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Dear Frecklin

you were my life for 3 years and now you don't even acknowledge I exist, I am better friends with your boyfriend than I am with you. I know the situation was hard, but its hard to give up someone I was so close to for so long. I just want to be friends again, I think about you every day and miss you.

heart

Dear J,

I can't give you up. It's been a year, and I know, by now I know that you're probably not coming back for me. And you keep stringing me along, and I keep following in your footsteps, waiting by the front door every day knowing that you won't be there to greet me. The days that we were first together was great, I didn't know what love was until I met you, I never remembered feeling such joy and even now, you're the only one to do that. I've tried. Other people, I've tried. I've done things that I regret and I can't look back, but I can't help wishing that you'll be here as I march forward. Two years I've devoted to you, the only real relationship I've had, and another five years I'll have to wait just to be with you, and then only if you can come back. Only if I let go of all my hopes and dreams with the only job I want in life, my only other true love...and just for a chance to be with you. You drive me crazy...I let you go but I can't. You let me go, and I just come stumbling back to do after I've finally found my footing. You've hurt me, torn me to shreds and broken up with me, hurt me so many times and so many ways that I can't even remember, but I love you. I can't stop. Sometimes I wish that I could, but...I can't ever.

I'm driving myself crazy. With all of the secrets that we've shared and everything...you know my whole being inside and out, and the only one that I can talk to is you...and yet you've deserted me before. And now we hardly talk, don't we? Words of missing each other, words of love, promises...promises that you don't think that you can even keep. However small, I've formed a crush on a guy. Would you ever understand? I hate men, I don't like them, not at all. I don't understand... But he's always here for me, as my best friend. In the time that you've been gone I've shared everything, every secret with him that I have. And I trust him...the only other one that I trust besides you. I had a small crush, but he had a girlfriend. They broke up and I did something, I hurt her, I hurt her so much. I lost all of my best friends but him. Him...I used him. And I can't tell him. I can't tell him this one secret, just this one. He got back with his girlfriend. I had to hide my face all the time, pretend that I was happy, that I was okay. Was I? I don't even know! Couldn't he have been a girl? Couldn't I have let you go?! But I can't, I can't.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why you hurt me. I don't know what choices to make here or even what to do. You left me to make your own life easier, and opt out. You didn't even stop to think...did you? I love you, but...for everything I've been through, I hope that it was worth it. I hope that you're happy with yourself now.

Sincerely,
C

Dear Sunflower,

I've liked you for so long it's unreal. I've liked you before I even knew Ir. Although, my feeling had a bit of a "hiatus" due to the fact that I never saw you and that I didn't know you well enough. Well now that I'm over Ir (not that you knew I liked her), I looked back at what I felt for you. There was no comparison, I liked you way may even though I knew her better. But now that we've been talking, that feeling is much stronger. I almost want to cry when I think about... My eyes are literally watering right now. Crap! They sting... Am I really gonna cry? So not cool! But it makes me want to laugh at the same time.

You listen to me more than Ir ever did. You know that I get depressed easily without me ever telling you- Ir doesn't know a thing. It's kind of like the song by evanescence. Especially the line "how can you see through my eyes like open doors". Because really... You actually see me in a way no one else would. It scared be at first, but I want to know what you're seeing. I want you to know how I see you- as a sunflower. No... A sunbeam. Well, they both fit! I want to know everything about you. What you love, hate, fear, and desire. I want to know you.

But here's the dilemma: you're obviously straight. Your Facebook says you are and you didn't say otherwise when I told you I wasn't so straight. Do you even remember that I told you? I don't know... Until next time..

- your very super secret admirer that will never ever reveal herself

Dear YT,

I know that we're both good in being friends but I still damn miss what we had and the little things. I'm sorry for being a jerk. I should have been more responsible. But now I can see that you're happy with your bestfriend, even though sometimes, it hurts seeing the both of you together and all the PDAs. I just wish that we may still have that closeness we had. Even though your 'bae' is sometimes jealous of me. Don't worry, I don't have the plan of ruining your relationship. Thank you so much for giving me a second chance to be okay with you, even though there's a gap. Anyways, I'm still here whenever you need me and I'm still tryin' to change for the good. crying smile

-seatmate. wink

Dear T,

You've basically been my best friend for a couple years now, and are the reason I've become so open-minded. When we first met, you were so quiet and shy... but apparently something about me made you want to start opening up at work and talking. And lo! You are hilarious, and kind, and every bit as sarcastic as me. You make the strangest, funniest noises at the most random times, and then glare at me when I laugh. We've both been through so much hell with family, with friends, with loved ones, and with those who claimed to love us. Yet, you came out of it so much stronger than me. You teach me so many things every day about how to be a friend, how to be strong, how to care so much without fear. I wish I could do all those things so completely like you do.

But mostly, I wish I could tell you I'm not straight. I wish it wouldn't change anything, that it wouldn't alter how you see me. I am aware that of all of the people I know, you'd be the most understanding, since you yourself are bi. But I don't want to ruin what we have, how you feel like you can tell me anything about anything without fear. You're so much braver than I am.

I love you so much... as my friend, as my sister, as someone I could quite possibly love as something more. So I'll be quiet and let things slide for now, until I can stop acting so much like a coward and actually write you a real letter, instead of finally saying these things online. Anonymity can't last forever and eventually it won't be enough to vent to strangers who have no idea who I am, but for now it is enough to sit behind a screen and keyboard and pretend I am as strong as I want to be. To pretend you'll read this, and I won't have to find courage hiding somewhere in my heart. I only pray that when I do finally find that courage, you'll still see me as someone you can tell anything about anything to without fear.

-V-

Dear T,

The last couple months have been stressful to say the least. I didn't imagine having so much chaos come from a person we used to think of as a friend. I'll never understand how you're always so patient... I try, and still fall short quite often. But good news did come! I did find that courage I thought I lacked, and came out to you. Rather than laughing, or being confused, as I feared, you just said you'd love me no matter what, even if I was an alien. I don't think you really know just how much that meant, hearing a "no matter what."

At any rate, your not-boyfriend needs to get his s**t together... he's getting on my nerves, not being honest with so much of what he tells you. I'll keep my head down and my nose out of your business, but I'm getting tired of hearing him lie by omission. Fair warning, I may have to... find some way to subtly let on he's dishonest. I just hope you'll hear me long enough to figure it out.

-V-