Whats the best kind of trombone?
A broken one.How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
5: 1 to change it, and 4 to make ludicrous sexual comments.What's the difference between a trombone section and a saxaphone section?
The Trombone's weren't meant to sound like 2 cats in a fight, but they do. How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, but it's the only thing they won't screw. What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.What did the baritone get on his IQ test?
Drool.How do you know if a baritone section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it's not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they're all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no.Why are trombones best in bed?
trumpets do it w/ 3 fingers,
baritones do it with four,
but trombones know all the positions! Trombones are like sex,
you put lubricants on the hard part,
and the faster you play with it, the harder it gets.
In the end, stuff comes out of the tip.How many alto saxophone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
The neighbors get upset when you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.Band members are dirty...
they blow brass and suck wood all day. They're always talking about how good they are with their fingering. And some can double, or even triple tongue, and don't get me started on flutter tongueing. Not to mention, all this talk about sax practice and trom-boners. And they say, the people with the biggest "instruments" come out of their closet every day, with their horn polished....perverts.Timpani are like some people. They're open to others, and they're fun to bang.Bob is fun to blow. I need to work on my technique, though. I need to figure out where my arms go, how to hold him, and my tounging needs work. Oh, well. He lets me take it nice and slow. At least he's not as hard to play as Steven. You need lips to blow on him. Joe is fun to finger. I learn a lot from him, and I take him with me everywhere. People just stare at me when I walk past them with him around me, but I don't care. Bob and Steven are my first loves. Bob was $100, and Steven was over $400. It was worth it though. (Bob is my Bundy, Steven is my Selmer, and Joe is my guitar)When you're too low, push in, when you're too high, pull out....How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke?
Twice. Once when he/she hears once when he/she gets it. How Do You Confuse a Drummer?
By Putting a sheet of music in front of them.How do you get a percussionist off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.Save a Drum, Bang a DrummerRULES OF MARCHING
1: DON'T FALL
2: DON'T FALL ON
3: DON'T GET FALLEN ON The difference between the band's mess ups and yours...Ours are in step. Band Food Chain
The Band Director's tie
Clarinets I'd finger,blowand tongue you any day my beautiful instrument.Finally i made a B-flat on my test! i mean... B minor i mean....B minus!Woodwinds may be smart... But percusionists have more funWhats the one thing all trumpet players have in common?
Their ego is bigger than their abilitywhat's the difference between a dead deer in the road, and a dead bass player in the road?
There will be skid marks in front of the deerPractice Save Sax: Use a NeckstrapYeah we have to count rests and notes and we have to blend with, not only our section, but with other instruments, too. We have to sit tall to get our sound in tune. Keep our minds focused on the music and make sure it doesn’t get notey. We have to make the sound dark and chocolaty, and push all the air out of out lungs. We have to look at the Band Director when the tempo changes and look at the key signature if that changes so the notes are accurate. We can do ALL of this at the same time and we find it easy. My clarinet secretly doubles as a lightsaberThe soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?" Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays itThese two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!how many trumpets does it take to replace a lightbulb?
none. were the ones who made the first one explodeWhy were Tubas invented?
For Hide-and-Seek gamesWhat is the bad thing about being a female trumpeter?
The flute section constantly bugs you about keeping away from thier boyfriend, like you have any intrest in a guy who spends his day making kissy faces at himself.A trumpet player goes up to a group of flute playing girls and says "Hi!". The Flute players all stare at him, eyes wide in shock. One of them whispers "He must be the bright one, he can talk."How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two (and an Alto). One soprano to break it (and every other bulb in the box), one soprano to wonder what happened, and the alto to buy a new box and change the bulb.If a male trumpet player says something in the woods and there are no female band members around to hear it is he still wrong?Two trombone players meet. One says "Hi!!! Your better than me." The other says "Hi!!! No, your better, you should take my first part."
Two trumpet players meet. The first says "Hi, I'm better than you." The other just looks on in obvious disgust.You know you’re a band geek when… …you notice key changes in a song on the radio. …you try to tune your school bell. …you get angry when the random sounds the water heater in your house makes are not in tempo. …every person you’ve ever crushed on is in the band. …you describe people by the instrument they play and the chair they sit in. …you are confused when people don’t know who the hot trombone player is. …you like new reed taste. …you’ve shoved a stick with tape up a french horn to retrieve paper stuffed there. …you’ve used a tuba as a trash can. …you’ve lost something in the black hole that is a tuba bell. …you say “one time at band camp” and then a non-perverted story follows. …you actually enjoy sight reading. …you’ve used cork grease as chapstick. ...you’re asked to recite the alphabet and you go: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, a, b, c… …all your friends are in band. …you randomly sing your part in the hallway and every surrounding band member comes in with theirs. …not being able to feel your toes is a way of life. …you have two instruments: one for outside and one for inside. …you hear the word “banned” and automatically think “band.” …you eat lunch in the band room. …you go to the band room everyday, even if you don’t have rehearsal. …you can’t go to the movies because you have a rehearsal. …someone ask you to tell them about yourself and the first thing you tell them is what instrument you play, …people call you a band geek and you’re proud. …you threaten to murder anyone who hurts your instrument. …you’ve had a piano rolled over your toe. …the flutes are in tune. …you have a designated “concert clothing” section of your closet. …”fingering” isn’t perverted. …”double tonguing” isn’t perverted and you don’t understand people who think it is. …you fall asleep singing you audition piece. …your fingers run chromatic scales subconsciously. …the bottom half of your instrument has fallen off in a concert. …you are more than aware of the consequences of too much cork grease before a concert. …you instantly like a movie better if your instrument is in the soundtrack. … you choose to sit next to the base drum on the bus instead of a person. …your instrument has a name. …people call your instrument by its name. …you carry extra reeds in your pocket. …a cracked reed is a mega-crisis. …your friends feel so left out they join the band as honorary band members. …you make a “you know you’re a band geek when” list. …you read a “you know you’re a band geek when” list. …you own books on music theory and how to play your instrument. …you actually read and refer to those books on a regular basis. …you would only ever date a person if they’re a musician. …kids you don’t even know who are in the band know you and what instrument you play and worship you. …after a half day of school instead of going home and sleeping you walk through the slush and rain to the nearest band rehearsal and spend your day in the band room.…you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song. …people ask you about your social life and you say, “Oh, you mean my clarinet?” …you practice your instrument more than you talk to your family. …being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life. …you remember sharps and flats better than you remember the name of the president. …everyone wants to kill the other football team but you want to kill the other band. …the band room is your second home. …you’re home alone and suffocate because no one’s telling you to breathe. …you think a national monument should be built honoring John Philip Sousa.
…you give up your vacations to ride three hours on a school bus and play your instrument until your lips fall off.
…spit rags don’t gross you out.
…you hear a song on the radio and think, “This would make a good pep band song.”
…you’ve worn your neck strap to lunch.
…someone could punch you in the face and you wouldn’t respond but you’ll fight to the death over who gets to play the solo.
…someone yells, “Hey, clarinet girl!” and you respond.
…everyone in the band fights like they’re family.
…your carpet and bedspread have spit stains.
…you still hum band music from three years ago.
…your sitting at lunch and will randomly start humming the trio from a march you played two years ago and your friend will hum along with you.
…you’ve never had to pay to get into a football/basketball game.
…you never get on a bus without a deck of cards.
…you feel sick at school but won’t go home until after band practice.
…you still and always will find “sax-a-ma-phone” amusing.
…you name the city and the show and your friends know exactly what you’re talking about.
…you go into spasms if you aren’t in the same room as your instrument.
…there’s a story behind every dent on your instrument and you tell them often.
…you have recordings of past concerts and listen to them regularly.
…you’ve played the piano while talking on the phone before.
…you spend so much time in the band room people start to think you’re the student teacher.
…you think triplets are cool.
…you know your band director’s e-mail address and use it.
…you have an emotional attachment to your instrument.
…you don’t mind getting up at six in the morning for band trips.
…you think about what instrument non-band people would play if they were in band.
…you have a music stand in your bedroom.
…when you’re bored in class you doodle the music from the solo you played two years ago.
…you get mad that college football stations don’t show more of the marching bands.
…you hate the movie American Pie.
…you’re favorite memories and stories all happened in band.
…you make jokes in classes with no band people and get exasperated and end up saying, “It’s a band thing.”
…during a fire drill you complain to your teacher that you should be able to go to the band room because that’s where you would go in a real fire anyways.
…you’re favorite song is written by someone who died over a hundred years ago.
…you spend more money on reeds than on food.
…people call you a nerd and you correct them by telling them it’s “geek”
…getting a new instrument is more exciting than your birthday.
…people who aren’t in band can tell when there’s an audition coming up by the way you act.
…you can play more than one instrument well.
…you’ve tried to play two instruments at once.
…every conversation you ever have eventually ends up at band.
…your e-mail address has your instrument name in it.
…your password has to do with your instrument.
…you like practicing your instrument.
…you dream about band.
…you own more than one band shirt.
…you wear said band shirt to school when not required.
…you like the smell of your instrument.
…your foot taps involuntarily to every song you hear.
…you know more people in band than in your graduating class.
…you’re confused when people don’t know who the second chair sax is and are annoyed that you have to try and remember his name.
…you’ve ever had to duck in order to not get poked in the eye with a baton.
…it’s not basketball season, it’s pep band season.
…you don’t care if someone beats you up but they so much as look at you instrument and they’re dead.
…you don’t have to worry about that because everyone knows better.
…your designated meeting places with your friends is in front of the band room.
…you actually know what “lipping it up” means and you can do it.
…you miss more days for band trips than for illnesses.
…you’ve been depressed for weeks about an audition, and you ended up making the band anyways.
…every metaphor you every make to life is in comparison to band.
…you’re watching a movie and someone has just died and everyone around you is crying but you do a happy dance saying, “Listen to that clarinet!”
…the best compliment you’ve ever had in your life was that you had good tone quality.
…someone says “stand” and you think they’re talking about something you put music on.
…you keep in touch with your middle school band director.
…you wake up feeling dirty when you didn’t practice the day before.
…you memorize music better than vocabulary words.
…you get your yearbook and the first thing you check is the band picture.
…you’re the only one in band who ever has a pencil and everyone knows that.
…all your teachers know what instruments you play.
…even the people at band camp tell you you’re too much of a band geek.
…you refer to people by instrument, not name, and they respond.
…people come to you when their instrument breaks.
…you cry when your good reed breaks.
…you bring your instrument with you on vacation so you can practice.
…people call you a liar and you wonder why it is that they think you look like something to hold music onto your instrument.
…you don’t care if you break both of your legs, but if you ever sprained a finger you would die.
…you think bus rides are fun.
…trumpet spit valves don’t gross you out anymore.
…you’ve considered writing a book about your band experiences.
…”oboe” is one of your favorite words and you skip through the halls singing it.
…people worry when you aren’t with your instrument.
…band isn’t an extra-curricular activity, it’s a way of life.
…you sigh happily upon walking into a music store.
…the cashiers at the music store know you by name and know what strength reed you play on.
…upon meeting someone, after you ask their name you immediately ask, “Do you play an instrument?”
…they say “no” and suddenly you don’t care.
…the best part of a football game is halftime.
…the band sings better than the chorus.
…you talk to your instrument and expect it to answer you.
…you’ve fixed an instrument with duct tape.
…you and your friends write out songs in “Laaa’s” and try to guess them (and get them right).
…you have a collection of sheet music that you’ve gotten since fifth grade.
…and you still play it.
…you know who Dr. Beat is.
…the first thing you do when you get home from school is practice.
…you hear a recording of a sax and tell whether it’s a alto or tenor.
…you can’t walk away from the piano without resolving the chord.
…you wish ill on higher chairs.
…you just read this entire list.
When you can play your fight song on any instrument, even backwards, but you don't know any of the words.
You'll speed ninety to nothing home to grab anything band related that you forgot.
"Push in" and "Pull out" are phrases you hear on a regular basis and are in no ways perverted or sexual to you.
If you fall over, you make sure you hit the ground first to save your instrument.
When you start reffering to marching band as a cult instead of a class, and the head drum major is the cult leader.
You have a lock-in in your band room after band camp
You'll show up to rehersal half an hour early just to make sure you're on time.
You've had to do the limbo under a passing trombone.
If there are two band classes listed, you make sure you're in both of them.
You don't want to be buried in a cemetary, you want to be buried on the practice feild.
You've ran over more than one judge in competition, and you're damn proud of it.
You hear Dr. Beat in your sleep.
You are able to go out on the field by yourself and play/march a show from three years ago.
You'll remember your very first marching show on your deathbed.
You can't listen to 'Pirates of the Carribean' without thinking of sets to go with it.
You start tapping out the cadence on the nearest surface, even if it's a stranger's shoulder.
You've used a roll step to keep things from spilling.
You'll march out in the middle of a thunderstorm, even if you're a tuba.
You play a note or chord, you recognize it from a hit song, then become obsessed with trying to learn the rest of it.
You've given serious consideration to moving your matress into the band closet.
Half of the people who show up to the football games are band parents.
You fantasize of bringing an AK-47 to competitions, that way you can shoot the judge that docked a point off you.
You wear your band shirt on a regular basis.
You want to kill anybody that says "This One Time at Band Camp" who isn't in band.
you tap your foot to songs on the radio, unaware that you're doing so until the song is finished
you create an extremely long list about being a band geek
your right thumb is semi deformed from having it under the thumb rest thing on your saxophone
you hum the music you are playing in a different class till you get yelled at
some one asks what you are humming and you look at them like they are nuts
Im a band nerd......I play sax...Im a girl