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 Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 6:32 pm
Lol. That is funny. XD
Alright. I see how that works now. Thank you. :3
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Posted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 7:28 pm
Glad to entertain and inform :3
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:27 am
This is from an angel war roleplay. It is my character's introductory, or first, post. I don't know if what I put was too insignificant or uninviting. I think I dragged on too much, what do you guys think?  Zander was walking through Noril'sk, a large city in the region. He was purchasing food and other supplies on orders from the rebel group. They had to get a lot of things on their own, because buying in large quantities would be suspicious, but somethings could not be gone without, and required planned missions to obtain, as well as currency. He had been in this city for two-and-a-half weeks and had begun to dislike it more with each passing hour.
Zander rolled his shoulders and neck, still walking in the marketplace. His wings ached from the constant stillness and restraints. He hated the air that made it feel as though he was constantly breathing through an air filter that should have been replaced five years prior. He was sickened by these people that could live here, even work here and contribute to this wretched air that would dye his wings black if he could no longer resist stretching them. Even the cloth around his face to keep out some of the wind had darkened and could do little to make the air better. Beneath his mask, his skin was fithier than it was normally due to the air pollution.
He sighed, and turned to a stall to negotiate a price for a swath of leather. This was a mining city after all, but surely something could be done to make it slightly more bearable. He never liked his missions to this city, but it was odd to be so removed from humans that he continually and mistakenly volunteered every so often. He wanted to return to Moscow, but his superiors chided him about the stupidity of that, reminding him that he was a wanted criminal with ties to that city and angels there were on alert to destroy him. Destroy, that is what he'd been told. Not apprehend, not kill, not something less vivid than destroy, but actually and only that word that brought images of lynching into his mind.
Zander shuddered, but it appeared to just be a shiver from the biting winds. The clerk was impatient, and wanted to move on to other customers, but was stubbornly sticking to the listed price for the leather. Maybe when the rebels set to decimate human civilization, if that was what they were planning (he never bothered to ask), he could request poor, insignificant Noril'sk. He'd like that, turning the city into a giant air filter. The large man chuckled and walked away, using this one last tactic to get his price. Sure enough, the clerk was about to tend to the next customer but called back to Alekzander and offered something between the prices the men were arguing between a brief moment earlier. After a few more minutes, and almost walking away again, Zander got a good price, and traded coins for the leather. It was time to head back to his lodgings and check for any communications.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 7:41 pm
((to HRHD (His Royal Highness Dude) Thanks for the critique. I've been waiting for sometime now to be notice but that's besides the point. I understand everything your saying in you post and it's been a great help to me,but just to point out one little detail It was mainly a quick piece I put together and to clarify Zero's not either an Emo or Twilight style vampire. He was defiantly my own creation....more or less he follows along the lines of the traditional vampires(he is 463yrs old) but he has a sort of "I don't care attitude." but in hindsight thank you for taking the time to read my post))
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:25 pm
Hmm... I'd like this post to be looked at, if possible. It's about average for me, so being given a direction to improve in would be of great help.
----
Thunder rumbled and lightning cracked, a cacophony of sound that finally gave way to the steady beat of rain. It was a heavy rain that beat down on the wooden roof, dripping over the edge and onto the window with sharp, hail-filled taps. The occasional crack of lightning would brighten the entire room for a moment, before settling back down to the dim, bluish glow that the tv set gave off, just enough to make out a worn leather chair in front of it and boxes piled against the room. Many of the boxes were empty, but a few were filled with items, and it was through these items that the occupant of the room was rummaging.
She didn't live here, of course. Nobody did. The apartment building had long ago been forgotten, along with many of the other buildings that had been owned by a once powerful company that nobody really remembered anymore. It was the perfect building for storing the items that she didn't want to be found at her home. Nobody really came into this building-if you were young and wanted to hide from your parents and law enforcement, you typically went down to the river, where the warehouses stood empty.
As the tv rumbled with thunder she straightened up, walking with the soft footsteps of a thief over to it and clicking it off, before walking to a window and peering out of the blinds. It was calm outside, unlike the show that had been on the tv, with just a few clouds occasionally obscuring the moon. There were a few people on the street below four floors below her, typical for a weekend night like this.
Heading back to the tv she grabbed her sweater off of the back of the chair, pulling the dark grey piece of clothing over her head, cursing under her breath as it snagged on one of her many earrings. Rubbing her ear with one hand she ejected the dvd from the player sitting on the tv and placed the movie back in it's case, slipping it into the backpack by the door of the room-room 403-in the hallway, before turning and shutting the door. It would be easy enough to get out of the building without being seen, as the laundry room was located on the ground floor and held a broken window to the dark alleyway just outside. It was to this room that she headed to.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:57 am
Sir Awesomealot They had to get a lot of things on their own, because buying in large quantities would be suspicious, but somethings could not be gone without, and required planned missions to obtain, as well as currency. Fix this sentence. It can be broken up into more, and the meaning is unclear. It seems that the character is dressed differently than in the image, so it may be of use to describe that. It seems he is in Russia, but with wings I think he'd stand out. I don't understand how they are bound, so that might be something else to add. The post does seem a bit off overall, but I can't place what it is that makes it so.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:00 am
Kiirea, your sample is good. I think this is more about it being pulled from out of the company of the other roleplay posts, but parts of the location-oriented description were difficult to follow.
If the building is abandoned and forgotten, wouldn't the television have been stolen, or at least the power and cable no longer hooked up?
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:36 pm
Hello! This post is an average post for me. It was my entrance post in a roleplay about a bus accident, sadly I lost the link. I posted this on my previous account. I would love some pointers if any one is willing. Thank you for your time.
Quote: Faint light trickled in through the now darkening sky as Eva rolled over onto something sharp. "Oww!" the teenager moaned as she immediately tried to dislodge herself from the sharp object. Eyes still closed Eva would bring her hand to her side, trying to sooth the injury only to find that her side was not the only thing hurting her. A strangled cry escaped Eva's lips as she tried to regain her balance, opening her eyes the teenager would scream. This isn't happening..this isn't happening this isn't... Clutching her side Eva would begin to breath heavily. The sight before her was gruesome. Classmates she had known since she was a small child, lay mangled and bloodied on the floor..no ceiling of the school bus.
I'm going to be sick. Eva thought as she sunk back down onto the ceiling. As much as the young woman wanted to get out of the metal death trap she felt compelled to stay, in the confines of the now mass coffin. Please tell me someone is okay.I can't be the only one too.. Sucking in a big breath of air Eva would count to ten. She couldn't allow herself to think that way, not when the bodies of those she had know, cared for and respected lay so near to her living frame.
I need to get out of here Clutching her arms around her waist Eva would listen, listen for movement, listen for sound. Is anyone awake? Do you need help? Please answer me! Please!" Eva's head would turn in the direction of the distant cry, the effort bringing a moan to the young girl's lips. The pain ricocheting through out her body. How do I get out of here? Slowly Eva would again rise to her feet, her balance wavering in the process. "Is anybody else alive!?" The voice, a female voice cried nearer to the wreckage then the first one giving Eva a direction to follow. Stepping over her classmates Eva would try to not look at the bloodied mess and debris scattered across the bus as she moved slowly towards the emergency exit. With each step she took Eva would note the pains that shot through her slender frame. Be thankful Eva. she though miserably as she crouched down next to the emergency exit You are in far better shape then the rest. Holding back a sob the girl would crawl through the the exit window, picking at the shards of glass that stuck to her bloodied clothing. " H--heeelllo.?" Eva's attempt was weak and she knew it, did she really want to be found? Saved from the wreckage that so many had perished in. The teenager was unsure and she knew the shock would wear off eventually, the adrenaline that kept her from doubling over and passing out, would soon wear thin. Then what would she do? " I..I ..where are you?! Eva would raise her voice to try and be heard, she was sure that the one's who were calling where people she knew, people who may be close to dying, and she couldn't let them.
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 9:32 pm
((just a random Halo story I decided to do so here it is))
0500 hours September 17, 2233 Elenor Albion system
Aboard the Hexon battleship Spirit of Fire.
Captain Cutter walked across the observation deck studying the sight of the planet newly named "Raptor". Although the planet clearly had no dinosaurs on it, Two thirds of the planet was covered in desert and from space large cracks in the planets surface resembled reptile scales hence the name given. He pulled out his data pad and survayed the damage cause by the covenet. Though humans had only been living on it for barly a decade, It seemed as if the covenet didn't care weather humans had been there for two days or or two centuries.
The captains faced looked grim as he read the report of the ODST (Orbital Drop Shock Trooper)) battalion sent down to the planet.
To: Captain Cutter commander of the Hexon battleship Spirit of Fire.
From: Captain Bert Anderson. Acting commander of ODST Alpha company
367th platoon.
Nearly sixteen squads have been lost in the initial drop and our numbers are falling fast. The covenet are clearly after something in the desert and have started digging a large area about sixteen kilometers in diamider close to the cities of New Rome and Daytona. The boarders of the dig sight are heavily guarded and they've thrown a large cloaking device around it blocking all visual confermation. At this point in time we are requesting for operation Warhammer to be initiated with the help of "Spirit of Fire." Our troops cannot hold our current positions long as the Covenet are pushing the boundries of the dig site farther out.
End Transmition
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Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:52 am
Behold: my longest post ever. Eye the wall of text with wonder. I'm pretty much just looking for a comment on the length. The RP is semi-lit: link to RPQuote:  ▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀Alexandria {Alie} [Sydney] Valens▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄{{OrcasOnCrack: Wow I didn’t think I could manage two epic long posts in a row. I really like to describe what she’s drawing, since I can’t draw it myself.}} Alie doodled for a bit in a comic style, there was a story this school told. On the top of the page she had written "There are..." in 3D block letters to be colored with bright colors and what covered the rest of the page was 6 sections with the well known hierarchy of each clique drawn in a cutsy-ish form. In the Jocks there was: the Quarterback, - A "QB" on the shirt with a hamburger for a head, flexing his muscles- the Rich Kid, - dollar bill signs on his eyes and in a tux- the Charismatic One was just a normal looking guy with little sparkle stars around him, the Wrestler had a mask and tights, and the Captain of the Soccer Team had a bunch of soccer ball's around him and one balanced on his head. Above their heads sat the words The Jocks in the same 3D block font that all the clique titles would be in on the page, this would be colored in with the school colors. The Preps section was right next to The Jocks, to be colored in pinks and light purples: The Head Cheerleader, she was almost tempted to draw a big black ‘X’ over that one, Harmony had taken up the role of Leader as if she were born for it, she was a bit nicer than previous years but Alie still hadn’t forgiven her for the torture the green-eyed girl had endured her first year back in the States. Alie had later heard that what she said confused Harmony and most of the watching crowd but was translated by one of the quieter Nerds. The Rich Girl too had dollar signs for her eyes and a short but elegant dress, like one you’d see on the red carpet. The Rumor Spreader had a hand close to her mouth as if whispering something and a half speak half thought bubble to signify whispering, with the word ‘RUMOR’ in curly font inside. Alie dressed the Slut in high-heeled boots, a corset and a miniskirt. Finally the Daddy’s Girl had a cell phone with the word ‘DADDY’ on the screen. Every one of these girls had a halo and devil horns on their head. They weren’t as loyal to each other as other cliques were and would sell out one of their own in a heartbeat and without a second thought. The Punks; to be colored blacks, reds and other dark but vibrant colors; The Troublemaker- Devil horns and tail with a sly huge sly grin, a can of spray paint in one hand, a permanent marker in the other, background in graffiti text was ‘TM’. The Party Starter- DJ stand on one side and a case labeled ‘BEER’ in the opposite hand. The Band Leader- Playing an electric guitar with a microphone and stand next to her; little musical notes with lightning bolts above her head. The Skater was obviously a guy on a skate board, throwing up the rawkfist with both hands and sticking his tongue out. The Nerds would be blander, using grays and black. The NHS President was a generic person, with hair not long or short enough to tell whether it was a guy or girl, glasses, button down shirt and slacks with loafers. The Overachiever was sort of the same minus the glasses but holding a paper with an ‘A+++’ on it. The Dungeon Master was dressed in a starred cape and hat, with glasses. The Homework Doer was seated at a desk with a pencil in hand, writing on paper. The Creative Junkies, to be colored in a rainbow of colors and with different intensities of color, pastels and darks. There was the Artist; that was her, a girl with a sketch pad. The Musician had sheets of staff paper at their feet and musical notes over their head. The Shy Writer was a person sitting at a desk with their head slightly bent over a paper and pencil, a slight blush upon the face. The Dancer was doing the moonwalk with a top hat and cane. The singer held a microphone in her hand and had musical notes coming from her mouth. Then there was the Actress- on a stage, in a spotlight and holding the classic comic and tragic masks, one in each hand. Alie heard a bit of a commotion that pulled her out of her drawing before she could start on the next square. It was coming from a nearby hallway so she got up, leaving her stuff. She knew it was safe under the clique’s lockers. When she rounded the corner she saw Annie’s blonde hair disappear into a classroom. The loud noise was coming from the room beside the one Annie had entered. She peeked in to see two girls fighting one looked punk but she couldn’t be sure, the other looked prep but was fighting claw and tooth, just as the other girl was. It took Alie a second to realize the punk looking one wasn’t even in a clique, though most of the so-called ‘Undecided’s leaned more toward punk, they usually didn’t get on well in a group setting, they were kind of the lone wolves of the school but they made up their own pack. Alie had seen this girl at the mall a week or so ago, flipping tricks, from her own two feet, off walls and railings; just about any surface really. It was pretty cool to watch and she'd attracted a bit of attention, getting applause when she just walked off as if nothing had happened. 'So it's starting again,' she thought sadly. 'Just like every year before, we have to tear each other apart at every chance we get.'
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Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:50 pm
Just want an opinion on my first intro with so many characters being played at once. Here is a link to the RP. "The Demon"xxxxxxxxxxx"The Angel"xxxxxxxxxxxxxx"The Grandson"  Dresden couldn't help but chuckle lightly at the argument between Damien and Xavior, only seeming to smirk at the smaller of the two's reaction. "He's been in a bad mood all morning, just stay away from him and the old bat." It was a word of caution as the fairly young demon just headed off to find something to amuse him. He was a rather lustful one, but... the old woman just didn't seem to understand he didn't want her. To old, and the wrong gender for his taste. Running a hand through sandy blond hair, Dresden gave an annoyed sigh. The old woman had to die soon... right? Until then he was trapped here with orders to get her soul and not let the angels or the middle man get it first.
Jasper just drove up to his grandmother's having all he could fit in several suitcases and boxes packed into a too small car for the purpose. Shrugging it off he could see the house, a light sigh escaping him at the thought of his parents getting killed in a car crash and the old woman being the only other option than foster care. It was only for a year since the teen was about seventeen himself and pulled up in front of the house. Parking he got out to knock on the door, half expecting his grandmother instead of the male he was greeted with. He couldn't of been more than his twenties by Jasper's guess. "Uh... hello?" It was the right address though the other male hurried upstairs and Jasper just walked inside to try and figure out who the other person was.
Raziel hurried up the stairs, grey eyes widening a bit as he caught the gist of the situation. The grandmother was pulling her stunts... again. Clearing his throat the angel offered a small smile. "My lady, you have company." Of course he kept his wings hidden for the most part and gave a bit of a glance to Nathaiel to give the slight hint that it was best to move away from the woman. Atleast for a little while as there was company. Raziel wasn't exactly sure how to handle that situation downstairs.
((Grah fail intro. >.< )) 
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 11:37 am
moonlightwolf111 Just want an opinion on my first intro with so many characters being played at once. Here is a link to the RP. "The Demon"xxxxxxxxxxx"The Angel"xxxxxxxxxxxxxx"The Grandson" Dresden couldn't help but chuckle lightly at the argument between Damien and Xavior, only seeming to smirk at the smaller of the two's reaction. "He's been in a bad mood all morning, just stay away from him and the old bat." It was a word of caution as the fairly young demon just headed off to find something to amuse him. He was a rather lustful one, but... the old woman just didn't seem to understand he didn't want her. To old, and the wrong gender for his taste. Running a hand through sandy blond hair, Dresden gave an annoyed sigh. The old woman had to die soon... right? Until then he was trapped here with orders to get her soul and not let the angels or the middle man get it first.
Jasper just drove up to his grandmother's having all he could fit in several suitcases and boxes packed into a too small car for the purpose. Shrugging it off he could see the house, a light sigh escaping him at the thought of his parents getting killed in a car crash and the old woman being the only other option than foster care. It was only for a year since the teen was about seventeen himself and pulled up in front of the house. Parking he got out to knock on the door, half expecting his grandmother instead of the male he was greeted with. He couldn't of been more than his twenties by Jasper's guess. "Uh... hello?" It was the right address though the other male hurried upstairs and Jasper just walked inside to try and figure out who the other person was.
Raziel hurried up the stairs, grey eyes widening a bit as he caught the gist of the situation. The grandmother was pulling her stunts... again. Clearing his throat the angel offered a small smile. "My lady, you have company." Of course he kept his wings hidden for the most part and gave a bit of a glance to Nathaiel to give the slight hint that it was best to move away from the woman. Atleast for a little while as there was company. Raziel wasn't exactly sure how to handle that situation downstairs.
((Grah fail intro. >.< )) 'Tis fairly good, but I was confused that Dresden was not the male in the house until the end. For a moment I thought all three characters were there together. A bit more transition, perhaps a blatant marker, between locations is all that is needed.
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 11:41 am
LillianSaire 'Tis fairly good, but I was confused that Dresden was not the male in the house until the end. For a moment I thought all three characters were there together. A bit more transition, perhaps a blatant marker, between locations is all that is needed. Thanks. I think I even confused myself when writing it. Haven't done a post with so many characters since then. ^^;;
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