Welcome to Gaia! ::

i thought it was funny (but then again im a saxophone)...

im a blonde flute player!!! i have fun in band!!!

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!

How do you know when a drummer is delivering your pizza?

He knocks on the door off the beat and doesn’t know when to come in

Q: How many low brass kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not *gonna* get changed; they're all gonna sit around laughing about "screwing" and "unscrewing."

There was a newly-wed couple who decided to go to the Amazon on vacation, so they hired a tour guide who knew the area well. As they were walking, they began to hear the steady beat of a drum.
"Is that bad?" the husband asked.
"No. As long as the drums keep playing, we'll be fine." the tour guide replied.
A few minutes later, they realized the drums had sped up.
"Is that bad?" the wife repeated.
Same answer.
Then, all together, the drums stopped. The wife and husband turned to look at the horror stricken face of their tour guide.
"What?" they asked. "What happens after the drums stop?"
"...Trombone solo..."

What do you have when the band directors are in a room with cement filled up to their neck?
Not enough cement

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five, One to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q: How does a percussionist get a good parking spot?
A: He puts his drumsticks on the dashboard. Then he can park in the handicapped spots.

Q: How does that one trumpet player change the lightbulb?
A: He just holds it up and the whole universe revolves around him.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.

The best ways to irritate a conductor:

1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.


(I know they're not all band, but they're still music XD)

Sadly, I got them, and even more depressing is that the one about the man entering band and the director telling him to join the trombones is very true when it comes to my section. crying

a man walks into a meat market for some meat for dinner

trumpet player brain: $0.01

drum player brain: $1,000,000.00



the man ask's why the the trumpet brain is so cheap and the drum brain are at those prices and the butcher says "it takes 1/1,000,000 of a trumpet players brain to make a pound and takes 100,000 drum player brains to make a pound."




(not bad for my first one sweatdrop )

im part of both those 8%s and proud of it!!!