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At that moment, Ares appeared in the hut with an X-Wing fighter noise. He smirked a bit.

"What do you want, Aressss?" said Xena flatly, as Gabrielle mouthed it along with her.

"Want?" asked Ares sarcastically. "I’m a GOD. We don’t want anything. We already have everything."

"Then what are you doing here?" inquired Gabrielle sweetly.

"Here?" asked Ares sarcastically. "What is here, anyway? How do you know where here is? You don’t know anything."

"Is there anything in particular you’d like to say?" drawled Xena, arching both eyebrows at once.

"Say?" asked Ares sarcastically. "How about, I really like Xena, but in a pinch either of you will do? Is that enough saying for you?"

"Do you have a point?" asked Gabrielle, cleaning her fingernails with a sai.

"A point?" asked Ares sarcastically. Then – "Hey, you’re getting pretty good with those things. Way to clean."

"Thanks. Again."

"Wanna be a god with me?"

Gabrielle laughed. "Of course I’d like to, but you can’t just rush off and do everything you’d like. The Greater Good and all that. Plus I’d need Xena’s permission. Xena?"

"No way," growled the warrior. "I’m getting jealous just seeing you two in the same room, even though I don’t find Aressss attractive at all and you and I are not in any kind of relationship but a really, really, good, close, binding, close, good, good friendship, except for all the kissing stuff, but that was ages ago and now we pretend it never happened."

"Jealous?" asked Ares sarcastically, then altered his tone. "Wait a minute. Kissing stuff?"

Gabrielle blushed furiously. "Forget it, Ares," she said between her teeth. "It never happened, okay?" She glanced off to the left and winked, then studied her boots. Xena hummed and looked out the window.

Ares strutted across the room, folded his arms, and presented the two women with the back of his head. Gabrielle elbowed Xena. "See how annoying it is?" she whispered.

"Just so you know," Ares spat, "I don’t usually take matters into my own hands, unless it involves either of you, in which case, I always take matters into my own hands and since this show is about you, no-one ever gets to see me not take matters into my own hands, which is why I’m explaining it all to you." He paused dramatically. "You got me?"

"Just barely," drawled Xena. "And now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for Guest Star Number One, usually a warrior who for some reason or another lives in a small village in the middle of nowhere and can fight as well as me but can’t look after the village on his own, because," she broke off and gazed intensely at the bard, "he doesn’t have a Gabrielle."

Gabrielle blushed again. "I couldn’t do it without you, Xena," she said adoringly. "I couldn’t do anything without you." She paused and cut her eyes to the left. "What?" she hissed. "Oh. Right." Her voice became loud again and she draped herself girlishly over a table, exposing a generous amount of thigh. "Except for a romantic interest. Oh how I wish a man would notice me!"

Ares snorted and turned to face them again. "If I had seen what you were just doing, I might be able to comment on it, but I was looking the other way for dramatic effect, so I can’t," he growled. "Either way … sweet dreams."

He paused and they both blinked at him. "You’re gonna need them," he drawled.

He paused again. "Because I’m your worst nightmare!"

Gabrielle yawned.

"The worst one you’ll ever have."

Xena coughed.

"And I’m really, really bad, too."

Xena and Gabrielle just stared at him.

Ares shuffled his feet a little. "Well, I am," he whined. "You just wait. Evil Jimmy’s large army is outside the city walls, and if you think you can beat him as easily as you’ve beaten all the other thousands of warlords exactly like him, then think again, Xena. Think again."

He disappeared in a loud flash of light. Xena stared intensely at the spot he had left and raised an eyebrow.

rofl

Fighting the Good Fight This one is spoof and is super funny. And is friendly to shippers and subbers and whoever else. Serisouly, this is hilarious.