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 Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:42 pm
Brooklyn’s head snapped up and she looked at Julian, horrified. “What? Of course I like you. You’re amazing, Julian. You’re one of the sweetest, most wonderful people that I’ve ever met. How could I not like you?”
It would be not liking a puppy, or a kitten or…
“...Can I hug you? You…flinched really badly when I tried to…to get you to focus but…I would really like to hug you right now…I…if that’s okay?”
Maybe…maybe she could still salvage this.
“I love you. I don’t just like you. I told you…we’re…the same. You’re my brother. You’re…the most important person in the world to me…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:43 pm
Julian didn’t want a hug but Brooklyn did. It wasn't that he disliked them, just that he wasn’t usually in the right headspace for them. He recovered quickly but he usually did. It made less trouble that way.
“Yeah. But my hands are sticky,” he cautioned, but he pushed himself up to his knees and then stood without touching anything.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to flinch.”
It was in his nature to stay quiet. But Brooklyn wanted him to talk. Even if it felt like a knife carving out his insides, Julian said, “You sounded really mad. I’m used to hands flying when people are upset. I know you wouldn’t. I just can’t help it. I do it a lot. It’s not just you.”
He wasn’t sure if he believed what she said. He wanted to, it’s not like Brooklyn was a liar or anything. The words just felt hollow. He couldn’t reconcile what she said now with what she said two minutes ago. Or maybe he could. He just needed a few minutes.
“What do you see in me that makes you feel like we’re the same?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:44 pm
“Who…hit you? Your parents, or your foster family?” She didn’t touch him, and in fact took a half step backwards. “I…was angry…it. Wasn’t you. I just…it…I’m just feeling a lot of things and I just…explode…but I’m not mad at you…”
Brooklyn drew in another long, slow breath. Counting to fifteen before she spoke again. “...I never. Had adults hitting me…but…I get the flinching…I…it was eat or be eaten in the first group home. It was awful. I…I do understand…and I’m sorry that…if I…crossed any lines I…”
She closed her eyes again and sank back into her chair after a moment. “Touch with those I trust has become comfort…I…Effie would hold my hand before…it was wonderful he made me feel like I had someone to hold me down? I miss the hugs from the two of them I wish…”
She wished that they would talk to her again. “I’m sorry if I didn’t realize that you didn’t like it…I just…” After a moment Brooklyn looked at him. “You hide it too well…you don’t…I can’t know what’s wrong if you don’t tell me…I’m glad you’re telling me…and…because we are. Both alone. Both. Just trying to survive. We have different skills but…I don’t know. I feel like together you and I could survive anything.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:45 pm
Brooklyn wasn’t really recoiling but in a way it felt like it. Julian hated talking about some things. He didn’t feel better about her knowing. He returned to his seat, but not before moving the broken glass to the table next to him just to make sure Maxim didn’t hurt himself.
Did it matter who hit him? He shrugged. He nodded. He didn’t want to spell it out. He didn’t want to upset her, though.
“I can’t tell when someone’s mad or mad at me. It feels the same.” The lines were blurred a long time ago and it was just safer to assume mad at him.
He was sorry that he couldn’t do the things their friends could. He could hold her hand, sure. Or hug her. But he knew he was awkward and stiff most of the time. He hadn’t really learned to convey things through touch but he was trying. He’d had some success.
“I don’t like to upset people.” Did she really feel so alone? She’d said it so many times, but Julian just kept thinking of all of their friends. Of Talia.
“I don’t think I ever saw me not talking about some things as me hiding them.” He sounded tired. Felt tired. The words came out of his mouth but it didn’t feel like he was the one saying them. It wasn’t that Julian had just checked out, he just didn’t have the energy. He drew his legs up on the chair and rested his chin in the palm of his hand. His elbow was planted uncomfortably on the armrest and he stared out into the backyard.
Yes, Julian had a habit of hiding his feelings or skirting around the truth. But who really wanted to hear negativity anyway? Why burden them? Who was it helping? Picking at scabs didn’t make them heal any faster. Sometimes they just scarred worse.
“Some things just aren’t really that important. It’s not worth making a big deal out of it. It doesn’t bother me enough to say something, so I don’t. Like, I know you want to take care of me. But I’m not helpless.” he said quietly. “Sometimes I feel like everyone thinks I am. Or wants me to be. It makes me want to give up.”
He didn’t want her to feel bad. His eyes felt wet. He hated talking. His nails pressed into his cheek and it hurt but it kept him focused. He found a spot in the distance to look at. He sounded tired and there wasn’t really any emotion in his voice.
“I don’t want anyone to think I’m more pathetic than they already do. I know how it looks. But I just want to be me. I want people to see me for me. Not some little thing they have to take care of. I’m not weak. I don’t need everyone to hold my hand all the time. Yeah. There’s a lot people don’t know. I don’t want them to know. It’s not because I don’t trust them. I do it for me. I don’t know why that’s so bad. Do you feel better knowing? Did it help at all?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:46 pm
Brooklyn was quiet for a very long while, trying to process what he was saying, trying to really figure out what was wrong and then finally she shook her head. “I have never thought of you as helpless, Julian. I’ve only ever seen you as my friend. And friends are there to help one another…you’ve seen me break down more than I care to admit. I’ve been a wreck since coming back to the city. You know that. You don’t judge me for it, and when you have bad times, I’m there for you too. It’s never been me thinking I’m superior or something. It’s just…helping. That’s how I’ve seen it. I like protecting the people I care about. It’s why I tried so hard to become a Knight in the first place…I wanted magic. I wanted power. I had the stupid hope that I could just. Protect everyone who needed it. A hero complex, maybe.”
But she was no hero. She was nothing but a horrible friend and a whiny loser. “You’re not weak, Julian. And sometimes…it’s not me wanting to hold your hand to help you. It’s so I can share some of your strength. You always seem like you have it together. I’m jealous of your masks sometimes. But I always know they’re masks I guess and I just…I dunno.”
Brooklyn honestly didn’t know where this train of thought was heading and she reached down, picking up Maxim and hugging him gently.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:49 pm
Maxim enthusiastically lapped at her face once he was given attention.
Julian could hear how much he was putting his heart into it even without looking; his collar was jinging enthusiastically.
He noticed that she didn’t answer his question, the one he really wanted to know. But it didn’t matter, it wasn’t like it was burning a hole. He didn’t think she was playing games or trying to avoid the question. She was probably just focused on other things.
The things she was saying were just getting scrambled up. He couldn’t remember if he misheard her before or if he didn’t understand what she said then, or maybe he just wasn’t hearing right. Now that his adrenaline was fading, he just felt tired. He had to ask Talia to find some way to get him out of the foster home like Brooklyn wanted and then he had to ask for therapy like he’d promised.
He didn’t want Brooklyn to be upset. He felt a little numb, a little hollow. Very tired. Trying to be someone he wasn’t was very hard but he could do it. He just had to put his heart into it and he could be better. He didn’t want to make her cry again.
“I’ll try to ask for help more often.” Even if he didn’t need it, that seemed to make Brooklyn happy. Even though she said he wasn’t, he thought she might like him more if he was weak and helpless. His ‘masks’ suddenly felt bad, like how he took care of himself was wrong and he was wrong, and it was bad, and his mood was dipping badly. His face felt hot and flushed. Maybe she’d feel better if he let himself cry, he just hated how it felt.
He’d try to be who she wanted him to be. It was probably better than who he was, anyway.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:50 pm
Maxim was a very good boy, Brooklyn knew that, and she allowed him to lick her face to a point and then just gently shoved him down and began to scratch behind his ears. “...I do feel a little better now that we’ve talked…yeah. But…I wish it hadn’t gotten so…out of hand, and that’s my fault and I’m sorry…”
If she had more tact.
s**t. If she had more tact she wouldn’t have had to deal with most of the things in her life, most likely. But she had been born without it and had to suffer accordingly.
“You…I…I don’t want you to try and change yourself…it all came out wrong, Julian, and I’m sorry. I’m not. Sure what else to say but I’m sorry that I hurt you…and I wish…I had kept my mouth shut…” Maybe if she kept apologizing. Maybe he’d forgive her. Maybe he wouldn’t leave…
Swallowing, she chanced a look at him, eyes once again brimming. “...Please don’t…stop talking to me…please…don’t stop being my friend…I can’t lose you too…you’re the only one who wrote me back…Effie and Mary hate me now, I just know it…and I just…”
Removing her hand from Maxim, she hesitated and wiped the hair off of it before rubbing her eyes again. “I’m sorry...”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:50 pm
It was only when she said that Effie and Mary hated her that he looked away from the spot in the backyard. “They don’t hate you. I don’t think they hate anyone, but especially not you.”
He’d never really heard them say a bad word about anyone–maybe the Negaverse? But that didn’t count, the Negaverse was trying to kill people.
For the rest of his thoughts and emotions that he was trying to sift through, that thought stood out more than any of them. Maybe because it was easier to think about someone else than himself. Even if she’d said she didn’t want him to try and change, he already knew he was going to have to go home and do a lot of introspection.
Why would he stop talking to her? Julian wasn’t that sort of person. He didn’t carry hate in his heart and he was a professional when it came to forgiveness. The idea that he should stop talking to her or stop being her friend had never even crossed his mind.
“They never even mentioned getting letters from you. They were really excited when I told them I’d heard from you. They asked about you all the time.” He seemed confused; his brows furrowed and he tried to push through the fog in his mind to recall how many times they must have asked about her or said they were worried for her.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:52 pm
She shrugged, looking rather miserable, like her greatest secret had just been let out. “They never wrote me back…and I was so excited to see them when…we all went to the Moon? But like…they acted like I wasn’t even there…Effie just…I…They have to hate me. I just vanished and obviously I wasn’t worth staying friends with. I get it. I’m baggage. I’m trouble. And I just bring bad things wherever and whatever I do. I’m just. A curse or something.”
It was something she had always thought. Something that she had always tried to keep buried. But they were both just. Sharing everything right now so what was the point of keeping anything closed off.
“I wrote to all of you. You, Mary, Effie…everyone that I could think of…and the only one who made any…Julian, only you came to find me or cared about how I was…”
But…if they weren’t mentioning getting letters from her…
“I guess if they don’t mention it…they just threw them away without reading them…I wouldn’t blame them.”
Still. It hurt more than she cared to admit.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:53 pm
Julian stared at her for a moment longer. He didn’t remember things being like that but he did remember how miserable she was, how worried and anxious she had been when she couldn’t reach her Wonder.
Had they gone to the Moon with her while he wasn’t there? He remembered how glad they had been to see her, how worried they were, how they’d talked to her but she seemed like she was a zombie. It was part of why he was so desperate to get her to stay with Talia–to stay somewhere safe so she didn’t have to be alone. Talia had a good heart, she cared so much. She would have wanted Brooklyn there even if it hadn't been an emergency.
Had she been excited when they went to the Moon? No, maybe they were thinking of different trips.
It was probably just a misunderstanding. He only saw the good in his friends, in everything, but he knew in his heart that they didn’t think Brooklyn was baggage, or trouble.
“...They don’t hate you,” he said again, like of all the things in the world, this he knew. “That’s not how they are. And you’re not any of those bad things that you keep saying. I don’t know why you’re trying to be so mean to yourself. None of those things are true and I’m sure there has to be an explanation. Elliot and Atticus are really nice and they really care about you. I wouldn’t like to you about that, they really did ask about you and they really do care about. They were worried because they hadn’t heard back from you after their letters but they never thought you hated them. They thought something must be wrong so they were really happy when I heard from you and when we were writing. And they were happy…” They were happy when they saw her, right? His memory might not always be that great but he knew he’d seen them light up, and try to make sure she was okay after their magic had been so weird.
“Brooklyn…I think you should talk to them because I don’t think this is making sense. I know they don’t hate you. And I know you were both writing to each other. And you’re both saying that you weren’t getting messages but all of you wanted to talk.”
He knew that. Even if he still felt tired and exhausted and sticky and hollow and shriveled and confused and–so many emotions he didn’t even want to think about right now–he knew that Brooklyn had people who cared about her and he knew she wasn’t a curse.
“We were all worried about you when you disappeared. We didn’t even get to talk to you when you woke up. We thought something bad happened. But we never thought you were baggage. You’re our friend. Through thick and thin, I thought we were supposed to look out for each other?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 4:54 pm
“How am I supposed to talk to them? I’ve written to them so many times but Mary and Effie never write back. I know you’re saying that they like me and that they have been writing me but…Julian…I think they’re just lying to you? Like. I haven’t gotten anything. From either of them.”
And it had been killing her. Not quite literally but.
There had been thoughts she wished would go away. Sometimes they came more frequently than others but.
“I have your back no matter what…that’s not…an issue. If that’s what you’re worried about…that’s really not ever an issue…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 5:01 pm
“No,” Julian said, frowning deeply now. He half turned to face her because he knew he trusted his friends. Atticus would never lie about something like that. He was too open, too friendly, too compassionate. And Elliot was so diplomatic and tried to see the good in everyone–not that it was hard when you were friends with someone, but–
They wouldn’t lie to him. And she wouldn’t, either.
Julian knew he wasn’t very clever but he knew something wasn’t adding up here.
“I can text them to ask if they can meet up so you guys can actually talk? Because I don’t–I don’t think this is right. And I don’t know what’s going on, but–” His mind was scrambling again and he was rejuvenated by a fresh wave of panic.
“Who are you writing to? Mary and Effie? Or Amarynthos and Ephesus?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 5:01 pm
Brooklyn froze, and for a moment she just stared into the distance, mouth open slightly as her mind raced to…to do something. Find something? Think of something. She.
“...I…”
Mary and Effie. It was what she called them. All the time. It.
“...J-julian…do you know…how to spell…Amarynthos and…Ephesus…?” Her voice was quiet. Weak. Trembling.
“...I’ve been writing to Mary and Effie…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 5:07 pm
Julian’s heart had been pounding so hard and, just like that, it relaxed.
A misunderstanding made so much more sense than anything malicious. They always talked about their friend group–their whole group, which included her. She’d never not been a part of it. They’d never wanted her gone.
They’d probably never even ignored her. The whole thing seemed like one bad accident. But who could have known to ask?
“A-mary-n-those-but without an e. And E-pH-e-sus. Is how I spell them in my head.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 5:08 pm
Brooklyn swallowed and then pulled out her cheap trac phone, slowly taking the time to spell out both names into a blank message and then saving it as a draft. “I…I’ll try to write to them…Um. Not…not right now I don’t…think I have it in me right now…you…do you really think I was being that stupid? It doesn’t work…even if…I mean…”
No, she didn’t know what she meant, and her head was spinning, and again, tears began to leak from her eyes.
“...I’m the worst, Julian…”
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