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 Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:48 pm
So far, I really rather like your character and have no problem with him. As long as he has no direct connection to the Enlightenment Virus or the Thirteen Names, go nuts with his history.
Well, I do have one slight problem: The last sentence of the first paragraph in the Appearance section is awkwardly constructed at the beginning of the subordinate clause. I suggest breaking it with a semicolon and changing "... are accentuated..." to "... they are accentuated... ," but that's your call.
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Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:22 pm
Ah, I see what you mean now that I look back at the sentence. xd Your eyes are like an eagle's!!! I've changed the sentence as you recommended but used "...these scars..." instead of "...they..." since "they" would have been awkward for referring to "the occasional scar." Anyways, I thank you for your compliment and hope to continue to meet your standards.
On a side note, there was one profile I think you may have overlooked since you didn't comment on it. I'm not sure if such is the case, but the post is on the bottom of the first page, I believe.
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Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:36 pm
That sentence flows much better now. And behold, I have one of the powers bestowed by a major in English: the ability to pick over writing with a fine-toothed comb. xd Ph34r me.
I did notice that profile, but I've always assumed it incomplete; it's missing the third portion of the profile and, though decently written, does not meet my length standards. If it is complete, then it needs to be revised; otherwise, it needs to be finished. I really probably should've said something to her when she first posted it, and if she's reading this, I apologize.
Sagewort: If you are reading this, please tell me if you believe your profile ready for review; otherwise, I will assume it is not, and that it is possibly abandoned.
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Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 11:42 pm
I'll give it a go eh
AEDIFICIUM
NAME: Tolin Arnon
AGE: 27
GENDER: male
PERSONALITY: Tolin is a gruff and standoffish man to most. This is essentially due to his dual lives. This has also ground down his natural charisma, but he when needed he can still inspire men to go above and beyond. He has times where he opens up, but not often. He is also highly professional and doesn't take screw ups well. He tends to avoid people as a whole, prefering solitude. When forced to interact, he does not speak much beyond what would be expected.
Deep down he is confused. Being a rebel infiltrator he believes that CHOIR is evil, but has never seen why. He knows the information that the rebels have found, but has found no proof of it himself. This has started a conflict deep within him. To stay loyal to the cause? Or to turn his back from the rebels?
APPEARANCE: Tolin is tall, standing about 6'2" and weighs in at 212 lbs. He keeps his dark hair close cut military style, and stays clean shaven. His dark green eyes are piercing, as if looking for a flaw to exploit. He is heavily muscled and noticeably lacks any fat. His ancestry itself isn't obvious in his dark complexion, but to other Romani (gypsy) people he is obviously of their culture.
That said, he isn't all that handsome. He has a squat nose, and his eyes are slightly too far apart. He has a several scars, but the nastiest scar is on his abdomen from a piece of shrapnel. He tends to stick to military fatigues, but also wears jeans off duty.
MEMORIA
HISTORY: Tolin was born in Yugoslavia to a large group of Romani people. The subtle persecutions of his people weighed heavily on Tolin and at seventeen he left his family and traveled to France. He tried to hide his heritage from then on, usually saying his family was from Turkey, or Italy, or even Egypt.
In France, Tolin tried to make a living, but he lacked the education to advance far in whatever field he chose. After a year of dead end jobs, he was very close to despairing. In this time rebels were still prevalent and their resistance to the young CHOIR was fierce. This was the opportunity that provided Tolin with the opportunity he was looking for.
Tolin signed on with CHOIR's paramilitary arm. He received intensive training, where he found that he excelled. He was a good shot, and even better at close combat. Not only that, but he found that he could lead others and that they followed him willingly. He was given the rank of corporal and sent into Eastern Europe.
This was where the turning point in Tolin's life came. After several fierce skirmishes against the guerilla tactics, Tolin was started to become disenfranchised to CHOIR's tactics. Without any government controls CHOIR felt no need to stick to the Geneva conventions. Vicious tactics were used to eradicate rebel resistance. CHOIR's control made sure nothing to severe got out to the public, but Tolin knew what he saw was fundamentally wrong.
After three tours of duty, Tolin finally rebelled. His squad had tracked down a group of rebel sympathizers. They had orders to obtain the information where a large weapon cache was located. Tolin's superior officer started to beat the captives, women and children included. Tolin, unable to take the brutality, targeted his sergeant with his weapon. The other soldiers were split. Tolin was well known in the squad and well liked. And there were others who were uncomfortable with CHOIR's chosen tactics. A stand off ensued. It only lasted a few minutes, but the distraction allowed rebel guerillas to sneak up on the squad and launch an ambush. Most of Tolin's squad was killed before they returned fire. Tolin himself took shrapnel in the stomach which disabled him. By the time Tolin's consciousness faded, the majority of his squad was dead.
Tolin came to with his wounds bandaged and his arms secured. It turned out that the woman that Tolin's sergeant had been beating was the leader of this rebel group's sister. She intervened on Tolin's behalf, thus sparing him. The rebels proceeded to question him. Tolin, sick on CHOIR, gave them information willingly. After several weeks Tolin was even part of the rebel group, allowed to walk freely. It was then he offered to help the rebels by returning to CHOIR and acting as an infiltrator. The rebels were hesitant at first, but eventually agreed.
Tolin returned to CHOIR's military, almost 4 months after he disappeared. He recited a story of how he had been detained, and then managed to escape the custody of blood thirsty rebels. Then he gave away the position of the rebel base. Of course the rebels had moved long since, but it was obvious that they had been there recently.
For his heroism Tolin was decorated, given the (Would need to be filled in on decorations for CHOIR's military, unless you just want me to make something up) and promoted. Tolin then requested transfer from the front. CHOIR agreed and placed him as an instructor in one of CHOIR's military training facilities. Tolin has been doing this since.
POSITION: Military instructor, rebel infiltrator
REASON: As a decorated veteran, his military knowledge is invaluable to CHOIR. As a rebel infiltrator his position aids them greatly.
EXTERNUS
OTHER: Due to the nature of being an infiltrator, Tolin has a small social life outside of work. In fact he has not been in a meaningful relationship for over a year now.
PLAYER NAME: stratigo
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Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:34 pm
Ooh, more profiles! Hehe yay~ blaugh
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:07 am
Yes, and I'll give them a once-over tomorrow; I'm just posting to say that I haven't forgotten anyone, but I've been a bit bogged down with homework. @_@ I need to get a planner...
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:57 am
Oh yes you should... I have one. It saves my life everyday. 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:46 pm
I finished my profile, so you can take a look if you wish. I stated that my character was a captain of a regiment, but if you have another structure for CHOIR's paramilitary, just let me know. I would be more than happy to change that part because I have next to no idea about what a military is like. Anyways, I do hope more people start showing up. This profile took a lot of effort!!!
Ah, homework is the spawn of the devil. Those planners do help, though I bought mine for sixteen dollars.
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:28 pm
Ah, krnXplaya202... I liked your profile. blaugh
And geez, what does your planner do? Blow up cars?
I got mine for 99 cents! whee
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:07 am
Ugh, alright, back on track. I just need to read for Monday, and then read for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.
I think I'd like to get a planner that blows up cars. Maybe I could finally get a decent parking space in time for my classes.
Right, then, the reviews!
krn: Everything looks good, and I can't really find anything wrong with him. I'm looking forward to how you'll play him out.
Fortunately enough for you, I don't know very much about military structures, either; I'll look stuff up as we go along, just in the case of NPC officers and stuff, but I don't really care where someone puts their character in the hierarchy.
stratigo: The problems with your profile are largely technical.
The beginnings of some sentences are not capitalized.You've confused the words "duel" and "dual" in the second sentence of the Personality field; the proper word should be "dual."I believe that the Personality field should be broken into two paragraphs, the break occurring at the description of his confusion. I'd also like you to add a little bit to this section, perhaps on how he interacts with others.The final two sentences of the Personality field are sentence fragments.Please correct the font size of your profile. Size 10 or size 9 are the acceptable sizes.
Once you've made all of the necessary corrections, I'll be glad to accept him. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:43 am
Yay! Another person... 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 2:53 pm
Thank you Rose. 3nodding I too liked your profile.
eek My school sells all sorts of things at ridiculous prices. My planner isn't even anything special. Although, the cover is made up of some kind of unique material and has my school's crest on it. That probably cost a couple of dollars right there. evil
Morael, thanks. I'm hoping I will be able to play my character out competently.
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 7:04 pm
my planner cost 20 bucks, It didn't even have the crest! all it had on it was fishes!!! I hate my school.
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 9:33 pm
Mine beats yours... all of yours. I have "STUDENT PLANNER" in big white, and most likely Times New Roman, font just smack dab on the cover.
...and this gross sticky residue left over from when I pulled the price tag off. stare Freaking big sticker...
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:13 pm
I'll be working on this for a few days, please be patient. This one interests me.
Now, then...
AEDIFICIUM
NAME: Leslie Jacobs
AGE: 31
GENDER: Female (formerly male)
PERSONALITY:Leslie is cold and detatched. She carries out her assignment with calculating efficiency, but at the expense of others, if necessary. She views all people as expendable.
She always works alone, because she doesn't care about anyone, so saving her comrades is unnecessary to her. In one of her earliest assignments, she snuck into an explosives warehouse with three other rebels, to steal the stock. But when the security guard showed up, she threw a live grenade into a box full of the same, which one of her comrades happened to be hiding behind, to serve as a discraction for her escape. When questioned about it later by her superiors, she simply replied, "Well, he should have run like I did. If he wasn't smart enough to get the hell out of there, then he deserved what he got." She also admitted to not considering whether anyone, including herself, would be able to get away from the explosion.
She has said, "As long as the mission is finished, the rest doesn't matter."
APPEARANCE: Leslie is slender of build, but very boyish, for a reason which should be obvious: she used to be male. Approximately five feet six inches tall and roughly 120 pounds, she rather looks as though she were a gymnast or a swimmer, or even a runner. Of course, it could be said she does each of these out of necessity. Her body is toned, not bulky, and she has no breasts to speak of, unless you care to count her scarcely discernible pectoral muscles.
She has long, thin, black hair, reaching to the small of her back, usually parted in the middle, with no bangs. She has small, rather dull, but very dark brown eyes, and rather thick eyebrows. Her nose is long and square; it is the dominant feature of her face, to be sure. The thin slits of her nostrils tend to flare noticeably when she gets angry.
She isn't altogether attractive, being an odd mix of Indian and Korean, but that isn't something she's worried about with any regularity.
MEMORIA
HISTORY: Born December 31, 1987 as Jacob Leslie Imani, her early childhood was one of confusion. Her mother was an Indian radiologist in New York City, and her father a Korean dock worker in the same. The story goes that they met near the end of April 1985. Her father had fallen from the deck of a boat onto the docks, breaking his left leg. His physician sent him to the hospital to get it X-rayed, and the rest, as they say, is history. The story doesn't tell you about how Leslie's father had impregnated her mother entirely by accident; which is to say, he was drunk and forgot to wear a condom. Leslie's father left when her mother was six months pregnant.
During her childhood, Leslie was alone most of the time. Her mother had hired babysitters, of course, but they were teenagers, invariably, and as a consequence as uninterested in entertaining her as she was them. She learned to keep to herself, and to reserve her feelings for herself, as well. The first few babysitters she had she cared for very much, spending more time with each of them than she ever had her mother. But, they would move on, and she would have to hurt, knowing she'd likely never be close to them again. It was just a job to them after all. They didn't realize that this child clung to them emotionally as she should have her parents. But her father left, and her mother may as well have, working constantly. So she withdrew, to save herself the pain of losing.
Leslie grew up confused about who she was and what she was supposed to do with herself. Her mother, of course, wanted her to be a doctor, but Leslie didn't want the responsibility. However, she finally caved into her mother's pressure and went to Med school, to become a radiologist like her mother before her.
In 2010, Leslie's mother inexplicably disappeared. She was, quite simply, gone all of a sudden. It struck Leslie hard, to be sure. Everyone she had ever even remotely cared about in her life eventually disappeared. The part of her capable of love and compassion was now dead. Her heart was cold and withered. Leslie spent the next year and a half searching and digging to find clues as to her mother's whereabouts in earnest, hoping that she could at least keep one person in her life, even if it had to be her mother, but always came up with nothing. Frustrated, she submitted to fate and tried to move on.
At the start of 2012, a man came to her home with news of her mother. Well, if you can call handing her a piece of paper saying, "Your mother is being held by CHOIR," and silently walking away news. When she called around in CHOIR to find her mother, she turned up nothing, of course. A few days later, the man stopped by again, this time with a phone number.
The phone number belonged to a rebel operative in her area. Leslie quit her job, and joined the rebels, having to change her identity so no one would recognize her from her practice. So she finally did what she had wanted to do for almost twenty years; she became, finally, a woman. What better way to disguise who you once were?
This sex change was symbolic for Leslie. She had become someone else. Her mission was still to find out what had happened to her mother, and if she were still alive, to rescue her. But she no longer felt attached to her mother. It was instead a need to expose the evils of CHOIR, and her mother was a suitable a vessel as any.
POSITION: Rebel espionage and infiltration specialist.
REASON: She sees CHOIR as the reason for her mother's disappearance, and will do whatever it takes to find out what really happened, and expose her story to the world.
EXTERNUS
OTHER: Leslie likes kittens. Very much so. They are probably the only things she is capable of loving.
PLAYER NAME: [Kou-T]
Time for a stop. I'll be hashing the stuff out some more later.
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Reply
![[Kou-T]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/e0/a7/15b618e65a7e0_flip.png?t=1269558742_6.00_11)