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Since we're on the topic of dA, everyone needs to stop what they're doin' an' read my stories. I want comments on 'em. Tell me what to do right. Critique me.

http://neopaladinoflight.deviantart.com/gallery/#Black-Void
http://neopaladinoflight.deviantart.com/gallery/#Nexus

See, I'd put you in there, if it weren't for the fact that I already got a character exactly like you already ('cept cooler and not so much like you to the very detail, but you get the gist, and by "you," I guess I really mean Ryo, since I don't really "know" you). Y'know, it'd be interesting to see how all these KoV characters would translate into my little universe. I don't think they'd be able t'handle it.

Of course, of course.

Gotta admit, Neo I'm liking your writing.
It's not bad at all, but could use a little more structure.
People do fidget and move when interacting, and I personally think it'll be a bit better if you put in those small details... makes conversation a bit livelier.
Other than that, keep it up, not bad at all.

Yeah, I know, and for the longest, I've been trying to figure out how to exactly implement that into it. Like in my mind, I see the motions an' all, but I don't see it well enough to portray it. Any tips on, well, tips on how t'think? I'll see what I can do. Before I did do the whole description thing, but after proofreading it got to the point that I over described things. Like, every little action was put there, so much that the actual goal or meaning of the story was sorta lost. So I trimmed it down and said to myself, "phoowy, let the reader decide," but now that you point it out, if I leave too much up to the reader, the meaning behind the character's might be lost anyway. Need t'find that balance.

Yeah, her name is Lynn Taylor. Some pink haired girl who grew up with Nexus and DJ. She--hold up, here's how DJ described her.



How is she like Ryo? Well, she's a girl. She has hair. Two legs, two arms, two eyes, two--other things. Personality, she's all spunky, will typically look out for herself, unless someone she actually knows is involved. Like DJ said, she used t'be like the spawn of evil with that whole spell casting thing, but that's been toned down with age. If you were to spot her in the class room, you'd probably peg her as the weird girl. I remember way back when I was first writing for her, I'd come into spots like, what would she really do here, couldn't think of anything, so leave her out of the loop. Then as the story progressed, I started using her more and realized, she'd kinda do what Ryo would. Of course, that'd only be to a certain degree, but you get the idea.

Something that may help with writing... imagine it all in slowmotion. Like you are normal speed, but the story is way too slow, slow enough for you to catch every detail that is going on. The beads of sweat, for instance, or the slight twitch of an eyebrow. Stuff like that?

Even in first person it's good to keep track of detail. You don't even need to say that the person, the main character, is the one keeping track of it, just that it's there whether it's noticed or not.

A character can be paying attention to the color of apples at a fruit stand and not know anything about the little kids thieving from the bread bin behind him/her, but it's still interesting to take note of it despite the character not knowing.

It can lead to things like dramatic irony, like where the reader/watcher knows what's gonna happen before it does. This like this happen in suspense movies and such(this is an example) like where the bad guy is behind the door with the knife and the girl walks through the door and doesn't know... but the author/directer does, and so does the audience.

Also, it's not just the things around the character either, but what little movements and such the character does him or herself.