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 Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:06 am
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Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:08 am
We All Fall Down - MSN Roleplay with fallingUPstairs__x x
Lironax had been standing nervously down the hall from Aludra's room for a good forty-five minutes now, tentacle flexing its spikes anxiously. About three or four times he had actually plucked up the courage to walk down and speak to his best friend about what he was dying to tell him, but it had always dissipated as soon as it appeared. But he knew he had to do this, and now was a good time; neither Noah nor Adhara were in the apartment right now, so there wouldn't be any interruptions. So taking the deepest of calming breaths, he flapped both his wing and tentacle to dispel his nerves and marched down the hall. If he walked slowly, he would just run back and nothing would be done.
When he was outside Aludra's door, Lir's nerves almost failed him. He trembled terribly, but swallowed and knocked on the door gently. "Um, 'Ludra? C-Can I come in? I need to talk to you about s-something important."
For some odd reason, nothing seemed so embarrassing to Aludra as the fact that he could easily sit for hours working on chess strategies. Sure, he'd never thought highly of himself, but he'd never really seen himself growing into... well, the type of person who would do such a thing as staying awake deep into the night studying chess strategies. Sure, at the moment, it wasn't that deep into the night, but by the time it was, he would still be there, doing the exact same thing.
As soon as he heard the knock at the door, Aludra's eyes widened. He immediately knocked the chess board back to where it had been, in the corner with all the other chess sets he'd collected over the years, yanking open a drawer at the desk he was sitting at and shoving the papers into it, crumpling them in the process, before slamming the desk drawer shut, posing as nonchalantly as he could -arms crossed with his head resting on them- before glancing at the door. His tail was flicking back and forth a bit nervously / frantically as the remaining anklewing flexed and relaxed; yeah, he had definitely just been sitting there all evening.
Right.
"S'fine, Lir'nax. Can come in," he replied, letting out a breath. Why was it that being around that boy always made him so... fidgety. Nervous. It was... dispiriting. He didn't like always being so awkward and gangly around the slightly younger male. If only he could be... better. Something that Lironax actually... deserved, maybe?
Lironax blinked at the sounds of the scrambling and stepped back timidly, wondering if he had come at a... bad time. Of course, he couldn't ask Aludra that directly; he would just insist that it was fine, regardless if that was truthful or not. Sighing once again and gritting his teeth, Lir mustered the last of his nerve. "C'mon, Lir, you c'n do this." With that muttered self-affirmation, he bravely opened the door and walked on in.
Smiling nervously, he made his way over to Aludra's bed and sat down gently, gesturing for his friend to do the same. He looked down in silence for a few tense moments, then plucked up his courage once again and began to speak in a low, gentle voice. "So, 'Ludra, you- you know how I'm really... girly, right? Like, waaaaay more than boys usually are, huh? And how p-p-people often mis-stake me for a girl? Well... there's a... reason for that. I..." Here his voice petered out, terrified of continuing, but Lironax stubbornly forced the word out. "Transgender. I'm transgender, Aludra. I... I was supposed to be born as a girl," he finished with a small, openly desperate smile.
Aludra, of course, responded to the gesture of 'come closer' with a very bland look, as Lir well knew by now that Aludra wasn't the biggest fan of... physical closeness. But, as long as he wasn't being clung to, the boy didn't object and made his way to sit beside his friend, a bit worried at the other's distress. Just a bit, though; Lironax seemed to be nervous around him a lot, and he was well aware why. He was never the most hospitable to the other, and yet Lir continued coming back each and every time...
Whatever. He was supposed to be listening to Lironax talk, anyway, not prattle on in his head about things that were completely unimportant for the time-being.
Aludra nodded simply in response to most of what the other was saying, a little distracted, trying to beat himself in the game of chess he'd previously been playing with himself, as Lironax wasn't saying anything of value at this point. Until the word 'reason' slipped from his lips, and those tri-coloured eyes finally came back from the world of imaginary chess pieces, looking at Lironax Lorcalle with an expression of honest curiosity, waiting for him to continue.
"Transgender...?" Aludra murmured in response, before Lir had full time to finish what he was saying, talking more to himself than anything. He knew what that meant from somewhere, but he wasn't completely sure where he'd heard it. But, of course, the explanation came right after, and Aludra laughed nervously in response, shaking his head. No, no, no, that wasn't right. Lironax was a boy, not a girl. Aludra had just barely grasped hold of the fact that he was as queer as the rest of his family, he didn't need to start questioning that again. He didn't want to have to start questioning that again.
"No, Lir'nax. Doesn't make sense. Is... just... girly. Crossdressing'n'things, not... not actually female," he replied, that nervous laugh edging his voice. Yes, it would be hard for Lironax to deal with this, too, some part of him understood that. But there was this deep, underground, selfish part of him that completely refused[ to take in what the boy was|saying. No, there was now way. "Is... not a girl, Lir'nax."
To be honest, this answer, this outright denial, confused Lironax to no end. He had expected that Aludra, in all of his kindness to him (however bassackwards it could be, it was still kind), would be the first to accept this new light on him. And- and- he was going to help Lir tell his dad- and- he- Oh, this was going all wrong! Part of him wanted to bury his face in his hands, but the other part forced it to wait and try again. M-maybe he hadn't quite heard right, was all...
"N-no, 'Ludra. I... I'm not just girly. I practically AM one," he said, laughing nervously much like the other. "There's n-nothing about me that's mas-masculine at all. And- and- I... I really feel like everything would make a lot more sense if I was a girl." That desperate smile showed itself once again, and he glanced down nervously. "I mean, wouldn't it?"
Aludra just stared at the boy, nothing seeming to happen for a moment, before the telltale warning sign of impending doom loomed over the pairing, the red of Aludra's irises slowly growing to consume the green in a splotchy, uneven manner. He chuckled softly under his breath, tail tapping the bed in the same way an irate man would tap his foot to control his temper, both eyes closing as he turned his would-be gaze back to the floor, shaking his head a bit.
"Lir'nax, is not a girl. Makes sense, sure, but not really... is not... you're a boy, Lir'nax!" he exclaimed finally, though it wasn't so much in anger as it was in distress, confusion. He didn't understand what Lironax was trying to explain. For some reason, it just wouldn't click in any part of his brain what the other was trying to say.
"Is... is a boy, Lir'nax..." he said, gaze deepening, eyebrows knitting as he bit gently at his lip with an incisor. "Doesn't... doesn't make sense, what he's saying. If was born a girl, is a girl. If boy, is boy. R-right? Like... like... it... Lir'nax!! What are you even TALKING about?!" he yelled, hands turning into fists in the bedspread, biting into his lip and turning his eyes back to the carpet, snapping them shut once again. His world, their world was flipping upside-down, coming apart at the seams...
And he had no idea how to stop it.
Lironax looked in confusion at Aludra's chuckling, unable to fathom what was so hard about this concept. That is, people on the street constantly mistook him for a girl, sometimes more than once! Why couldn't Aludra see that part of him, too? Why was it so important that he be a boy?
He jumped back in surprise at the sudden yelling, eyes widening in fear and scooting back slightly. Lironax had never seen Aludra this angry before. After the echoes of the yell had drifted away, he timidly attempted to answer the question, fingers twiddling nervously.
"Aludra, you heard what I was talking about. I... I honestly feel like I should have been borned a girl. Like, when I even consider doing things like other boys or wearing the kinds of clothes that they do-" here he played with the fabric of his sky-blue dress self-consciously - "or... anything that has to do with being a boy, I feel... wrong. Like, at the very deepest part of me, wrong." He glanced up at Aludra's shockingly red eyes, tears of confusion and desperation beginning to well. "Why can't you understand that, 'Ludra?"
And that... what... what was Lir talking about? He just... just felt wrong when he was dressing like a boy, acting like a boy? Aludra's eyes, the green draining away from them with each passing second, took their turn to glare at the boy harshly, Aludra's tail hitting the bed with a harsh thud every other second, his breathing harsh as he watched the other, as though searching for a falsehood in what he was saying.
"Lir'nax... is... supposed to feel wrong... isn't... he?" Aludra asked, very obviously growing more and more confused with every second that passed, before he shook his head slowly. "N-no, is supposed to feel wrong. 'Ludra always feels wrong, is... is... is normal says Lor, too. Normal to be angry. Normal to be full of... anger. At war with se-self," he stammered, trying desperately to control himself, not to lash out at the poor Lust spawn, so pitiful, so desperate for an understanding he wouldn't find in Aludra.
No one would find understanding with Aludra. Not even himself.
"Lir'nax, is normal to feel wrong. Is... acceptable. Is...how 'Ludra feels, so... 'Ludra isn't so different that his thinking is wrong? Right? Feelings aren't wrong when... when are wrong, right?
"Is... normal to feel wrong, Lir'nax. Is what it's like... right?" he asked, gazing up at the other with something that definitely wasn't anger. At least, not at Lir. He looked... confused. Worried, obviously. And... just as desperate for acceptance as Lironax seemed at the time, though it was for a completely different reason. So that was it? He couldn't accept Lironax because... he couldn't accept that he, himself, was the only one who was constantly at war with himself? Constantly hating himself for what he was...? And that wasn't normal. And he knew it.
Lironax just stared at Aludra as the Greed spawn stammered out his half-baked explanation, mind reeling at the implications it gave. Aludra was... at war with himself? Constantly? That sounded... awful, and was almost enough to make Lir dismiss his problems for a while and deal with his best friend's.
Almost being the key word there. As much as he loved Aludra, and hated seeing him so violent, Lironax couldn't - wouldn't - accept the fact that the pure wrongness of what his body felt like was normal. No one else that he or Aludra knew seemed to have such a problem with themselves, and if it was normal, wouldn't his dad or Noah or Adhi or someone told him about it beforehand? Sighing sadly, and watching the thrashing tail with a wary eye, he spoke gently, but firmer than he had
ever spoken with Aludra before.
"No, Aludra. I'm very sorry, but I don't believe that. I mean, if it was normal, wouldn't we see it more in other people? And, begging your pardon, but my wrong seems different from yours. It's... it's hard to explain how, but I just think it is. And I need you to help me deal with it, 'Ludra. You're my... well, I care about you the most out of everyone, and if-if you help me, maybe... I can help you." Another pathetic smile trailed after this speech, expressing Lironax's desperate hope that he could get through to his obviously-angered friend.
Of course, there was nothing that was going to change Aludra's train of thought now. So it... wasn't... normal to be feeling the way that he was? The angel side of him, the side that... the part of him... the donor that felt as though he didn't deserve to be paid attention to... he'd been lying when he said that it wasn't abnormal? When he said it was normal to feel...
Nearly all of the beautifully bright, innocent green remained in the Greed demon's mottled red eyes at this point, his breathing losing its controlled edge, tail tensing and slapping the bed and lashing in a manner that signaled that Lironax may want to leave. But, of course, he was a patience spawn, wasn't he? He wanted to get his point across, get Aludra to accept what was going on when the male clearly wasn't about to do that.
Growling softly, he shook his head, pink hair falling into his face from behind his ears despite the gesture being so gentle. "Can't... Aludra can't just 'deal with it'. Isn't normal, Lironax. Neither is 'normal'. Doesn't want to think his own problems are so... problematic, and can't even begin to think about Lironax's." One hand oustretched, grabbing the younger boy's wrist tightly, part of him wanting the other to squirm out of the grip and get as far away as possible, and another part wanting him closer. But the anger was overpowering. It was once something he took out on himself, throwing himself down the stairs, cutting up his arms, tearing off his scales. But Lironax was around so much... too much.
"Lironax... isn't... supposed... to... change his mind now. Not when Aludra finally, finally comes to terms with... with..." he suddenly stopped, a slight flush spreading across his face, embarassment stopping the anger in its tracks. He dropped Lironax's hand, turning and going back to his desk, taking a seat and pulling out his papers once again, writing down notes that barely made sense, turning his brain away from emotion, back to logic, back to what made sense.
"Get out."
By the time Aludra had seized Lironax's wrist, the boy had realized that this, for whatever reason, had been a terribly bad idea. He winced and bit his lip in pain, gently pulling away in fear. This... this wasn't Aludra anymore. This wasn't the boy who'd taught him how to play chess, or gave him dresses on a whim, or made him accompany him to church. This person wasn't that nice. This... This person didn't care.
He blinked in utter confusion at Aludra's words, cradling his injured wrist to his chest and stepping fearfully towards the door. It wasn't that he wanted to leave, but my God... Aludra was being so different, so wrapped up in his own confusions to help him work through his. And if Lir tried to help Aludra, he would just be turned down, like what always happened when he tried to do something kind for the other.
Not knowing what to do, he sighed shakily and nodded. "Okay, 'Ludra, I'm leaving. S-sorry to bother you." With that, he walked slowly backwards out the door, suddenly unwilling to be exposed around his... once-friend.
Considering his entire world had just fallen apart because of him, the fact that Lironax was able to hold back the wave of tears until he was safe inside his designated room was admirable.
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Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 3:10 am
Aludra... didn't cry. Aludra had never cried for an honest, serious reason until now, as he sat alone in his room, soft, stolen music playing through his room, wishing that he had the will to turn it up, to block out the obvious sound of Lironax sobbing from down the hall. Each time a delicate sob wracked the Greed and Humility child's slim figure, he felt himself flinch, each time a tear fell onto the soft pajamas he was wearing, another followed as a result.
He didn't understand anything anymore. Lironax was... was a girl? So he was straight, then? He liked girls all of a sudden? That wasn't right! That didn't make any sense!! He'd liked boys... well, he'd only liked boys in... in that way. He'd never looked at a girl in that manner, but since... since Lironax was a girl...
Aludra whimpered pitifully and buried his face in his crossed arms, shaking his head and trying to deny the truth. Finally, he recalled something that his father had given him. Lifting his head, he dug through one of his drawers and fished out a journal he was supposed to be writing in, apparently it was 'required'. Right now, for the first time, he actually felt like writing in it. Lifting up a pen, he looked at it thoughtfully a moment, before the words just started... flowing.
Journal Aludra's Journal I want him back.
___Not... not her. I want him back. My Lironax, my Lironax. The boy I protected and took care of and tried to help but only ended up pushing away with every glance that I gave him. God, what am I doing? What have I done to deserve this... this turmoil that daily treads on even the possibility of normalcy in my stupid, hectic life? The conflicts, the inner anguish and... the stupid conflict...
___I'm losing him. I'm losing Lironax, can't you see it?
___What am I doing. I'm talking to a book like it's going to make some different in my life. God, I need help... I want him back. I want to know how to... how to make myself better. Make myself worthy, deserving of Lironax. But I can't do that. I'll never, never deserve him, and I know it. Humility...
___Humility -noun; the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
___Greed -noun; excessive or rapacious desire, esp. for wealth or possessions.
___So... I'll forever be at war with myself. I'll never deem myself worthy for the possessions that I have, the people I have, the thoughts I have, even my existing. But I'll sit there. And I'll want. And I'll want. And I'll want everything I can find, anything that I can find to fill a void that unfillable.
___Lust -noun; 3. a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually fol. by for): a lust for power. 4. ardent enthusiasm; zest; relish: an enviable lust for life.
___Patience -noun; 1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. 2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
___So we'll... be forever circling? We'll never understand each other properly. Lironax... cares. About me. And I don't understand how anyone could care at all. But even if I say that, part of him refuses to allow him to give up until he reaches the ends he so desires. While I want him... but I don't believe I deserve something that I want so, so, so desperately.
___Why...
___Why would someone create us... children who... who can't even work properly... who are... internally...
___...broken. -Aludra Wezen By'arre
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Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 2:22 pm
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Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 3:16 pm
Noah's Journal
I don't know if I should be concerned or not...
___But somehow I really am. Once, Aludra and Lironax had been attached at the hip. They had all same friends, had met them all together, and did everything together. They never left each other alone, and I remember a time that Aludra actually confronted me about the fact that he had feelings for Lironax, despite the fact that he seemed unsure of what they meant. So I somehow assumed that they were going to get even closer when the two got near growing...
___All of a sudden, though, they don't even talk to each other anymore. While Lironax seems to do little more than just sitting around the house, Aludra is going off with friends... a lot more than he used to, for that matter. And his Humility side seems to have planned a complete, full-body takeover. He's gotten a lot quieter and a lot more... well, humble. He won't snap at being complimented, he'll simply blush and say that he isn't whatever you said in a surprisingly polite fashion.
___Along with that... he's come home recently practically raving about his friend Vincent. Really, it isn't a surprise to see him being excited about a friend, but he's talking about him in... a different light than he talks about most friends. Not just about him, what he looks like. But now what he likes, what they were out doing, and the fact that he was invited over for pie. It would concern me if I wasn't so glad to see Aludra getting less codependent and making more friends...
___At least I have that to be thankful for. That, and the fact that Silas and I are going to be getting married in a couple months!! That, by far, would be the only thing that's keeping me from really looking into Lir and Aludra's current... friendship problems. I suppose I'll bother them about that later. Well, until then...
-Noah
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 9:32 pm
It would be on a Saturday that you open your mail box (if you have one) and notice there is a rather thick envelope stuffed in there. There is no postage stamp and a very vague return address. But you recognize the font and the company's name. 'Seven of Seven Inc' scrawled in majestic font across the upper left hand corner. As you open it, you may strangely find yourself drawn to the letter, there is a mass of notes inside. They read as follows:
Letter Congratulations! You have managed to succeed in raising your child. (IE: Not killing him or her or getting killed yourself. Haha we kid of course.) We would like an update from you on the following: Guardians Name: Child's Name: Sin: Virtue: Gender: Current Attitude: Likes: Dislikes: Any abnormal growths: (if any, example: Feathers molting, horns growing larger, scars ) Current hair style: Current clothing preferences: Dominant celestial trait: (The sin or virtue) Please summarize in your own words how difficult or easy it was taking care of your child. Did you manage to care for them in a kindly fashion? Or were you forced to discipline them? As well do not be alarmed if you suddenly find your child achieving a massive growth spurt in the next little while. We are finding that the children from our facility have strange growing patterns and are rather unpredictable. Although please let us know if anything unexpected occurs. Sincerely the technicians from Seven of Seven Inc. Ps. Please just leave your letter back in your mail box one you have completed it our courier will pick it up. Thank you.
You would notice the letter seems overly friendly...strange since the scientist were so ...cold before.
(Just take the from Guardians name to Dominant Celestial trait and pm it to the mule, the summarization doesn't have to be long just have fun with it.)
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Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 3:46 am
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