|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:29 pm
ok, mine sucks. so big deal. read the entire thing anyway. it isn't done, but i strongly recommend you read it.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:53 pm
Oh, yours isn't bad, not quite so close to that. Don't put yourself down for position over skill.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 1:30 pm
I didn't really do that great then.....what ever I'll try harder next time.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 2:11 pm
Yeah,I had a critique to say about it, but sometimes when I do, it comes out more meanly, than helpful. So I'll do what I do best and keep quiet.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 3:14 pm
It doesn't matter say what you think is right. I won't really care I need to learn how to type my story better anyways. My sister does really good and I'm trying to be like her.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 8:05 pm
I'll just say a couple easy things that are easily fixable.
Typos and grammar.... gonk
I doubt that they could just walk up to Castle Bern, when Bern knows they are the enemies.. It was different in FE7, because they were in disguise from the Black Fang and also weren't full fledged enemies to Bern.
The descriptions of the characters were inacurate... as in, Nino has green hair... o_0 ...and hair dye was not in existance back then. (Heath's white streak was not dyed >_>)
And I can't remember what else I had, but I'll edit this later, lol.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:33 am
my computer didn't say I had typo or grammar mistakes...I guess I should learn to look at the paper more. I only put them to Castle Bern so fast without them begin seen because I wanted to finish the story fast so I tried really hard to finish it up. I knew the description weren't that good.....I should have looked into that more...oops. I thought I put Nino as green hair...I guess I wasn't thinking. And I didn't know that hair dye wasn't there back then because of Heath I should have seen that too.
I guess I should look at the paper again...
I knew I didn't have to finish the story but I wanted to andI guess I shouldn't have... Well I hope someone at least liked it... It was fun to type out and make though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:35 am
well, for the Bern thing, I know you needed to be able to finish it to make it a short story, but one simple sentence or two could have been added to let us know that you had some fights before getting here, making the protagonist stronger.
And it's not that you added hair dye into it, I was eliminating that excuse for why their hair was different, lol
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 11:54 am
Oh I see that would have made sense. I'll look into that
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 1:22 pm
My advice is description. Like Mark Twain description. I rewrote mine with lot's of description and some minor changes, it was longer than yours was and much better than my first copy. I so wish I had edited before sending...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:11 pm
I see.. That would be smart too.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 9:18 pm
Uhg! I don't see what people like so much about Mark Twain! I read Tom Sawyer and hated it!
But, yes, description would be really nice.
Um, I personally think the biggest thing in your story Jats, was that it went WAY too fast. See, you were giving a lot of facts, and little description. The idea of your story is great--and all it needs is that backbone of the bard's beautiful vocabulary.
Also, when there is a number, spell it out. Instead of "23", write "twenty-three". It makes it look a lot more professional.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:12 pm
You must commend Jats for his efforts though, especially with the great length he put in. If we're aiming at quality then we can suggest detail, spelling your numbers, logical plot, and pacing the story. Otherwise he's done rather well.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:27 pm
Ed just took what I was trying to say and formed into the best description I can think of.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Overlord of Night- Shadow
|
Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:14 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
