonnet was in her room, as she always seemed to be when he called. She peered over at her phone as it buzzed against the wood on the desk. She yawned and got up from her bed where she had been writing this and that, just to pass the time. "Hello Deskri," she said as she picked up the phone, plopping herself back onto her bed.
Quote: It always surprised him how her voice had the ability to make whatever was bothering him disappear for awhile and calm him down. He began to wonder why he'd even called in the first place. "H-hey... how are you?" He figured he'd start with the small talk, rather than call her up just to ask things of her again.
Quote: "All right I suppose," she said with a light laugh. "It's kind of quiet here today, family is out shopping. I wasn't allowed to come, so I can only assume it's mom getting her Christmas shopping done...super early, as usual..." She paused for a moment. "And how about yourself?"
Quote: "haha... I haven't even thought of what to get people for Christmas." He shook his head a little and leaned back against the couch cushion. "I'm..." he started, and then broke off. "Not good. He came back but..." he broke off again, feeling an unexpected bit of emotion shove itself into his throat. "I ended it."
Quote: "Ah well that's goo..." She then stopped and sat up straight with a jolt as the words he had said actually sunk in. Her grip on her phone became tighter as she swallowed hard. "What...wait...he did? Y...you did?" was all she could get out at this point. She knew this wasn't good. Wasn't good at all.
Quote: "I- I did." He replied in a bit of a croak. "A-a few d-days ago." He slipped out of his shoes and brought his legs up so he could curl into a sort of ball. "I've been t-trying t-to manage but i-it's hard b-being alone all the t-time I mean.. h-how long would it t-take for s-someone to notice th-that I disappeared...?"
Quote: "Why the..." pause "Frick does it matter how long it takes for someone to notice that you dissappeared? You...dissapearing will hurt people no matter how long it took to realize it, and I'd think you'd know by now that I would notice pretty quickly..." She was angry and scared at the same time, and starting to tear up just a bit at this overflow of emotions hitting her so quickly Quote: "I-I know that... I do, I really do... th-that's why I e-ended it." he choked a bit. "'cause if h-he disappeared a-again I'd r-really do it." He took a moment to breathe, trying to keep his voice steady. He knew at some point he'd have to get the question out, but he still didn't feel any better about asking Sonnet to leave the comfort of her home to come stay with him. "I-I can't keep b-being alone, but... H-Hayden h-hasn't moved into the d-dorms yet and h-he'll just make it w-worse so I can't go home..." Instead of just outright asking the question he, perhaps not purposely, hinted at the other solution. Quote: Sonnet rubbed her temple with her free hand as she sighed, trying to calm herself down. "Give me a half an hour. I'll need to pack up a few things and tell Mom what's going on. You really shouldn't be alone right now, not in your conditions mentally..." There was a pause. "It'll be okay Deskri, I promise it will. I'll make sure you don't dissapear." Quote: He let out a sigh that sounded too long for one that hadn't been already held in. "O-okay... I can w-wait that long. I'm s-sorry." He sniffed a bit, and started to try forcing himself into calming down again. She'd caught on, which was what he needed, which meant everything was indeed going to be okay... finally he felt his nerves start to relax.
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Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:31 pm
..:: You Put Me Back Together ::..
Sonnet came over, just like she said she would... It took awhile, but I finally broke down. I ended up sharing the guest bed with her most of the time because I couldn't stand sleeping by myself. She really puts up with way to much of my s**t.
I'm pretty sure Asu got her to talk me into allowing the Christmas party to be held at my place. I mean, first Asu was pestering me about it, and just when she seemed to give up, Sonnet approached me with the idea. Asu knows I can't really turn down a request from a friend, especially Sonnet... sheesh.
So, tomorrow, Sonnet is going to make two chickens and some macaroni and cheese, and I'm going to make three trays of brownies.
I'm kind of sad that Rasiel will not be part of any sort of holiday celebration from now on, but... as long as I at least have Sonnet... everything will be okay.
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Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:38 pm
..:: I don't even... ::.. I... I don't even... I'm kind of torn right now. On one hand, I'm quite pleased and perhaps even elated... on the other, I'm about ready to go on a war path and destroy Hayden and Cedric.
YOU PULL THAT s**t AGAIN AND I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL END YOU. END YOU.
What s**t, diary? They put a ******** mistletoe in my living room! AND THEN HAYDEN SHOVED ME UNDER IT WITH SONNET!
The looks on their faces! Ugh it makes me fume. I'm sick and tired of people thinking they can just do whatever the ******** they want to me and I'm just going to roll over and take it!
THAT WAS THE LAST TIME.
At least it had a good outcome... I mean...
It's only been a month since Rasiel and I broke up. Only a month... and yet, Sonnet and I are now a couple....
We talked about it, and she told me that she's loved me all along. (how the ******** could I be so blind? I really am retarded, aren't I?) So... now we're together.
I'm happy, but I'm also kind of afraid. I don't really feel like I can behave the way I behaved with Rasiel with Sonnet, I mean... I'll be blunt, I was a pervert. There are things I would rather die that admit to doing that I did with Rasiel, I can't even fathom doing them with Sonnet... That's not a bad thing, not at all, I just...
I'd feel like I were some kind of monster tearing down something beautiful and innocent if I acted that way. Soooooo for now, nothing goes unless she says so, I guess... I'm not even going to suggest anything. I just hope she doesn't mind that I kept a couple of um... things..............
I'm burning this entry too.
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Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 11:30 pm
..:: Oh shi-- ::..
s**t.
Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I don't have anything planned at all because any dates I can think of are all things we've already done! I mean literally! The only thing Sonnet and I haven't done is have sex.
and I am NOT going to hand her a card that says "hey, so we've already done all the couple stuff so lets have sex today instead." <******** no.
I would expect to get punched in the face if I did that. And I'd deserve it.
but seriously. What do I do?! We've gone out to movies together tons of times... we've been out to dinner... we've gone shopping... we live together now so a sleepover is ridiculous.
ugh.
I have nothing.
I did manage to get some roses (and other flowers) as well as some chocolates for her... I thank the powers that be every day for my illusions... she has no idea they're in the house. I made sure to get them while she was out. hahaa... for once, I will get away with something and she won't have a clue.
but back to the date thing.
I'm screwwwwed.......
maybe... I'll just order a movie and try to like... cook something edible... she's always doing the cooking. It's about time I do something in return for her.
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Posted: Sun May 08, 2011 4:59 pm
..:: Another Disappearance ::..
Well, I kind of forgot to write in this thing again. But that's a good thing, I mean, I've been happy. Like... really happy.
Despite the utter horror that was the beginning of valentines day, (How the hell did I get a porno instead of the movie I ordered? What the hell!) the rest of the day went well. Very well.....
Anyway, stuffs been pretty low key. Rasiel, Alice, Syth and their two kids Yoko and Lucian have been missing since before Christmas... I'm worried, but I have no way of contacting them so all I can do is wait for them to pop up again. All that stuff aside... Asu's been relaxed... Hayden moved into the dorms and is now buddies with Cedric.
Those damn teenagers... I swear I can still feel subtle hostility from Cedric... what did I do!? Okay, so I ******** up when he was a toddler and managed to get him triggered into monster mode, but seriously! That was AGES ago!
Whatever... that's not the biggest issue.
Ring searching is a pain in the a**. I don't exactly make a lot of money so expensive stuff is kind of out of the question... I don't think Sonnet would really want anything too expensive anyway. BUT, I want it to be perfect. If I would work metal I'd make one myself but noooo... all I get are shadows and fake images. Oh well...
I'm not even sure how to ask her, really. It's kind of awkward? I dunno... maybe I'll leave the box out or something for her to find. Pretend I didn't mean for her to find it or something....
yeahhhh.....
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 9:52 pm
..:: A Lot Just Happened ::.. Okay... so... I found the perfect ring (with Moira's help), but I had to hold onto it for awhile because Asu decided seemingly at random to adopt Moira and Silas, so I was suddenly given the task of finding out how to get rid of Silas's Bad Thing because Asu thinks I'm some sort of expert on the subject. Whatever. I ended up asking Cedric for a favor.
Never again.
That was... easier than expected but still terrifying as hell... why am I bringing that kid into my family? I don't know...
Anyway.. after that was dealt with...ugh. Silas. that kid. He's so... illiterate he can't even speak right but goddammit he managed to ask the one question I did not want to be asked at a table full of people who like to nag at me for entertainment. He asked if Sonnet and I were married!
AND IMMEDIATELY MOIRA BURSTS INTO UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER, AND PEOPLE START JABBING AT ME... but worst of all... WORST of all... Asu asks me where the hell her grandchildren ******** insane! Why did she have to ask THAT question in front of every family member to ever exist in this family!?
Sonnet got us out of there before I exploded though. Not sure what happened there after that because we ditched them.
Anyway, we ended up at the sort of like... pseudo-forest on campus. Sooo I proposed there and of course nearly ******** the whole thing up getting the words wrong. sheesh.
She accepted, thankfully... so now we're planning a private wedding because uh... neither of us have any friends. We're like... hermits. Perpetual hermits. Moira can't even be considered a friend anymore, she's now my little sister. Smaller weddings are better anyway.. less cost, less people, less formal. I hate formal.
And people.
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 10:56 pm
..:: Wedding ::.. The wedding was nice. Asu butted in on the planning, otherwise it wouldn't have been so.........
bright.
Not to say that I wanted it dark or anything...but.. like, lavender? Really? I know we're both pretty purple, but couldn't she have gone with something a little less cheesy? I was at least able to convince her that we didn't need "real" decorations since I can make fake ones and it's free, and we don't have to clean up. Hurray.
Cake was good. Chocolate cake is the best. Uhmmmm... all of the family was there? There's not much to write about. It was pretty low key, relaxed... we went in, got business taken care of, and left to go "party."
Asu of course mentioned grand kids again I, of course, ignored her. Seriously... who does she think she is?
Anyway, I'm just glad nothing horrible happened and that we can do the whole honeymoon thing without anyone barging in on us. Yesss... complete solitude...
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:55 pm
..:: Why did I do this? ::.. Oh god.
Oh god....
WHY did I do this? I thought the anxiety of it all would calm down after the fact but it's getting worse! All I can think of is accidentally breaking it or something. Oh god...
L-let me back up...
We have an egg.
Yes... we made an egg and we're going to be parents and it's all because I agreed to do it and oh god..
I'm going to end up tripping over air or something and murdering our child...ren... whatever pops out.
I'm scared to hold it.. I have a few times, but only while sitting. I wont' dare walk around with it. Sonnet's handling it really well, but she's like, made to handle kids. I'm not! I'm going to be the worst dad ever.
Goddammit why did I agree to this?
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:21 pm
..:: I think I need Medication ::.. I gave myself a couple of hours to cool down, with a hot chocolate 'cause that always helps...
Going back and reading that previous entry makes me seriously consider getting myself checked out for medication or something 'cause that's just ridiculous.
Everything'll be okay. I kind of hinted at the egg when talking to mom a few minutes ago. I don't think she caught on... but she did mention kids anyway and I guess she's feeling particularly motherly 'cause she insisted I'd be a good dad... that made me feel better.
I'm actually holding it now. In my lap, anyway... we're gonna watch a movie and then head off to bed, I think. Working out how to sleep with an egg is going to be awkward but.. we can do it.
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Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:03 pm
..:: Who Authorized This!? ::.. Okay. What?
What just happened.
First. I get a call from Asu. Hayden adopted twins... Castor and Pollux. I seriously hoped they came named because if he purposely named them after the constellation Gemini, I might just have to smash my head into a wall. How unoriginal with twin names can you get?
I finally managed to get off the phone with her, after she demanded that we all get together so the twins can meet everyone, and I get a call from Avon!
Normally I hate that guy. He's cocky, he acts like he knows everything about everyone and just the sound of his voice is grating. But he's all serious, and he's like, "just don't go off campus unless you absolutely need to."
And I'm like, "well why?" and he says some s**t went down and I should probably be extra careful about the egg. What?
He had to call some other people so he just sort of hung up on me and I got ANOTHER call from Asu again.
She says these kids, Tobias and Zahur (never met or heard of them) got into some serious trouble on the human side. Apparently Tobias like, attacked his family? And Zahur killed them all? I don't even know.
So now I guess we're like, almost at war with the humans. Fun s**t. This is EXACTLY what I want my child(ren) to be born into. ******** this s**t.
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Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 7:21 pm
..:: Can We Slow Down? ::..
Sonnet's mom wanted to let us in on some big secret or something so we went to her house, turns out she's a dragon. Like, a real live ********' dragon. The world never ceases to amaze and scare the s**t out of me.
While we were there the egg hatched. We are now the proud parents of two daughters, Altair and Kindle. Kindle seems to have a speech problem, but i think we'll be able to sort it out. Altair has zero tolerance for nonsense, it seems... she's already snapped at me a few times in her silly little toddler speak. But I'm happy... it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be, which is amazing. I mean, it's hard being a parent, but not like I was thinking.
Avon pressured me into heading the first outing. ******** b*****d. I don't want to lead an outing. I want to stay at home and do dad things. This is ridiculous. These kids better not piss me off... ugh.
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Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:00 pm
..:: Okay I didn't mean THAT slow ::..
Okay when I meant slow down I didn't mean that we should just stop doing anything at all... Like ever. I dunno, we had like a massive lockdown and s**t while the Elders sorted out ******** knows what with the humans so apparently everything is ~magically better~, like I'm gonna buy that.
Altair and Kindle are still not leaving this campus for a long a** time. Speaking of them they're still toddlers, but happy, at least. Maybe the new generations just grow slower. I would say that I don't really ********' care except the toddler speak is starting to drive me a little crazy and I'd like to have some normal conversations??? ugh...
Hayden took his little monstrosities and Kyle off on a music tour or something? I guess the humans like his electronic screeching. Whatever, it just means those evil little twins can't ruin my house anymore.
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