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Broken_Illumination Captain
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 Posted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 8:35 pm
Just talking. Rasiel refused to let himself read into that, he didn't want to be hurt by the words, only complying. He nodded slowly, reluctant to let go of Deskri but forced himself to do so. The shower could come later, right now, he just wanted to spend more time with Deskri at any cost. Sliding his hand down Deskri's arm softly, he interlaced his hand with his and began to lead him toward the bedroom gently. His eyes were focused on Deskri, trying to make sure that he didn't feel uncomfortable at any point.
They made their way to the bedroom and he let Deskri settle into the bed. He was trying to be careful with him, even though his urges demanded him to be closer to the other meta. He wanted to feel his skin, but was too afraid to pursue the thought. He sat on the bed next to Deskri and hesitated lightly. "Is this.. okay?" he asked. If he kept his thoughts focused on Deskri and his needs, maybe he could prevent himself from getting angry.
Deskri asked him a question, a simple one actually, Rasiel was relieved that he could essentially answer this one without getting too worked up. "There was a time where I fought with a renegade of Metas that sought to fight for the protection of metakind. Though, their methods weren't exactly peaceful, they only used force when it was necessary to defend themselves. Well, they helped me come up with the idea for the sanctuary. I still had access to mother's money, and essentially the deed to the grounds as my mother is assumed to be.. dead. I wanted this for them. It was everything they dreamed of achieving." he explained, none of it was a lie. That was the truth of the matter as he seemed very attached to those that were in the renegade he spoke of. He sighed, staring off a bit as he seemed deep in thought. It seemed like he really missed them.
Rasiel figured Deskri would feel better if he opened up first, to build trust, to be honest as best he could, while he waited for the next question.
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Posted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 8:45 pm
He laced his fingers in Raz's, pleased that he'd gone for a less intimate form of contact. Once in the bedroom he finally released his hand, then crawled up onto the bed. He then nestled himself in under the blankets, and then looked up at Rasiel. "Yeah.. this is okay... If--.... If you keep hands around here--" he paused to pat himself around the acceptable areas - his back, sides, and shoulders - "it's okay. I just--..... I'm not in a place where I can handle other places." He looked away, hoping that Rasiel wouldn't pry into his reasoning behind that.
He listened as he explained the renegades - he'd heard somewhat of a rebel Meta group causing trouble - but hadn't looked into it too deeply. He was already enough of a target and with Kagyaku trailing him everywhere, he hadn't wanted to endanger others more than he already did simply existing. "Oh... I'm glad... that you found something." He glanced back up at him, thinking... "Then... they know you're here? You, not... Rhun."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 9:08 pm
Rasiel watched his hands show him the appropriate areas he was comfortable with, nodding in compliance as he laid down next to him and hesitantly wrapped his arms over his shoulders, facing him. This was nice. He was scared to do anything to make Deskri uncomfortable as he tried extremely hard not to think too much about why Deskri wasn't able to handle other places like he had before. He didn't want to face the idea of why this had changed. He refused to accept in his mind why but yet again forced himself to comply.
Rasiel closed his eyes and nodded in agreement, then opened them slightly, pain in his eyes as he tried not to think too hard on that either. All these thoughts were hard to control.
What you found was only fleeting. And that's your fault.
The next question was harder to answer. "There were only two people in the renegade group I was apart of that knew my true identity. One of them is in a coma after being attacked. The other..." he hesitated, swallowing hard. "Kira. Andy's younger sister and Leukos' mother. We were still very close. She was the one that suggested I used the mask and even gave me the name Rhun." he forced his eyes closed, tears fighting to return. "...sh-she died. She was killed by humans."
He took a deep breath and pried his eyes open very slightly as he tried to just focus on the memory in sadness rather than anger. "...Kira knew I was going to reopen the academy... and as a dying wish, asked Lucian to find her sister who had been on a solo mission for months. To bring her back here." he explained, his voice soft, refusing to choke up over what obviously hurt him deeply.
He took another deep breath and squeezed Deskri a little tighter as he tried to keep calm, waiting for the next question. He knew it would probably be harder, but he was intent on answering them as honestly as he could manage. He wanted to prove he could be trustworthy.
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 11:09 am
Despite knowing Rasiel would not go past his boundaries, he found himself stiffening up a little at the initial touch... once he was settled, he forced himself to relax, instead curling into the warmth of the larger Meta. Calm down, you're okay... he won't hurt you... He sighed softly, closing his eyes as he forced himself to get comfortable. This wasn't any different than the hug in the hall- they were just... laying down while they did it. That's all.
All he has to do is roll you over~
Mentally, he shook his head to rid himself of the voice. Rasiel wouldn't do that. He was better than that. "I don't remember Kira.." He shifted a little to rub his head, the habit seemed to help silence the voices as well as bring up old memories... who was Kira again...? He was met with nothing. The description worked well enough, he supposed. "Oh..." Seemed it didn't matter anyway, he wouldn't be meeting her. He moved himself to look up at Rasiel a little, gauging his feelings.. This was a hard conversation, but he was pushing through...
How do you know it isn't an elaborate ruse?
"So... Lucian is coming back, then..." He tried not to panic a little at the squeeze, it was just a hug, just a hug-- everything would be okay-- he breathed in deeply, forcing himself to calm down again. "I'm sorry... that you lost so much."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 11:28 am
Rasiel seemed to be staring off at nothing, looking at Deskri. Looking through him at this point. He was balancing focus on his memories and the emotions they stirred up rather than focusing too much on Deskri's plight. In his mind, he found it better this way. Gradual baby steps toward a bigger goal of controlling this anger Obscurite had given him.
"Kira was like a daughter to me.." he muttered softly. Another truth. He cared for her just as he did Lucian and Delilah after their last time away from the academy together. Andy had helped him raise them. She ended up being such a good mother to them, helping them work through their issues when Dr. Broken and Dr. Eternal left. They all relied on each other as a family, something none of them really seemed to have up until that point. At least until the school closed down, anyway.
Rasiel tensed a little bit at the thought of Lucian, his eyes becoming more hard as he continued staring off as though replaying memories in his mind. Not focusing on the reality before him. Refusing to thinking too hard about what surrounded him now. "Yeah... Lucian should be coming back once he finds Andy." he paused, his voice lowering, "If... he can find her." he insinuated the fact that no one truly knew her whereabouts or her current condition. For all they knew, she had been long dead. No one knew.
Rasiel shifted his eyes to look into Deskri's briefly, closing his eyes to nod then diverted his gaze away. "A lot happened in twenty years... " he meant to finish his sentence but couldn't think of what to say, what to add. He took in a deep breath, shifting himself just slightly to stay comfortable, not moving from his position.
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 12:01 pm
Like a daughter to me...
His mind immediately wandered to Melody - the familiarity of her features, her eyes-- he remembered how close he'd been with Andy... A frown came to his face as he sorted it out. Alice had died too long ago for her to be Melody's mother... unless Melody was somehow a 20 year old toddler... though he doubted it - Metas grew quickly. Even Silas, with all of his neglect and with a Malice, managed to grow fairly quickly.
"Oh..." He nodded again, barely coming out of his train of thought... did he dare ask about it? Ask how close he'd gotten? Who Melody's parents were? He couldn't. "I imagine... it'll get busy, then. If they come back..."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 12:22 pm
"I'm not exactly excited to see either of them again. Kira had mentioned that Lucian still harbored a lot of animosity over me. He still thinks Alice's death is my fault.. I don't blame him." he explained then sighed. "Andy... I don't know.. I don't know how she feels about me anymore. We were pretty close but I haven't talked to her in a few years. Back then, she looked surprisingly good for her age."
She probably hates you too. For leaving her just like the others.
"But she's been gone for a little over 5 years now. No one has heard from her."
Rasiel had a look of longing, reminiscing about his times with Andy and the patchwork family they had created. He envied her enthusiasm over the renegade after the school shut down, something that reminded him of Zaku. They were both always so confident.
"I'm sure Andy will bring a little more life to the sanctuary. If he can find her..." he seemed worried about something, but shook the thought. Maybe the whole idea stressed him out a little. Despite the way he talked about Andy, he seemed to really dread the idea of her coming back.
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 12:56 pm
"Eventually he'll have to let go." He shrugged a little, he'd never really gotten to know Alice's kids aside from Silas and Moira... Both were good people - especially Moira... She'd been very strong, practically raising herself. Silas... well, he was sweet, he supposed. Quiet. Didn't know a lot of things... "I remember you being close... Sort of." He also remembered Rasiel finding a lot of annoyance in how clingy she had been.
"It doesn't sound like you want them to come.... Lucian I understand.. did you have a falling out or something with Andy?" He'd just stated that he wasn't sure how she felt about him, but Deskri felt the need to ask anyway.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:14 pm
"I wouldn't be mad if he never did." he whispered, continuing to blame himself for what happened to Alice.
Close. Well, they were more than close honestly. As close as he and Deskri had been though almost entirely one-sided. Would Deskri understand that? That he'd been there to satisfy Andy's needs despite his own feelings about it. He never loved her, but for some reason she never seemed to care.
He closed his eyes tightly, "...it... it's complicated.." he squeezed a little tighter. "..she probably won't like me hiding.. she's going to be loud about it..."
"...just.. don't listen to her..." he pleaded quietly under his breath. He knew that she'd start talking, and he wouldn't be able to stop her from divulging everything about him. Everything they did. He didn't want that. Not after how hard he worked to create this sanctuary. After he created Rhun. After finally reuniting with Deskri. She'd ruin everything.
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:21 pm
Of course he wouldn't... because he blamed himself. He breathed in deeply again, calming the flutter of nervousness that arose in his chest. How to breach this topic... how to ask... "She loved you, didn't she." He'd figured it out later on his own in the past - and admittedly resented her for it - but never said anything... It wasn't his place. She knew him better. Got to spend time with him when he was away. What hope did he have against that?
Rasiel had always insisted he wasn't gay when they were younger... it was possible, really. "Don't listen to her...?"
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:43 pm
He opened his eyes to look at him a bit in surprise at the question. He looked so ashamed, regretful for the answer, "...Yeah." he simply answered. It was just a fact of the past now.
"She...." he swallowed a little hard. "I..." he didn't know how to explain anything of his time with Andy. "She asked me to do a lot of things..." he attempted to elaborate but this was the best he could do at the moment. The pain in his eyes resurfacing as he tried to find the appropriate things to say about it. He couldn't possibly leave it at that.
He's going to leave you if you tell him.
"She wanted... " hesitating, he shifted his gaze away in embarassment. "...a lot of things.."
You're impure.
How will he ever accept you now?
"..I didn't want to... but.." he couldn't do it. He couldn't finish his sentence out of fear of how Deskri would react.
"She's a loud mouth. I can't stop her. I never could..." his voice trailed off weakly. These questions were becoming increasingly difficult but Rasiel seemed to push on, trying his best to continue to answer him. Deskri needed to know he could trust him again. That he wouldn't lie to him anymore.
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:48 pm
She... asked him to do a lot - wanted a lot -- he couldn't say no. A pit formed in his stomach, queasiness taking over in a flash. He reached up to gently place his fingers over his mouth, shushing him wordlessly. He hadn't meant to dig that up - to make him talk about something like that. Queasiness mixed with heat as he started to grow angry. How could she? How could she do something like that to someone she claimed to love? It made him sick.
"You don't... you don't have to talk about it." He finally murmured, and shifted to look up at him. "I know--.... I know what it is... You're safe now..." He nodded - despite not being able to believe it for himself. "She can't.... hurt you anymore."
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 2:23 pm
His brows furrowed in discomfort over his feelings.
"It was my fault.." he whispered. Closing his eyes to hug Deskri snug. "I'm sorry.." he just wanted to forget about Andy and deal with that when she finally arrived. Whenever that was. "I doubt she'd recognize me now. I look different." Though, not by too much. He had just hoped she was dumb enough not to think too hard on his appearance and put two and two together. That hope faded quickly, remembering how easily Deskri and Delilah had figured him out. Andy spent a lot of time with him and would probably figure it out fairly quickly as well.
He nodded slowly at Deskri's words that Andy couldn't hurt him anymore.
She could easily take you again and you know it.
He wanted to believe that dealing with Andy would be a painless process but something told him that was far from the truth.
You couldn't resist her if she tried. Especially after what I did to you.
Rasiel was trying hard not to tremble at the thought.
You've been programmed to want it. No matter who gives it to you.
Rasiel was subconsciously tensing up as the voice spoke, clenching his teeth lightly as the voice was prodding at his emotions. He hadn't even realized that it was almost starting to get him worked up.
"...more.. questions?..." he asked, trying to bring himself back into a realm of distraction. The questions were both helping and causing his emotions to become harder to handle. Maybe if he answered more questions, he could work through it. At this rate, even if it didn't, it seemed he'd be making it to the same destination of eventual anger. But for now, he was still very much in control.
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 2:57 pm
His fault.. He thought it was his fault.
It wasn't as if he had any room to speak - he'd long since accepted the fault for every violation he'd suffered through over the years - if only he'd fought back, if only he'd-- he stopped the train of thought when it felt as if he might throw up. "Don't..." He shook his head a little, voice quiet, strained. "It's not...." He wanted to elaborate, but the worlds disappeared in his throat. How could he say that if he didn't believe it for himself?
Hypocrite.
He buried his face into Rasiels' chest, breathing in deeply -- then exhaling slowly... Calm down, calm down... "There... there are other... renegade groups...?" That-- that should do it. A new topic. Sort of.
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Broken_Illumination Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:41 pm
Deskri seemed to be having trouble with the concept of Rasiel's time with Andy. It was making his chest hurt to think about what Deskri had put together. He couldn't even form a sentence to say to him, which only seemed to make the feeling of dread worse. Why was Deskri having so much trouble with it? Was he mad? Was he mad at him? Something didn't feel right about it. There was something more to it.
He was beginning to think too hard about it, when he shook his head.
You should think back. About when you first laid down with him.
Rasiel seemed to struggle to ignore the voice, to not comply with it's requests.
Think really hard about the real reason you both aren't intimate right now.
"...stop.." he groaned softly, rubbing his head a bit, refusing to acknowledge what the voice wanted from him. He knew it would be a bad idea, and as such did everything he could not to think about it. It was trying to make him angry and he knew it.
The question broke forth in his mind and he was able to shove back the voice for a bit longer. "From what I understand, yes and no. It's all one organization but they're everywhere in their own smaller groups working towards a common goal. The one I was in, was the most well known one. We were a group of eight metas. We just called ourselves as part of the renegade, but some of the humans called us the Efficacious Eight, I think." the explanations were helping, he was sure of it. As long as he didn't ask questions that stirred up emotions of anger, he was beginning to feel confident that he'd actually be okay.
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