|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:54 pm
july 10thwell....if all u could think about was bad stuff when u saw her maybe its best you ripped the bandaid, he tried to console her. it hurts now but itll get better bc u letting that stuff go. ur moving on. Unless it was festering with time instead? Oh boy. it doesnt mean no forever yeah? maybe one day ull b able to see her n only her. Because he truly wondered if Maebe was capable of moving on; if she'd get to carry all of this heartache until the end of her days even if she acted like she was done. He'd talked to Cami a few times, he was aware at least a little how much this meant. Would throwing a bone out be that harmful?
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 7:30 pm
july 10thI already tried to move on. That's the worst part. If I hadn't, maybe I could have loved her the way she wanted me to.
Maybe I could have been happy.That was the guilt that had her lying on the floor, unable to bear with her own existence. But the moment she typed it, she really began to think about what she was saying, and she pushed herself up into seated position. Despite her good intentions, she'd just told Dawson that she wished she hadn't tried to move on. Did she really wish that for herself? It felt so cruel to admit that she didn't want to go back to who she'd been, then. Even if it did mean being in love. And being loved. Dawson reminded her of exactly why things had gone wrong in the first place, when he responded by pointing out that she'd forced herself to be someone she wasn't. It only settled the guilt further down into her heart, while simultaneously alleviating the fear of making the wrong choice. She'd just traded one for the other. i guess
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 7:53 pm
july 10th
There was a dark implication in that first message he didn't know of. That Syn dragged in and plopped at his feet like a dead mouse. Learn, cub, how to hunt. How to see.
He squeezed his eyes tight instead and shut her out. It was time. It was just time she meant. It was just time he wanted to be aware of.
The i guess either meant he had hit the nail on the head or had missed completely and left her to drift. That was the trouble with texts: Dawson could better compose his thoughts there, but the inflections, the nuances, and the social cues were all gone. Not that he would have been guaranteed to catch them all anyway, but at least the signs would have been there.
wouldnt b fair to her or u, he reminded her. And then he got his sign.
but she was
my only chance
Maebe didn't bother with grammar or punctuation anymore.
An alarm went through him, and that was what pushed him to ask a question he wouldn't have normally, wanting to know pushing out common courtesy: at what honey? at love?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:05 pm
july 12th
Somehow, not being able to answer made it hurt more. im sorry, he typed helplessly. im soryr if i made it worse. She assured him he hadn't, but it didn't put him at ease. He had Failed, and most miserably to boot. Now she was worried. im sorry god im sorry.
If it's any consolation, it took me years to figure out what I wanted. (What consolation was that?) I'm well aware of how long something like that takes.
Just remember that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. If you keep giving up pieces of yourself to other people, Dawson
You won't have anything left.
(He remembered Chel had said something similar a while back and didn't appreciate the reminder. He'd survived that long, hadn't he?)
i have plenty dont worry
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:26 pm
july 10th
He couldn't have known that she'd started sobbing uncontrollably. All he'd know was that she took too long to answer, and she was fine with that. She didn't want to share these tears with him, or anyone. She just wanted to scream, and scratch, until the skin was raw and red and hurt more than the way it hurt to see him asking her that.
Him.
As if he didn't ******** know. <******** you, she'd almost written, before taking it back quickly in mid-sob. Instead, she managed one more word, before putting her phone down as far away from her on the bed as she could, in order to cry without even the thought of him near her anymore.
yes
His answer came too soon, and she screamed into the pillow. How could he even have anything to say, after that?
what makes u think ******** YOU." She screamed into her phone, as if he could hear her. The guilt and shame for even thinking it at him had her immediately cringing, but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't help herself. She had to stop talking to him, before she said something she was really going to regret, and wreck their friendship forever.
dont do this She typed out, as quickly as possible, before turning her phone off for the night. She didn't want to see another word from Dawson Grace tonight.
She was done.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:35 pm
july 12thAnd there he went. She wanted to go over and give him a hug, but right now would have been the worst time to let herself be with him, even if that's all she ever wanted anymore. Tonight, she had to figure out if there was even a chance she could want something new. She deserved that - just as he deserved to be selfish, every once in a while. She told him that she'd never stop worrying, and he pinged back that she reminded him of himself. "If only," She muttered quietly, wishing even moreso for that to be true. She'd choose being as good as Dawson over him loving her, anyday. If she deserved happiness as much as he did, she'd find it. She truly believed she would. No one would be able to stop her, then. She let him know how big of a compliment that was, and when he told her he was starting to blush, she could feel it. She could feel that urge to give up on the night and just ask him if she could come over and curl up and just - just make believe - She was doing it again. She couldn't tell which was the mistake - stopping herself from giving in to what she really wanted, or not giving in. Her brow furrowed as she tried, quite forcefully, to determine which direction was the right one, for both of them. Maybe he needed her to go. Maybe he needed her to stay. She growled in frustration, and decided to do her makeup, because that did not mean she'd made a decision - makeup soothed her. It was stress relieving, and if she showed up at Dawson's door instead of Mary's that night, at least one thing was for sure. She'd look fierce.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 9:17 pm
july 10th
He hadn't thought beyond the question; in his panic to help, rooted to the spot in his room, Dawson's vision had narrowed. To him, it had simply been another step in the process: what happened, where did it hurt, what could be done to fix it.
The he remembered he was the one asking right before his phone lit up. He backpedalled quickly.
ok
ur right
thats not a fair question
A minute later.
im sorry
Ten minutes later.
i didnt mean to upet u
i should probably stop bugn u anyway since u said u wanted to be alone
He forgot to say goodnight in his haste to shut it off and bury his head in his pillow.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 9:35 pm
july 12th
How many times am I going to have to remind you that I will always worry about you?
It was hard to remember that, strangely enough. The day he had started asking about pills, Dawson had been surprised by the messages asking if he was okay. Naturally he had taken to joking and chalking it up to curiosity's sake, though he wondered if that had really covered his tracks. Was he okay? Not really, apparently. Not recently, especially. But that didn't mean he had a right to mope and gripe about it. It wasn't like anxiety attacks and a fear of sleeping were all that unique on Deus.
(Don't be a b***h about it, JD would've said, and Dawson flinched like he had.)
I'm always going to want you to be happy, and want you to do what makes you happy.
That's what love does, Dawson Grace.
The blush didn't go away, but at least he was managing not to let it intensify either. Resting a hand against his cheek, he reread the series of messages and felt a bittersweet tug in his throat. If she understood that, then why was this so oddly entangling between them? Was this another Anne Marie chase towards some non-guaranteed goal?
He spouted positive messages about Maebe's personal growth these past few months, because his brain couldn't seem to focus again. Because maybe she wanted to hear them. i know uve had to tackle a lotve s**t but ur here n ur learnin n im so glad, and so stupid, so very stupid. Or maybe just unlucky. The clone was missing love entirely, but he wasn't--no, apparently he was missing some other key component that would have made it more meaningful is all.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 10:42 pm
july 12th
She couldn't have rolled her eyes any harder. She was glad that she'd managed to make it through that turmoil, but she also hated how he tried to turn the conversation back to her, over and over and over until she no longer wanted to talk anymore. And that made no sense. She loved talking about herself. She loved it when others talked about her. She loved when the focus was firmly settled on something to do with how wonderful she was.
But not with him.
So she tried, even though she was awful at this. She tried to tell him that he needed to focus on what was going on within himself, even if she did love when he spoke so sweetly of her. She tried, and by the way he came back confused, she could tell she was failing.
"Why do I even." Maebe let out a sigh of frustration, and slumped as she gave up trying to pep talk him. She hadn't been able to help anyone but herself, so far. She shouldn't have even bothered to try.
She checked the feed, instead. Dawson was inviting Mik to sleep over at his place, and Maebe cringed.
Oh my God you're never going to get rid of that kid if you let him in your room, hahaha.
It had nothing to do with the overwhelming weight that still sat on her chest as she worried about whether or not going out with someone else was the right choice, right now. She got up, and zipped her dress back up. Her hair and makeup looked flawless, but her eyes still brimmed with emotion, and she smoothed out the wrinkles that worry had etched in her brow.
He wasn't going to stop her. She looked at herself in the mirror, and felt emotion threaten to well up tears at the mere thought. She sucked in a deep breath and held it, forcing the tears back before they could ruin her makeup.
She deserved this. She deserved this. She deserved this. She deserved this.
She kept repeating it all the way through her warnings about Mik, and thought for one split second that she could believe it, if she kept trying.
So I guess, hold those pina coladas for me until I get back.
"Don't you cry, Maebe Grace." She warned the trembling, beautiful girl in the mirror. "Don't you dare do it."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 10:53 pm
july 12th
Oh, good. He was making a mistake by being too kind to someone again, apparently. That was a lot more familiar. Maybe doing so had accidentally set her on the path to the date. Maybe she would have gone anyway. Maybe he needed to check the whole helping people habit before he really ******** up some time. It had been so mechanical, he hadn't even paid attention to the whole spoon bird bit immediately before he popped in.
Dawson took as deep a breath as his stuttering body allowed and exhaled slowly before replying. dont get too filled up on fancy a** food. Jokes were Safe, even weak ones. text me when u get back so i know ur good? He could ask for at least that, right?
He started to sink in his seat and regretted for once that he had poked his head out to help that night.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 11:09 pm
july 12thHis answers were so bland. So light. So devoid of any emotion. By the time she read them a third time, she had to put the phone down and touch up the makeup under her eyes. "Just be as light as he is." She told herself. "If this is how it has to be, you have to step up and - and - God damnit, sober up, b***h. He doesn't love you. Get over it." Her pep talk was not working, and neither were her touch ups, because fresh tears kept ruining them. So she decided to go for the smouldering look that day, and responded with messages that sounded just as light, just as airy as his were. "Two can play this game, Dawson Grace." She whispered, feeling a surge of adrenaline rush through her body. I am going to eat. So much fancy food.
Like, thousands of dollars worth of fancy food.Sorry, Mary. Are you jealous?"God, Dawson." Her voice shook as she whispered painfully against her phone. "I wish you were."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 15, 2015 8:02 am
july 12thhahaaaa biggrin yea i am u know itHe typed without thinking. He didn't need to. It was pretty damn obvious, wasn't it, when their whole conversation had so easily spiraled, that he had at least some reservations about this. But he still had to add a damn smiley.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 15, 2015 7:53 pm
july 12thShe smiled through the sadness, because it was nice to make believe, even if only for a second, that he wasn't talking about the food. Without thinking, she took the phone and placed it against her chest, hugging the tiny thing. Immediately, she regretted how absurd the action was, and pulled it back to read the message again. Every time she read it, it made her smile. Every time, without fail. The reality of his meaning was so easy to ignore. Good. That's all I ever really wanted.She felt a tiny stab of guilt for admitting it, but the flush in her heart felt too good to ignore. Be jealous, Dawson, she thought to herself. Make it be you, next time. She wished him goodnight, and closed the phone, flush with warmth and fuzzy feelings that she knew she shouldn't have. Especially not right now - especially not as she got ready for a date. But she couldn't help herself. As terrible as it was, as wrong as it all would be, she could not help herself when it came to Dawson Grace. She left her room impeccable, but still embarrassed at her own smile.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
