[IC] =Cajmera's Teepee=

[Cajmera]

Laughter is the best medicine; at least, that's the story I've heard tell.

Huh. If that were the case, then I of all Soquilis would never have to worry about being ill. Laughing is what I do; serious behavior is something that I shun, a concept so foreign to my being that were I to embrace such behavior, it would be doubtful if anyone that knew me would recognize me. Laughter and smiling go a long way towards cultivating inner peace.

At least...that's what I've heard.

But what is inner peace, and why should I, or anyone else, want it? Peace is the absence of chaos, and without chaos there is no excitement. War is touted as the opposite of peace, but I doubt that is truly the case; it just sounds the best in those catchy chants that people are so fond of. No, there is more to any issue than two clear cut sides, no matter what you think.

But what do I think?

Feh. I think that what I know is convuluted beyond all hope of clarity or recognition, my own thoughts and wishes buried beneath a heavy veneer of self-doubt and worry. Thinking things through is simple in theory, disconcerting in action. I smile because it is a distraction, I laugh because it prevents me from thinking clearly about issues I'd rather not wonder about.

Yet there is only so much strength in veneer...only so long it can be of use before it cracks, dulls, and gives way to the surface beneath it. And I wonder...

How long before my surface cracks?  

[Cajmera]

You say that you know me. Even though you don't say so in words, I can tell by the way you look at me; I can see the cold judgement in your eyes.

You assume that you are knowledgeable based on past experience, on the persistant rumors that follow me like an unwanted parasite. I see the way you turn, the way you whisper, the way you snicker and laugh. Assuming you know things that you can't even understand.

Laughter, my old friend; if only you knew how I used you, how hollowly I truly feel about you. What began as innocent fun has snowballed into something that I can't hope to control, something that frightens me by its weakness. I need you, need you more than you can possibly realize. Levity, witticism, jocularity; you provide my bullwhark from everything that threatens me; with you at my side I've been able to withstand every storm that has come my way.

But you're weakening. I can feel your depleting energy with each passing moment, and it frightens me. Are you planning on abandoning me as well? Am I to be forced to face everything on my own...exposed?

I should have known better than to put my faith in as fleeting a thing as happiness. At the end of the day, everything disapears into darkness; and now, so my soul shall descend into the same pool of oblivion. I...have ceased caring to resist.  

[Cajmera]

A irritated frown on his face, Indawo with one wing at the large horsefly that was buzzing around his head. Damned insects never seemed to know when to let well enough alone; you'd think that after being swatted at umpteen times they'd have the sense to move on in search of more amenable prey.

Then again, no one had ever been able to accuse bugs of being exceptionally bright.

Snorting in disgust, Indawo turned his head to glare at the offending insect...then paused as a flash of ice blue, off through the trees, caught his eye. Safi? What on earth was that nutcase doing off in the glade when he ought to know perfectly well that it was Elizabeth's personal sanctuary? Not that Indawo himself cared much for the rather imperious mare, it was just that he had a healthy respect for personal space and privacy, something that Safi had never seemed to have a strong belief in. Typical.

Sighing, Indawo glanced down the hill at the teepee enclosure; it was still, and with good reason since Cajji was off collecting berries with the two mares. In fact, that was probably the reason that Safi was where he was at all; no doubt the practical joker was setting up some sort of prank he'd later have at Elizabeth's expense. Some Soquiis just never seemed to grow up...

"Hey, why so introspective all of a sudden? Last time I checked, flies weren't supposed to make you stop moving." Quirking one eyebrow at Indawo, Zaphiro gracefully alighted on the ground beside his cheetah-patterned friend, his sapphire-blue feathers glittering radiantly in the early afternoon sun. "Not the normal kind of flies we have around here, at least." With that, Zaphiro smoothed his wings back, tosserd his curly mane gracefully, and waited expectantly for an answer.

Being a winged Soquili himself, it wasn't shocking to have another pop out of the sky as Zaphiro had just done; however, Indawo hadn't really been paying attention and consequently his friend's comments cught him a bit by surprise at first. "Hell, Zaphiro, don't just sneak up on a fellow like that. Honestly, you're starting to pick up way too well on some of Safi's more obnoxious habits." Flattening his ears at Zaphiro, Indawo spoke in a gruff tone; not that Zaphiro took it as anything other than a cover-up for Indaow's surprise (which was completely true). "And a fellow can stop to think if he wants to, last time I checked."

"Are you expecting an arguement from me now? You really need to learn to unwind a little, Indawo; I was only curious. Besides, there's a difference between stopping to wonder and completely freezing up, which is how you just looked." His tone mild, Zaphiro nevertheless managed to convey a tone of mild reproach, causing Indawo to look at him with an even more sour face; damned if that sapphie stallion wasn't the most infuriatingly self-righteous fellow ever! Still, he did have a point...

"Check it out." Prefering to save words when visuals were possible, Indawo jerked his head towards the strand of trees, drawing Zaphiro's attention to the icy-blue indication of Safi. "I just saw him and was wondering what he was doing in there, that's all."

"Hrm..." As Zaphiro peered through the trees, a slight frown crossed his face; like Indawo, he was very aware of the importance of that particular glade to their herdmate Elizabeth, and also like Indawo he worried at Safi's prescence there. ""I do hope that he isn't up to any mischief."

"You and me both; Elizabeth would raise hell if he did. And if she found out that we knew about it, then she'd probably string us up alongside him." Maybe Indawo was overreacting a bit, but just bearly; though she was a rather delicate mare, Elizabeth was capable of rages that were frightening in their intensity. The last thing that he needed was to have to flee the wrath of an irate mare...again. "We'd better go see what he's up to."

"Agreed." With a slight nod of acquiesence, Zaphiro immeadiately trotted off towards the small grove, leaving Indawo to hotfoot it after. It was best to n** mischief in the bud, at least in the vicinity of the teepee; domestic bliss was something very precious to the sapphire stallion, perhaps because he believed in ideals. Well, he liked to think that he did, anyway.

Lowering his head, Indawo stalked past Zaphiro and pushed his way through the surrounding trees; one of the things that Elizabeth had always liked about the glade was it's relative inaccessability. There was no path through the trees; it was a random make as you went situation. Nice if you wanted to be alone, but annoying if you were heading in and had to fight your way through branches.

Consequently, by the time Indawo had almost made it through he was extremely annoyed. Here he was, getting speared and struck and needled by obnoxious plants just so to deal with Safi! Grr, that stallion was going to get a good reaming out this time, so help him... "Damn it, Safi, just what do you think you're doing?" With that, he broke through the last layer of trees, a stern glare on his face in full expectation of catching Safi red-hoofed in the middle of some diabolical act.

However, that proved to be far from the actual scene. Instead of wreaking mayhem on the peaceful glade, Safi was actually still; wings folded loosely over his back, the white stallion lay on a large boulder overlooking what Elizabeth fondly referred to as her looking glass; a small spring that was always perfectly still. This stillness alone would have set off alarm bells for Indawo, but there was more to the scene: as Safi turned away from his reflection and towards the other stallions, the expression on his face was one of deepest loathing.

Indawo had known Safi since the two were baskets, and in all that time there were a few consistant themes in Safi's nature. He was always cheerful, always in high spirits, always teasing about something, never took things seriously...basically, he was able to drive Indawo past the brink of insanity on a regular basis. But Safi had never, ever worn such an expression in all the time that Indawo had known him, and witnessing it frankly staggered him.

Coming up behind Indawo, Zaphiro was forced to stop short when the other did; but he too was able to see the hateful look on Safi's face. Blinking rapidly from the shock, Zaphiro was almost as stunned as Indawo, for all that he'd known Safi for a much shorter amount of time.

The look wasn't the only shocker, though. Rising to his feet, Safi fixed Indawo in the full force of his glare, his features contorted by the intensity of his emotion. For a moment he too, stood motionless, then he broke the silence and began to speak. His voice, though, was not full of teasing and mirth; not this time. "What do I think I'm doing, huh? So, once again the high and mightly Indawo feels the need to burst in and play check-up on the truant Safi. Is that what you were thinking, Indy? Feeling the need to assert your superiority yet again, as you always have?"

Had they been delivered with a wink and a grin, then perhaps the little speech would have been typical of Safi; an attempt to throw Indawo and Zaphiro for a loop, then laugh at their reactions. Indeed, for a a fleeting moment they both watched Safi, hoping for the tell-tale crinkle of the mouth that indicated he couldn't hold back his laughter anymore.

But that crinkle didn't come; instead, he maintained his cold expression and rigid stance. Indawo stared for a moment longer, soaking in both the words and the method by which they were delivered, then finally was able to speak. "Safi, what the hell is wrong with you?" Disregarded everything that had just been said, he instead focused on the obvious answer: something was not right with his friend. How could there be any other explanation?

As a response, Safi curled one lip slightly, his mouth shifting into a sneer. "Fine then. Ignore me. See if I care. Sch behavior is typical of you; I'd be a fool if I didn't realize that by now." As he finished speaking, Safi spat on the ground in front of Indawo and Zaphiro, his eyes focused in their intensity; and as Zaphiro looked at them, he could see with shock the intense anger they held.

Stepping around Indawo, Zaphiro turned concerned eyes to Safi. "Safi, what has gotten into you? Are you feeling alright?" Glancing sideways at Indawo, Zaph could see with no small amount of concern that Indawo looked as though he'd ben struck; no small surprise there, though, as Safi was acting in a way that he'd never had. For all Indawo's bluster, the two had been honest friends, and Zaphiro could only imagine what a pang Indawo was now feeling.

However, if Safi was sharing any of those feelings, he hid it well. Turning from Indawo to Zaphiro, Safi smiled slightly; only it was more of a smirk than a smile, one augmented in an unsettling way by the smouldering resentment in his eyes. "As alright as ever, Zaphy-boy. I've just come to a realization, that's all." With that, he hopped down off of the rock and sauntered up to Zaphiro and the stunned Indawo, laughing shortly in what could only be described as a hollow fashion.

Stopping short just in front of Zaphiro, Safi spat out his words as though they were bile. "Do you realize that as long as I've lived, I've been belittled, Zaphiro? 'Oh, Safi's just an airhead'; 'Safi's just an idiot'. 'Don't mind him, he's just screwing around, he can't be serious, he doesn't understand, he wouldn't care.' All my life, that's what I've heard. No one takes me seriously, no one even seems to consider the idea. Have you any idea what that feels like, any idea at all?" As Safi turned his head away, Zaphiro was stunned to see the burning anger replaced by pain; at the same time, a few stray tears ran down the side of Safi's muzzle. However, the look was fleeting; aftera quick blink, Safi trned his face back towards the other two, his expression of anger firmly back in place. "So long I've been the fool, the butt of the jokes, the court jester...well, I've had enough of it!"

Pawing roughly at the ground, Safi turned his poisonous gaze from Zaphiro to Indawo, including both in the full measure of his upset. "I'm through being your fool. Maybe it's time that you learned that there's more to people than society likes to give credit!"

As he finished speaking, Safi all at once charged forward, causing both Indawo and Zaphiro to fling themselves aside; both had honestly thought that Safi was charging THEM! However, he merely plowed straight into the ring of trees; for a few moments, they could hear the crunching of the underbrush...and then once again, all was still.

Wide eyed in astonishment, Zaphiro turned to look at Indawo. "What....just happened?" Even as he asked, though, Zaphiro had an uneasy feeling that Indawo had no clue either; that much he could determine just from looking at Indawo's pained face. Consequently, it was no surprise when Indawo only shook his head...  

[Cajmera]

"Woot, check it out, Lizzie; no ties!" Crowing triumphantly, Ladius raced down the hillside towards the teepee complex, a full basket of berries balanced on her back; in spite of the speed at which she was moving none of the berries tumbled out, nor did the basket fall. Of course, she'd known that would be the case; after all, she was an extremely well balanced Soquili. Not to mention speedy, thank you very much!


Rolling her eyes in patronizin amusement, Elizabeth Swann followed her friend at a much more sedate pace; a second basket was daintily clutched between her teeth, and a lawn napkin covered the contents of said basket. "Mrm-hmm." Never let it be said that she talked with her mouth full, especially not when doing so would mean the berries fell. She had worked far too hard collecting those little fruits to so recklessly cast them away, after all.

Not that Ladius seemed to be having any similar qualms. Elizabeth's eyes were focused on her friend's capering as Liz herself proceded down the hill, hoping devoutly that Ladius' luck didn't run out and result in tragedy for the berries. Sometimes that mare got too wound up in running and competing, that she did; maybe some day Ladius would learn that good things came to those that waited.

Either way, Ladius didn't seem to notice or care about the look she was getting from her fellow mare. Still laughing triumphantly, she skittered the rest of the way into the teepee clearing, deftly nabbing the handle of the basket and slinging it off of her back to sit beside the teepee entrance. "Yeah, that was some kick-a** balancing, courtesy of Ladius the Great!" A self-satisfied smile on her face, the mare swung around just in time to see Zaphiro walk into the clearing. Perfect timing, if she did say so herself; Zaphy boy was just the Soq that she could gloat too! More so if he had actually seen her great entrance. "Hey Zaphy! Did you see that awesome entrance, or what?"

Her wide grin faltered slightly as the stallion turned to look at her, though; instead of the anticiapted smile or eye roll, Zaphiro's expression was one of anxiety. His golden eyes bore no trace of amusement, and his muzzle was set into a straight line. That.was not normal.

"What's with the face, Zaph? Did you get your foot pinched in a rock, or what?" Great, now Ladius herself felt depressed. Damn it all but if Zaphiro didn't have the ability to make her feel for him! And here she'd been all pleased and proud of herself...what a jerk. "You've got a face that coul sure kill any mood, I can tell you that much." And hopefully he felt proud of himself for that little talent, too.

At the obvious irritation in Ladius' tone Zaphiro looked away in slight shame; the last thing that he had meant to do was upset Ladius (or Elizabeth, for that matter; in fact, he was anti-upsetting anyone, as a rule). Still, he couldn't help his expression; never one to mask his emotions well, Zaph probably would have succeded better at spontaneously turning pink. But he couldn't do that either, so...

"My sincerest apologies for killing your mood, Ladius...but have you seen Safi? Either one of you?" As he spoke, Zaphiro turned to include Elizabeth in his question as the unicorn approached and set down her own basket. "And if you did...was he acting strangely?"

Raising a brow, Ladius exchanged glances with Elizabeth? Strange had so many differnet meanings, after all..especially when Safi was involved! Of course, that was moot anyway, as the two mares had been off collecting berries with Cajji all day. After getting a slight head shake from Liz, Ladius turned back to Zaphiro. "Sorry, we haven't seen him all day. Why, did he pull some stunt on you again?"

That idea made the mare smirk slightly; that was so typical of Safi, to mess with people and then take off to avoid the fallout. He was quite the crafty little guy, that Safi...you never quite knew when he was going to get you! She'd have to congratulate him when she next saw him...

Turning away from the two mares, Zaphiro was almost able to hide the acute look of pain that Ladius' words brought to his face. ALMOST. "Not exactly, Ladius....he's gone."  

[Cajmera]

Anger...no, disapointment. Disappointment, humiliation, and the simple wish to be actually given credit for something. Just once, I want to be taken seriously...wanted to be taken seriously.

Of course, it's obviously my own fault; my own caperings have unquestionably been the cause of all my problems. And even though I realized this a long time ago, I didn't stop. Couldn't stop. Wasn't willing to "ruin a good thing" by breaking the tradition of silliness that I myself had associated with my name...

Would it have been better in the end to have just tried a little bit? Just given some sign, some indication that there was more to me than what everyone thought they saw?

Weakness is a trait I have never admired, and I always felt I was beyond it. Yet now I know that I am weak...and I hate myself for it.  

[Cajmera]

Staring at my reflection in the water, I can't recognize the stallion looking back at me. Sure, the mane is strped like mine, and he sports my feathers and earings, but this strange reflection is not of me. Looking at him I see eyes dulled with disinterest, eyes that state at me as though dead. There's no trace of a smile in either eye or mouth...just anitpathy.

And so this cannot be me, staring up out of the water with soulless eyes. I know that things are different now, but isn't the soul supposed to be constant?  

[Cajmera]

...What on earth have I done? What madness provoked me to such reckless behavior, such a wanton disregard of another's feelings? I'm the one who can be counted on to buoy emotions, not destroy them!

And yet it felt so right, what I was saying...it was truly the way I felt. I AM sick of being belittled and ignored, sick of always playing the fool...but there was no call for me to be so harsh! And to Indawo, my oldest and dearest friend...

Yet I won't say that I wasn't provoked. Sometimes friends don't realize it, but their actions and words can be horribly cruel to their comrades. Assumptions and old habits become entrenched to the point that we don't even realize it anymore...and I suppose that's what made me snap.

Don't ask me what his problem was, for I won't tell you; I know what he was thinking, though, and that's what managed to get under my skin. He, like everyone else, always assumes the worst of me, that I have no regard for anyone else. Faugh, I'd say that I have more regard for others than just about any other stallion out there! Aruna, Shaylee, Selene, Tori...the mares I've met could no doubt attest to this facet of my being. Yet Indy had to come bursting in, blustery and sanctimonious when all I was doing was trying to think...

Obviously I didn't think enough. It was like I was a snowball rolling down the hillside; the further I went the more momentum I gained and the more improbable stopping became. I was harsh...far more harsh than I had any reason to be. Zaphiro was listening to me; I could see it in his eyes. But Indawo...

How could I inflict such pain on my friends? Feh. I've always hated such Soquilis...and now I've become one.

I can't be back and face them, not after what I said. Not after I let my own irritation at myself blow up at them. For now...I'll just stick with what I have....

Nothing.  

[Cajmera]

Strange how things can be more than they seem, isn't it? Odd how we can look at an object ans notice it's surface, but fail to realize what lurks below? How we look at the smooth surface of a lake and fail to think of what dangers lurk in the dark of the waters, entranced as we are by the shimmering surface? How we not the alluring coloring of an insect but fail to recognize the toxicity of it's bite?

Or, on a closer vein, how we can admire the coat of a Soquili and not realize what coldness that brilliantly colored creature can harbor in its soul.

I think that I have to be speaking in metaphors here, because I've never harbored any true opinions relating to my own beauty or lack thereof. Certainly I have a sense of confidence about my looks; it would be impossible to have garnered as much praise as I have and be insecure about them. But I guess that the best way to address that issue would be to simply state the truth: I don't really care.

It's nice to have something to be confident in, though. Especially these days. On the one hand, I seem to have a lot of time to spend with myself.

Except that I hate having to spend so much time with a stranger....  

[Cajmera]

Being alone so long is not something I'm used to, nor is it a state of affairs that I truly ever wished to embrace. But these days, my very stomach seems to turn at the thought of being around others. How am I supposed to act around strangers? So long I've managed to be relagated to the realm of the goofball, within moments of meetings! Yet I'm not so blinded that I fail to realize how great a role I've played in creating that perception of me; the way I act, talk, move...even think seems to welcome such ideas on the part of my acquaintances.

Maybe I"ve played the part so long that there's no way for me to change. Maybe I'll always be "the goofball", always the one people ignore and belittle.

It's a depressing state of affairs, never being taken seriously. Good to laugh at and play around with, but never the one to listen to or go to with any serious problems.

Then again, I've always seemed to have a knack for attracting troubled mares. Why troubled mares? Why not...well, untroubled ones? I don't know, I guess. Sugar Plum told me once that I was smart; smart and easy to talk to; but she's the only one to have ever spoken so. I got the impression in every case that I was ok to listen to, but that my words didn't really mean anything. Like...a support structure.

I suppose I liked the knowledge that I was being helpful, but there's always been a nagging doubt: was I truly being useful to them, or did they just feel like gushing to someone? How do I know what ulterior motives lurked behind innocent eyes? Maybe I've just spent too much time around Indawo and his cynicism has begun to rub off on me....

Well, I guess there's not really any worry about it continuing; that would require me to actually be around Indawo again. And after what I said to him last time..

Is it fair to condemn one for the actions of many? Probably not, but that's what everything boiled down to, didn't it? Bottling up emotion can't be a good thing, particularly not if you have an ineffective lid. I imagine that must have been what happened in my case...

But bleh. Now I'm starting to sound maudlin; just what I needed. What's the point in all of this, anyway? I'm supposed to be cheering myself up, not dragging myself down any further.

Right then. Time to start thinking about moving on, I guess...  

[Cajmera]

Perhaps I've been doing this too long; I'm beginning to think that I've grown into this role of mine to such a large extent that there's no way for me to get out of it.

Though I have to admit, I have tried. Lord knows I've tried. I feel so bad about how I treated that mare...hell, I don't even know what her name is, but I have a strong hunch she's mad at me. I could tell that she was upset, and I totally blew her off...

But then, what has being a good guy ever gotten me? I've listened, I've counseled, and I've gotten left at the wayside. Yeah, I'm a shoulder; but what has being a shoulder ever gotten anyone?

Nothing. Nothing except a cold and lonely existance. Which I, for one am sick of...  

[Cajmera]

Nothing is going the way its supposed to anymore! I try and I try, but every time that I start to think that things are going to work out for me..I simply fall back into an even worse mess than what I was to begin with.

So much for the 'master plan'. I think that I can finally, without fear of lying, say that this is the worst thing I've ever done.

I won't go so far as to say I raped her...because that was far from true. Much as I might be hating myself right now, I can't ignore the fact that she was just as into what we did as I was...and she definitely knew what she was doing when she led me on like she did.

But that's not the point. She was hurting, hurting just as badly as I was; only where I wanted to prove something to myself, she wanted to...to...damn, I don't even know! I've heard that sometimes, feelings of hurt can be masked by feeling of lust...and if that's the case, then she was using me to make herself feel better. If that's the case, then I hope to God it did; because I feel worse than ever after all of this. I took advantage of a friend; there's no other way to put it. If I'm hated for all eternity it will be no more than I deserve...