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 Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:58 am
No matter how sweetly Tolliver look at him after, Hitch couldn't forget the wince that'd come before. His face softened as he grazed his fingertips along his lover's cheek, a surge of a whole different kind of guilt worming its way through him. "Sorry babe." The last thing he wanted to do was hurt him, in any kind of way.
Hitch took that reminder to heart, and it was almost enough to make him laugh at his own stupid insecurities over what Tolliver's brother might say or do to sway him. It wasn't that he didn't think it would happen (that was giving Fritz too much credit), but more and more that he believed Tolliver wouldn't allow that to ******** Hitch adored him.)
Home. He shivered faintly at the word and tried not to smile, because Tolliver was still delicate as hell (understandably) and it just seemed - well, sort of ********? Like he didn't want to seem like he was benefiting from Tolliver's pain. - but no, he couldn't totally mask the smile like he wanted to. He thought to say that Tolliver should grab what he needed now, but it wasn't like this place was states away. He could always come back for whatever he needed.
Right now, he needed to go - and Hitch obliged, pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead. Then just as quickly, he shifted his lover and adjusted him, then lifted him smoothly into his arms. "Precious cargo, " Hitch teased gently, trying to coax a smile out of him at least.
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:11 am
He loved the smiles that Hitch gave him, tender and reassuring. The touch of those fingers along his cheek, the feel of his warm and strong chest against his own. The quietly spoken words, the gentle kisses to his head and forehead, he loved them all, because surely and steadily, Tolliver was falling head over heels for Logan Hitchcock.
And he didn't want to be anywhere else right now. He didn't want to be trapped in this loft with Fritz around every corner, he didn't want to be saddled with the devastating reminders that his brother had essentially turned his back on him. Maybe that seemed a little drastic, but Fritz sure as hell hadn't given them any reason to indicate that he would support them at all in the near future.
A soft sound escaped him as Hitch lifted him up, and for once, he wasn't embarrassed or flustered. His emotions were too tangled up inside to care, and right now, that was exactly where he wanted to be, held gently and tenderly by his lover. Tolliver wrapped his arms around Hitch, pressed his face into his hair, and his face was red and flushed, his eyes rimmed with tears still, but he curled himself against Hitch, holding tight.
"D-don't go anywhere tonight, please," he mumbled, another selfish request, Tolliver's voice raw and he felt drained, wanting desperately to just be back at Hitch's right now, away from everything. "Please, Logan, just stay with me today."
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 6:46 pm
"I won't. I won't go anywhere babe, I promise."
Eurydike wasn't going to make an appearance tonight, even if it hadn't been for Fritz. It wasn't a selfish request in Hitch's eyes: it was an honest one spurred from need, and he was not about to refuse, especially when the time had already been Tolliver's to take. He started walking, taking great care with the bundle that was the lover and hands down the most valuable thing he had. "If you're hungry, we'll eat - if you're tired, we'll sleep - " If he wanted to cry, he could go ahead and cry. Hitch didn't say it because he didn't think he had to. "Talk, lay there, whatever you ********' need baby."
What he really needed what his brother's understanding. Anger pulled at his gut briefly, fleetingly, but it was what it was. Hitch would just take care of him the best he could from now.
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 6:58 pm
The promise sent a shudder through him, Tolliver pressing his face securely into Hitch's hair and clinging to him. He didn't look up as he was carried, didn't care what he was wearing or how many people would see him like this because his mind was so far gone at this point that he simply couldn't work up the energy to mind. And besides, the people who saw him like this wouldn't ever see him again.
But his heart hoped that Fritz would see him again. That Fritz would come around, that he would understand that he was finally learning about who he was, about what he wanted - but the chances of that were slim and small, and with each step away from his loft, he felt the distance between himself and his twin acutely.
A soft sob escaped him, muffled into Hitch's shoulder.
He waited until they got back to Hitch's apartment, waited until they were inside those walls and he felt safe again before Tolliver said anything at all. He pulled back, hands on either side of Hitch's face, and kissed him securely, cheeks damp, fingers trembling.
"You," Tolliver managed to get out, and his chest felt tight, sorrow welling deep within him, threatening to burst out. "I need you."
And he kissed him again, trembling and desperate, and the intent was clear. Afterwards, he would cry some more, and he'd probably need to eat, and he'd want to talk about it, maybe, and maybe he'd be able to think more clearly after some time had passed. But for now, his heart was hurting, and all he wanted, all he needed was Hitch to be there.
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:43 pm
It was late enough - there weren't many people out and about. But there were a few, and Tolliver would never know how ******** hard he glared at anyone who gave them so much as a sideways glance. Thankfully the walk back was a short one, and even if Hitch was careful not to jostle his lover, he still moved as quickly as he could from Point A to Point B.
That sob ripped through him like a knife, and he bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, feeling another surge of protectiveness and anger well up in his chest. Fritz had to know what he was doing to Tolliver, didn't he? - he had to know how upset he'd be. But no, when it came to this s**t, people got - they got weird. They got callous. They got careless.
He glanced at his mother's picture as they walked inside, and his gaze dropped down to the floor. Really, he was one to ******** sit here and talk, wasn't he?
He didn't have long to think on it - Tolliver's hands were on him, and those lips were hot and tantalizing against his own. He wanted more than anything to hold those trembling hands, to kiss the tears away, to - yeah, he got the message. ******** loud and clear, even before Tolliver ever opened his mouth.
And when he did, Hitch's eyes were dark with understanding, with affection, with something that might even be love. He kissed him back gently, but intently and deeply, already moving towards the mattress that was less his and more their's. He had to break the kiss as he eased him down onto it, sighing as he leaned over him and dragged his hands down along Tolliver's sides. He pushed up the shirt that fit so delightfully wonderfully on his lover's thin form, peppering kisses along his chest and stomach, pausing long enough to tug his own (Tolliver's own) shirt over his head.
He couldn't fix this - but he could take care of Tolli. He could make him forget for awhile. For now, that would have to be enough.
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:58 pm
Maybe he was just putting off the inevitable, doing this. Maybe he was using it as a way to forget, to push aside his own feelings in favor of something else. But it didn't matter right now, because Tolliver couldn't think straight, and he couldn't focus on anything other than the pounding in his head, the ache in his heart, and the insistent press of Hitch's lips against his own. Tolliver closed his eyes as he was laid down, fingers clutching at Hitch's neck, delving into his hair, and he knew he was running away, but he couldn't stop. Skin against skin, heat against heat, he pushed any thoughts of Fritz out of his head and let himself be lost entirely, ignoring the tears that pricked at the corners of his eyes.
Sometime later, when the skies had darkened and all was quiet, Tolliver sat beside Hitch on the mattress, one leg tucked beneath him, his bad outstretched. His original - or rather, Hitch's - shirt had long since disappeared, and now he was wearing one of the flannel ones again, unbuttoned, and nothing else, hands in his lap. He wasn't looking at anything, Tolliver's gaze distant, clearly lost in thought.
He wasn't sure if Hitch was asleep or not, but it didn't matter. His mere presence was what steadied him, even if right now his head was spinning and his heart was aching. He could hear the warm and steady rise and fall of Hitch's breathing behind him, a lit cigarette dangling from Tolliver's fingers.
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:18 am
Hitch had lain there quietly for some time, not quite half asleep but with his eyes closed and his breathing steady. If he'd been relaxed, he probably could have dozed off. But he wasn't. He was too aware of Tolliver beside him and the scent of cigarette smoke wafting in his air.
He was kind of torn. On one hand, he thought maybe it'd be better to give his lover some time alone with his thoughts. On the other, it could be the worst idea. One slip could lead to a dramatic descent into the darkness depths of a person's mind. Finally, he made up his mind - he shifted, just enough to be on his side and facing Tolliver, his eyes opening into the narrowest crescents to watch him.
- he looked beautiful like that, really. Eyes distant, illuminated by the glow of the cigarette, the angles of his body peeking around Hitch's flannel. A pang of adoration ached in his chest.
"Hey." His voice was soft and raspy, and his expression was neutral - he didn't want to say much. It was an invitation, nothing more yet. He just wanted to open the line of communication and gauge where Tolliver wanted to take it, if anywhere at all.
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:12 am
For the first time, Tolliver had taken some initiative when it came to Hitch, although he wasn't entirely aware of doing it, too lost in his own emotions to feel much other than the heat and the press of Hitch's hands and lips against him. And now he sat there, clouded and confused, eyes half-lidded; the cigarette was only partially smoked, the scent of tobacco familiar because it reminded him of Hitch.
Tolliver didn't move as Hitch did, but he did startle a little at the greeting, his head bowing a moment as he raised the cigarette to his lips. He took a drag and then exhaled, smoke curling upwards, and there was a flush to his cheeks now, spreading across his face.
"Hey," Tolliver said softly, and he didn't turn around, as much as he desperately wanted to. He'd been alone in his thoughts for too long already, and now everything felt completely confusing and ******** up, and he was wondering if it was wrong to subject Hitch to all of this. He'd said he knew how it felt to be rejected, which meant that he'd already gone through something similar; could he really make him go through it again.
Tolliver's own voice was a little hoarse, a little rough around the edges, restraining himself.
"Are you all right? I didn't wake you, did I?"
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 10:02 am
Hitch hadn't argued. Even if it hadn't been for the situation, even if he hadn't known what kinds of feelings spurred Tolliver on, he still wouldn't have argued. He'd been so good, it'd been so passionate and raw, it'd been - he liked seeing Tolliver so into him, comfortable enough to make moves and initiate these things with him. He just wished it'd been for different reasons. That was all.
If Tolliver only could've seen the way Hitch was looking at him, his features soft and his eyes filled to the brim with adoration and concern. The scent of the cigarette smoke in the air made his stomach lurch with need, his other addiction sorely neglected with all the madness. He shook it off; again, this was about Tolliver's needs, not his. He could hear the tauntness in Tolliver's voice, and it killed him.
"No, " he assured his lover warmly, shifting closer to him; he was laying on his stomach, and his side was resting against Tolliver's lower back and beyond. "I was already awake." Honestly, he rarely slept; and when he did crash, he crashed hard. He propped his head up on one hand, and slide the other down along his lover's arm. "Are you okay?" The real golden question. "Talk to me babe."
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 10:31 am
It had been a little rougher, a little more intense, raw emotions driving him forward, and now he ached somewhat, body throbbing. He had probably cried, which should have been embarrassing; Tolliver could vaguely remember the sting of tears in his eyes and the dampness on his cheeks, but again, he'd been too focused on Hitch entirely to think much of himself, because all he'd wanted was Hitch, all he'd needed was him.
He felt Hitch move closer, the touch of his side against his back, and then his lover's warm and soothing fingers were dragging gently along his arm. Tolliver swayed slightly into the touch, his eyes fluttering, and he almost felt drunk, except not quite. His head was terribly, painfully aware of everything, of too much, now that things had quieted down, and his chest felt thick and tight with everything he was trying to suppress.
Tolliver had never wanted anything more in his life than he wanted Logan Hitchcock, and Fritz's reaction was agonizing in his throat, burning through him.
A shiver ran up and down Tolliver's spine, and still, he forced himself not to look at Hitch, even though he wanted to turn and drink him all in, bury his face into his neck and remember why he was here in the first place - because he was falling for him, because he had fallen for him.
"Does it..." Tolliver took another drag, blowing smoke outwards, and his voice was pained.
"Does it hurt you, being with me and - Fritz's reaction, I didn't mean to make you - "
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 3:47 pm
Hitch heard the ache in his voice, and it was familiar. Not the same, but it resonated with something in Hitch, so hard he swore he could feel the heaviness of that pain in his own heart. He pulled himself up and shifted, slowly, rolling up onto spread knees behind Tolliver, carefully sliding his arms around his neck in a loose, but warm embrace. He kissed the nape of his neck once.
"Fritz's reaction only ********' bothered me cause it pisses me the ******** off that he hurt you, " he said honestly, completely candid about that. "I don't care if he doesn't wanna go get tea an' crumpets with me or whatever the ******** that guy does, just - if it'd been anyone but your twin I probably would've punched his face off."
In the dark, he glanced where he knew the photos of his mother lurked out of sight. He'd started averting his gaze when he passed them lately, sheepish and ashamed of what was making him happy. "An' bein' with you - it doesn't hurt, but even if it did hurt, " and he was flat out lying, it did. When Tolliver wasn't here, and it didn't mean regret, just hours of unending guilt and shame. Tolliver was perfect, he was ********. "You do so much for me babe, you - you don't even ********' know, an' I don't even know how to start sayin' it."
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 4:13 pm
He felt the mattress shift, and then warm arms were sliding around him from behind, shifting around his shoulders, and a gentle kiss was pressed to the back of his neck. Tolliver's eyes flickered in the dark, something coiling heavy and unfamiliar in his stomach.
He leaned his head back against Hitch, gaze half-lidded. "I've never fought with Fritz before like that," Tolliver murmured, voice low and rough, almost distant, as though he was back to being lost in his own thoughts. He was staring at something unseen, eyes unfocused. "We've always been together, but I never wanted to be considered those twins that couldn't be told apart, because we were two people, not one, I'm my own person."
And it was said with a strange sort of desperate conviction, as though Tolliver was trying to reassure himself, because he had always been compared to Fritz, both intentionally and unintentionally and vice versa. It was a natural thing, to compare the siblings, but it felt wrong right now, it felt off.
A small shudder shivered its way up and down Tolliver's spine. He turned his head, craning it to look around at Hitch finally, though everything was shadowy and unclear. His free hand lifted, delved into Hitch's hair and drew him close, Tolliver pressing a kiss to his lips that was slow and deep and almost lazy in nature, yet still felt peculiarly exploratory, oddly brazen for him, of all people.
When he drew back, his eyes were still closed, Tolliver nuzzling his face against Hitch's, trailing light fingers down the side of his face. His hand fell away and he turned back to look at nothingness, gaze returning to that not-quite-focused expression. He'd been left alone with his thoughts for too long, and now they ate away at him, sinking deep into his heart and mind.
"I don't want it to hurt you," Tolliver said softly. "I'm not - I can't be worth that, I'm not worth you getting hurt over it, I don't want to see you in pain, but I'm dragging you through it anyway, and you told me that you knew what it felt like, which means you've already been through it, and here I am, pulling you through it again."
A short, bitter laugh escaped him, and Tolliver drew his legs up to his chest, bent over and covered his face with his hands, the end of the cigarette burning bright between his fingers.
"What am I even ******** doing to you?"
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 4:44 pm
Hitch didn't know what it was like to have a twin. He didn't even have brothers or sisters, or any family at all besides his mother. (Well, technically, he did - but he was the b*****d child, she was the black sheep of the family, and ties had been cut from the moment his mother decided to keep him. So really, no, he didn't.) But when it came to a rift with someone close because of who they really were - maybe he didn't have a twin, but that was something he could understand.
"I know you are, " and he needed to say that with all of his resolve because it was so, so true. Even though they shared a face, seeing Tolliver and Fritz side by side, they were like night and day in Hitch's world. 'I see it, Tolliver, even if you don't.'
He felt a sort of heaviness settle in his stomach when he saw Tolliver's shadowed face in the dark, and he exhaled sharply when that hand threaded into his hair and tugged him in for a kiss. Warmth surged through him as he followed the tone that his lover set for the kiss, both loving it and trying to maybe show Tolliver some of this deep, aching affection he had for him. He wanted him to feel loved. He wanted him to feel wanted. It wasn't enough to make him forget his twin's rejection, no, it wouldn't be, but --
He was breathless as Tolliver pulled away, his eyes opening into narrow crescents for the second time as he watched his lover nuzzle him, touch him, and then - then he turned away again, staring back out into the night, and Hitch knew it hadn't been enough. Even if he'd known it wouldn't be, the failure still pained him a little.
'Not worth it.' Something hot prickled in Hitch's belly and he frowned. He slid away from Tolliver, but kept a hand on his shoulder as he slid off the bed and circled around to the front of him, crouching down to be closer to his level. "Babe, " and he didn't sound exasperated. He sounded determined, raw.
"It's not the same for me. It's not. - I know what it feels like, yeah. But it was a totally different situation, an' it's - I don't know Fritz, " that's what it came down to, really. "He could be a ********' hole in the wall for all I care. He can't hurt me. But I know he means everything to you, an' that's the part I get - the only thing that ********' kills me about this is I know I can't ********' do more for you, an' - an' don't you ever say you're not worth it to me, 'cause you're the only ********' thing that's worth it, " and he didn't mean to get louder, didn't mean to get worked up, wanted to be soothing and comforting and instead he was practically yelling at the end like an idiot.
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 5:04 pm
I know you are.
Something hot and painful shuddered through Tolliver. He'd been trying to convince himself for so long that he was both similar and different to Fritz, waging an inner war where his desire to be like his brother and his desperation to be thought of as his own person competed with one another. There was no balance between the two; he couldn't figure out how to satisfy both sides of the story.
The warmth at his back disappeared, and for one, panicked second, Tolliver thought that Hitch was leaving him, and wasn't he trying to do that anyway, wasn't he trying to push him away now, because he was terrified of hurting him, but he was also terrified of being alone anymore. He was a veritable contradiction in terms, but he'd gotten a taste of what it was like to have someone want him, to need him, and it ached now, his chest, his head, his heart.
But then Hitch was in front of him, and even though Tolliver's face was covered with his hands, he could feel his presence, feel his hand on his shoulder to steady him. And Hitch's voice, which had started off low and deep, was now ragged and gaining in volume, and every word he was saying was burning into him, scorching across his skin, searing into his heart.
A choking sob escaped Tolliver, agonizing in his throat.
"I don't want to hurt you," he burst out, and it was like a dam breaking, the words rushing out of him, tripping over one another in his haste to get them out. "I don't want to hurt you, but I'm so ******** afraid that I'm going to hurt you, and I'm so ******** afraid of how much I already need you, I didn't think I would ever need anyone, but then you came along, and I know what people will think, that they'll think that we haven't known each other for long enough to understand, but I ******** need you so much, and you're all I think about it, and I don't - I don't think I'm worth it, but y-you make me feel like I could be, and the thought of being without you is terrifying, but so is the thought of being with you, and ********, Logan, ********, I just, I'm so afraid that I'm falling in l - "
And he stopped, reeled himself in, caught the word before it fell, the heel of Tolliver's hands digging into his eyes to stop the tears that had started pricking hot and stinging at the corners of his eyes.
"I've never been in this - in this situation before," Tolliver gasped out, and his voice was raw and hoarse now, rushing, on the verge of an actual panic attack now, because he couldn't seem to catch his breath, couldn't seem to get enough air into his lungs.
"I've never - I've never felt this way about anyone, and I d-don't ******** care how long we've known each other, I just w-want you, I need you, and Fritz doesn't understand, he's not even trying to see that I can't d-do this without you anymore, but I d-don't want to hurt you either - "
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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 6:09 pm
Listening to Tolliver speak was like having an epiphany. No, seriously - Hitch sort of got bits and pieces of it before then, but listening to his lover speak so raw and openly and passionately about how he felt and how it was ravaging him, his fears and his doubts: it was like looking in a mother ******** mirror. Aside from everything with Fritz (even that was half-reflected in his mother), there wasn't a thought, fear, or need that Logan hadn't felt for himself. The realization was sort of overwhelming, dizzying, not all together bad or good. It was sort of beyond that. It was more like opening his eyes and taking in the whole picture for the first time, seeing colors and patterns he hadn't noticed there before.
"Tolli."
His voice was softer as he leaned forward on the balls of his feet, reaching out to try and coax Tolliver's hands away from his face.
"Tolli, I - I know how you feel, " and those words were so raw, hard to say, hard to admit to any of the fears and doubts that plagued Tolliver. He wondered if it would have been better to pretend he was above them. But no, he wanted to be honest about this - he wanted his lover to know he wasn't alone. "All of it, I've - I've felt the same thing - this is new for me too, but - "
He took a shaky breath. "The last time I - when s**t went - when Mom - " He rocked back and then forward again and sighed, trying to press on ahead. " - I gave up. I sat there for years tryin' to be somethin' I just wasn't." A ******** homo, the echo of his mother's words accused. "But with you, even if - if things were different - " If she were alive. Even as he tried to bare some part of himself to Tolliver, so much went unsaid. " - I'd still - I need you too, you ********' dumbass, " and he would make that manage to sound like a term of endearment. He leaned forward and kissed at his hand, the back of it.
He didn't have much to give - but he'd still give it all for Tolliver.
"You can't hurt me - even if you did - what you do for me babe - I just don't want - I never want to see you hurt either." A deep, long breath to prelude the hardest thing to say: "I don't care how ********' fast it is, there'd be nothing more ********' painful to me than if you left. - that's a ********' fact."
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