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Yeah....eating makes me feel sleepy and gross.

So I compensate by eating once a day.

And by not eating more than my little tummy can handle. whee

I hate men.

More specifically, I hate boys.

Especially the three on my left in my math class.

Oh dear god I hate them all.

The one directly beside I can't stand.

He's amazingly hot (half German *drool* and half Indian....*cough cough kamasutra*) but he thinks I'm a stalker because I figured out where he lives. (Which is really stupid because I only figured it out since he lives really near by and I saw his car in the driveway......assumed it was his, ended up being ******** self absorbed egotistical b*****d.

I HARDLY HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO EAT AND SLEEP GOD DAMN IT, SO WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WOULD ACTUALLY LOP OFF MORE PRECIOUS TIME THAT I ACTUALLY NEED JUST TO STALK YOU.

That being said, I apparently saw him while he was changing through a window in his house while I was walking home.

Ok, first thigns first.

I saw a black SHADOW. MOVING. IN THE WINDOW. IT WAS NIGHT TIME. I WAS COMING UP FROM THE STREET DIRECTLY OPPOSITE, AND I HAPPEN TO LOOK FORWARD WHEN I WALK.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE TO BE HONEST WHEN I SAW THE MOVING SHADOW I GOT SCARED BEFORE I REALIZED THE SHADOW WAS IN THE HOUSE, AT WHICH POINT I CALMED DOWN BECAUSE I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOME ONE BEHIND ME.

Next point.

Guy sitting behind him. Amazingly hot (completely german *stares absentmindedly*) who is just a complete jerk. Let's not go there.

Third point. Guy sitting behind jerk. French. ******** with my mind every single day to the point that I either want to tackle him down and snog or stab him in the eyes.

Not a pretty picture.

WHY DO GUYS HAVE TO BE SO FRIGGING INFURIATING?! scream stressed

3nodding

I'm rather distraught at this time. I don't know how to describe it... the lack of sleep is still on and off, but I'm starting to feel manic/ depressive. There's more to it though. It's like I'm not always in control. Not entirely. My emotions are running rampant again. I watched a fly die and I nearly cried. I almost decked my little brother for no reason. Half the time I feel as if my emotions are a very large dog that I'm holding on to by a long leash. They're always in front of me and it takes some time to get it under control. Sometimes by the time I catch up though, the damage has been done.
With all this homework too, I'm freaking out. I've got no real conduit to let all these things out with. I have no time to actually go out and enjoy this damn weekend. I'm too bogged down with impossible tasks and I have no way to see anybody even if I wasn't. I've got to complete to paintings for art class, but I've only enough paint for one. If I complete both I fear that the quality will suffer. Also, I have to complete a prototype glider for physics, but the ******** prototype cost me 20 dollars already. My teacher wants 2 or 3 of these things. It will take HOURS to make and by the end of things I'll have shelled out $100 for a peice of s**t that I'm only gonna fly ONCE!
More trouble with americans too. Jimmy Kimmel was interviewing Pamela Anderson and she let it slip out that she was going to be the head of the Grey Cup parade. When Jimmy found out what the Grey Cup was and that it was a Candadian Football league his eyes lit up with recognition as he exclaimed, "Oh, you mean pretend football!" What the ******** Kimmel? Just because it's Canadian football it's not real? How is it that all the people in American media seem to all be ignorant and ill-informed with all things not American? I know intelligent ones live down there somewhere but I'll be damned if I've ever seen them on TV! Well, that's not true, Michael Moore has the right idea even if he's a little opinionated. That chick from The Mystery Men isn't bad either, but SO MANY ******** PEOPLE JUST DON'T HAVE A ******** CLUE! Every time I turn on the news, one more American media icon says another insulting and ******** stupid thing about Canada! Is this some sort of media trend? How do your media personalities get away with being this way! ********, in Canada a rather unknown AM DJ was prosecuted for racist comments broadcast over an AM band in the middle of the Canadian prairies. Sure, maybe 100 people heard him, but he was still charged!
When this crap happens in Canada people are punished for it, and apologies are made, but when an American media figure does it America seems to laugh and take up the cause! The way things are going with your country, Bush is going to name Paul Marten as a terrorist, commie, and a dictator, (which you Americans secretly idolized in the seventies via Star Trek thank you very much) and 'liberate' the poor Canadians from his grip! Jesus Christ I fear for the world!
What's this s**t with France? Two idiots get themselves killed by the police and the ENTIRE NATION's children rise up in armed violence? When did the human race get this way? In Jordan some suicide bomber targeting a wedding! Three hundred people in attendance for a day of celebration and joy, and this idiot self-destructs in the middle of it all. And who the hell came up with this suicide bomber s**t? Nobody will remember you just because you blow yourself up. It's been done by so many people that nobody gives a flying ******** who, or how you blow yourself up if you are in the middle East. Sure they care that they now have to go through life a cripple and that you've destroyed public property, but nobody will give a damn about the bomber. It's not noble, it's not threatening, it's ******** stupid.
I really have to stop watching the news when I'm like this. See, this is what I mean; I sign on to try and talk out my anger and it starts to work... but then I start thinking about everything and my anger gets away from me again, and now that I realize that the anger has got away I get depressed, and then I'm angry becasue I'm depressed and then I'm depressed again....... This isn't a way to live, it's a way to die.
Not that I'm going to kill myself. I don't have a problem with me, I have a problem with others. I'm just scared to death that I'm going to freak out again. I can't paln for something like this. What can I do? I can't stay home from school, because I'll have to make up the time. I shouldn't go because I'm becoming dangerous again. I'm supposed to be trying out this nerve calming tea but my dear sweet mother doesn't believe I need it. God Damnit what kind of a ******** pharmacist tells you to mix-and-match drugs until you get it right!? What kind of a ******** mother does that? I ask for help and tell her that I'd not like to once again depend on these damn pills and she tell me that if I get addicted again it won't be so bad because the effects are relatively small! What about the ******** mental effects? I have a problem. I'm becoming an addict. This isn't who or how I want to be and this certainly isn't the life I want to live. Where the hell can I go when even my ******** family doesn't take me seriously?
There, now I'm mad again. Ha! Violent mood swings, that's just what I need eh? Well, with all the ranting I do at least if (or rather...when) I snap the whole thing will be well documented. Truly I must me a phycologist's dream. A patient who can recognize his problem and have the ******** sense to blog the s**t all down on a few forums. The clear problem now is if I actually DO kill somebody this time (a very real fear I unfortunetly assure you...) then I can't plead insanity can I? Lovely. It's Catch 22 in a nutshell; I'm certain that I am insane, yet since I am sane enough to realize I am insane then I clearly am not, for somebody insane cannot judge for themselves that they are indeed insane. Or at least, that is how the mentality runs. Somedays I want to lash out on an all-destructive warpath. Wednesday left me yearning to leap up from my class room desk, hurl the objects from it, hurl the desk and then smash my face to the wall until the the seething hate left me. That would complicate thigns though. It would make people belive I was self-destructive, which I am not. I'd just prefer my demise than another's. It would also be a spectacle. This is undesireable. I think I need more regular therapy. I can't get that though. The school only has one therapist and he is vastly over-booked. Rather then hire the help the children need we'll just spread it thinner. Less help for all is still helping more people apparently...
I've been told that to defeat my rage I have to find and remove it's focus. Well, then somebody tell me what the ******** I should do when the cause of my vexation is the very world itself. Any takers on this riddle? When an answer is found I'd like to be informed.
The hardest part of this whole thing is the masquerade. I must strive to appear as if nothing is wrong. The world must believe me infallible and invincible. Nothing can effect good ol' Hobo, no sir. He's the stable ******** rock he is. Today it is social taboo, to let people know what's going on. How do you inoffensivly tell somebody who's your friend that you have to leave for a while because you want to kill them? Not all the time of course but just at that particular moment. But then there's the true fear. Loneliness. I work best alone, but I fear the thought of true solitude.
This makes this glider project rather vexing. I could be done by now if not for the group. They hold me down! I have resources, labour and will, but since I can't just alienate the group I must wait for them as they lag behind! They do not mean to do it of course so they cannot be blamed, but the whole process is FOLLY!
feh, the PC is needed. I am off...

edit: To continue: This teacher of mine, who is quite a good one. Has through some random bout of madness, concocted this plan in which we all work togethor regardless of whether this is our desire or not. 'Build a glider' is our MO but he specifies that we must research our project to find what designs would be benificial. He doesn't tell us what he is looking for. He doesn't tell what questions we should ask. 'Build a glider' would have been simple enough, but he makes it impossible by not telling us his exact parameters! He goes on and on about how engineers design things precisely and how they need to do research, but he doesn't seem to realize that ENGINEERS HAVE SPECIFIC ******** MISSION OBJECTIVES! This is comparable to give a monkey a peice of wood and telling him to invent fire. Forget the fact that a monkey doesn't speak english, and has no true concept of fire, he must do it. In my case making a glider would have been easy. In fact it would ahve been fun. But trying to explain flight for me is like trying to explain how you know how to breath. You just do it. Now I not only have to explain it to a teacher, I have to teach 3 others how to do this s**t. The whole thing is futile. I might as well just do ALL the ******** work and then just photoshop the other guys into some photos........this is pointless. Life is pointless. Why am I living anyway? It seems that I live for the sake of others. I am simply their pet. They enjoy my company and to give me a pat on the head or scratch behind the ears....sometimes literally which is rather odd, though not entirely unenjoyable. I am without purpose. I am a physically defective and mentally without direction. I am such a pathetic creature that last night when I was getting groceries I could not bare to look into the lights of the freezers. They seemed to sear my pupils like cold flame. My eyes are continually becoming pained by the presence of illumination. What am I to become when I am barred even from the light of day? Some pale-faced recluse? Where does one go when even the sun denies him solace?

edit x2: OMFG this is why stupid kids shouldn't have the internet! XD

http://www.wewantourmoneyback.ca/Whattodo.html

What the hell will the boycott of ONE international US owned company do? Jack s**t ******** all! If these dumbass 10 yr. olds want to do something about the lumber dispute maybe they should.....DO SOMETHING TO PROTEST THAT HAS SOMETHING TO ******** DO WITH LUMBER! This just makes Canada look stupid. 'Yo Yo Yo Give Us Our Doe!' What the hell kind of a slogan is that!?
I can see it now on CNN 'yes Kim apparently Canada has now gon ghetto, props to my hockey puck dawg...' ******** idiots....
Their big scheme is to boycott McD's for ONE DAY and stand outside the restaraunts passing out fliers.... to CANADIAN residents. What the hell. As CNN has shown us, it is the AMERICANS who don't know what this whole thing is doing to Canada. Why on earth would Canada need to know what this is doing to THEM. WE are the one's losing jobs, not the USA. Maybe we should let THEM know HMM? What good is a flier going to do for the dude who just lost his job because the mill just closed down? More importantly, what kind of idiots do these kids have as parents if they think this peice of s**t scheme makes ANY sense whatsoever? I think I just became a prochoice / procapital punishment supporter. In fact maybe I'll start my own website and protest movement; GET STUPID PEOPLE THE ******** OUT OF CANADA! ggrrrrrrrrr........

Yeah, I know how you feel Shazzer.

My mom's said that to me and worse more times than I can count.

I've also been in the position that I had to go some where else for residence.

But it wasn't that bad, because I wasn't yet 16 so I legally couldn't be forced out of my house.

Of course, in just three weeks that's going to change so I don't really know what to do in that respect.

That and I'm not as lucky as you. My father died a long time ago, I have no siblings, nor any friends whom I can turn to with such a need.

So yeah.

If I don't play my cards right, I'll be in the same boat as you not too long from now.

Yeah, it'd be nice...to have friends like that.

In real life, I think I've become something of a recluse...

Too much depression on my part dosed with a healthy portion of mental illnesses and I now believe I have not one single person in the world I could stay with if I should find myself homeless.

Well, I don't know how it all works in the United States but here in Canada a child can be kicked out of the home at the age of 16, but still needs to recieve parental funding, the amount of which depends on the income of the parent, until the age of eighteen.

So yeah.

Thanks Jar.