|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Sep 06, 2024 2:49 pm
“I don’t really know! And yes please! I want to come over, and I want you to still come over whenever you want, you know! Mom will want to know that you’re still doing good.” He leaned forward slightly, trying to check on his hotdog, wishing he had laser vision to either cook it or see the temperature it was…to make sure it was cooked.
“I’d like that a lot. I like all of these ideas a lot.”
He broke off before saying what nearly followed but…that was for another time. Another day.
Another place.
“I know I’m beating a dead horse, but I really am glad you’re going to be living there. I’m so excited for you, Julian…you deserve so many good things…and I’m glad you’re finally starting to get them!”
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 06, 2024 6:25 pm
Dering leaned back against the chair and tilted his head to look at Lisse again, this time a bit contemplatively. His mouth was full but he smiled. “Before now, did my life seem pretty sad to you, Luke? Sorry, maybe that’s a weird question. It’s just…”
He was quiet for a moment, because he wasn’t even sure he wanted to ask. It was difficult for him to talk about a lot of topics.
Julian saw the good in everything. He only looked for the good. Sometimes it was incredibly difficult for him to grapple with situations that he was fine with when the people he cared about and respected always seemed to speak up about how bad things were. Maybe Julian just had a huge disconnect with ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Maybe he and the people around him had just walked very different lives.
He thought about trying to quickly change the topic, or trying to only divert somewhat. He chewed on the inside of his cheek. Luke had said they could talk about anything. Luke had encouraged him to talk. But did he really want to hear some of the things Julian had to say? He didn’t want to bring down the mood. He was enjoying tonight!
But he also trusted Luke. So as he rested his cheek against his shoulder and looked at his friend, he drew the hot dog close and just held it out of sight to deter any more cat-owls from swooping in. He wasn't done with it yet! He just wanted to focus on Lisse. Just for a minute.
“I don’t usually think about how other people see me. I mean, it’s okay if people don’t like me, or don’t understand. I think I have a pretty tough skin. But I’ve had a lot of people telling me that recently. That, um. That they’re happy for me, or they think this is better for me, or that I deserve good things, or that my luck is finally turning around. I just, um. You believe me when I say I’m happy, right?”
Nervously, he tucked some of his hair behind his ear. “I’m starting to…I’ve been wondering what people see when they look at me, sometimes. Like...I thought I was happy, and doing okay. But I wonder…if that’s not what people see when they look at me. Sorry, I–I don’t know why I’m saying this. I just. I’ve been getting really anxious about things. I think it’s just everything being a little overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like, um.” His voice softened but the little smile never left his face. His eyes returned to the fire but he was still facing Lisse. “Even good things can be overwhelming, right?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 06, 2024 6:35 pm
“I mean…you were in Hillworth and it wasn’t a mistake.” Lisse gave a sheepish, sad smile and shrugged. “I think that was a pretty good starting point. I didn’t think your life was sad...but I could…I could tell it wasn’t happy. I could tell that you weren’t really happy. You…were jumpy at first. When I moved to quickly or talked to loudly…I tried to change how I acted around you so that you’d feel safer around me…I know that I’m exuberant and it was hard to reign myself in completely, but…you weren’t in the school because you were some…delinquent, so.”
Was he answering the question right? Was he saying the right things?
“You’ve been smiling more lately. And it’s…been a different kind of smile. Like…ugh it sounds silly, but it’s been…a deeper smile? Like…one that you mean? You’re overwhelmed, absolutely, and I get that! But…ah…it makes me feel good. Like…tonight? I’ve never seen you so excited to…cook and eat something? It…it’s silly! I feel silly for feeling so happy about it, but…it’s like…for the first time you’re acting like…you feel like you...belong? I’m so sorry if my words are making you feel anxious…but…there’s been a change in you, Julian, and I really…I hope that you’ve noticed it too? And I hope it’s as good for you as you’re…reflecting? And I’m so sorry if I got off topic, my mouth just kept running on…”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 06, 2024 7:06 pm
Luke talked a lot, but that was normal. Julian liked to listen. When he had a hard time talking about himself, it was easy to just fall quiet and let the others around him talk. It rarely bothered him. He liked being able to absorb their words and stories.
It wasn’t that Luke was wrong, but there was a part of Julian that imagined Luke probably wouldn’t ever understand. It wasn’t a bad thing! Julian wasn’t talking about it, so how could he explain? How could he expect Luke to know the depths of the difference between their upbringing? It wasn’t worth it to talk about. Luke had a kind smile, but Julian didn’t like to see that sad shadow clinging to it.
He didn’t want Luke to pity him. He didn’t want to be seen as weak. He didn’t want Luke to think anything about his life was sad, or lonely, or miserable.
Julian was happy.
Luke was right, though–he was getting better at tapping into it. He was able to lower his walls. He was able to relax and be himself. He looked down at the hot dog and almost laughed, because even if this one was too crispy, his mouth was watering just thinking about how good it tasted. He probably could have made a third!
“I didn’t mean to make you change yourself,” Dering mused. “I don’t want you to have to work so hard just to be around me. Um. You never bothered me. I knew that you were just excitable. I didn’t think there was anything bad with that. You’ve got a good heart, I could see that. I’m just jumpy. I’m sorry if I made you worry.”
It wasn’t self-pitying or dramatic, he really meant it. He liked Luke! He didn’t want him to be spending his time worrying about Julian when things were fine!
“You’re right about some of the other things, I think. I’ve had a lot to smile about. Don’t give me so much credit, though! I’ve always had things to smile about. I just, hm. I guess I’ve had less things to worry about, too. And I’ve got a lot of really good friends who are supporting me and looking out for me.”
Maybe he hadn’t noticed the change as much as Luke had. Julian moved slowly; he was a creature of habit and it took a lot of time and effort to undo what was already established.
He couldn’t help himself and took another bite of his hot dog before sighing contentedly. “I’ve had the chance to meet some really good people. I don’t know if I would have had the chance to see the world from such a different way if I hadn’t gotten to be Dering. I still don’t really know why it went to me, but I’m really happy about that. Still overwhelmed! Still anxious! But I’m really happy, Luke.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 06, 2024 7:15 pm
“You didn’t make me do anything, Julian. I changed because I wanted to help you be comfortable. That’s all. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret anything that’s happened in our friendship. I’m glad that you’re happy.” He paused and looked down at his hotdog that he had all but forgotten about, and now his poor thing was charred black and he stared at it, with an amused expression, but finally just sighed and reached for another dog, gently scraping his now ruined one into the flames.
“I’m seriously, always glad that you’re happy. We all deserve to be happy. I’m so glad that you got to be Dering, and that I got to be Lisse…and that we both get to be in one another’s lives.”
He slipped the other hotdog onto the fork and once again held it towards the flames, nudging the pack closer to Julian in case he wanted another, Lisse wanted him to know that it was more than okay.
“I want…to be able to keep being in your life and help you to be happy, so…thank you for letting me.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 07, 2024 7:39 pm
Semantics! Dering smiled a little when Lisse insisted that he didn’t make him do anything, though. He was sweet. And kind, and thoughtful. He should be surrounded by friends and living his best life. Julian hoped Azure was going to be good for Luke; he wanted to see him thrive. And have friends that could match his enthusiasm and energy!
“I would have eaten that one!” he insisted, but there was laughter in his voice. He still had half his hot dog and for a brief moment though it might be greedy to actually want a third, but–
Well, Luke had offered. And it wasn’t like he was going to get the chance to do this very often. He wanted to enjoy it while they had a chance! And anyway, wouldn’t the hot dogs go bad sooner than the other things Luke had brought? He didn’t want them to be wasted.
…Although, it seemed like that cat-owl might finish off whatever they couldn’t.
“Thanks,” he said, and took one more from the pack. He could cook it while he was finishing up the one he already had. “I’m excited to see what the future holds. I’m glad we’ll get to figure it out together.”
There was so much left to uncover on Lysithea–even with Talia, they had their Wonders to look after and figure out.
Lisse had already seemed to be making good progress with his–and Stirling had done the most with hers.
He needed to figure out what Dering needed him to do.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
